Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 18:36:28 GMT -5
I just sent my DD and DIL an email saying that I wanted to give them a head's up. I usually buy the back-to-school shoes, but I'm stopping this year. I love all my grandkids, but it's quickly becoming too much. This year it would be $300 (plus two birthday presents during that time frame), and next year it will be $400. My daughter is talking about one or two more. I have to stop at some point so I'm choosing now.
Do your parents help you out with that sort of stuff? Do you help your kids?
I am also funding 529s that I have decided to stop at $1000. I had in mind $20,000 for four grandkids. $40,000 or $50,000 is beyond my means. So I may as well stop now as later. The oldest grandchild has his $5000, but it is time to admit defeat. I'll stick in $100 each year as a birthday/Christmas present in addition to the $1000, but it won't get to $5000.
I do feel bad about it, though, even if it is a good decision for us. We just picked up a car payment. The kids will eventually be fine because they are part of a multi-million dollar trust. But they don't inherit until they kill off both their grandmother (80) and father (64). So it might be a while since they love both of them.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 17, 2013 18:41:01 GMT -5
Tell them you will continue to help them out if they change your name to GG. My parents have always given money to all the grandkids. I came home a few weeks ago and my mother (who watched the kids for a half day) had taken my daughter out and bought her shoes. It wasn't planned, necessary, or expected. When my Mom comes over to my house, I often find articles of clothing missing, and a new shirt to replace them. Which is fine - the kids get mad when I throw out the treasured t-shirt, but when MomMom says that it is stained, ripped and doesn't fit, somehow they comply. LOL. I don't think your kids should be counting on you, but if you like to do stuff just to be nice, that is nice, too.
|
|
lynnerself
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 11:42:29 GMT -5
Posts: 4,166
|
Post by lynnerself on Jun 17, 2013 18:47:54 GMT -5
No grandkids yet, but we are still helping the kids out all the time.
They are 25 and 27. One is working but not well paid. The other is just out of grad school. Both highly frustrated at not finding good jobs. Recently helped DD pay Chiropractor bill not covered by her insurance $800. And told DS we would cover all of his graduation expenses, tickets, gown announcements etc.
These are just examples.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 17, 2013 18:49:58 GMT -5
My parents don't buy anything for the kids other than birthday and Christmas presents. I guess if I needed help, they probably would, but I don't need help.
My MIL often buys the kids some clothes and toys at garage sales, but it's usually things she keeps at her house. She does watch the kids a lot for free, though.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 18:50:51 GMT -5
My mom watched the kids some when they were younger. We often go out to eat and movies, etc. treating back and forth. She might give the kids a few dollars now and again, plus generous birthday/Christmas presents.
Dad also gives them generous presents and front loaded their 529 plans.
We don't do back to school clothes and shoes.
Oh, and they've been known to buy things I wouldn't necessarily... My mom bought them the first video game consoles... Dad bought their bows and guns...
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 18:53:09 GMT -5
I definitely see your point but, on an email, it may sound a bit heartless.
Could you find an alternative instead? Like take the oldest kids out for new shoes one year, and the youngest kids out for new shoes the next? Or find something more affordable and go shopping with all the kids for that? (Not necessarily together).
You're a teacher and school supplies can be really important to younger kids, and not very expensive. Maybe new pencil cases, and the contents?
Dunno, just a thought.
Or maybe just taking them (just the older kids) out to lunch one day.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 18:55:04 GMT -5
Another idea that might work better for you ... a new school bag when the kids "change schools"? IE every time a grandchild goes from nursery to primary, or primary to MS, or MS to HS.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 18:57:55 GMT -5
It sounds like all your grandkids till now always knew that Grandma GG (because that's your new grandma name, right?! ) buys them new shoes every year in September. Although that's become too expensive (which is definitely understandable) I think it's a nice tradition to keep up, something new from Grandma GG to start the school year ...
|
|
Blonde Granny
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 15, 2013 8:27:13 GMT -5
Posts: 6,919
Today's Mood: Alone in the world
Location: Wandering Aimlessly
Mini-Profile Name Color: 28e619
Mini-Profile Text Color: 3a9900
|
Post by Blonde Granny on Jun 17, 2013 18:58:00 GMT -5
Since we didn't live close to our son & DIL, we never got into the thought pattern of funding college accounts etc. When we visited when the kids were younger, they got a trip to ToysRus and could buy whatever they wanted. When child #3 came along, we simply stopped doing that. Instead, we would bring a small gift or their favorite candy bar. Now when we visit, on our last day there, usually a Sunday we take them to breakfast without Mom and Dad. Each gets a turn to decide where we go.
