GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Apr 4, 2013 9:32:04 GMT -5
There are "Seasons" of Life. Once we accept that, we can move on. There is nothing wrong with grieving for a period of time. But with your kids, you have to take a step back and be glad that they can fly on their own. I think it will be difficult when my kids leave home too. Just the thought that this part of life is over and never again is something to adjust too.Shooby, your post and the lines I bolded resonated with me the most. God, I LOVE my kids and they have been the focus of my life for the past 17 years. I even gave up a potentially-lucrative professional career to stay home with them. But, as sad as I will be to see them fly the nest, and I get sad thinking about it now with 3 years to go and WILL be sad when it happens, I comfort myself with the fact that the BEST parents raise kids who go on to live full, rich, INDEPENDENT lives. I want to be one of the very best parents. There is so much I have delayed/passed on/dreamed of that I want to do before I leave this rock. I've been compiling a mental "to do" list for years in my head. I can't wait to start scratching things off that list. Could I do those things while the kids are at home? Theoretically, yes. But, money was a huge obstacle for us and so even if the logistics/desire were there, the funds weren't. I'm looking forward to greatly reduced grocery bills as the means to fund my future adventures. The kids are also doing their job as teenagers grooming us to let them fly. ODS is easy and the transition will be smooth and *he'll* keep the communication flowing as needed. YDS is pushing away harder and at a younger age. But, he's had to rely on me far more than most kids because of his life-threatening food allergies since the age of 18 months. For years, I was the one who read ingredients, asked questions, cooked/baked substitutes for him for parties/events, etc. to keep him alive. So now, he's doing what he needs to do so that I will do what I need to do (i.e., let go). It's all good. Oh, and I did a lot of this "AP" stuff, but not with any conscious intention or labels. I just responded to my kids' needs and found that when I did, they were happier and more relaxed. But, the breastfeeding stopped at 2 because YDS was just using me as a "snack on demand" machine, LOL.
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Apr 4, 2013 9:42:29 GMT -5
Thank god I DS is 15 because I couldn't be a mom to a baby in 2013. I don't know what half the terms you ladies are throwing around are. "Wear" a toddler? I kept assuming you were forgetting to at the "out" as in "wear out a toddler" like let him run around at the park after dinner. Co-sleeping, AP, etc.
Listen- when the Boy was a baby we brought him home from the hospital in a carseat. When it was nap time we put him in a crib. At bed time we put him in a crib. When he got to heavy to carry that carseat thing around we put him in a stroller. When he had a lot of energy we took him to a park to run around. He went to bed at a normal time, slept through the night, no muss no fuss.
I am positive that you all are doing whatever parenting style is right for your particular kids and are all amazing mothers. But a big part of me thinks that sometimes people spend way too much time over thinking things.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,069
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2013 9:50:27 GMT -5
But a big part of me thinks that sometimes people spend way too much time over thinking things.
But but if I don't overthink things then how can I judge other moms and determine I am better than them? Joking aside my grandmother was very amused when I was talking about how now it's popular to start baby's off on regular food mashed up rather than start with cereal then baby food purees etc. It falls under "baby led weaning" I believe title wise. She said that's just what they did when my dad was a baby. They didn't need a fancy title for it.
