Why does this bother me so much?

[swamp]

Feb 10, 2011 15:28:58 GMT -5 hurley1980 said:

So....I hate to put a dent in the wonderful sterotype that women are huge spenders that don't know how to save, but it seems like there's an aweful lot of MEN who are outspending their WOMEN (and don't know how to save). I'm just sayin...

I'm sure she spends oodles of money on her monthly social event at the hair salon.................

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"So....I hate to put a dent in the wonderful sterotype that women are huge spenders that don't know how to save, but it seems like there's an aweful lot of MEN who are outspending their WOMEN (and don't know how to save). I'm just sayin...":::...

I'd love to hear more about what they are actually buying. Maybe the OP isn't "frugal" but CHEAP, and that is why she has saved so much? Maybe his spending is at reasonable levels (McDonalds is pretty cheap, there are food habits that are FAR more expensive), but because she is afraid to part with money, he seems like a spender by comparison.

Plus, if the gender roles were reversed, she'd have been told from the beginning to the spender before he bankrupts her, and find a real man There probably would also be accusations that he is cheating -- that McDonalds is so expensive because he is getting cash advances there, and that "ice fishing" really means "getting a hotel with the mistress".

[thyme4change]

Again - is this guy really a spender? Sure, he might not be as much as a saver as she is, but he still saved at least some of his fun-no-questions-asked-free-money allowance. If they have been on this system for a year and he has $250 sitting there - he saved more than 20% of what was given to him. Just because she saved 40% doesn't mean that he is evil and should be chased after by a mob of torch weilding YMers.

[Firebird]

Feb 10, 2011 15:39:27 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Again - is this guy really a spender? Sure, he might not be as much as a saver as she is, but he still saved at least some of his fun-no-questions-asked-free-money allowance. If they have been on this system for a year and he has $250 sitting there - he saved more than 20% of what was given to him. Just because she saved 40% doesn't mean that he is evil and should be chased after by a mob of torch weilding YMers.

A most excellent point.

I really don't understand the gender-generalizing that goes on over these boards. Some women are stingy and greedy and spend all their man's money. Some men run their women's higher salaries into the ground with their habits.

I've never once noticed that more women do x than men, or vice versa. If you're really putting financial strain on your partner, that's bad. And not very loving. I don't care what gender you are.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Just because she saved 40% doesn't mean that he is evil and should be chased after by a mob of torch weilding YMers.

And conversely, just because he does not have enough money to go fishing, does not mean he is a deprived boy friend, and that she is an evil, overbearing, controlling B-otch.
The fact that the guy seems impulsive, does not mean the poster is evil because she does not want to give him the cash so he can go away.

[jennml]

I just think the problem is the way it all happened. If you don't want to give $$$ then don't. But the OP (of her own volition) gave, regretted, then took back for no other reason than McDs.

[hoops902]

"The fact that the guy seems impulsive, does not mean the poster is evil because she does not want to give him the cash so he can go away. "

No, but the fact that she says she'll give him $25 without him asking, puts the $25 in his account, then snoops into what he's spending his money on, then decides she's taking the $25 back suggests she might have of those overbearing, controlling tendencies.

I don't think there's anythign wrong with him saying "I don't have the money" and her saying "That's too bad, what are you going to do?". The whole "oh take a little of my money, wait i saw you went to McDonald's, I'm taking my money back now" thing isn't normal or healthy, at least as OP has described it.

[thyme4change]

And conversely, just because he does not have enough money to go fishing, does not mean he is a deprived boy friend, and that she is an evil, overbearing, controlling B-otch.

I agree. I think we have taken quite extreme positions on both sides of this. Really, these should be micro-adjustments in a relationship. We've made it out to be a huge statement on overarching personality traits.

[thyme4change]

By the way - my post #55 was suppose to be sarcastic hyperbole, but it doesn't seem that anyone got the joke.

[zibazinski]

Actually, Hoops, I agree with you. I have finally divorced myself from the financial decisions of my DD because we do not agree on how to spend. I even told her why and it's true. She buys what she wants before she pays her bills and I feel like I'm the one who pays for the bills so she can buy what she wants. I resent it and her. I told her her allowance ends when she SHOULD have graduated from college and that, for one year, I will pay rent and ONLY rent on an apartment by campus so she can finish up her degree. That I do not want to hear that she blew up her engine because she didn't get the oil changed because thirty bucks was spent on something fun instead of the oil change.

[Deleted]

How long have you and DBF been dating and combining money? I'm just wondering how much of your irritation is coming from wondering what this could mean in the future if you are planning to get married.

BTW - I'm the one in our relationship who spends money eating out. DH will save up money for months and months and then spend it in a day.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

No, but the fact that she says she'll give him $25 without him asking, puts the $25 in his account, then snoops into what he's spending his money on, then decides she's taking the $25 back suggests she might have of those overbearing, controlling tendencies.

