Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 10, 2011 12:45:51 GMT -5
Are you mad because he didn't ask you to go? Just kidding. OP, I totally understand because my boyfriend is the same way. You know what it means to be girls like us dating men like them? Sometimes their lack of planning will frustrate you. You just need to go with it and learn not to sweat the small stuff. Be careful about which battles you choose when it comes to money or you guys will never, and I mean NEVER, have peace. Save these arguments for hills you really want to die on. If the difference really was $25, I would give it to my boyfriend just to be nice and because I love him. Then he would pick up the check for a nice dinner out, just the two of us, the next month or whenever his next allowance came in, because he is nice and loves me.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 10, 2011 12:45:59 GMT -5
"Here's the situation: DBF was invited to go ice fishing with some buddies this weekend. Per our agreement this comes out of his individual fun money. When deciding whether he should go or not the first thing out of his mouth is "well, I don't really have the money." "
Well, if it were me, the first thing out of my mouth would have been, "What are you going to do?" The second thing would be, "You could take an advance on next month's allowance or I could LOAN it to you from my own allowance." An allowance for fun money means you don't have to account for it. If you are monitoring how he spends his allowance, then it seems that you're the one breaking the rules.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2011 12:48:22 GMT -5
I think in the future, you should just not look at his "allowance" spending. If he remarks he would like to do x but doesn't have the money, you should remark calmly "Oh, that's too bad, bummer" and then go on about your business. He is an adult, don't treat him otherwise.
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Post by jennml on Feb 10, 2011 12:52:53 GMT -5
IDk...maybe I'm not seeing the complexities inherent in this matter. But I would've basically responded with "Awww, honey that sucks that you can't afford it." Then, if he straight out asked me to help pay for his trip, I'd say "Sure, pay me back next month." If he can't or doesn't want to pay me back then tough.
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The J
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Post by The J on Feb 10, 2011 12:52:56 GMT -5
Hawkeyes -- there's no reason why you should be looking at what he's spending his money on. You can transfer money to his account without looking at it.
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Post by thinblue on Feb 10, 2011 13:01:08 GMT -5
Firebird....I really liked your response...I gave you karma!
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Feb 10, 2011 13:03:52 GMT -5
Then he would pick up the check for a nice dinner out, just the two of us, the next month or whenever his next allowance came in, because he is nice and loves me.
Events and activities would come out of a communal spending pot. If he buys a "nice dinner" out, he will be sure to be short spending money way before the end of the month.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 10, 2011 13:09:21 GMT -5
Firebird....I really liked your response...I gave you karma! *blushes* Aww, I'm flattered. Thank you! ;D
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 10, 2011 13:12:03 GMT -5
Then he would pick up the check for a nice dinner out, just the two of us, the next month or whenever his next allowance came in, because he is nice and loves me. Events and activities would come out of a communal spending pot. If he buys a "nice dinner" out, he will be sure to be short spending money way before the end of the month. Pizza and a movie would be fine also. The point is that he would want to do something nice for me because I helped him. I would never in a million years "loan" him $25. That would be ridiculous. Nickel and diming someone like that is a surefire way to make you both nuts.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Feb 10, 2011 13:31:46 GMT -5
I'm confused. Why can't he just use his $200 to go? Is $25 really going to make that big of a difference?
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Post by jennml on Feb 10, 2011 13:36:01 GMT -5
It depends on how their system is set up. It seems like it's a common potter set-up with an allowance built in. I would never share finances this way. I'd split the common bills evenly. Some based on % of income, others 50/50 (i.e. rent or mortgage) and have us put our total "charge" into a joint account and pay those bills from there. Agree on savings rates for joint household purchases, etc. As well as retirement goals. The rest of what we earn is ours to do with as we please. Of course this method involves a lot of communication but I'd like to think that whoever I marry is someone I can easily talk to about important matters.
$25 is small change in the grand scheme of things but the point is not to perpetuate a recurring dependance. You get into the habit of giving $5 here, $10 there and it snowballs. I had a close friend like that and I always felt guilty for being the higher earner so would treat her to stuff all the time. After years of this the resentment built and I realized it was all my own fault.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 10, 2011 13:40:04 GMT -5
Oh so much fun we could have with this.
Perhaps his allowance is insufficient for his needs, and yours is too much. There is no shame in simply NOT needing as much money, and it does not make you a subordinate.
Your spending is such that you were able to save a good amount. By contrast, he has saved too, just not as much. If he had ZERO, and he expected you to fully fund it, then that is one thing. But he doesn't.
