wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Apr 7, 2013 14:35:10 GMT -5
Just up and quitting probably wasn't the best idea. On the other hand I don't think there was an agreement that she would stay home and Dark has been unhappy about carrying the whole financial burden. I think that's different than those of you who agreed one parent would stay home or work PT.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Apr 7, 2013 14:55:11 GMT -5
...I can see that, wvugirl... what grates on my nerves (fwiw) is the countless posts where people mention murder, dismemberment, or divorce in response to job loss... had Dark come home from a surprise lay off or firing, the family would be in the same position... and Dark would deserve to be just as dead?
...sorry... I call baloney on that...
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Apr 7, 2013 16:07:39 GMT -5
But telling someone "no" on what they feel they must absolutely do is imposing your will on them to a degree that degrades their person if that is allowed or expected. And yet that is somehow superior to them making their own decision in the situation? That makes no sense to me whatsoever. ...me, neither... ...it's okay to quit your marriage because your spouse quit their job? ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/crazy.gif)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2013 16:28:45 GMT -5
I don't know . . . I told my ex unilaterally "no" on several occasions. - "No, you and the kids cannot keep the rabbit that you thoughtlessly bought on an afternoon outing."
- "No, you cannot buy a horse just because you and your dad were at an auction, and he decided he liked a second horse better and told you to buy the first one."
- "No, you can't quit the Becker course your company is paying big bucks for and that we will have to repay just because you discovered it is hard work."
He ended up getting the CPA certification in two tries because I said, "No." But none of this was imposing my "will." I'm actually not a bossy person, just a practical one. I probably didn't even use the word "no," but that was the intent. So while I wouldn't "kill" or divorce a husband for doing something like Dark did, I would be upset. That wouldn't be something that I could easily "fix." And I would be terrified of how we would be able to survive. Loop and Dark think they have enough savings to survive. Only they know that. I know that there was a huge discrepancy between my ex's salary ($100,000+) and mine ($18,000 then). We managed to spend it all. We could have cut back, but how much? It wouldn't have been enough, trust me. I pictured Loop and Dark's salaries similarly, but I am obviously wrong. And as I said earlier, I "halfway" admire Dark. Young people achieve a lot because they aren't scared of taking a chance like some of us are. They feel invincible. He'll bounce back and maybe bounce higher.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2013 16:38:44 GMT -5
For me it's time dependent. When DH left his job because he couldn't stand it and they were about to let him go I was pretty understanding. A few months into the job search I thought it was time to lower his sights. I asked him to the dishes for the first time in years (because I'm a SAHM) and he had a job offer by the afternoon. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) If Dark takes a long time to find a job/income then I'm sure both their feelings will change. OTOH I'm glad he waited because the job DH got was his dream job and he loves it. As a SAHP/S it's tricky when your spouse hates their job. For one it's not much fun to live with someone who's miserable. The whole family is reliant on the income but at the same time it also feels like the worker bee should have more say because it's the job they have to go to. I love staying at home with DS but it kind of sucks to be having a blast with him when my spouse can't stand his day.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 7, 2013 16:38:54 GMT -5
I suppose its possible that Loop knew this day was coming for a very long time, and she had already made peace with that. Remember the "Mondays can kiss my ass" thread? At that point they were pretty confident that Dark would either lose his job immediately, or take a 20% pay cut. I'm sure they already knew that the company had a lousy reputation and it was inevitable. Maybe she knew they just had to enjoy what they had while they had it.
I agree that one person saying "I quit, deal with it" is just as imposing as the other saying "don't you dare quit, deal with it". Suck it up just looks better (especially when applied to breadwinner fathers) because "thats what someone with a family and kids does". If we are going to be redefining these roles, then the compassion as well as the condemnation need to be spread around more equally.
IIRC, the $40k wasn't so much an EF as it was investments that could be liquidated.
Some of the more successful posters here have said that layoffs ended up being the best things that happened to them. I know this isn't a layoff, but who knows. He's already gotten an offer from SVT!
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Apr 7, 2013 16:40:30 GMT -5
I'm not saying my DH would leave me if I quit, I'm not saying I would leave him if he decided he hated being a SAHD. However, I have a hard time with this,
Those forces weren't there one day, and there the next.
But then I have walked off a job before when I was 20. It was a good learning experience, I learned where my "work B.S" level was. I can say 7 years later when I was working another job and I felt that beginning to climb again, I knew I need to get out. We talked about it together, we had plan A- I look for another job that was equal but in a differnt field and plan B, I look for another job in another field and if I couldn't find one equal then DH would look for a part time job, which would mean I would also need to take on some of the duties at home. But the key point was that I was getting to unhappy in the job I had, and something need to change. We would decide on that change together. Lucky for us plan A worked out, also allowed me to go back for my Masters which up the pay rate to more then I would have been making at my old job anyways.