Yeah, I agree with ya', the snooping part does not make for a trusting relationship. Women like snooping. If you don't believe me go to any lifestyle message forum, like the one on MSN.Com and you will find numerous threads and posts, from women saying they are snooping. I've never read a post from a guy saying he snooped on/in his SO's email, phone, etc.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

By the way - my post #55 was suppose to be sarcastic hyperbole, but it doesn't seem that anyone got the joke.

I went back and read it. I did not see the humor. I thought it was a pretty good analysis of the situation at hand.

[Firebird]

I don't think there's anythign wrong with him saying "I don't have the money" and her saying "That's too bad, what are you going to do?". The whole "oh take a little of my money, wait i saw you went to McDonald's, I'm taking my money back now" thing isn't normal or healthy, at least as OP has described it.

At best, it was passive-aggressive in the extreme.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"No, but the fact that she says she'll give him $25 without him asking, puts the $25 in his account, then snoops into what he's spending his money on, then decides she's taking the $25 back suggests she might have of those overbearing, controlling tendencies.":::...

Hehe, I just realized this also means she has enough access to do this without him present. DF and I STILL don't have access to each others accounts -- we do all our transfers at the bank or by check.

I'm just glad now she knows what the REAL issue is. I wonder if the boyfriend knows how much his gf hates Mcdonalds. I wonder how many fights they've had in the past that he thought was about whatever they were fighting about, but in truth were smokescreen fights because she was mad about McDonalds.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< DF and I STILL don't have access to each others accounts -- we do all our transfers at the bank or by check. >>>

...it could be more convenient, if you want... we can transfer money online to each other's accounts whenever we want... all you need is the #s to make deposits...

...you can't view/draft until you're a signer on the thing...

[thyme4change]

I'm old school - I would have gone to the ATM and taken out a $20 and given it to him.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"...it could be more convenient, if you want... we can transfer money online to each other's accounts whenever we want... all you need is the #s to make deposits... ":::...

We can transfer money if we are the initiators. I do not like the idea of her being able to "un-transfer" it, or log into my account and take it back.

SF's point has some merit. Some people REALLY like to snoop. Notice how they always find something that justifies their snooping (regardless of whether it does or not).

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< We can transfer money if we are the initiators. I do not like the idea of her being able to "un-transfer" it, or log into my account and take it back. >>>

...right... if they are truly separate accounts, you can't take back the $ you put it... fwiw, I prefer these when it comes to separate funds...

[hurley1980]

Feb 10, 2011 16:48:42 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

I've never read a post from a guy saying he snooped on/in his SO's email, phone, etc.

There's a first time for everything!

www.sandiego.com/news/wife-sues-husband-for-going-through-her-emails

[hawkeyes2001]

OP here. And honestly, yes I have a touch of OCD and thus am a bit of a control freak. I'm not evil though. I am not the SOLE bread winner but I am the bread winner by a good amount. It is never mentioned by me and I like to think we split things evenly. Yes, he is the spender and I am the saver that has a hard time parting with money. Yes, he is the unhealthy one that eats crap at McDonalds and has poor exercise routines; while I am the healthier one that just finished up a class at the Y and pukes at the thought of McDonalds. Have I accepted these differences? Yes, I can live with them because on a whole we're good together. We balance each other. Every once in a while do I let these differences get the best of me? Yes. I'm human. We all want things our own way and sometimes have trouble swallowing it when it isn't our way.

DBF has left for his trip and I am enjoying a glass of wine and feeling slightly guilty that I snooped at his bank account transactions.

P.S. To the poster that mentioned salon trips: I spend $40 every 10 weeks to get a hair cut. When I started doing this a year ago I asked DBF if he thought this was reasonable or if I should take it out of my personal account. His response was that it was okay because he knows me well and fully trusts I'm not going to piss all of our money away.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< feeling slightly guilty that I snooped at his bank account transactions. >>>

...I think it's good to feel a bit guilty...

...but in the interests of full disclosure, I did peek when DH checked his account online the other day, as we were deciding how much he needed for the bonus we thought he needed about upcoming stuff to do... I didn't need to peek, but I did... and he didn't mind...

...and we've been married over a decade...

...after all this time, I now have had a glimpse at his balance...

;D

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you don't believe me go to any lifestyle message forum, like the one on MSN.Com and you will find numerous threads and posts, from women saying they are snooping. I've never read a post from a guy saying he snooped on/in his SO's email, phone, etc.

Men snoop. I caught DH snooping thru my email once and we nearly got divorced over it. Either you trust me or you don't. I am not going to have Big Brother sorting my emails while I am asleep.

He hasn't looked at my email account since.

[telephus44]

I just wanted to comment on one way we've handled this. We have our money set up pretty similarly (we each get allowances to fun money). DH is the spender, I am a saver. I found that for me, the best way to avoid resentment was to make the allowance amount really big. Yes, it's certainly not the best way to save money, but we each get $500 a month. Yes, I tend to save all of mine, and DH tends to spend it all and then some (he has a personal CC that he will rack up, pay off completely, rack up again, pay off completely... it's a cycle depending on whether or not he's on a personal finance kick..). I know that people always gasp at the amount - it's the second largest item in our budget behind the mortgage, but it really prevents all these little arguments over $25.

