Picky kids (and husband)

[trimommy]

So the restaurants/Doxie thread make me think a lot about my own family. We eat out a lot. Partly because it fits our lifestyle (on the go a lot, eat between activities, don't have much time for prep) and also because my family is full of picky eaters. When we eat at home, we typically make 2-3 different things because someone doesn't like something.

My husband is and has always been picky. His mom let him get away with it and now he is in his 30s and still won't eat fruit or vegetables. We've been together 10 years now and I see him making some progress. He'll eat Caesar salad and take a bite of broccoli or corn to put on a good show for our kids. But for the most part, he refuses to eat produce - and doesn't like when produce is included in dishes (like making a roast with carrots, onions, etc would not fly with him).

My kids are 6 and 4. I made a list of the things they tend to eat.

Son:
Grilled cheese sandwiches
Jam sandwiches
Bagels with cream cheese
Tomato soup with crackers
Caesar salad

Daughter:
Spaghetti and meatballs
Chicken nuggets (only sometimes)
Corn on the cob
Broccoli
Yogurt

Both:
Hot dogs
Pancakes
Cheese pizza
Peanut butter sandwiches
Fresh fruit (both my kids eat this by the truckload, many different varieties)

Also, my husband comes home from work first and usually has dinner started by the time I get home. Most nights he makes pizza or does hot dogs for the kids and something else for us. We also do a lot of grazing, where we eat a variety of leftovers/snacks (just stuff you wouldn't normally consider "dinner") because there isn't very much that all 4 of us want to eat. I love veggies and more healthful foods. When I have made meals in the past, a lot of it gets thrown out because no one will eat it and it goes bad.

So for the most part, I don't worry about my kids because I know they are eating enough and good amounts of fresh fruit. But I don't know if I should force them to try other stuff? It just usually seems like more hassle than it's worth. My husband will unhappily go along and eat it, but make it known that he's forcing it down by making funny faces while he eats. I recognize that part of my husband's problem is because his mom never made him try things when he was younger, and I don't want to do that to my own kids. But I don't have the time or money to throw at making more "exotic" meals that will largely end up in the trash.

And when I have done stuff like this before, my kids refuse to eat it. They will take one bite because we make them and then refuse to eat anymore. They hold out for a bedtime snack (typically fruit or cheese/yogurt) and then have breakfast like normal in the morning. I pack them healthy things for lunch, but always the same 3-4 things on rotation. I just worry they aren't getting any variety and if I need to start forcing them. I don't want to be the mom of permanently picky kids, but I also don't want to be the mom who is always angry and resentful because no one eats her food and dinner is always a battle.

Wow, this was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. If anyone actually read through all of that, thanks for listening!

TL;DR - should I start making dinners that I know my picky family won't like and just forcing them to eat it?

[thyme4change]

I think stretching yourself and trying new things is a skill that needs to be practiced.  I don't like the idea of "forcing meals" onto people, but I usually try to introduce new foods (or recipes) in conjunction with an already successful dish.  For example, I wanted to try a glazed chickpea recipe I found.  I had a feeling this wasn't going to be a slam dunk - so I made a meatloaf and the chickpeas.  Everyone already loves meatloaf, and they had to have a few bites of the chickpeas.  

I personally think that being a picky eater puts you in difficult situations for the rest of your life.  Going places is less enjoyable, traveling is stressful, and if you do it wrong, it can harm you in professional circumstances.  I want my kids to be able to go someplace and enjoy themselves, even if there isn't a chicken nugget in site.  So, I am constantly stretching their taste buds and working with them to just try something.  I think it is healthier and more fun.  

[Deleted]

I would start with changing up 1 thing in a meal. So try a new side, new veggie or new main dish but round out the meal with things you know they will eat.

Or even try adding a new veggie onto a pizza and see if they can choke it down. 

My husband will eat ANYTHING so I don't have any problem with him. My kids are 6 & 7 and I only give them about a tablespoon of something new and tell them that they have to at least try it before they declare that they hate it.



I tell them the story from my childhood: I hate hate HATED chicken cacciatore when I was a child. It was the only thing I refused to eat. After one of our standoffs, my Mom stopped making it for a few years. Fast forward to some time around Hight School time and I start raving to Mom about the "new" dinner she made....yup, chicken cacciatore. 