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Apr 4, 2013 10:00:51 GMT -5
we don't need no stinking fancy titles That is interesting that with all the technological advancements and things in life that some new methods are really just recycled methods from 50 years ago.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,069
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2013 10:02:03 GMT -5
some new methods are really just recycled methods from 50 years ago. But if I slap a new age yuppie title on it I can make millions off it!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 2:47:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2013 10:03:03 GMT -5
There's only so many ways you can get food into a child, get clothes on a child, or love a child.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Apr 4, 2013 10:06:14 GMT -5
Thank god I DS is 15 because I couldn't be a mom to a baby in 2013. I don't know what half the terms you ladies are throwing around are. "Wear" a toddler? I kept assuming you were forgetting to at the "out" as in "wear out a toddler" like let him run around at the park after dinner. Co-sleeping, AP, etc. Listen- when the Boy was a baby we brought him home from the hospital in a carseat. When it was nap time we put him in a crib. At bed time we put him in a crib. When he got to heavy to carry that carseat thing around we put him in a stroller. When he had a lot of energy we took him to a park to run around. He went to bed at a normal time, slept through the night, no muss no fuss. I am positive that you all are doing whatever parenting style is right for your particular kids and are all amazing mothers. But a big part of me thinks that sometimes people spend way too much time over thinking things. I explained once how I put my kids on a night time schedule where they didn't get fed every time they wanted throughout the night. They could eat as often as they wanted during the "day" but at night the kitchen was closed. I think within a couple of weeks they both switched to sleeping through the night and not sleeping long stretches during the day. From the responses I got you would think I had said I hung them upside down from the ceiling and beat them with rubber hoses.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,069
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2013 10:07:29 GMT -5
There's only so many ways you can get food into a child, get clothes on a child, or love a child.
But there are so many ways to market it and take advantage of people.
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on Apr 4, 2013 10:10:38 GMT -5
Thank god I DS is 15 because I couldn't be a mom to a baby in 2013. I don't know what half the terms you ladies are throwing around are. "Wear" a toddler? I kept assuming you were forgetting to at the "out" as in "wear out a toddler" like let him run around at the park after dinner. Co-sleeping, AP, etc. Listen- when the Boy was a baby we brought him home from the hospital in a carseat. When it was nap time we put him in a crib. At bed time we put him in a crib. When he got to heavy to carry that carseat thing around we put him in a stroller. When he had a lot of energy we took him to a park to run around. He went to bed at a normal time, slept through the night, no muss no fuss. I am positive that you all are doing whatever parenting style is right for your particular kids and are all amazing mothers. But a big part of me thinks that sometimes people spend way too much time over thinking things. I explained once how I put my kids on a night time schedule where they didn't get fed every time they wanted throughout the night. They could eat as often as they wanted during the "day" but at night the kitchen was closed. I think within a couple of weeks they both switched to sleeping through the night and not sleeping long stretches during the day. From the responses I got you would think I had said I hung them upside down from the ceiling and beat them with rubber hoses. My kids are much younger than both of yours and I fall squarely in your category. I did exactly what you did 973Beach and never had any issues. We are big on routines and thats how its always been. Its easier on the family when my kids know what to expect. So yeah, there are still people like me in this world who still follow old patterns and whose kids still thrive without all the AP stuff. I also use the word "No" a lot and at times I have yelled at my kids too. So far they seem completely unbroken and completely normal to me. Flame away.........
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 2:47:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2013 10:14:08 GMT -5
what I don't like is that some of these parenting labels allow for a quiet assumption that if you don't do this, you don't love your kid. Like "attachment parenting".... does not doing it mean that you are unattached to your child? Is "abandonment parenting" the opposite or something?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 2:47:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2013 10:15:30 GMT -5
mine stopped needing night feedings around 3-4 months. Boy oh boy I got flamed for that!
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,069
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2013 10:20:21 GMT -5
Is "abandonment parenting" the opposite or something?
I do believe the correct term is "Free range parenting". I wish I was making that up.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,996
|
Post by raeoflyte on Apr 4, 2013 10:20:53 GMT -5
AP doesn't mean you don't set limits and never say no. And FWIW, my 95 year old grandmother "co-slept" with her kids and shockingly they turned out to be productive members of society too. I hate reading posts that are dripping with disdain because I use the term AP. I do what works for me, and encourage everyone else to do the same.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,996
|
Post by raeoflyte on Apr 4, 2013 10:29:24 GMT -5
Is "abandonment parenting" the opposite or something?