And yes, we still save about 20% of our income, so please don't think we're frittering it ALL away on fun money...

[patchwork150]

Feb 11, 2011 9:51:39 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Men snoop. I caught DH snooping thru my email once and we nearly got divorced over it. Either you trust me or you don't. I am not going to have Big Brother sorting my emails while I am asleep.

He hasn't looked at my email account since.

LOL. So many roads to get to rome

I don't have anything 'personal' that DH can't look at if he feels like it. He has all my passwords, accounts, etc (but doesn't use most of them lol). Sometimes he uses my phone, and i'll either point out to him some message that was cute or he might see I have a new picture for my background, whatever. I don't care if he looks- and honestly, I don't think he does. I think by clearly leaving the door open, I am not leaving room for doubt. He's the same way about almost everything. I'm not saying this is the only way to be. Now, I would feel pretty bad if he was going through my phone all the time, going through my stuff, obviously being snoopy or asking questions, because I would feel like he doesn't trust me. But I hope I have made it obvoius throughout the years that he can trust me. It hasn't happened, thankfully! As for me snooping, I don't feel a need to either. He's my hubby, he proved to me prior to (and throughout) our marriage he can be trusted.

We both agree that in a relationship, trust is everything- and you have nothing if you don't have trust.

[formerexpat]

I don't spend as much as my wife. Her budgeted personal spending is more than mine by about $50 a month. I just don't spend money. I don't go out to lunch during the week and my only real, recurring expense that is "personal" is my gym membership.

My wife also keeps the excess from our budgeted expenses that she manages [it's incentive for her to be cost conscious]. If she does well and saves money on groceries, etc, then she can take that money as personal money.

I see no reason that both partner's personal spending has to be the same.

Seems a bit childish to me to get all bent out of shape about a $25 overage that occurs once every x [what, 3 - 6] months. You're talking about $50 - 100 a year. Maybe his allowance should be $10 - 15 more per month. You could even choose to reduce yours so it's a net zero on your overall budget.

Is personal spending being exactly the same amount for both parties such a big deal?

[formerexpat]

OP here. And honestly, yes I have a touch of OCD and thus am a bit of a control freak. I'm not evil though. I am not the SOLE bread winner but I am the bread winner by a good amount. It is never mentioned by me and I like to think we split things evenly. Yes, he is the spender and I am the saver that has a hard time parting with money. Yes, he is the unhealthy one that eats crap at McDonalds and has poor exercise routines; while I am the healthier one that just finished up a class at the Y and pukes at the thought of McDonalds. Have I accepted these differences? Yes, I can live with them because on a whole we're good together. We balance each other. Every once in a while do I let these differences get the best of me? Yes. I'm human. We all want things our own way and sometimes have trouble swallowing it when it isn't our way.

You've got two entirely different issues you're referencing in this post. One is money related and one is lifestyle related [his general unhealthiness]. Are you sure the latter doesn't bother you more than or as much as the former?

Dynamics of a relationship shouldn't be determined by who has the bigger income. Pretend there isn't money involved and you're both equals in the relationship...i.e. get rid of the mom complex you've got going on. [/size]

[Deleted]

It's also a lot of drama over a boyfriend!!!!! Husband : yes....boyfriend: not a chance!!!!

And why oh why do you have access to his accounts?? Just another in a long line of mistakes women make.

[hawkeyes2001]

Feb 12, 2011 19:51:35 GMT -5 @blondegranny said:

It's also a lot of drama over a boyfriend!!!!! Husband : yes....boyfriend: not a chance!!!!

And why oh why do you have access to his accounts?? Just another in a long line of mistakes women make.

Um, "boyfriend" is the name that society has termed. In my mind he is the equivalent of my husband and in his mind I am the equivalent of his wife. We don't want a wedding and we have no need to have someone legally define our relationship. We have agreed to a monogamous relationship and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. Neither one of us needs a ceremony or signed license to seal the deal. We share everything; financial accounts included. That may be deemed a "mistake" by some but guess what? It has nothing to do with you. It's our choice. If it ends badly it is our problem to deal with and that is the risk we're willing to take.

There was never really any drama. All the drama played out on this message board and it was comical. Good entertainment for when the BF is away ice fishing. javascript:add("%20%20")

P.S. We will be giving into societal norms/pressure and making it legal within the next few months.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Seems a bit childish to me to get all bent out of shape about a $25 overage that occurs once every x [what, 3 - 6] months.":::...

I think we've isolated that the thing which really does bother her is the fact that if she wanted to take the trip, she would have saved to make sure she had the money. He wanted the trip, but (in her eyes) "failed to sacrifice". Especially since the thing she wanted him to sacrifice is something she hates in the first place.

What I hope is that she is able to deal with the above.