So I tell them that people's taste buds change and they could end up liking something they used to hate, or vice versa. 

[Deleted]

Maybe you can get your kids and husband to start smoking so they deaden their tastebuds and will eat anything.

[Deleted]

I am in the same boat with DS - he'll be 2 soon.  Luckily DH will eat almost anything I cook as long as it isn't too rich (creamy) or spicy - I don't know if I would have been able to stand him for this long if he was as picky as your DH.   I'd politely ask him to stop making faces like a kid, that having a balanced palate is important to your family's health, and support you in what you're doing.

With DS, I sneak stuff into his food.  Or I try anyway.  He loves bread but hates meat, so sometimes we'll try to squish tiny pieces of meat into his bread.  He'll usually eat 1 or 2 pieces before he realizes that we tricked him.  I've also snuck veggies into other stuff for us.  Once I put a baby food jar of butternut squash into a baked mac and cheese.  It tasted fine and was just a teensy bit healthier!

There is a book out there - I know DQ has used it - called "The Sneaky Chef" or something.  It's a recipe book about trying to sneak vegetables into regular foods.  Oh, and DS won't eat vegetables either really, so I started buying veggie pasta for him.  He loves it, and he's getting some vegetables in, too!

[thyme4change]

Sorry - I didn't mean to post that.  You might want to try to institute a new eating policy.  Have each family member pick a night (like every Tuesday - not like June 12, 2013) and they pick and cook the menu for that night, and everyone eats that meal.  Give each kid 2-4 meals to choose from, and their set is unique from the other family members.  So, if you give one kid hamburgers, the other kid gets sausage.  Find a few meals where everyone likes at least one thing from that meal.  And then start working on adding in more items.  

They say it can take up to 10 times of trying something before you start to like it.  My example is Brussel Sprouts.  I hated them growing up, but I started cooking them.  I think we ate them for 3 months and didn't like them, and then one day, all of us liked them.  And then we really liked them.  Now they are our favorite, and my kids ask for them.  I tried 5 different recipes, and some have stuck, others tossed out.  But, I'm so glad I stuck with it.  

I also believe in using seasoning on vegetables.  Instead of leaving them off the shelf bland, I buy seasoning mixes and use them while cooking.  It gives veges a little life.  My kids love tacos, so I use Taco seasoning on zucchini and corn mixed together and serve it with tacos.  The kids love it, because it kind of tastes like a taco.  

[Tennesseer]

"TL;DR - should I start making dinners that I know my picky family won't like and just forcing them to eat it?"

You say your husband's mom allowed him to get away being a picky eater. You see how tat has worked out for you. Now your kids are taking after their dad in being allowed to be picky eaters.

Compromise with them all: allow them to eat what they like on occasion but introduce new things to both husband and kids in small doses. Everything prepared for them should be consumed. I wouldn't treat them to bedtime snacks if they are not even trying the new things your are preparing for them in small portions.

[thyme4change]

There is a book out there - I know DQ has used it - called "The Sneaky Chef" or something. It's a recipe book about trying to sneak vegetables into regular foods.

I question the value of cooking, pureeing, and then baking small amounts of vegetables within other foods - like the one where she sneaks something into brownies.  It just seems like a ploy to make moms feel less guilty about letting their kids eat whatever they want.  But, I am no nutritionist, so maybe I am wrong.

[Deleted]

May 30, 2013 11:17:07 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

There is a book out there - I know DQ has used it - called "The Sneaky Chef" or something. It's a recipe book about trying to sneak vegetables into regular foods.

I question the value of cooking, pureeing, and then baking small amounts of vegetables within other foods - like the one where she sneaks something into brownies.  It just seems like a ploy to make moms feel less guilty about letting their kids eat whatever they want.  But, I am no nutritionist, so maybe I am wrong.

I made a "healthy" baked mac and cheese a couple of months ago.  The cheese sauce had a head of cauliflower and a bunch of carrots in it.  I don't see that as some trivial thing.  Now sneaking stuff into brownies is a different story.  The way I see it, you should be introducing vegetables into stuff you already eat in moderation, not using it as an excuse to binge on mac and cheese and brownies.

