Marriages and family standing

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 14:37:10 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

May 6, 2013 14:34:24 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I can't imagine that I'll think any man or woman will be good enough to marry my girls.

Sure you will.  After they wear you down with bad musicians, outlaw bikers, and extreme-sports wannabees, you'll welcome the first Dilbert who walks through the door.

True.  That is probably why my in-laws liked me.

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 14:30:48 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

May 6, 2013 14:19:58 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

I'll bet the neighbors like him whenever they're having car troubles (besides, who the F cares what the neighbors think?).

Also, I'd bet it would be perfectly ok if the guy was the high earner.  DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT!!

I totally agree with this.  No one ever questions the man who makes 6 figures but marries the secretary and someone in a very low-paid profession. 

That said, I would have a REALLY hard time marrying someone who made significantly less than me.  While I never want someone to support me, I sure as hell don't want to support someone else.  I have a high-stress career (with hours to match) and I would get pissed off very quickly if I was married to a slacker who was not helping to get us to where we need to be financially.  Also, since I believe in separate finances, it would be awkward when my hsuband couldn't afford to vacation with me

so if your DH decided that he was going to work half as much as he does now and instead help out more at home you would leave him? 

[Deleted]

it's good to know that a person's worth is directly related to their career ambition and salary.

[Spellbound454]

There are two sides to a story.

Whilst the parents are thinking their little angel is marrying beneath her.
Her boyfriend's parents are thinking he is marrying beneath him....and nothing could be good enough for their prince.

Whatever...the choice is their own. Maybe money isn't that important to them.
You have to let them live their lives.....

My lovely daughter has a great boyfriend...except he has red hair and I'm trying to envision red haired grandchildren someday and what colour ribbons do I buy. All sorts goes through your mind when you let go of your most beloved.

[Deleted]

In serious note, in my opinion  love binds them from any difference in social, income factors.

But I think intelligence is more important than income factor. Of Course being in love is most important. In marriage you need to carry on daily conversations to keep the communication alive between two party without that marriage can go south pretty fast.  

People often mistakenly believe  lust as love when they meet someone.

[thyme4change]

May 6, 2013 14:54:19 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

May 6, 2013 14:30:48 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

That said, I would have a REALLY hard time marrying someone who made significantly less than me.  While I never want someone to support me, I sure as hell don't want to support someone else.  I have a high-stress career (with hours to match) and I would get pissed off very quickly if I was married to a slacker who was not helping to get us to where we need to be financially.  Also, since I believe in separate finances, it would be awkward when my hsuband couldn't afford to vacation with me

so if your DH decided that he was going to work half as much as he does now and instead help out more at home you would leave him? 

Would it be a decision made together, based on the needs of the family - or did one day he just announce that he doesn't want to go to work any longer because he thinks all of his coworkers are doo-doo heads, and it was up to the wife to pick up the slack?

[Deleted]

My physics Ph.D. friend recently divorced from her also extremely well educated husband.  He comes from a family of doctors and scientists.  Her new BF is blue collar, works construction.  She said they actually have way more in common when it comes to day to day stuff and that he treats her much better. We'll see how it works out but it's nice to see her happy. 

Since women are increasingly the ones getting degrees I think this type of relationship will become more common.

[steph08]

My parents aren't rich, but they are both college graduates and provided for my brother and I. And when their 19 year-old college junior started dated a 26 year-old factory worker, maybe they were worried. I don't know - they never said anything (at least to my face).

I am sure that DH is not what my parents pictured when they thought of my future husband, but they never said anything bad about him - perhaps because he is just a nice guy. A few months before we got married, DH's factory closed and he went back to college full-time and graduated in three years. Now he has a good job with the state and makes a decent amount of money, about the same as me. Of course, neither of us make anywhere near six figures. But how were my parents to know that when we got together way back when?

Perhaps my parents realized that he made me happy and there is more to a person than how much money they earn.

I don't think there is anything wrong with making 45k - hell, that is what DH and I make. Perhaps her parents think that the guy isn't ambitious because he only makes 45k? But I think that is a good income for a mechanic, and if that is what he likes, then I don't see a problem with it.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

it's good to know that a person's worth is directly related to their career ambition and salary

This is new to you?

