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Post by hawkeyes2001 on Feb 10, 2011 11:39:10 GMT -5
Here is the background: DBF and I both agreed that we each would get a $100/month allowance for individual fun money. We both agreed that $100 is not much so if we want anything major we will have to be disciplined and save up. I don't spend my money and currently have about $500. He wastes his away on fast food/gas station food and has about $200.
Here's the situation: DBF was invited to go ice fishing with some buddies this weekend. Per our agreement this comes out of his individual fun money. When deciding whether he should go or not the first thing out of his mouth is "well, I don't really have the money." Which I read as, "will you let me have some money?" This annoys me because I don't like him asking me for money. We are partners, I am not in control and we made an agreement. This is not the first time this has happened either.
After I got over my annoyance I thought about it and figured that if he were staying home for the weekend the two of us would easily spend at least $50-75 on alcohol and eating out. So I told him I would transfer $25, maybe a little more, to his account for the weekend.
I go to transfer the money to his account this morning and I notice that he spent $6 at McDonalds this morning, $6 at a gas station yesterday etc. For some reason this infuriates me. He is complaining he doesn't have enough money for the trip but then he is blowing $6 at Micky D's when we have PLENTY OF FOOD AT HOME. Seeing what he has been spending his money on makes me really not want to transfer the $25. In my mind he does not want to go ice fishing badly enough if this is what he is doing with his money.
Am I being too harsh? Why is this so irritating to me?
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Feb 10, 2011 11:43:15 GMT -5
Because you feel like you're being 'good' and he's being 'bad' and you're making up for the 'bad.' I hope you can talk to him and come up with a solution that minimizes resentment.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 10, 2011 11:47:53 GMT -5
Allowance is allowance. You both agreed to it and he CHOOSES to spend his in ways you don't approve of. I think you just need to go back to it's your money and your choices, I am not going to be a part of it or own his choices. Don't give him any extra money if that is the deal you both made because that is where the resentment starts. Not worth it.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Feb 10, 2011 11:48:53 GMT -5
I'll be honest when you first said that his response about not really having the money was him asking for money I didn't quite agree but obviously it could depend how he said it. However seeing that he's out spending money when you're essentially transferring money to support his hobby and habits tells me that he's taking advantage of the situation. Maybe it's worth it for you to transfer the money and get a weekend to yourself but in the long run you don't want to send the message that you'll give him more than you agreed so he can basically waste money.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 10, 2011 11:50:56 GMT -5
I go to transfer the money to his account this morning and I notice that he spent $6 at McDonalds this morning, $6 at a gas station yesterday etc. For some reason this infuriates me. He is complaining he doesn't have enough money for the trip but then he is blowing $6 at Micky D's when we have PLENTY OF FOOD AT HOME. Seeing what he has been spending his money on makes me really not want to transfer the $25. In my mind he does not want to go ice fishing badly enough if this is what he is doing with his money.
Am I being too harsh? Why is this so irritating to me?
This is why DH's fun money is in a separate account - I never even see what he's spending it on. Same for me.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 10, 2011 11:53:06 GMT -5
He has $200, but he needs $225? Couldn't he just pack a bunch of food out of the pantry and bring the cost of the trip down by $25?
How much does ice fishing cost?
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Feb 10, 2011 11:53:15 GMT -5
He sounds childish to me. I'd be frustrated, also.
Do you guys collectively have enough money to fund the trip? How much does ice fishing cost, anyways? $200 seems like it'd be plenty for beer, bait, and a hotel.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2011 11:53:44 GMT -5
I think it's irritating you because the fun money account is set up to avoid the exact problem you guys are having. I do think you are the problem here though - . You should let him suffer the consequences of his actions, with maybe a gentle amount of advice about how to save for events, if he's not good at budgeting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2011 11:54:43 GMT -5
Why didn't he take the $25 out of the $200. And you are becoming his mother. You have to stop doing that.
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Post by hawkeyes2001 on Feb 10, 2011 11:54:57 GMT -5
I guess I was hoping that when I went to transfer the money I would notice that he hadn't spent anything since Monday afternoon when he made the decision to go on the trip. To me that would show he was spending wisely. I ended up transfering the $25 for a couple of reasons. 1. I didn't want him to ask where it was and end up in a fight over it b/c technically we agreed not to look at what the other is spending money on (which is impossible when you need to transfer money) and 2. It's $25. Which is not a whole lot to us. Why fight over $25?