I do believe the correct term is "Free range parenting". I wish I was making that up. That's funny- I think ap goes entirely with "free range". We set ds free to do his own thing unsupervised even now and intend to let him hop on his bike and ride the neighborhood without GPS tracking in a few years. But seriously why focus so much on the term? We have friends who parent the complete opposite of us and we hold perfectly civil and normal conversations with each other. If we are having issues, we ask for ideas, sometimes take them, other times keep searching and vice versa. Honestly nature is stronger than nurture, so whether you breast feed to 3 and cosleep or put them in a crib down the hall and leave them a bottle of formula, the kid is going to grow up to be the same person he/she is meant to.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Apr 4, 2013 10:29:28 GMT -5
No flames from me Swasat although I am actually not the biggest schedule person. I am just a sleep person. So for my totally selfish reasons my kids were "made" to sleep through the night instead of during the day so I didnt become a crazy person from lack of sleep. I got to sleep 5-6 hours in a row at night and they got a mother who wasn't a raving lunatic from being up night after night with no end in sight. I considered it a win-win.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 4, 2013 10:30:10 GMT -5
I "wear" my kid often because it's easier to walk the dog with her on my back and happily looking around then trying to steer a stroller with her leaning one way and the dog pulling to poop in the other direction - stopping to pick up the poop - lock the stroller wheels, hope my kid doesn't decide to lean to the side, etc.
Wearing her - I just put her back there and forget about it lol.
Also, baby "wearing" enables me to go about my business doing things I like. My H and I love to hike. We can't do long mileage with her just walking by herself. I put her in the backpack carrier and we go up to 5-6 miles (with breaks) in a day. Also it's good butt exercise for me (still not down to pre-baby weight).
I don't really care what other people do - but many cultures do baby wearing - not just middle-upper class white mammas. If you've been to south america - every woman has a baby wrapped in a cloth around their back while they go do their chores and work. Since our culture has eliminated the "village raising" methodology to child rearing, you've got to do something with the kid so you can get your mundane tasks done.
My kid is getting pretty old though - she's happy to sit and play with blocks or toys or books for 10-20 minutes by herself so I can get some laundry done.
And regarding feeding - somehow we've forgotten what breasts are actually for. Now, not everyone can breast feed, and that's fine. But the backlash against women breastfeeding a baby with teeth (THE HORROR!) or even a small toddler is rather crazy. Many cultures breastfeed their young til 3 or even 4 years old. So it's not that strange. However, I am personally in the process of weaning my 1.5 year old but it's hard - I have to admit.
Ok, this was long and rambling. sorry.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 2:47:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2013 10:35:44 GMT -5
I have mixed feelings on attachment parenting. While I employed certain practices and found them helpful at the time like cosleeping, baby wearing, and breastfeeding, there are some undercurrents to the movement that make me uncomfortable. For one I don't like how the philosophy treats attachment like it's such a fragile thing - that if you don't do things right from day one, hold your baby as soon it's born, have a c-section, even put a hat on the baby, then your attachment to your child and vice-versa will be harmed.
Another thing is when mothers use it to block parenting by fathers and to judge other women. That makes it feel anti-feminist to me. The intensity of the interaction, the lack of personal time, seems to exclude working and potentially damage the parents relationship.
I've also found that some of my friends have used the philosophy to avoid doing some of the hard parts of parenting: teaching a child to comfort and regulate themselves, teaching a child how to soothe themselves to sleep, giving them discipline by saying no, etc.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,069
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2013 10:41:09 GMT -5
But the backlash against women breastfeeding a baby with teeth Gwen started getting teeth in at 4 months, that's way too early to be weaning. I decided it was time to stop when her molars came in at around 12-18 months. She started chewing on me and I can't begin to describe the pain I was in when she'd do that. Like anything else when you decide enough is enough then that's you're call. As I told DH unless other people are volunteering to be my wet nurse they need to STFU.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 4, 2013 10:44:48 GMT -5
Whenever someone bring "other cultures" into conversation, I wonder if they forget that those other cultures tend to do things out of necessity and not due to ideological reasons.