DH doesn't expect me to stay and do something I hate. He does expect me to bring it up and talk to him before I hit a level of no-return. We have also had many conversations about what he wants and needs. We actually talk about our roles and how we feel about them several times a year. I have to say I prefer DH as a SAHD, but if he ever says he is unhappy in the role then we will figure out a way for him to work. That may mean part of his pay has to go to paying for a maid once a week, as well as daycare.
But over all, Dark and Loopy are okay with what happened, they do have a plan even if it may have been tossed together in the 11th hour, and it doesn't seem like their family will be devastated by this.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 7, 2013 16:43:04 GMT -5
I also found the posts on violence to be absurd, even in the context of supposedly being "amusing" or whatever the purpose was. Honestly I don't know what it was suppose to be as I don't find it amusing in the least. If you accept someone as being who they are, and doing the best that they can in life, and in a stressful situation made a command decisions to quit their job - they should come home to emotional support and mutual problem solving - not yelling and domestic abuse. For those who say - "My partner had better never pull this stunt", what is the other side of that coin? That as a mature person doing the best you can in life, deciding you have been backed into a corner by forces you can't control and you decide you need to quit immediately and your other half says "No, not today. You need to have X, Y, and Z in place before you do that" - how the hell is that any different? How is that being "mutual' and "partners" more than rolling with an impulsive action your spouse took that may or may not have been the best decision in the moment. In my opinion - if someone reaches a breaking point - and pulls the trigger - that needs to be dealt with as a couple.But telling someone "no" on what they feel they must absolutely do is imposing your will on them to a degree that degrades their person if that is allowed or expected. And yet that is somehow superior to them making their own decision in the situation? That makes no sense to me whatsoever. First bolded statement. I like to know who I am married to. I like to know that the person who I trust the most is not going to leave me blindsided with a major life change without so much as mentioning to me first. So, to me, it's better to be by myself than to be with someone who I can't trust. And yes, I accept my DH the way he is, but if he did "pull this kind of stunt" - he would not be the person that I thought he was in a BIG way and that changes everything. Second bold statement - that's whole point, isn't it - they DIDN'T deal with it as a couple. HE dealt with something on his own and then expected both of them to clean up the mess. I am only speaking for myself, but I don't know if I could forgive that.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2013 17:21:24 GMT -5
For ME, when I imagine myself being in a good marriage, I wouldn't want my spouse to stay at a job that made him miserable. I would want us to figure out what WE could do to get him out of a miserable work situation. I would hope that my husband would do the same for me if the roles were reversed. Yes, I'd be upset if my husband suddenly quit his job out of the blue. But if he'd been saying for a few years how absolutely miserable he was with his work and all I'd ever done was pat him on the ass and send him off to work every day, how mad could I really be? I'm not married, but I think I'd rather try to help take some of the pressure off my husband so he wouldn't feel trapped doing something every. single. day. that he hates, than just let him be miserable as long as he was bringing home the bacon. Isn't that one of the benefits of having a partner, having someone to help you when you need it?
I know that Dark has been telling us for a long time how dissatisfied he was with his job. I don't know what kind of conversations he and Loop had about it, and it doesn't matter. I was just rambling about me and my imaginary marriage lol.
Regardless of how I'd feel if I were the wife in the situation, the person whose opinion really matters seems to want to just move forward and that's what counts. He's not my husband, it's not my life. All I can do is hope it all works out for them and wait for Dark to tell us what exciting things he has going on and how well everything is going for him and his family.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 7, 2013 17:29:19 GMT -5
Dark, we'd love to hear you weigh in on what degree you discussed this scenario with Loop prior to it taking place. It would definitely settle some interesting speculation.
I thought of another way to look at this. I've always done the cooking, as I'm good at it and (usually enjoy it). We never agreed it would be that way, it just sort of happened and stuck. We eat very well as a result. But I have told her I want her to take over every so often and haven't really seen the results I want. I'm obviously frustrated with it, but keep at it. One day, eating well won't be worth the work and I just won't do it. I'd be pretty annoyed at DW if eating well was only important when she didn't have to do the work. I may be willing to have cereal or eggs most nights if it means I do less work.
We don't as of yet know what frustration Dark has expressed, and/or whether or not Loop picked up on it, much less acknowledged it.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 7, 2013 18:06:42 GMT -5
I came home one day to find out that Dh had been fired. Really, really bad fired. I wasn't happy about it, but he knew he messed up and was willing to do anything I asked at that point. I figure you get one proverbial get out of jail free card, and he used his early on.
It seems like dark has quite a few opportunities so I think things will work out sooner rather than later.