He has a big turkey hunting trip planned for May. I think I will let this go but make it clear he gets no extra for that trip.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 10, 2011 11:55:07 GMT -5
Since he hasn't asked for the money, you can't criticize him for how he spends his allowance.
If he hasn't actually asked for money, I don't see a need to supply it. If you are giving him money when he hasn't asked, then it is your choice as it is your allowance you are deciding how to spend or give.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Feb 10, 2011 11:55:09 GMT -5
...we do allowance, and we do NOT have access to view transactions of each other's allowance accounts... in part, so I don't see the $6 McDs purchase int he first place... ...and, yes, there have been times when something comes up that "we can't afford" but want to do... so we would sit down, review the budget, and decide to give each of us an equal "bonus" to add to our allowances... so the one who wants the newest thing gets it, and the other gets more in their reserve... works for us...
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 10, 2011 11:56:52 GMT -5
Incidentally, this is why I combined money with my husband. I didn't want it to become a constant issue with his money and my money and me feeling superior that I had saved money and him feeling sheepish because he wanted to go out with friends. It is one big pot and we are both responsible for our overall combined success. It isn't perfect either - I'm just way, way too lazy to go through all of our statements and figure out what was "his", what was "mine" and what was "ours." With it all being mixed together, I can't start a fight without a lot of research - totally not worth it. If he had a seperate account and I could just do one print out and let the bad feelings begin - too easy.
If you don't want to give him the $25, don't. If you want to pass judgement on him - be careful. Really weigh if it is worth it.
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Post by mawmawandlovingit on Feb 10, 2011 11:57:15 GMT -5
Sounds like you are in a bad situation either way. If you give him the extra money, he will think he can come to you each time he is short and ask for money. On the other hand, if you don't give him the money, he might turn this around and resent/blame you for not being able to go on the trip. Good luck in making this decision!!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 10, 2011 11:58:10 GMT -5
I don't spend my money and currently have about $500. He wastes his away on fast food/gas station food and has about $200.
You are a saver, he is a spender. You're never going to agree on what he spends because you will ALWAYS think it is crap and a waste of money.
You gotta let go what he spends his money on, it's HIS allowance which means even if you think McD's is a waste of money, that is his choice to make.
That's why it irritates you. Your idea of a waste of money is not the same as his idea of a waste of money.
If you want to control what he spends it on so he don't spend it on what you consider to be junk than go to a joint account where you control everything.
You can't make him plan like you, you can't make him save his spending money like you. Which is why I would assume you have individual fun money, so you don't have to justify how you use it.
I'd be willing to give him the money but make it clear it is coming out of our joint fun money which means if he wants to do X later the answer is NO and then stick with it reminding him the money went towards his ice fishing trip.
Incidentally, this is why I combined money with my husband. I didn't want it to become a constant issue with his money and my money and me feeling superior that I had saved money and him feeling sheepish because he wanted to go out with friends. It is one big pot and we are both responsible for our overall combined success. It isn't perfect either - I'm just way, way too lazy to go through all of our statements and figure out what was "his", what was "mine" and what was "ours." With it all being mixed together, I can't start a fight without a lot of research - totally not worth it
Ditto.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 10, 2011 12:01:22 GMT -5
Give him $75 next month, problem solved.
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Post by hawkeyes2001 on Feb 10, 2011 12:02:13 GMT -5
He sounds childish to me. I'd be frustrated, also. Do you guys collectively have enough money to fund the trip? How much does ice fishing cost, anyways? $200 seems like it'd be plenty for beer, bait, and a hotel. Well, that's kind of what I don't understand. He actually has over $250 in his account. He is riding with someone else and staying at someone else's cabin. So lodging is free. He needs bait, beer and food. He also wants to pitch in for gas. I'm taking the $25 back. Honestly I think the whole thing bothers me because it shows me he is not good at sticking to agreements. And the situation makes me feel badly that I am some evil overly frugal person that won't let him do things he likes.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Feb 10, 2011 12:05:39 GMT -5
<<< And the situation makes me feel badly that I am some evil overly frugal person that won't let him do things he likes. >>>
...stop it...
