stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 14, 2011 15:37:50 GMT -5
I just don't understand this.
The OP makes more money than he does, and he spends more money. The OP and the BF have different lifestyles (e.g. food and exercise), yet that doesn't bother the OP (even though earlier posts suggest otherwise).
I have two female friends right now who remind me of the OP. One is graduating with me this semester and another who is in a different program. They both make more money and have been with their boyfriends for years. They both have a middle-class lifestyle and temperment and their boyfriends would probably be better described as working-class. The boyfriends drink more, eat more, and are less concerned about any long-term planning (buying a house, planning for children, etc.) Because of their girlfriends, the boyfriends have a much high standard of living than they would otherwise.
Both of the women, excessively monitor their boyfriend's behavior. Even though they both say that they are 'fine' with how their boyfriends act, it is clear they monitor the boyfriends' behavior to make sure that it doesn't get any worse. They just can't deal with that, which proves that they are really not that ok with the status quo. There are endless arguments about going out too much, not enough, spending time together, friends, getting a promotion at a job, going to school...or there were, until the girlfriends recognized that the boyfriend was not going to change all that much. Hence the adjustment to the status quo and the careful monitoring to make sure it just doesn't change.
I don't know if this describes the OP, but I've seen it a lot. My definition of a relationship is two like-minded people who provided support, love, and care for the other person and view their opinions, desires, and goals as equal to your own. If you aren't like-minded, don't agree on things, or don't respect/trust each other's decisions, I don't know what it is, but it is not anything I would call a relationship.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 14, 2011 16:04:55 GMT -5
...:::"The OP makes more money than he does, and he spends more money.":::...
To be fair, it seemed determined that the boyfriends spending was not unreasonable -- it was the OP's saving was far higher than average. I could save 20% of my net, but still look like a spendthrift to someone who saves 50% of his net. Also, if 50% of the 2nd guy's net is the same number as 80% of my net, then we could have the SAME standard of living, but the 2nd guy's higher income means a higher savings rate.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 14, 2011 16:31:36 GMT -5
Actually, we don't even know if the OP's BF spends more. It sounds like he spends more often - but she admitted that her hair appointments, although not expensive, don't come from her fun money - that comes from the joint account. So, I think this is an example of where an allowance doesn't work.
My husband said he was going to use 2 different credit cards - one for "his" expenses and one for "our" expenses. - Going out to lunch - "his" expense - Going out to dinner with me - "our" expense - Going out to lunch with me - ??"our" expense - so, then he starts calling once a week to go out, so it doesn't look like he is spending as much.
- Going to the barber shop - "his" expense - Taking our son to the barber shop - "our" expense - so, do you pay for your haircut with one credit card and our son's with the other?
Plus - who cares? Keep our goals in mind and spend responsibly.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 14, 2011 16:48:14 GMT -5
WWBG and thyme, I think that is fair, but I have seen this time and time again.
It isn't just about the spending. It is about the monitoring, being different people, and the resentment that eventually comes with all of this. I don't think 'normal' relationships are concerned about a $6 McDonalds visit or a fishing trip, unless they are a placeholder for larger problems. The monitoring is to make sure that things don't get any worse, and the OP is still in control because she feels that she has made too many compromises already.
I feel like people who can say 'Who cares?' (which I think could be the right response in most cases) can say that because it is just that situation. Remember that the title of this thread was 'Why Does This Bother Me So Much?'
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 14, 2011 17:07:17 GMT -5
"Actually, we don't even know if the OP's BF spends more. It sounds like he spends more often - but she admitted that her hair appointments, although not expensive, don't come from her fun money - that comes from the joint account. So, I think this is an example of where an allowance doesn't work. "
Also after giving a thought to her McDonald's objections, it also sounds like food might be coming from a joint expenditure...but only when it's food for the house rather than meals out at McDonalds. That could easily mean that HER food is coming out of the joint budget while HIS food is coming primarily from his "fun money".
That's part of the issue when there is one budget line item for things like that. The person who ends up spending their own money on that same line item of "food/groceries" essentially ends up subsidizing the person who uses the shared item. Kind of like having a shared line item for "car" but then making your car-less gf pay for her bus pass from her own fun money allowance.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 14, 2011 17:09:25 GMT -5
stats - I agree that this isn't about the money. I mean she was going to lend him $25, and said the amount was no big deal - so this is clearly about control and common goals.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Feb 14, 2011 17:26:40 GMT -5
What was the agreement on sport vacation weekends and trips?
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 14, 2011 17:29:30 GMT -5
...:::"The person who ends up spending their own money on that same line item of "food/groceries" essentially ends up subsidizing the person who uses the shared item.":::...
It does go both ways. A friend of mine once remarked "I need to be better about buying cold cuts for lunch instead of going to Subway. Right now I'm spending my fun money and leaving joint money on the table."
...:::"It is about the monitoring, being different people, and the resentment that eventually comes with all of this.":::...
I'm feeling generous and would be willing to believe that she didn't "spy" so much as "stumbled". I think she said that when she logged in to transfer the money, she saw that he still went to McDonalds.
I believe she said specifically that it bugged her because how can he cry $25 short for the fishing trip, but upon receiving the handout, spend another $25 or so on something frivolous. It does not compute to her because if she was in that position, she would sacrifice everything else for the trip.
There are no shortage of threads on YM about that annoying co-worker who borrows $20 from you today because he/she is totally broke, and then goes out to lunch the next day. Or the people that need to borrow $50 to keep the electricity on, but next week are showing off a new smartphone.
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