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Post by Opti on Apr 7, 2013 19:39:07 GMT -5
But telling someone "no" on what they feel they must absolutely do is imposing your will on them to a degree that degrades their person if that is allowed or expected. And yet that is somehow superior to them making their own decision in the situation? That makes no sense to me whatsoever. ...me, neither... ...it's okay to quit your marriage because your spouse quit their job? ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/crazy.gif) Welcome to YM where divorce for some reason is a very talked about "solution". I don't know if it is Good Houskeeping or another magazine, but it has a section called "Can This Marriage Be Saved?". I think besides the Phil button, perhaps we need something for one of the other underlying themes for YM: You or Your Spouse suck, you should get divorced. Virgil can add in reasons and it will randomly display 10 of them each time the button is clicked.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2013 19:43:08 GMT -5
I have been on the other side, married to someone that hated their job.
My wife would come home crying, miserable, not wanting to go to work and actually dreading it.
And I 've told her many times: Just Quit! We would come up with plans, look up for jobs together but I would not be pissed if she just up and quit. Heck many times I was the want cheering her up and telling her to just walk in there and tell her boss to just suck it.
I don't think anyone would want their spouse to stay at a job that is just sucking the life out of them literally. My wife is a happier person when she has a job she likes/loves and is happy at.
Yes your job is not everything but most folks spend 40-50 hours there. It is more time than you spend with your families so it would suck if you were totally miserable the whole time you were there.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 7, 2013 20:32:12 GMT -5
...:::"I don't know if it is Good Houskeeping or another magazine, but it has a section called "Can This Marriage Be Saved?".":::...
I always liked reading those when MSN linked to them. It did seem like both sides got a chance to express their feelings equally. The counselor's recommendations were usually reasonably balanced; though it was always satisfying when one person who was clearly causing the problem got taken to school.
Suppose Dark comes on here and says that since the new company took over, he's told Loop he wants out weekly? I'm betting nonsense like denying vacation he had booked weeks in advance was common and those are the sorts of things that make employees feel vengeful.
A miserable spouse is NOT fun. My DW does like her work and colleagues, but sometimes brings her stress home with her. It is frustrating when I've planned a nice surprise or gotten her something, and I get maybe 1/4 the enthusiasm I deserved due to something she can't stop thinking about. I realize that will happen with almost any job at some point, but if it is a common occurrence then (unless you are making the big bucks) something has to change.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Apr 7, 2013 21:20:27 GMT -5
I believe "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" is from Ladies Home Journal. I like reading it too. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/nerdy.png)
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Apr 8, 2013 16:52:27 GMT -5
My DH had a job once that he hated. Like getting ulcers, calling in sick about once a week, dreaded it. He didn't just quit one day and tell me about it. He stopped buying crap and paid off his credit cards (took 3 months) and we spent 3 months planning on quitting our jobs and moving back to MA (we lived in CO at the time). No, he didn't have a job lined up but I did. And we saved up cash to be able to put first and security down on an apartment. We spent 9 months eating ramen but it was a conscious choice - not something I felt forced into bvecause DH snapped one day.
For me, it's just the lack of planning I don't get. Dark's had a shitty job for a long time. If he had a conversation when Loop went back to work and said, I hate my job, let's spend a few months cutting expenses and find a business idea and I'll quit my job on X date, I think that's great. Not that you have to work at a soul sucking job. You just have to actually plan - not wait until the day your snap and quit.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2013 20:31:56 GMT -5
Maybe he did plan and walk in one day and realized no amount of money will make it worth staying there one more day and said "Fuck it".
They have no credit card debt, 40k in the bank and he has good skills and a security clearance. I doubt they will be eating ramen noodles not there is something wrong with that because we still eat it, that with rice and beans or Mac and cheese.
Anyway, he is not forcing Loop into anything: there is money in the bank and the bills will get paid; for now.
Maybe he realized that unless he did something drastic 10 years from now he will still be chained to that desk. Or felt it was now or never or reach or it was the proverbial "straw that broke the Camel's back"
Either way: dwelling on what he could have done, should have done or would have done is not going to help him right now.
Is it something I would do? No even if in the past I encouraged my wife to do it and was supportive of it. But I am also not in a position where I truly hate my job and my bosses are driving me nuts.
I might react, think differently or change my views if I were put in that situation. I lived with my wife being absolutely miserable, not sleeping, stressing and losing her hair. And my answer today would have been the same it was 2 years ago: just quit!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2013 23:01:55 GMT -5
I know Dark's secret....
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Apr 8, 2013 23:22:35 GMT -5
After going through what felt like hell for me at this job for the last 2+ years, I seriously respect the cahones this took to quit. The same pair will help Dark find his footing for the next challenge. Dark, Loop and the girls will be fine.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on Apr 9, 2013 4:27:11 GMT -5
Oh for the love of you pathetic people that have to rag on someone on a message board, do you realize how sad you all are to do that. Find someone in your real life that deserves it, someone you know not someone on a message board. You lot are all bullies, I hope you realize that. Someone posts a different opinion on a few favored few and it's like a fricking free for all. Get over yourselves.