My dad floored me when we were arguing about DH before I married and he said the only acceptable excuse for DH not having any ambition job wise would be if we chose to have him stay home with our child.

Never in a million years would I have considered my dad the type of person to be cool with me having a house husband. 

Maybe that's what this couple is thinking.  We have several higher earning females with stay at home dads on the boards.

[Miss Tequila]

May 6, 2013 14:54:19 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

May 6, 2013 14:30:48 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I totally agree with this.  No one ever questions the man who makes 6 figures but marries the secretary and someone in a very low-paid profession. 

That said, I would have a REALLY hard time marrying someone who made significantly less than me.  While I never want someone to support me, I sure as hell don't want to support someone else.  I have a high-stress career (with hours to match) and I would get pissed off very quickly if I was married to a slacker who was not helping to get us to where we need to be financially.  Also, since I believe in separate finances, it would be awkward when my hsuband couldn't afford to vacation with me

so if your DH decided that he was going to work half as much as he does now and instead help out more at home you would leave him? 

I would never respect a man who stayed home and let his wife work...it's ok, I know not everyone believes that way but I do so my marriage wouldn't make it if my husband decided I needed to support his able-bodied ass.  Much like I would never wake up one day and expect him to support me.

If he invested wisely and was able to retire early, I'd be happy for him.  Not so much if he expected me to work and cover bills so he could stay home.

[Deleted]

to answer the OP, as long as my daughter-in-law/son-in-law to be wasn't a toxic person, wasn't a moocher, worked a decent job, and truly cared for my child, then that's all I could ask for.  FWIW, I was seen as the "moocher" or the financial weak link in our relationship.  I was trying to better myself, and that impression I got from my now ILs made me feel like a huge loser.

Would it be a decision made together, based on the needs of the family - or did one day he just announce that he doesn't want to go to work any longer because he thinks all of his coworkers are doo-doo heads, and it was up to the wife to pick up the slack?

I would hope that it wouldn't be some knee-jerk decision...

[Tennesseer]

May 6, 2013 14:42:50 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Tenn - we all know you are right, but I totally understand how parents have a hard time sitting by and biting their tongue, while watching their daughter make what they feel is a huge mistake.  Marriage is a big deal - the guy will soon be the co-owner of their daughter's life.  Their money, their time, their future - all of that is now in shared control.  If you feel like the person that will be sharing control will bring more heartache than help - you have to do a lot of yoga to keep from speaking your mind.

I know do understand Thyme. I would want nothing but the best for my child. But too much interference may cause the child to dig in their heels even deeper. You just hope for (and passively encourage) a lengthy engagement so it buys your child some additional time to really get to know their intended.

[Miss Tequila]

May 6, 2013 14:56:52 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

it's good to know that a person's worth is directly related to their career ambition and salary.

It isn't.  But I am old-fashioned enough to not have it in me to support a man.  Over time I would resent him...I work because it provides us a nice lifestyle.  I do not work because I am one of those "I can't imagine my life without a career"...I CAN imagine my life without my career but I cant' have the lifestyle we want AND a life without my career.  So if I'm sucking it up for the better of the family, my husband better damn well do it, too.

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 15:04:49 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

to answer the OP, as long as my daughter-in-law/son-in-law to be wasn't a toxic person, wasn't a moocher, worked a decent job, and truly cared for my child, then that's all I could ask for.  FWIW, I was seen as the "moocher" or the financial weak link in our relationship.  I was trying to better myself, and that impression I got from my now ILs made me feel like a huge loser.

Would it be a decision made together, based on the needs of the family - or did one day he just announce that he doesn't want to go to work any longer because he thinks all of his coworkers are doo-doo heads, and it was up to the wife to pick up the slack?

I would hope that it wouldn't be some knee-jerk decision...

No one would Dark make that mistake.  I mean no one would dare make that mis-dark.  I mean no dark would dare make that mistake.  

You know what I mean.

[Tennesseer]

May 6, 2013 14:57:07 GMT -5 Spellbound454 said:

There are two sides to a story.

Whilst the parents are thinking their little angel is marrying beneath her.
Her boyfriend's parents are thinking he is marrying beneath him....and nothing could be good enough for their prince.

Whatever...the choice is their own. Maybe money isn't that important to them.
You have to let them live their lives.....

