thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 14, 2013 10:42:59 GMT -5
Is there a way you can go for "a girls weekend" at a spa or something? 48 hours together with you being somewhat silent, she might relax and talk to you a bit. If she doesn't, and you can contain yourself from speaking your mind for the weekend, she might just get the message that you will always be there - even if you are there and biting your tongue.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 10:54:50 GMT -5
YES YES YES thyme that is a great idea. It is a problem with getting quality and quantity time to fully discuss things. A lot has been done driving, I try to guage her temperment when she comes over, sometimes she just wants to chill, sometimes we will talk.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 14, 2013 11:07:20 GMT -5
The OB paperwork she filled out had those kind of questions and I am also able to discuss with her OB, she happens to be my GYN so we are familiar. I think I will at least bring it up with the OB and she can guide DD on these things. That is one of the things I can do. I really don't think she is going to get an abortion. Hey that MCjob was paying her 9.35 and afforded her the opportunity to get her own apt and car and live on her own. She has an interview on thurs for a "proper" job, hopefully with bennies and part time. No dings on the McJob shift manager from me. I do wish I had your cost of living though. I wish her luck and hope it is not as bad as it appears with the BF.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 14, 2013 11:35:17 GMT -5
/nosy Why did she tell her mother she was pregnant at all? I've been pregnant many times (unfortunately) and I only finally told my mom when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my baby. \nosy She wanted to. We just told our parents and some very close friends. I'm sorry - nobody tells you how hard it is to become a parent (or not to become one as the case may be).
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 14, 2013 11:36:51 GMT -5
Loving parents who wanted a kid more than anything still reach their wits end at times. I have a 7:45 appointment in the morning to masturbate into a cup for a semen analysis and I am freaking out... And we are not even pregnant yet!! why? You guys are young and healthy, no?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 14, 2013 11:39:08 GMT -5
YES YES YES thyme that is a great idea. It is a problem with getting quality and quantity time to fully discuss things. A lot has been done driving, I try to guage her temperment when she comes over, sometimes she just wants to chill, sometimes we will talk. When I was young, and broke, I would take my mother up on anything she would pay for - dinner out, a weekend away, a pedicure, a massage. So, whatever you can afford might seem a luxury to her.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 15:45:21 GMT -5
WARNING >>>> RANT They just came back from St. Augustine and they had done a waxing of their hands with a little wax heart attached. As I was handling it the wax heart fell off and she went ballistic, he walked in and told him and he rolled his eyes and walked out.... OMG like I pulled of the fuxxing heart on purpose. So we are not talking right now, she how she likes them apples. I need a drink to deal with this childish disaster.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 14, 2013 16:03:44 GMT -5
Naggie, I think you need a serious warning right now. If you think things are going to get better, think again. You have two children here, with a child of their own on the way. You seem to think that your DD is going to get another job, part time, with benefits. Let me remind you that Florida labor laws do not consider pregnancy a protected state. Your DD will likely be terminated from that new job when her employers want to terminate her. She won't be eligible for FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) coverage unless she is employed at least a year, full time (12 months or 1,250 hours in that 12 months), by a company with at least 50 employees. Even then, the leave isn't forever, and it is unpaid, unless she has sick/vacation time to use. Meanwhile, the two of them are off in St. Augustine, doing whatever, and a minor situation results in one of them "going ballistic." The silent treatment and eye-rolling ensues, and that's just adding more childish fuel to the fire. I'm not there, obviously, but it certainly does not sound like there's a plan of real action here. No "A,B,C,D" list of what to do, who to see and how to proceed next. I'm a compulsive listmaker, so call me crazy if I have to see it all down on paper (or iPad, or Blackberry or Android). Plenty of people, including folks on this board, have been through what your DD is going through and what you are about to face. They did not do it by reacting as a child to a child. They toughened up, turned on the love and care and concern and most important, made a plan. They did not try and predict the course of all future things, because no one can do that. They did get their finances in line, their life basics in order and hunkered down to face reality. www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/fmla-faqs.htm
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 14, 2013 16:04:02 GMT -5
You need to totally divorce yourself from this mess. Two babies having a baby. It isn't a toy, for Pete's sake! When I think of all the people desperate for a child it makes me ill.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on May 14, 2013 16:30:43 GMT -5
What is a waxing of their hands? With a heart attached. Never heard of this. Is this like waxing your....eyebrows?