I said that it was bratty and childish, it was, I didn't say DH was bratty and childish. I have done bratty and childish things before and been called on it (by REAL people, people that matter to me)
You are bullies.
You don't know me, you don't know what I have accomplished, you don't know what I have been through in my life.
Stop bullying, that is what you are doing and stick to the facts.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 9, 2013 6:31:31 GMT -5
I find that being miserable on the job is often a choice. Yeah, there may be a steaming pile of "stuff" to deal with at work. What job DOESN'T have that? I found that if i simply sat down and corrected my attitude, then i didn't have to be miserable. That doesn't mean that some jobs aren't better than others, of course there are better and worse. But, really think about it. How many jobs are really that terrible? Look at the types of jobs humanity has had since the beginning of time. I am not grinding a stone all day long in a literal sense. I work in a heated and air conditioned environment. I am not breaking my back physically. Even in my worst jobs, there are a lot of jobs that are a heck of a lot "worse'. So, yes, if you hate your job, move on. Find something else to do or adjust your attitude. Send out resumes and get out. But, i have worked with enough people over the years who do nothing but bellyache, wah, wah, wah day after day after day. If they hate it, then MOVE ON! If not, suck it up and find something good about it if you can't change!
As for Dark, there are times you DO have to just walk out and take your life i a new direction. I think he will be fine.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 6:50:25 GMT -5
I find that being miserable on the job is often a choice. Yeah, there may be a steaming pile of "stuff" to deal with at work. What job DOESN'T have that? I found that if i simply sat down and corrected my attitude, then i didn't have to be miserable. So, yes, if you hate your job, move on. Find something else to do or adjust your attitude. Send out resumes and get out. But, i have worked with enough people over the years who do nothing but bellyache, wah, wah, wah day after day after day. If they hate it, then MOVE ON! If not, suck it up and find something good about it if you can't change! As for Dark, there are times you DO have to just walk out and take your life i a new direction. I think he will be fine. Good day, friend. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/cool.png) Negative attitude can hurts you not just of your health it can also affect your career perspective.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 7:07:49 GMT -5
Knowing Dark, it is probably similar to Victoria's Secret.
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Otto the Orange
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Go Orange!
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Post by Otto the Orange on Apr 9, 2013 7:12:45 GMT -5
Knowing Dark, it is probably similar to Victoria's Secret. I hear he does like to dress in women's lingerie and post pics on FB.................
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 7:50:12 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2013 8:07:01 GMT -5
Oh for the love of you pathetic people that have to rag on someone on a message board, do you realize how sad you all are to do that. Find someone in your real life that deserves it, someone you know not someone on a message board. You lot are all bullies, I hope you realize that. Someone posts a different opinion on a few favored few and it's like a fricking free for all. Get over yourselves. I said that it was bratty and childish, it was, I didn't say DH was bratty and childish. I have done bratty and childish things before and been called on it (by REAL people, people that matter to me) You are bullies. You don't know me, you don't know what I have accomplished, you don't know what I have been through in my life. Stop bullying, that is what you are doing and stick to the facts. The high road is actually much higher, you didn't quite get there.
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Apr 9, 2013 8:11:58 GMT -5
So, how long do the rest of us have to wait before we can know the secret?
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 9, 2013 16:12:46 GMT -5
That he's landed a starring role in a musical about the Gadsden Purchase?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Apr 9, 2013 18:32:31 GMT -5
![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/popcorn.gif) This should be good. Sorry I haven't been updating you guys much. Been busy. As to what Loop and I had discussed beforehand, not much and a lot. She's been trying to get me to look for other jobs or go back to school for a few years. She's obviously known that I wasn't happy at my previous job. At the same time, the plan was for me to suck it up for 6 more years. That's when the kids go to college. The plan was for me to shut up and color until then, and after they were out of the house I could do whatever I wanted. Except two chicks at the same time, cause she's not into sharing. I've been the stable paycheck for 12 years already, and I know I agreed to another 6, but on that morning the thought of dealing with the bullshit for another six years... it just wasn't happening. So, my quitting was a surprise to her, but not a huge one. She probably had a similar reaction to a lot of you, in the sense that it seemed sudden and reckless and stupid, but it wasn't completely out of the blue either.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Apr 13, 2013 12:43:11 GMT -5
I've been the stable paycheck for 12 years already, and I know I agreed to another 6, but on that morning the thought of dealing with the bullshit for another six years... it just wasn't happening. So, my quitting was a surprise to her, but not a huge one. She probably had a similar reaction to a lot of you, in the sense that it seemed sudden and reckless and stupid, but it wasn't completely out of the blue either. ...makes sense to me... looking forward to your "landing on your feet" postings...
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