My lovely daughter has a great boyfriend...except he has red hair and I'm trying to envision red haired grandchildren someday and what colour ribbons do I buy. All sorts goes through your mind when you let go of your most beloved.

Gingers. .

[Bob Ross]

See, I beg to differ on the opinion that the blue collar guy in question lacks ambition.

He had ambition enough to marry a woman with a 6 figure income. 

Way to go, that guy!

[Miss Tequila]

May 6, 2013 15:08:45 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

See, I beg to differ on the opinion that the blue collar guy in question lacks ambition.

He had ambition enough to marry a woman with a 6 figure income. 

Way to go, that guy!

LOL!! 

[Deleted]

I would never respect a man who stayed home and let his wife work...it's ok, I know not everyone believes that way but I do so my marriage wouldn't make it if my husband decided I needed to support his able-bodied ass.

I think that's a fine attitude to have as long as you pick a partner that feels the same way.  So for the OP I don't see a problem as long as both parties are ok with it and are realistic about that means for the future.

One of the problems I do see is that it's tough marrying into a family that doesn't think you are good enough.  My friend's parents feel like she married down and that their grandkids are suffering because of it.  That does not always make for smooth relations.

[thyme4change]

May 6, 2013 15:05:47 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

May 6, 2013 14:42:50 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I know do understand Thyme. I would want nothing but the best for my child. But too much interference may cause the child to dig in their heels even deeper. You just hope for (and passively encourage) a lengthy engagement so it buys your child some additional time to really get to know their intended.

My husband and I have been talking about this a lot.  My daughter has one friend who we are not overly fond of.  She probably isn't a bad seed or anything, but she is just obnoxious, and she is a little mean.  I'm thinking it will get worse as they approach puberty.  We are past the point of being able to discourage the friendship.  I told my hubby that we needed to change our attitude and embrace this gal - because they will either fall out on their own, or they will be best friends at high school graduation.  Making our feelings known will only work to push our daughter into a place where she won't talk to us.  

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 14:22:05 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Utterly unambitious doesn't mean either lazy OR stupid. It just means they are happy at a "lower station" in life.

Maybe he looks that way because he loves what he does.  

[Miss Tequila]

May 6, 2013 15:10:29 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

I would never respect a man who stayed home and let his wife work...it's ok, I know not everyone believes that way but I do so my marriage wouldn't make it if my husband decided I needed to support his able-bodied ass.

I think that's a fine attitude to have as long as you pick a partner that feels the same way.  So for the OP I don't see a problem as long as both parties are ok with it and are realistic about that means for the future.

One of the problems I do see is that it's tough marrying into a family that doesn't think you are good enough.  My friend's parents feel like she married down and that their grandkids are suffering because of it.  That does not always make for smooth relations.

That was my point...I can't change how I feel so I made sure to choose a spouse who felt the same.  Actually, when we got married (1994) it was almost unheard of for a man to stay home with the kids so it isn't something we ever actually discussed.  Considering my husband didn't want me cutting the grass when we first got married (what would the neighbor's think if his wife was doing a man's job!lol) I can say with certainty that he would never have wanted me to support him.

For the record, even though I was on track to be a high wage earner, my MIL always hated me.  So there are lots of reasons for inlaws to think you aren't good enough.  In my case, it was BECAUSE I was a career person and not the little mrs. who would sit home and make dinner. 

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 15:06:15 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

May 6, 2013 14:56:52 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

it's good to know that a person's worth is directly related to their career ambition and salary.

It isn't.  But I am old-fashioned enough to not have it in me to support a man.  Over time I would resent him...I work because it provides us a nice lifestyle.  I do not work because I am one of those "I can't imagine my life without a career"...I CAN imagine my life without my career but I cant' have the lifestyle we want AND a life without my career.  So if I'm sucking it up for the better of the family, my husband better damn well do it, too.

in some instances I can see where it might be beneficial to have someone stay at home.  Hell, if one of us had to be a SAHP, I'd rather it be DH!  He is WAY more patient than I am with DS, so he would be better off staying home with him than I would.  However, once the kid(s) get older and go to school, I don't see the point in having a SAHP.  But I was really referring to the question in the OP (about the DH making a lot less than the woman but still working FT).