[mmhmm]

I hate to use the old "back in the day" ploy, but my brother and I weren't allowed to "hate" foods unless the foods actually made us sick (allergies on my brother's part).  If you didn't want to eat something, fine.  You don't eat.  Food was prepared and served.  Somebody worked hard to earn the money to buy that food, and somebody worked to prepare it for us.  We were given to understand that if we didn't want what was prepared we were welcome to leave the table and go to our respective rooms.  There would be no desert, and there would be no snacks.  We used up a lot of energy, so we were hungry.  It didn't take long until we got the message.

Your husband is doing nothing more than enabling the kids' behavior.  I'd point that out to him.  He's responsible for teaching the kids how to best get along in the world, and how to eat healthy foods and maintain their bodies in the best possible way, just as you are.  At least, that's how I'd approach it.

[trimommy]

May 30, 2013 11:14:45 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

I wouldn't treat them to bedtime snacks if they are not even trying the new things your are preparing for them in small portions.

They will eat one bite at the table because we insist, but won't eat it more than that. I know I shouldn't give them the bedtime snacks, but it's so heartbreaking when they are crying because they are hungry and you know it's true. That's why I insist the snacks are healthy foods, but I don't know if I have the heart to send them to bed like that. 

And I have the sneaky chef book! What a ridiculous amount of work that is. I used it for two weeks and then filed it away. My kids didn't even like most of the food that we made out of it, not because they knew it had vegetables or tasted weird, but just because it "looked funny." I agree with PP - I'd rather my kids just learn to like the veggies in their more natural form.

[Deleted]

since your kids like grilled cheese, what about quesadillas?  They're basically grilled cheese with tortillas instead of bread.  And you can fill them with whatever you want - chicken, steak, beans, veggies...  If you put some spinach leaves into some quesadillas, will they get eaten?  I've done it for DS before (he'll eat it until he sees the green - then it gets chucked on the floor), and I've tasted it - the spinach taste is subtle and I think it goes well with the cheese.

[thyme4change]

I know I shouldn't give them the bedtime snacks, but it's so heartbreaking when they are crying because they are hungry and you know it's true.

LOL - they are playing you like violin.  If they are really that hungry, then they will eat something that they don't like.  If they won't, then they know they just have to look pathetic and you will give them what they want.  


Question...have you sat down with your husband and discussed this?  I would think that this would be one of those things that you will have to have at least 5 conversations about.  But, does he know how you feel about healthy food, and wanting to pass that along.  Given that he won't eat any veges or produce, how is his weight and health?  Does he have any problems that might be passed along to a new generation?  Does he think what he is doing is the right way to live, a good way to live?  Or does he know there is a better way, and he just doesn't want to go through the process?  It seems like you won't be able to help your kids if your husband undermines you every step of the way.

[Green Eyed Lady]

I've known it for sometime now, reading all these parenting threads, but this one aces it.  I was an abused child.  My mother cooked our meals (did not ask for input), put the food on our plates, and we sat there till we ate it.  Period.

And, yes.  I heard about starving kids in India nightly. 

[Tennesseer]

May 30, 2013 11:30:38 GMT -5 trimommy said:

May 30, 2013 11:14:45 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

I wouldn't treat them to bedtime snacks if they are not even trying the new things your are preparing for them in small portions.

They will eat one bite at the table because we insist, but won't eat it more than that. I know I shouldn't give them the bedtime snacks, but it's so heartbreaking when they are crying because they are hungry and you know it's true. That's why I insist the snacks are healthy foods, but I don't know if I have the heart to send them to bed like that. 

And I have the sneaky chef book! What a ridiculous amount of work that is. I used it for two weeks and then filed it away. My kids didn't even like most of the food that we made out of it, not because they knew it had vegetables or tasted weird, but just because it "looked funny." I agree with PP - I'd rather my kids just learn to like the veggies in their more natural form.

Make the bedtime snacks contingent upon trying the small portions of new foods? Bedtime snacks should be a treat.

[thyme4change]

Make the bedtime snacks contingent upon trying the small portions of new foods? Bedtime snacks should be a treat.