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Feb 10, 2011 12:06:09 GMT -5
<<< a Bob Newhart moment >>> ;D
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Feb 10, 2011 12:07:35 GMT -5
...seriously... you guys agreed to an allowance set up so that control over individual expenses would fall to the individuall... do NOT get sucked in to a "I have to allow this" kind of thinking... he's got fun money... he chooses what to do for fun... case closed...
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Post by ca on Feb 10, 2011 12:07:39 GMT -5
You know what's really sexy? When a partner becomes your nagging mother dishing out allowance and telling you not to eat at McDonald's.
Don't give him money if you have an agreement and want him to abide by it in the future. But also, don't nag him and dont' monitor his spending and if it bothers you, get therapy or be prepared to lose the guy. Nobody stays happily married to mean mommy.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Feb 10, 2011 12:07:59 GMT -5
You are a saver, he is a spender. You're never going to agree on what he spends because you will ALWAYS think it is crap and a waste of money.
This issue is not about him spending on crap or wasting money. This couple made an adult agreement for each to have a monthly spending allotment. The fact that the guy wants to go on a fishing trip, and does not have money to go because he spent his allowance on items he thinks are necessary, and made no effort to save a few bucks each week to go on the trip is what this thread is all about. Seems as if he is not maintaining any sort of monthly cushion for unexpected expenses or last minute events. Sounds like this guy needs some growing up. Hope the poster is learning a lesson.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2011 12:09:09 GMT -5
You are acting like his mother. Stop that! I'm not giving him any money either and no one says it's my fault he isn't going.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Feb 10, 2011 12:10:20 GMT -5
I think in the future, you should just not look at his "allowance" spending. If he remarks he would like to do x but doesn't have the money, you should remark calmly "Oh, that's too bad, bummer" and then go on about your business. He is an adult, don't treat him otherwise.
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Feb 10, 2011 12:21:10 GMT -5
<<<Give him $75 next month, problem solved. >>>
I actually see the situation completly inverted from the way you do. This money has been designated as "careless, unaccounted spending money."
It sounds like you are breaking the rules already by hoarding, not spending the money.
Maybe it's just my corporate background. If a department comes in under budget, that's a call to lower the department's budget for next year.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 10, 2011 12:23:18 GMT -5
I think that is the right thing to do, but you need to talk to him. Tell him that against your own wishes, you were upset that he asked you for money while continuing to spend. Also, you don't know why he needs to borrow $25 when he has $250.
We are all bashing him for not being a "saver" - but really the guy has $250 sitting around and the OP has $500. I don't know if they have done this system for 5 months or 15 years - but the difference in "savings rate" isn't nearly as stark as it could be. A spender would have spent every dime of the $100 per month, plus whipped out the credit cards and spent another two grand.
The guy is fine - she is fine. Just tell him to use the $250, and to think ahead as these things will come up again in the future. If he wants to eat at McDonald's - let him! Otherwise, he will leave you and still eat at McDonalds.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Feb 10, 2011 12:26:21 GMT -5
"Here's the situation: DBF was invited to go ice fishing with some buddies this weekend. Per our agreement this comes out of his individual fun money. When deciding whether he should go or not the first thing out of his mouth is "well, I don't really have the money." "
I think she's reading a lot into the situation and/or not posting everything. It is possible he was invited, didn't want to go, and was planning to use not enough money as an excuse. Nowhere in her post does it say he really wanted to go or that he asked for money or gave a specific amount he needed.
It would have been interesting if when the conversation occurred she had asked him if he wanted to go and what he wanted to do about the trip instead of assuming what he wanted to do.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 10, 2011 12:28:56 GMT -5
That is just it- I don't think he actually asked. She inferred from his comment that he wanted her to give him the money.
Until he asks- she's just being caretaker.
If he already has $200, why is 25 going to make a difference?
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Feb 10, 2011 12:37:00 GMT -5
<<<It sounds like you are breaking the rules already by hoarding, not spending the money.>>>
...but hoarding IS fun to some people... so the money WAS spent according to its purpose...
;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2011 12:38:43 GMT -5
Lots of drama over $25.. Yes you are packaging this up as something about responsibility and honoring agreements, but it really boils down to $25. If it becomes a pattern, then come back and post about it. He saved up over $200, so he obviously doesn't spend his allowance every month..
ONLY $25!
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