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 15:13:36 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

For the record, even though I was on track to be a high wage earner, my MIL always hated me.  So there are lots of reasons for inlaws to think you aren't good enough.  In my case, it was BECAUSE I was a career person and not the little mrs. who would sit home and make dinner. 

So it is ok for you to break the gender stereo-type, but not your husband.

[Miss Tequila]

May 6, 2013 15:14:22 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

May 6, 2013 15:06:15 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

It isn't.  But I am old-fashioned enough to not have it in me to support a man.  Over time I would resent him...I work because it provides us a nice lifestyle.  I do not work because I am one of those "I can't imagine my life without a career"...I CAN imagine my life without my career but I cant' have the lifestyle we want AND a life without my career.  So if I'm sucking it up for the better of the family, my husband better damn well do it, too.

in some instances I can see where it might be beneficial to have someone stay at home.  Hell, if one of us had to be a SAHP, I'd rather it be DH!  He is WAY more patient than I am with DS, so he would be better off staying home with him than I would.  However, once the kid(s) get older and go to school, I don't see the point in having a SAHP.  But I was really referring to the question in the OP (about the DH making a lot less than the woman but still working FT).

And that is what would work for your family.  If one of us were to stay home with my kids, it sure as hell wouldn't be my husband!  ON the plus side, he would rather have a leg cut off then stay home changing diapers! 

[Miss Tequila]

May 6, 2013 15:15:09 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

May 6, 2013 15:13:36 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

For the record, even though I was on track to be a high wage earner, my MIL always hated me.  So there are lots of reasons for inlaws to think you aren't good enough.  In my case, it was BECAUSE I was a career person and not the little mrs. who would sit home and make dinner. 

So it is ok for you to break the gender stereo-type, but not your husband.

No, my husband could have done whatever he wanted...he just would have had to marry someone else.  I couldn't marry someone I didn't respect and allowing a woman to support him would make me lose all respect for him. 

If my dd wants to support a man, that is her choice. 

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 15:16:00 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

May 6, 2013 15:14:22 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

in some instances I can see where it might be beneficial to have someone stay at home.  Hell, if one of us had to be a SAHP, I'd rather it be DH!  He is WAY more patient than I am with DS, so he would be better off staying home with him than I would.  However, once the kid(s) get older and go to school, I don't see the point in having a SAHP.  But I was really referring to the question in the OP (about the DH making a lot less than the woman but still working FT).

And that is what would work for your family.  If one of us were to stay home with my kids, it sure as hell wouldn't be my husband!  ON the plus side, he would rather have a leg cut off then stay home changing diapers! 

You tryin to say that I'm the man or something?!?!?!

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 15:17:52 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

May 6, 2013 15:15:09 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

So it is ok for you to break the gender stereo-type, but not your husband.

No, my husband could have done whatever he wanted...he just would have had to marry someone else.  I couldn't marry someone I didn't respect and allowing a woman to support him would make me lose all respect for him. 

If my dd wants to support a man, that is her choice. 

which is exactly what I said.

[Bob Ross]

May 6, 2013 15:17:52 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

May 6, 2013 15:15:09 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

So it is ok for you to break the gender stereo-type, but not your husband.

No, my husband could have done whatever he wanted...he just would have had to marry someone else.  I couldn't marry someone I didn't respect and allowing a woman to support him would make me lose all respect for him. 

If my dd wants to support a man, that is her choice. 

Pfft.  It worked for K-Fed.  And I know you respect K-Fed.

[Miss Tequila]

May 6, 2013 15:21:19 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

May 6, 2013 15:17:52 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

No, my husband could have done whatever he wanted...he just would have had to marry someone else.  I couldn't marry someone I didn't respect and allowing a woman to support him would make me lose all respect for him. 

If my dd wants to support a man, that is her choice. 

which is exactly what I said.

That I can break through teh stereo-type but my husband can't?  Not true..>I don't control him.  If he wants to up and quit tomorrow, he is free to do so.  He just won't have my paycheck to lean on. 

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 15:23:31 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

May 6, 2013 15:21:19 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

which is exactly what I said.

That I can break through teh stereo-type but my husband can't?  Not true..>I don't control him.  If he wants to up and quit tomorrow, he is free to do so.  He just won't have my paycheck to lean on. 

Which is exactly what I said.  ; )