swasat
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Post by swasat on May 6, 2013 14:07:57 GMT -5
Would you be disappointed if your kid(s) marry someone far below your family's economic scale?
My next door neighbors are very unhappy with their DD's choice of life partner. DD is an IT professional, makes 6 figures. Her fiance is a car mechanic. Not the BMW kind. He works for a local Dodge dealers making about 45K. The guy is a nice fellow but utterly unambitious. Neighbors cannot find fault with the guy per se, they like him as a person but are quite disappointed that her marriage will have huge income discrepancy. For the record, neighbors are both high earning professionals, he is a professor at the local state school and she is a Marketing Director at a local hospital. Together they must be arounf 300-350K income range.
They are of the opinion that it would have been better if she chose someone at least at or above her income level.
Opinions?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 14:11:16 GMT -5
Even Lord Grantham gave his blessing to his daughter to marry the chauffeur.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 6, 2013 14:11:27 GMT -5
I would rather my child marry a nice low earner than a high income douchebag.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 6, 2013 14:13:30 GMT -5
If my daughter were to choose someone who wasn't ambitious and wasn't very intellectual, I suspect I would question the decision. When you get married in your 20's, or even your 30's, you have a long, long, long time to spend with someone. My preference would be to be with someone who was well matched intellectually and had the same drive as myself. I would think my children would want the same. Otherwise, I would worry that they wouldn't have common ground for long.
Or, at least that is what I would tell myself so I wouldn't feel like such a snobby asshole.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 6, 2013 14:14:33 GMT -5
maybe he is smart but he likes what he does? ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/idunno.gif)
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 6, 2013 14:17:06 GMT -5
My initial thought, too, swamp. It was this sentence that made me feel like the real problem is more of a work ethic, rather than a work choice:
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 6, 2013 14:18:03 GMT -5
If my daughter were to choose someone who wasn't ambitious and wasn't very intellectual, I suspect I would question the decision. When you get married in your 20's, or even your 30's, you have a long, long, long time to spend with someone. My preference would be to be with someone who was well matched intellectually and had the same drive as myself. I would think my children would want the same. Otherwise, I would worry that they wouldn't have common ground for long.
Or, at least that is what I would tell myself so I wouldn't feel like such a snobby asshole. Thats what the neighbor mom says. They are both in late 50s and she says she has seen too many marriages break because of the difference in the intellect of the people. There would be son-in-law is not dumb, but he is extremely laid back, to the point of he does not push himself even at his work. Their DD, OTOH has always been a go-getter. Neighbor is worried their 28 year old DD would shoulder the burden of the family alone as he is too laid back.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 6, 2013 14:19:18 GMT -5
My initial thought, too, swamp. It was this sentence that made me feel like the real problem is more of a work ethic, rather than a work choice: Yeah, I think I'd be bothered about the unambitious part, not the job. I have friends who are married to blue collar repair type guys and while they started out young working for someone not making a lot, they now own their own businesses and make bank.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on May 6, 2013 14:19:58 GMT -5
I'll bet the neighbors like him whenever they're having car troubles (besides, who the F cares what the neighbors think?). Also, I'd bet it would be perfectly ok if the guy was the high earner. DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT!! ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 6, 2013 14:19:57 GMT -5
Swamp, this is YM. You're an uambitious moocher if you don't rise to the top and make a gazillion dollars, preferably before your 30's. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) It'd depend. DH is not hugely career ambitious, he's just fine putting in his 40 and leaving. He works to live, not the other way around. If I was going to marry him solely on his career/salary prospects we never would have worked out. He brings a lot more intangible things to our marriage that I consider worth a lot more than his salary. Now that's not to say if he just wanted to be a minimum wage fry cook at Mcd's we wouldn't have a problem, we would. That's would be a rather extreme discrepenacy between us and not just when it comes to income. But I don't consider a $45k salary as a mechnic worth sneezing at. I must not hang out in the right social circles. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/idunno.gif)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 14:20:02 GMT -5
My wife's parents thought she was marrying down. Which was funny because our families were very similiar economically, but mine was more down to earn. Boy I proved them wrong.