Now the Grands are 14,12 & 8. We have ended the obscene Christmas shopping for them and now give each one $150. The 2 older ones have Holiday birthdays, so that's another hundred for each.
Our son is very successful, makes far more money than DH ever did, lives a far more extravagant life than we ever did, and frankly doesn't need our help or money. In fact, if he thought for one minute we were depriving ourselves of a comfortable retirement so we could give to the kids or leave money to him, he'd be having a come to jesus meeting with us.
Don't beat yourself up over your decision southernsusana, the time comes where you have to put your financial future ahead of all else.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 19:09:34 GMT -5
Don't beat yourself up over your decision southernsusana, the time comes where you have to put your financial future ahead of all else.
I definitely agree. But, I think there is a way to do something affordable for all the kids. Maybe instead of doing it for back-to-school, find something else that is just "yours".
It certainly sounds like your kids are very successful and their kids want for nothing. So, do something else. Drive yourself crazy and take ALL of them for a week, with household help, once they hit a minimum age (up to you). That would give your kids a week off from their kids, which is probably much more valuable than anything money can buy.
That's what we are planning to do for ours lol.
Or, switch the gift from "Grandma GG" from back-to-school to the holidays. I am Jewish, DH is not. Neither of us wanted our kids to get tons of gifts for Xmas and Hanukah, so we decided that the Hanukah gift would always be a show. When the kids were really small, they didn't go, we got a babysitter instead. But we have splurged for things like the Cirque de Soleil, or other premium theater tix. Maybe now that they are growing up (some of them anyway lol) that might be the way to go?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 19:13:33 GMT -5
I do think that the kids will remember shoe shopping with GG more than a 529 deposit. Not that they won't appreciate it eventually, probably... But as far as making memories... Breakfast or shoes, etc... Are probably more meaningful to the actual kids....
|
|
Blonde Granny
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 15, 2013 8:27:13 GMT -5
Posts: 6,919
Today's Mood: Alone in the world
Location: Wandering Aimlessly
Mini-Profile Name Color: 28e619
Mini-Profile Text Color: 3a9900
|
Post by Blonde Granny on Jun 17, 2013 19:34:40 GMT -5
I do think that the kids will remember shoe shopping with GG more than a 529 deposit. Not that they won't appreciate it eventually, probably... But as far as making memories... Breakfast or shoes, etc... Are probably more meaningful to the actual kids.... Right you are. The first thing our 3 grandkids ask when we arrive is.." we're going out to breakfast aren't we"?
|
|
lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 6,049
|
Post by lurkyloo on Jun 17, 2013 19:36:00 GMT -5
So far we're annoying our parents enormously by not needing anything. MIL just sent us a $200 gift card to Babies R Us; I have no idea what we're going to do with it (and they really have higher-priority things to be spending their money on )
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 19:48:10 GMT -5
I almost never give automatic money, even to grandkids. That's because if they become assholes then I have to tell them why I'm stopping. Even if they are assholes I don't want to be required to tell them that.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 19:55:14 GMT -5
Lol, OldTex. The email thing is no big deal. It's the primary way we communicate since I don't text. My daughter is usually at work when I call, and my daughter-in-law has a one-year-old as well as two other children and can't always answer the phone. I don't think buying school shoes is a "memory." There are usually four or more of them, and we go to StrideRite. They are all over the place, and we are trying to corral most of them to actually pick and try on shoes. It is a horrible madhouse made worse by Alabama's tax free shopping days for back to school. Last year I simply wrote a check because DH was so sick. Like I said, this isn't a favorite memory of any type. But thanks, guys, for understanding. I COULD play the GG card, but it wouldn't sway any of them. They earn more than I do and can afford their own shoes. My ex-MIL buys them shoes as well. We will leave it at that. I only started because one of my grandson's had wide feet and his mom was buying him cheap WM shoes. It morphed, and I quit. His feet are normal width now, and she still buys and he still wears lots of cheap shoes.