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 16:31:01 GMT -5
Yes that post was childish, but I am pissed. Put my feelings out here on this post and now waiting for the back lash.
Yes she is going to school and yes we know about FMLA, either new job or old she wasn't getting paid for FMLA, we know that.
Either way she isn't getting paid for maternity leave, if she gets this new job she won't be fired, unless she is not performing up to par.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 14, 2013 16:32:26 GMT -5
Naggie....
You mentioned that your DD is going to your gyn, so I am assuming that since she is under 26, she is still on her father's health insurance. Have you looked as to what happens to the child with regards to health insurance?
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 16:36:05 GMT -5
The child will have medicaid, or one of the parents will have to get a job between now and then with benefits. GEL ... they were holding hands ( roll eyes) then you dip your hand in wax .... well actually I don't know how they do it but there was a small wax heart held onto the wax hands by the wax....oh yeas I purposely yanked it of to teach them a lesson not to bring cheesy crap into my house ... They all had the day off, I have no problems with them going out for the day don't see why anyone else would here. Anyone here who has a daughter may know the eye rolling and slamming door phase ... well sometimes it comes back up again and again. We all have mothers, some aren't perfect, I am not. These girl/mother arguments are INTENSE.....but funny.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 14, 2013 16:36:19 GMT -5
Yes she is going to school and yes we know about FMLA, either new job or old she wasn't getting paid for FMLA, we know that. True, but FMLA protects her job.
Either way she isn't getting paid for maternity leave, if she gets this new job she won't be fired, unless she is not performing up to par. You don't know this. At the very least, she will not have the same protection that she did at her McDonald's job through FMLA because she will not have enough hours under her belt.
If she gets the job, she will likely be on a 3-6 month probationary period, where they can release her without cause. Her going away on maternity leave *could* be sufficient reason for showing her the door.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 16:39:56 GMT -5
It's a 90 day probation, she won't get fired unless they no longer need the position or she is crap at it.
I am NOT in her relationship, I am in HER life, I think I have said this before. Just because I post it here doesn't mean that everything I post I have actually done or followed through with. Apart from this new shit, me and her I think have a normal mother/teen relationship. It doesn't seem to be much different than others I have spoken with.
Yes some daughters are angels and give parents not one minute of concern, she however is not one of those elusive angel daughters and hasn't been since 12.
Thank goodness my DS is relatively quiet.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 14, 2013 16:47:50 GMT -5
Yes. She is 19 and immature having a baby. And it may be difficult. But in 10 yrs she willbe 29. So then she will be a 29 yr old witha 10 yr old child and she could be in a very different place. So how others can just say that abortion is the best thing to do , well that is not necessarily true.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on May 14, 2013 16:52:40 GMT -5
Dear Heavens, Zib. Why in the world are you trying to convince a grandmother-to-be to talk her daughter into killing her grandbaby? I understand that some people think killing babies is the right thing to do, but it's a personal choice. NOBODY should advise a woman to kill her baby. If that's what she decides to do, that is her decision. Just because baby daddy yells and screams doesn't mean a baby deserves to die. Ya'll need to get a grip. I would venture to guess that a whole bunch of intelligent, productive people on this very board were born to women 19 years old or even younger and you all turned out just fine. I am in total agreement with this. I think I posted a warning about it many pages back (My posts are being eaten by the angry bear a lot lately). But if you advocate for abortion I can just see the guy using it as a wedge to keep the daughter and her parents apart and I can see/hear the child being told in the future your grandmother wanted us to abort you. DO NOT GO THERE! I also have a BIL who had a child at 19. The mother is out of the picutre and the DD is 16. I have a 16 yo DD too. My MIL used to have both girls a lot. I used to think my BIL had a lot of anger when dealing with his DD. He now has 3 children (16,8 and 4?). He is much more even tempered. Nothing is for sure, maybe this guy will mellow out with age. Inviting DD to move home and pursue her education is a good plan imo.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 14, 2013 16:52:43 GMT -5
...:::"OMG that sounded maniacal. The only thing I will say is that why I was not surprised that this would be her journey.":::...