If lived in a village where there was no food, there is a good chance, I would BF my kid until he is 3, so he would get something to eat.
Same with carrying your child - if I had to work out in the field, there is less than zero chance that I would be bringing a stroller with me.
I shared room with my parents until I was about 10-11? I think. Well, not bc my parents couldn't part with me, but bc there was simply no other room. Again, necessity and nothing more.
And I noticed that women who are practicing certain types of "labeled" parenting are a lot more judgmental. A LOT!
They call themselves "baby advocates" and talk about how it's their mission to bring information and knowledge to the rest of the world. Yep, bc evidently until Dr Sears came into existence all children from the beginning of times were doomed.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,996
|
Post by raeoflyte on Apr 4, 2013 10:44:48 GMT -5
Honey-that is exactly how we feel. Every parenting book I pick up pisses me off in some way or another. Dr. Sears obviously pushes sahms, but admits that wasn't an option for them in the beginning. The healthy sleep book that is so popular had me fretting that I was giving my son add because I couldn't make him sleep for 12 hours straight, and forget love and logic. I give ds 2 options and picks 3 & 4. I get why people are passionate about parenting, because in the end not messing up my kids (much) is my ultimate goal. But there are a lot of roads to get to the same place.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 4, 2013 10:46:08 GMT -5
But the backlash against women breastfeeding a baby with teeth Gwen started getting teeth in at 4 months, that's way too early to be weaning. I decided it was time to stop when her molars came in at around 12-18 months. She started chewing on me and I can't begin to describe the pain I was in when she'd do that. Like anything else when you decide enough is enough then that's you're call. As I told DH unless other people are volunteering to be my wet nurse they need to STFU. I've noticed most of the backlash is from people who've never pushed a watermelon our of their vajayajay so I really don't worry about it too much. However, things like that TIME article with the kid standing and breastfeeding - it was horrible what some people were saying. That it was sexual abuse, etc. I mean, my kid can stand and has teeth and she's still a baby!
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,069
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2013 10:50:08 GMT -5
Well to be fair to people who were shocked that photo was designed to spark exactly the reaction it got. I don't know about you but I never had Gwen stand up on a chair to breastfeed. If it had shown them sitting down and cuddling it probably still would have experienced backlash but maybe not as bad. I have nothing against extended breastfeeding but even I was taken aback by the Times cover.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,996
|
Post by raeoflyte on Apr 4, 2013 10:52:00 GMT -5
[quote author=" whoisjohngalt" source="/post/1562226/thread" timestamp="1365090288" And I noticed that women who are practicing certain types of "labeled" parenting are a lot more judgmental. A LOT! They call themselves "baby advocates" and talk about how it's their mission to bring information and knowledge to the rest of the world. Yep, bc evidently until Dr Sears came into existence all children from the beginning of times were doomed. [/quote] I would say the problem is the judgmental jerk, not the parenting style. That personality type proclaims their beliefs as if they are the word of god, regardless if you're talking about parenting or fad diets.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 2:47:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Are Dads ever too attached to their kids?
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 4, 2013 10:55:01 GMT -5
Rae, somehow I've been running into a lot of them lately. it's a good thing I am not a sensitive type. One woman pretty much told me that I am "keeping my child in a cage" every time I used a stroller. I told her that since she seems to be so concern about my child, she is free to carry him around for me anywhere I go. Since both, my 20 mo old and my 3 yr old are the same weight - 31lbs - it will give her a nice balance for her front and her back. For some reason she hasn't talked to me since
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Apr 4, 2013 10:59:49 GMT -5
I'd rather keep my kid in a cage than have him get smushed by a car. Yeah, I know I'm abad mommy because I didn't have absolute control over my kids at all times.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,069
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2013 11:00:50 GMT -5
One woman pretty much told me that I am "keeping my child in a cage" every time I used a stroller
"You're right, next time I'll use the retractable leash". I had a family member start quzzing me about what potty training method I was going to use. I said whack her with a newspaper and then rub her nose it, that's what worked for the dog. Look on face was priceless!