Sounds like they already eat one bite at dinner, and then get "healthy" bedtime treats because they are crying because they are so hungry.  My thought is to say to the kids - "Here's the deal kids, if you are still hungry at dinner, you can go to bed, or eat leftovers from dinner."  And stick with that for 30 days.  Let them piss and moan all they want.  After that month, you will have a totally different food dynamic.  But that will only work if your husband doesn't undo your authority.

[Tennesseer]

May 30, 2013 11:37:24 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I've known it for sometime now, reading all these parenting threads, but this one aces it.  I was an abused child.  My mother cooked our meals (did not ask for input), put the food on our plates, and we sat there till we ate it.  Period.

And, yes.  I heard about starving kids in India nightly. 

As a kid, my mother used to make my younger sister sit at the dining table until 8-9 pm to finish her food. What wasn't finished at that time was served to her the following morning as breakfast. So began the dislike-dislike relationship between them their whole lives. It was abusive.

[resolution]

May 30, 2013 11:37:24 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I've known it for sometime now, reading all these parenting threads, but this one aces it.  I was an abused child.  My mother cooked our meals (did not ask for input), put the food on our plates, and we sat there till we ate it.  Period.

And, yes.  I heard about starving kids in India nightly. 

I remember sitting for what felt like hours with a pile of cold beans on my plate until I choked them down. 

I really wish my MIL had done the same with DH, it would have made life much easier for me now.

[sheilaincali]

DS (15) was a picky eater when he was younger.  Didn't really phase us much but at the time we did cater a bit to his demands.  Bad I know.  When he was 6 his grandparents started taking him with them to travel the country in their motor home.  They didn't tolerate his being a picky eater so they would pay him $1 any time he tried a new food.  Probably not the best solution either, but it worked.
By the time he came home after that first full summer of being on the road with them he'd eat anything we put in front of him for the most part.  The kid would rather have sushi than pizza and has never to my knowledge ordered a hamburger and fries at a restaurant. 

I know a lot of adults who are picky eaters and every one of them admits that as a kid they were picky eaters and it ended up being a life long trait that they passed on to their kids.

I'd try to nip that in the bud now.  Your kids are 6 and 4 and they are old enough to start having some input in the meal planning.  Give them options and let them help make out the plan for the week.  See if there is a farmer's market near you that you can take them to.  Big difference between picking out a handful of ripe tomatoes at the farmers market and getting them from the grocery store in the plasic container.  As my niece and nephew started learning how to read and could help with the meal plan they'd get really in to it.  They'd read the dry erase board in the morning and announce what was for dinner that night and make sure my sister had everything they'd need to  make the meal. 

Kids like pictures-  cruise some of the websites with recipes and pictures and see what strikes their fancy.  We try new dishes all the time and vote on them during dinner as to whether it's an "add to the rotation" or "let's never make this again" Make little cards for the kids to use to vote on the dishes they like "Yeah" or "Nay".  Better to involve them some in the decision making than have to force them to eat what you made. 

As far as your husband goes- I'm not a nice wife.  The phrase "Suck it up Buttercup" is said frequently at our house.  He needs to knock it off with the grossed out faces and refusal to eat veggies in front of the kids. 

[Deleted]

Agree with thyme...they are playing you. Save their dinner plates. If they are hungry at bedtime, present them their plates again. Even warm it up for them. a few nights where they don't eat anything before bed might teach them the lesson. Of course,i wouldn't start this around finals time PR anything like that....

I agree with PPs. Your DH is not helping...

[justme]

I was a picky eater as a kid. That try one bite thing will never work if it's truly one bite. It's easy to swallow one bite without tasting it and move on to what you like. Every serving I had had several bites I had to eat. (Be forewarned, the standoffs of "you can't leave the table til you finish that" get worse as they get older if you have a stubborn kid.) Also, if the kids know they are going to get something of substance before bed they won't worry about leaving the dinner table still a little hungry. My mom also refused to be a short order cook - there was one meal for dinner. Though that was a little easier because I wasn't as picky as your kids.