Is she convinced her child will be the vessel for interdimensional God-Angel Khylfhg-Lzor or something, and (to quote Ghostbusters 2) there are many benefits to being the mother of a living god?
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 16:56:49 GMT -5
They both called me to apologize for their over reaction - boy do they need to get their tempers in check - among a lot of other things.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 16:58:55 GMT -5
LOL at WWGB, maybe I shall have to ask her.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on May 14, 2013 17:02:49 GMT -5
Naggie? For what it's worth, I don't think you are too involved in your daughter's life. I also don't see the "drama" others are going on and on about. If my mom thought some guy was hurting me, she'd just go out and shoot them, so your involvement is a lot less than hers would be!! My mom told me once that her love and concern for me didn't end when I reached the age of majority. There were still a lot of things she could teach me. And she was right. I'm so dang lucky.
Anyway...be there for her, love her and support her in any decision she makes. And all the best to you, your dd and your grandbaby.
PS: Thanks for the info on the waxing.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 14, 2013 17:13:34 GMT -5
Ok, I just have to point out the different ways that these 2 kids throwing a fit is being presented. He gets angry over something stupid, as told by a 3rd party not present, & therefore he is abusive, she needs to run, get a restraining order, get an abortion, etc. She gets angry over something stupid, and it is just an intense mother/daughter argument with a typical teen girl.
Just my 2 cents, but if she goes ballistic with you, she probably does it with him too. They probably have their fair share of blowups. It isn't good and it really isn't good if she gets scared when he gets angry. But, the blame then runs both ways. She can't throw a fit & go "ballistic" if she expects him to not do the same. More than anything these two probably just need some lessons in communicating like adults.
You want my perspective, you mostly need to stay out of this. You can have a few conversations, but push to hard & you will push you more towards him & she won't trust you or come to you if things do get worse. A lot of advice on this thread was way over the top. You can't force her to leave him, you can't make her get a restraining order (which would probably leave a judge laughing if she even tried, I saw nothing about any physical harm or serious threat of physical harm), and you can't make her get an abortion. You push her to do any of those things if she isn't ready or doesn't see a need & you will push her away. Don't approach him or his family about this - you will look like an interferring mom.
At most you should let her know that she will always have a place in your house no matter what & you will never judge her. You could help her find counseling or couples counseling if she is interested. Then they could learn how to communicate or she might learn it is an abusive relationship, if it indeed is one. Anything more than that & you are being a pushy mom at a time when she is trying to be an adult & find her way.
I know this is very hard for you & you are extremely worried about your daughter, but she is an adult & you need to let her make her own decisions.
And as far as FMLA, it only applies if she has been at a job for 12 months. So if she gets a new job, then FMLA does not apply & her job is not going to be guaranteed if she takes any maternity leave. FMLA means they can't fire you for taking maternity leave, has nothing to do with whether or not the time off is paid.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 17:47:54 GMT -5
Thanks Angel, they have both identified temper issues and will be going to some parental strageties program.
I do want to point out that I have heard him, he gets way more mental than the situation warrants...like WAY more....
Add that to other things I know then well....just a concern right now ... I will just have to keep the lines of communication open..
AH yes she is a bit stubborn and annoying too, don't doubt they can egg each other on.
If she can make ME pitch a fit.....ME ..... and HER DAD then I have no doubt of her egging on abilities...she is one stubborn gal and what I know of him he is too.
They def. need to work on communication issues....no doubt about that..
Thanks GEL, it is hard to keep emotions out of posts ... I am not a robot ... I really appreciate the advice... Nancy gave me excellent info for all kinds of help. Also someone else posted about what his side might be going through (maybe this thread or the other) and that was very helpful to be put into words and for me to read and be able to digest that info. Do get a bit mad at a lot of the assumptions mainly personal assumptions that are posted because of prior posts by me.
This I do know...barring any kind of future drug use or disability ... she IS very able to parent this child, this I have no doubt. We ARE willing to provide her with emotional support and personal help, this child WILL grow up with love and affection.
We are proceeding in our duties as though he will not be available, if he is then that is an added bonus (I hope) and a positive.
I am and will be positive, her life will change but it will not put her out of the game.