|
|
Gardening Grandma
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:39:46 GMT -5
Posts: 17,962
|
Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 17, 2013 19:59:11 GMT -5
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 29,221
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on Jun 17, 2013 20:11:01 GMT -5
Now that DD has completed her first year in college, she TOTALLY appreciates the savings bonds that her Grandma & Grandpa bought her each year. It wasn't a ton of money, & it didn't earn a lot of interest, but it sure was nice cashing them in to help pay for books.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 17, 2013 21:12:46 GMT -5
Thyme and everyone else - what is GG thing? Do tell.
To answer OP - well, my IL's help with nothing but buy crazy amount of toys - way too much, if you ask me, but they don't ask me, so.....
When my oldest was born my mom was constantly calling me and telling me that she saw this for E and that for E - I kept stopping her bc I didn't need anything.
She has gotten them outfits though the years and bought each kid their first pair of shoes. My kids didn't have pre-shoes, their first pairs were StrideRide. My dad has no involvement in this "little" stuff. My dad basically doesn't care how my mom spends money of small stuff. But he is talking to my DH about getting my oldest a pretty expensive telescope for his 5th b-day.
But overall, I tell them not to buy anything.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 21:21:37 GMT -5
The last time my wife's brother & family came we had bought some games to play in the yard & a small portable TV, all of which were going to go home with the nephew. He was a pain & left with nothing.
|
|
Gardening Grandma
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:39:46 GMT -5
Posts: 17,962
|
Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 17, 2013 21:26:39 GMT -5
Thyme and everyone else - what is GG thing? Do tell. Yes, please.....
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2013 21:28:05 GMT -5
It's in the nickname thread. Ssusana has been given the name Grandmother, because her daughter doesn't like GG...
|
|
Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 14,239
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 17, 2013 21:43:34 GMT -5
Not just Grandmother, but Grandmother Susana. My dad always bought shoes for my two girls. It was because I coudn't afford "good" shoes, and by golly his granddaughters were not going to be in crappy shoes. He stopped going with us at some point because he was too crippled to enjoy the experience at all. I would take my kids over to his house so they could show him the shoes they got. Eventually, as I could afford to buy the shoes on my own, he only bought sports shoes and equipment. He wanted to buy certain things; it was important to him. He died Feb 2012, and a few times when I've told my children "no" on shoes or sporting equipment (or running shoes as is my DD #1's want), I've had to tell them they are NOT allowed to ask my mother. She's on a fixed income now that my dad is gone, and it seems to be less than when he was alive. I remember my grandmother would buy us Easter dresses every year. I know she stopped at some point, which was disappointing to me. I can't remember the reason though. It was either because we moved several hundred miles away, and she couldn't appreciate them anymore or my aunt had her babies and my grandmother focused on them instead. My parents did help me out financially in many ways until I remarried. My mother also bought my sister a house, and still pays most of her bills. But, whatever.
|
|
tcu2003
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 31, 2010 15:24:01 GMT -5
Posts: 4,955
|
Post by tcu2003 on Jun 17, 2013 22:28:03 GMT -5
DS just turned one, so no school stuff yet. My mom has a somewhat limited income (still working, but DH and I make significantly more), and my ILs have 6 other grandkids (DS was grandkid #2 on my side, though there are 3 now). My ILs don't ask what to get him - so far it's been mostly toys and clothes, though thankfully it's all been for his baby shower, Christmas, small Easter present and his birthday (it probably helps that we currently live a 9-ish hour drive away).