When my wife insisted on going through with the marriage, her mom told her she would need to ask for money someday and her mom would not give her any. Thankfully we never have needed to test that threat.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on May 6, 2013 14:22:05 GMT -5
Utterly unambitious doesn't mean either lazy OR stupid. It just means they are happy at a "lower station" in life. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 6, 2013 14:22:24 GMT -5
A lot of people thought my husband was too laid back for me. He had dropped out of college, and was somewhat lost. Even after he went back to school, he picked a major that was the easiest "get" for him to complete. I found his easy-going nature calming and it made me a more calm person (and still does.) I think many people were surprised when he got his job, and then went back to law school. He wasn't enough of a "fighter" to be a good lawyer. (News flash - that isn't really what lawyers do.)
Who knows - maybe the guy is paying his dues and one day will open up a chain of service stations and be the greatest business owner in the city.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 6, 2013 14:23:23 GMT -5
Swamp, this is YM. You're an uambitious moocher if you don't rise to the top and make a gazillion dollars, preferably before your 30's. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) It'd depend. DH is not hugely career ambitious, he's just fine putting in his 40 and leaving. He works to live, not the other way around. If I was going to marry him solely on his career/salary prospects we never would have worked out. He brings a lot more intangible things to our marriage that I consider worth a lot more than his salary. Now that's not to say if he just wanted to be a minimum wage fry cook at Mcd's we wouldn't have a problem, we would. That's would be a rather extreme discrepenacy between us and not just when it comes to income. But I don't consider a $45k salary as a mechnic worth sneezing at. I must not hang out in the right social circles. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/idunno.gif) DQ, I think its the difference in perspectives. As I said, there household income is in 300-350K range. Their DD earns low 6 figure income. If you put yourself in their shoes then yes, 45K seems pretty low. The fiance is 32 years old.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on May 6, 2013 14:23:56 GMT -5
My wife's parents thought she was marrying down. Which was funny because our families were very similiar economically, but mine was more down to earn. Boy I proved them wrong. When my wife insisted on going through with the marriage, her mom told her she would need to ask for money someday and her mom would not give her any. Thankfully we never have needed to test that threat. You should hit up MIL for your sports car fund since *their* daughter is now out of work. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 14:28:09 GMT -5
I'd only see it as a problem if she wants to SAH or have the lifestyle her parents have.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 14:30:45 GMT -5
Given your description of the soon to be DH, I would not be disappointed. Being a mechanic is good honest work, they can't be outsourced, and they are really handy to be related to. Even the lack of ambition could be beneficial, if he is willing to take on more of the at home stuff, so she can chase her ambition.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 6, 2013 14:30:48 GMT -5
I'll bet the neighbors like him whenever they're having car troubles (besides, who the F cares what the neighbors think?). Also, I'd bet it would be perfectly ok if the guy was the high earner. DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT!! ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png) I totally agree with this. No one ever questions the man who makes 6 figures but marries the secretary and someone in a very low-paid profession. That said, I would have a REALLY hard time marrying someone who made significantly less than me. While I never want someone to support me, I sure as hell don't want to support someone else. I have a high-stress career (with hours to match) and I would get pissed off very quickly if I was married to a slacker who was not helping to get us to where we need to be financially. Also, since I believe in separate finances, it would be awkward when my hsuband couldn't afford to vacation with me ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 6, 2013 14:30:59 GMT -5
Could be. I know a lot of people who would rather have a bottom rung manager than a successful tradesman - even if the tradesman ran his own company and could buy and sell Mr. White-Collar ten times.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 6, 2013 14:31:32 GMT -5
There are stupid ambitious people out there too. I'd rather my daughter marry a $45k earner with a good head on his shoulders as opposed to a high earner that is going to crash/burn.