And as far as FMLA, it only applies if she has been at a job for 12 months. So if she gets a new job, then FMLA does not apply & her job is not going to be guaranteed if she takes any maternity leave. FMLA means they can't fire you for taking maternity leave, has nothing to do with whether or not the time off is paid.
We know about FMLA, well at least a little. She wouldn't get PAID maternity at McDonalds but they would be required to keep the job open. A new job FMLA would not apply because of the 12 months thing however she will not get fired apart from the reasons I presented in another post.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 14, 2013 17:54:19 GMT -5
Naggie-even at your daughter's current employer, will she meet the minimum requirements for FMLA (thanks to the link from NancyintouristyFL):
Who can take FMLA leave?
In order to be eligible to take leave under the FMLA, an employee must:
*work for a covered employer;
*have worked 1,250 hours during the 12 months prior to the start of leave; (special hours of service rules apply to airline flight crew members)
*work at a location where the employer has 50 or more employees within 75 miles;
*and have worked for the employer for 12 months. The 12 months of employment are not required to be consecutive in order for the employee to qualify for FMLA leave. In general, only employment within seven years is counted unless the break in service is (1) due to an employee’s fulfillment of military obligations, or (2) governed by a collective bargaining agreement or other written agreement.
If your daughter gets a new job, she clearly won't meet the requirements for FMLA by the time the baby is due.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 14, 2013 17:55:23 GMT -5
Disregard the above post. It has been addressed.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 18:02:40 GMT -5
*work for a covered employer;
*have worked 1,250 hours during the 12 months prior to the start of leave; (special hours of service rules apply to airline flight crew members)
*work at a location where the employer has 50 or more employees within 75 miles;
*and have worked for the employer for 12 months. The 12 months of employment are not required to be consecutive in order for the employee to qualify for FMLA leave. In general, only employment within seven years is counted unless the break in service is (1) due to an employee’s fulfillment of military obligations, or (2) governed by a collective bargaining agreement or other written agreement.
If your daughter gets a new job, she clearly won't meet the requirements for FMLA by the time the baby is due.
Don't know about the first one. Yes to 1250, yes to the second, yes to the third. I don't know too much deeper than that, is FMLA a federal or state thing? So assuming her employer at the moment does have/do FMLA she would be covered for UNPAID FMLA leave. If she gets the new job NO she will not be covered for FMLA.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2013 18:10:31 GMT -5
If she gets the new job NO she will not be covered for FMLA.
Naggie, does the prospective employer know she's pregnant? I don't want to rain on your parade, but being realistic, right or wrong, I honestly can't see anybody choosing to employ a pregnant woman, unless she has other things going for her, ie education and/or experience. Unless they don't know. And if she's at 12 weeks, they will find out soon enough.
As always, good luck.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 14, 2013 18:20:04 GMT -5
Thanks hon, yes they are aware of her pregnancy. I understand what everyone is saying, I really do..but if she gets the job she won't get fired because of maternity leave/requesting FMLA.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 14, 2013 18:48:04 GMT -5
Naggie - Your grandchild could be a great blessing in your life. Sometimes blessings come our way but are not so obvious. Just trust that life is going to work out.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 14, 2013 19:59:26 GMT -5
...:::"...barring any future drug use...":::...
Is this a concern?
Something was said earlier about how the kids may be leveraging naggie's desire not to see the baby hurt in order to coax her into concessions. That may very well be true.
I am very curious how your DD would react if you stopped agreeing to be the one to break her fall. Its hard to judge this far into the thread -- it did seem like she'd done a good amount of planning and leg work herself. I assume you can't just renege on whatever you've pledged to do.
But maybe you could make yourself a little less available. I feel this way about DW sometimes... I feel like I am valued less because I'll "always be there". While being devoted seems to be a good trait in a parent or spouse; its dark side is that you can get brushed aside because "you don't need the attention since you'll always be there anyway".
I wonder if you tried the opposite: stop trying to turn everything into an "opportunity to talk" and let her talk to you when/if she is ready. At least then you are getting "quality" talk (in that she must want to if she is initiating it) vs. being more tolerated or handled because you are trying to brooch all these subjects.
Yes I know, some of this stuff is very time sensitive. Still... THEY are the ones having a baby (that they seem to want) and sometimes other people won't be around to help.
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