One big thing I would suggest - try to find out WHY your kids don't like certain things. It might be hard for them to articulate why, but it could explain and help you so much if you knew. Like my parents really wanted me to eat cereal (instead of my other breakfast foods of yogurt, eggs, pancakes/waffles) but I absolutely hated it, like had to gag it down. Turns out I HATE the taste of plain milk (or at least the 2% my parents buy) which is the majority of cereal, but as a little kid all I knew was that cereal tasted bad not realizing it was the milk part. Another thing is I hated crunchy food. I didn't discover until high school that the reason why is that the gums around my top molars are actually the same level as my molars so my gums would get ripped apart by the crunchy food when I chewed with my molars. I had no idea as a little kid that I was different that way, I just thought other people were crazy and liked eating food that hurt, but didn't think enough to tell my parents that's why I didn't like dry cereal/pretzels/chips/etc. I also have a texture thing where some textures just make me gag, but my mom is like that too so she at least understood that one.

While there's still some things I won't eat, it's a lot easier to try new things now that I know why I don't like some things.

I also learned to cook really young, so that probably helped some too since then I had control over what I ate.

[Abby Normal]

We stopped doing snacks because DS would rather eat the crackers at school, than dinner at home. Teachers didn't like it, but screw them.

I do sneak veggies in, but I don't puree them.  I add finely chopped spinach, and peeled zucchini to lasagna.   DS doesn't have a wide range of veggies he'll eat "plain" but if I add them into things he usually likes it.  I do stuff like that alot. Once he gets used to the taste- I leave the pieces larger.  I also find that the hungrier he is, the more willing he is to thing he doesn't "like".

We do a lot of make your own salads.  I chop up a bunch of veggies and he can put what he wants on.  He has to have at least 5 types of veggies plus lettuce. We also have a saying   " Take what you want, but eat what you take. If you don't take enough, I fill up your plate. "

[thyme4change]

I remember once after the kids went to bed my hubby said "Thanks for trying new recipes.  That one tonight was awful."  I already knew that - but I appreciated that he waited until the kids were asleep to let me know that he would rather starve to death in a barren desert than eat that again.  

[muttleynfelix]

I think you need to get your DH on board on not being picky. You aren't a short order cook. The kids are learning some of their pickiness from your hubby.  So, he needs to learn to suck it up and honestly if he is still hungry after not eating his supper, after the kids go to bed he can make himself a PB&J.  But I would not cater to him (or let him cater to himself) while the kids are watching.

My DS is only 3, so I don't know if this will work on your kids or not. But somedays he likes things and somedays he may hate that some thing.  So, we fix a main dish knowing it may be hit or miss. We give DS the choice of veggie - do you want peas or green beans (we keep a variety of frozen veggies and then prepare enough for one meal. We then give DS a choice of fruit.  If he eats most of his fruits and veggies, tries his main dish without complaint, then he can have desert. We don't do bedtime snacks - mainly because by the time we get done with supper it is close to his bedtime right now.  I would probably start limiting bedtime snacks. Yes, they are hungry, but they are hungry because they didn't eat supper. If you want to give them a bedtime snack, they can eat leftover supper. 

If there is something one of you kids genuinely dislikes, then come up with an easy alternative. For example, I don't like chili and never have. My mom would buy extra ground beef for the chili and make me a hamburger and fix it in the broiler.

[Green Eyed Lady]

May 30, 2013 11:42:15 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

May 30, 2013 11:37:24 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I've known it for sometime now, reading all these parenting threads, but this one aces it.  I was an abused child.  My mother cooked our meals (did not ask for input), put the food on our plates, and we sat there till we ate it.  Period.

And, yes.  I heard about starving kids in India nightly. 

As a kid, my mother used to make my younger sister sit at the dining table until 8-9 pm to finish her food. What wasn't finished at that time was served to her the following morning as breakfast. So began the dislike-dislike relationship between them their whole lives. It was abusive.

That does sound excessive, Tenn.  But it would seem a better course of action would be just to eat the dinner.  The blame there has to be shared.  I know nothing about your sister, but was she being stubborn?  If so, sometimes there are consequences for that.  It didn't take me till I was a teenager to realize I just needed to eat my dinner.  Mom wasn't serving stychnine. 

Luckily, we don't have a dislike-dislike relationship.  Well....at least until I just called her and told her she was abusive.