If he's dumb with his money and appears to be looking at her as a meal ticket that's one thing. If he's sensible with his money and just happens to make less than her it's not my business.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 6, 2013 14:33:59 GMT -5
Also, I'd bet it would be perfectly ok if the guy was the high earner. DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT!! ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png) I totally agree with this. No one ever questions the man who makes 6 figures but marries the secretary and someone in a very low-paid profession. I question it all the time. I don't have much respect for men who pick dumb, but pretty women, and I always bet their relationship won't be a life-time commitment. I have often questioned men who marry women who just seem to be "less" than they could. That said - it isn't their chosen profession (like a low-paid admin) but their attitude towards their profession that sets off warning bells.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 14:34:24 GMT -5
I can't imagine that I'll think any man or woman will be good enough to marry my girls.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 6, 2013 14:34:37 GMT -5
Eh.
My DH isn't really ambitious. He never worked in college, except for the last semester. He didn't really look all that hard for jobs after he graduated. For a while, I was finding him all of his jobs. And, his first job out of college paid a whopping $7/hour. Now me, if I didn't have a job lined up 4 months ahead of when I needed it, well, I'd swear that we were doomed to poverty.
My DH is a kick-ass dad, if I do say so myself. And, while he's doing traditional "women's" work, he's still saves us roughly 2K/month in childcare costs. Plus he takes care of the laundry, the outside jobs, does the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. I can imagine we could easily spend 3K/month more if DH worked a professional job.
My DH also brought a sizable amount of assets to our marriage. So, while he isn't driven to bring home the bacon like I am, I did know he was a saver. He had complete access to his taxable account at 18. The only time he's touched it beyond college is when we used a bit for a down payment on our current house. We have no intentions to touch that money for at least another 20 years. IMVHO, that shows some pretty good restraint.
My parents were very concerned that my DH was using me. I figured the next time they brought it up, I'd simply ask them if they felt my mom was using my dad, since she was the SAHP.
DH and I do not measure our success/worth by the size of our paycheck. Never have, and never will. But, we are good people. IMVHO, that's what matters.
Oh, and DH and I are completely polar opposites on everything except the biggies (religion, money, and parenting style).
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 6, 2013 14:35:27 GMT -5
Could be. I know a lot of people who would rather have a bottom rung manager than a successful tradesman - even if the tradesman ran his own company and could buy and sell Mr. White-Collar ten times. While DH is a professional, he comes from good blue collar stock and can fix just about everything. I'll take the blue collar handy guy over the lower level white collar guy any day.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on May 6, 2013 14:37:10 GMT -5
I can't imagine that I'll think any man or woman will be good enough to marry my girls. Sure you will. After they wear you down with bad musicians, outlaw bikers, and extreme-sports wannabees, you'll welcome the first Dilbert who walks through the door. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 6, 2013 14:38:13 GMT -5
With the exception of the child meeting their fiancé/fiancée through PrisonPenPals.com, I would suggest the parents stay out of it once they have made their opinion known.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on May 6, 2013 14:40:03 GMT -5
I can't imagine that I'll think any man or woman will be good enough to marry my girls. Sure you will. After they wear you down with bad musicians, outlaw bikers, and extreme-sports wannabees, you'll welcome the first Dilbert who walks through the door. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) Soooooooooo much this! ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 14:40:15 GMT -5
I can't imagine that I'll think any man or woman will be good enough to marry my girls. Father talking, I gather. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2013 14:41:14 GMT -5
I can't imagine that I'll think any man or woman will be good enough to marry my girls. Sure you will. After they wear you down with bad musicians, outlaw bikers, and extreme-sports wannabees, you'll welcome the first Dilbert who walks through the door. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 6, 2013 14:42:50 GMT -5
Tenn - we all know you are right, but I totally understand how parents have a hard time sitting by and biting their tongue, while watching their daughter make what they feel is a huge mistake. Marriage is a big deal - the guy will soon be the co-owner of their daughter's life. Their money, their time, their future - all of that is now in shared control. If you feel like the person that will be sharing control will bring more heartache than help - you have to do a lot of yoga to keep from speaking your mind.
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