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,996
|
Post by raeoflyte on Apr 4, 2013 11:02:58 GMT -5
That would make me bonkers Lena, and I'm sure you handled it better than I would. I don't know if I'm lucky or if I'm oblivious, but even talking with people who are complete opposites from us we just don't run into that much.
I've gotten a handful of comments about how gross/wrong long term bf'ing is, and I just laugh and then tell them how long ds nursed and why it worked for us.
Dh and I talk about other parents techniques and if we think it works for the kid or not, but I think as involved caring parents we need to work to support each others choices instead of attack them. I wont ever say that I would never let a baby CIO to sleep, I just haven't chosen that yet.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 4, 2013 11:03:59 GMT -5
The ironic thing is my kids, especially my oldest 2 spend very little time in strollers. I was too cheap to start buying double strollers, so I evicted each kid when I need stroller for the next kid. My youngest is the laziest so far, since I don't need to evict him.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,133
|
Post by giramomma on Apr 4, 2013 11:04:19 GMT -5
I have mixed feelings on attachment parenting. While I employed certain practices and found them helpful at the time like cosleeping, baby wearing, and breastfeeding, there are some undercurrents to the movement that make me uncomfortable. For one I don't like how the philosophy treats attachment like it's such a fragile thing - that if you don't do things right from day one, hold your baby as soon it's born, have a c-section, even put a hat on the baby, then your attachment to your child and vice-versa will be harmed. Another thing is when mothers use it to block parenting by fathers and to judge other women. That makes it feel anti-feminist to me. The intensity of the interaction, the lack of personal time, seems to exclude working and potentially damage the parents relationship. I've also found that some of my friends have used the philosophy to avoid doing some of the hard parts of parenting: teaching a child to comfort and regulate themselves, teaching a child how to soothe themselves to sleep, giving them discipline by saying no, etc. I was thinking more of this, but anyone can take any philosophy and misuse it. It just isn't in parenting. One of the methods I use to teach can get misused and cause problems down the road. But, that doesn't meant that I shouldn't teach using the method, or walk around and proclaim that the method is crap because some other teachers misuse or misunderstand the method. And, we do discipline our kids. A lot. We only reserve "No" for truly dangerous situations. But, rather than say "No, because I said so." We choose to frame everything in levels of appropriateness. For me personally, it's more important for my kids to get why certain behaviors are appropriate or aren't appropriate. I also think a framework of appropriateness extends better to undesirable teenaged behavior. I mean, I figure I've got a better shot of my kids listening if I say "Here's why driving drunk isn't appropriate." Rather than telling them "No, you will not drink." That doesn't mean there won't be consequences for my kids if they chose to drive drunk. I've already started talking to my 9 yo about serious issues like that in teachable moments. He knows his ass will be handed to him on a platter after it's been figuratively kicked around the block a few times. He understands that there is simply no excuse for some undesirable behavior. I dunno. I was raised in a home where it was fear based parenting authoritative parenting. You do what you are told to do or you get smacked/yelled at/raged at, what have you. I made choices to avoid getting smacked and yelled at from my parents. I don't think this sort of decision making process served me well as a young adult though. We find that catching our kids doing something well and saying "hey, I noticed you did abc and did a good job with it" Goes a lot further than getting stuck in negative feedback loops with our kids. And, I again, growing up, though I was a "good kid" (honors role, no sex, drugs, drinking in HS) , pretty much the only feedback I got was how I constantly never measured up or how the things I did weren't good enough. I just want to make different choices than my parents made. And, so far, it's working. My oldest is not afraid to talk to us about things. It also just happens that parts of the AP lifestyle really work well for us, given the parenting choices we make. It wasn't like we were out shopping for a parenting style label. I didn't realize that my last kid is a "high needs" kid until I googled the term a few weeks ago. I just say she's not like my others...
|
|