[NancysSummerSip]

May 30, 2013 11:27:51 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

I hate to use the old "back in the day" ploy, but my brother and I weren't allowed to "hate" foods unless the foods actually made us sick (allergies on my brother's part).  If you didn't want to eat something, fine.  You don't eat.  Food was prepared and served.  Somebody worked hard to earn the money to buy that food, and somebody worked to prepare it for us.  We were given to understand that if we didn't want what was prepared we were welcome to leave the table and go to our respective rooms.  There would be no desert, and there would be no snacks.  We used up a lot of energy, so we were hungry.  It didn't take long until we got the message.

Your husband is doing nothing more than enabling the kids' behavior.  I'd point that out to him.  He's responsible for teaching the kids how to best get along in the world, and how to eat healthy foods and maintain their bodies in the best possible way, just as you are.  At least, that's how I'd approach it.

I noticed that, too. Making the kids something different tells them that it's not a "my way or the highway" situation, and that you will bend to their will. Did not happen in my days as a kid, either. We ate what there was, or we did not eat. Message received.
But it also does not hurt to get the kids involved in food prep. They are at the age where they can be influenced. Give them simple chores in the kitchen, like washing produce, and stirring pots. All under parental guidance, of course. Reward positive behavior, such as trying the new foods. Get them involved in the food process, like couponing and shopping (if you think that bringing them to the grocery store is OK).

[justme]

May 30, 2013 11:41:57 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Make the bedtime snacks contingent upon trying the small portions of new foods? Bedtime snacks should be a treat.

Sounds like they already eat one bite at dinner, and then get "healthy" bedtime treats because they are crying because they are so hungry.  My thought is to say to the kids - "Here's the deal kids, if you are still hungry at dinner, you can go to bed, or eat leftovers from dinner."  And stick with that for 30 days.  Let them piss and moan all they want.  After that month, you will have a totally different food dynamic.  But that will only work if your husband doesn't undo your authority.

I was the picky kid that would rather go hungry then eat certain things. (Actually, I still am.) It's not like dinner is the only meal your kids get during the day. The worst thing that will happen is the eat a bigger breakfast than normal because they didn't eat a big enough dinner. Either they'll be OK with living like that or they'll eventually either start eating more new stuff or at least eat MORE of the stuff they like a dinner.

Hell, I get lazy and eat next to nothing for dinner sometimes and then just eat a bigger breakfast the next day. No harm done.

[Deleted]

With my kids we typically cook one meal for the family to eat. Everyone tries everything. We also have other foods the kids can eat if they don't like the dinner.

I don't think making a screaming and crying kid choke down cold beans because that is what is on the plate is helpful for anyone.

[justme]

May 30, 2013 11:42:15 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

May 30, 2013 11:37:24 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I've known it for sometime now, reading all these parenting threads, but this one aces it.  I was an abused child.  My mother cooked our meals (did not ask for input), put the food on our plates, and we sat there till we ate it.  Period.

And, yes.  I heard about starving kids in India nightly. 

As a kid, my mother used to make my younger sister sit at the dining table until 8-9 pm to finish her food. What wasn't finished at that time was served to her the following morning as breakfast. So began the dislike-dislike relationship between them their whole lives. It was abusive.

Wow, my parents weren't that bad. Though really their flaw was leaving me at the table alone. When they were watching TV, taking a shower, on the computer, whatever I would sneak into the kitchen, pick up some of the garbage, throw the food in, then go back to the table and say all done and when they looked in the trash there was no evidence.

[Green Eyed Lady]

May 30, 2013 11:53:05 GMT -5 justme said:

May 30, 2013 11:42:15 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

As a kid, my mother used to make my younger sister sit at the dining table until 8-9 pm to finish her food. What wasn't finished at that time was served to her the following morning as breakfast. So began the dislike-dislike relationship between them their whole lives. It was abusive.

Wow, my parents weren't that bad. Though really their flaw was leaving me at the table alone. When they were watching TV, taking a shower, on the computer, whatever I would sneak into the kitchen, pick up some of the garbage, throw the food in, then go back to the table and say all done and when they looked in the trash there was no evidence.

DAMMIT!  Why didn't I think of that??