My mom does ask, so I try to direct her towards something fun and something he needs (which isn't much). For instance, we started swim lessons in January, and he had to have a reusable swim diaper, so she got him that and then some toys for Christmas. For his birthday, he didn't need anything other than a sun hat, so she got him that, a couple of books and then some money for his college fund. As he gets older, we'll find something that is special between DS and grandma to do.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,996
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jun 17, 2013 22:36:37 GMT -5
Our favorite gifts from my folks and in laws are memberships to the zoo, nature and science museum, children's museum, and the butterfly pavilion. It means we can get the kids out of the house and wore out for free even when we have extra month at the end of the money. ;D
Well used, memorable, clutter free gifts that I always love.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2013 6:13:27 GMT -5
You can clearly do what you want on the grand-funding front because it isn't a requirement to do anything for them. I'm unclear what the car payment has to do with it, but if I recall the discussion, weren't you subsidizing the new spouse's lack of cash for a new vehicle? I suspect that if you get any backlash from the family, it will be for that more than that you are reducing the spending on them.
You may want to think about starting a different tradition with the Grandkids. Back to School cards? Valentine cards? Something small but constant that is unique to you. I think it is important for the kids to know you are thinking about them, even if you are not there.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2013 6:37:51 GMT -5
I wouldn't care about the shoes, but it would bother me if my mother gave 1 grandkid $5,000 in a 529 and gave the rest of the grandkids $1,000. (If I read the OP right that is what it sounded like to me you were doing). That is a huge difference.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,996
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jun 18, 2013 7:05:30 GMT -5
I wouldn't care about the shoes, but it would bother me if my mother gave 1 grandkid $5,000 in a 529 and gave the rest of the grandkids $1,000. (If I read the OP right that is what it sounded like to me you were doing). That is a huge difference. I think it would be more weird to take the money out of the oldests account and redistribute. My kids each received $4k from my grandmother last year. If we have another baby there won't be any catch up contribution for that one from dgm.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2013 7:20:16 GMT -5
I wouldn't care about the shoes, but it would bother me if my mother gave 1 grandkid $5,000 in a 529 and gave the rest of the grandkids $1,000. (If I read the OP right that is what it sounded like to me you were doing). That is a huge difference. I think it would be more weird to take the money out of the oldests account and redistribute. My kids each received $4k from my grandmother last year. If we have another baby there won't be any catch up contribution for that one from dgm. Yes, it would be weird. I don't know what the answer is. If I were in the position I would try to do more than $1,000 to make it more fair.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 18, 2013 7:22:52 GMT -5
My parents give checks for b-days and Christmas - $25 for b-days and $35 for Christmas. But the Christmas one is actually given to me/DH and we're expected to pick out a present, wrap it and tag it from the grandparents to be opened at the family party, usually the Sunday after Christmas.
They watch the kids for free too. They've bought some stuff for the kids at their house but the majority of the toys there are either hand me downs from the other 8 grandkids or leftovers from me and my sibs.
I think MIL spends $50 at b-days and $100 at Christmas but I'm not completely sure. They watch the kids about the same as my parents do. We pay them $10 a week for food, starting next week. Their budget is much tighter than my parents though.
There's no plans or expectations that any of the grandparents do anything in the way of college funding. That's our job as parents.
|
|
gooddecisions
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:42:28 GMT -5
Posts: 2,418
|
Post by gooddecisions on Jun 18, 2013 7:34:06 GMT -5
The grandparents give gifts, but I do not consider it "help" and I hope they do not view it as "helping" us. They even funded a 529 with $10K after my grandma died and my Dad earmarked the money for me and wanted to know if I had a preference for where the 10K went. I told him I didn't need any money but if he wanted it to go somewhere useful, he could open a 529 for his granddaughter. We do not need any "help" and can provide anything our family needs. I figure that their gifts are something they actually want to do. I believe this is the case for my parents, but my inlaws like to keep score, so I'm not sure about them.
If you can't afford your traditional gifts to your grandkids but still want to give them something, then just adjust your gifts to something more affordable. It doesn't sound like your kids need the "help" either.
|
|