My DF could be a stickler about our food budget. She could demand that I either scale down my spending to be equal to hers, or that I match her via contributions equal to what I spend on food. But she DOESN'T, because it doesn't matter. Vegetables cost less than meat, and she eats less than me.
...:::"In my mind he does not want to go ice fishing badly enough if this is what he is doing with his money.":::...
It is so irritating to you BECAUSE you think this way. I'm not saying I don't understand it, I'm just saying that the amounts it is happening at are WAYYYYY too low to get upset over. Again, if he had zero savings and was even using a CC to subsidize stupid stuff like McDonalds, then hitting you up for money for ice fishing, and leaving you with hardly a penny to get a coffee, then your reaction would be fine.
But really..., let it go
...:::"Give him $75 next month, problem solved. ":::...
*Bangs head against wall* Ignore this man-hating holier-than-thou nonsense, unless you want to destroy your marriage.
You CANNOT say on one hand that you don't want to control things, then on the other hand expect to approve funding requests.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 10, 2011 13:42:43 GMT -5
He sounds childish to me. I'd be frustrated, also. Do you guys collectively have enough money to fund the trip? How much does ice fishing cost, anyways? $200 seems like it'd be plenty for beer, bait, and a hotel. Well, that's kind of what I don't understand. He actually has over $250 in his account. He is riding with someone else and staying at someone else's cabin. So lodging is free. He needs bait, beer and food. He also wants to pitch in for gas. I'm taking the $25 back. Honestly I think the whole thing bothers me because it shows me he is not good at sticking to agreements. And the situation makes me feel badly that I am some evil overly frugal person that won't let him do things he likes. What agreement? He agreed to take $100/month for fun money. When asked he said he didn't have the money to go. Sounds like he stuck to the agreement. YOU are the one who decided to change the agreement and now you're resentful even though he apparently hasn't even asked you to. Stop blaming him for the fact that you have some need to "fix things" so that everyone can have everything they want. Who's making the money in the relationship? If he wants more money can't he just take some of his own savings? (does he have savings?) I mean if I allotted myself $100/month in fun money and came across an opportunity I was excited about for $500, I'd just go pull it out of savings and do it. To hell with what my gf thought of the idea. That's the beauty of being the GF and not the Wife, it's not really any of your business how he spends his own money, nor his about how you spend yours assuming you're both earning your own money anyways.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 10, 2011 13:45:56 GMT -5
...:::"Give him $75 next month, problem solved. ":::...
Also, unless she's making all of the money and he's not bringing in anything, how is she going to "give him $75". Their agreement appears to be about how much they'll each spend. If my gf and I agree to only spend $100 each month on fun stuff and I go over, she still has no control over whether I spend $100 next month, $500, or $0.
And even if you controlled all of the money, it's beyond psycho-controlling to have him say he's not going due to lack of funds, you volunteering to give him $25 without him even asking, then telling him that you weren't really giving him $25, you were just fronting him his own money from next month after the fact.
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phil5185
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Post by phil5185 on Feb 10, 2011 13:52:39 GMT -5
BTW, how do you spend $6 at McD in the morning? We go in, get two sausage biscuits, and 2 senior coffees - $3 for the two of us. And they refill our coffee for us. Do they even have something on the breakfast menu that costs $6?
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Post by hawkeyes2001 on Feb 10, 2011 13:56:51 GMT -5
Well, this has been so much fun. Honestly, we are in a good healthy relationship and rarely have money issues. We pretty much see eye to eye. I started the post for two reasons: 1. I lurk here a lot but never have anything interesting to post. 2. It was a rant. I get fired up and then get over things real quickly. Posting the rant and reading the replies helped me move on.
It wasn't about $25 because $25 doesn't make a huge difference in what he can and cannot spend this weekend. And to EVERYONE who stated he never asked for the money you are correct. He didn't ask and thus I shouldn't be upset. I offered up the $25 because I love him, thought it would help fund his weekend and wanted him to go have a good time and not worry about money.
I just wish he wouldn't eat at McDoanlds. But that is a topic for a different type of message board!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 10, 2011 13:58:24 GMT -5
...:::"Well, if it were me, the first thing out of my mouth would have been, "What are you going to do?" The second thing would be, "You could take an advance on next month's allowance or I could LOAN it to you from my own allowance."":::...
Ugh... and if that were me, the next time you needed me to do something you couldn't do yourself, I would charge you for it.
...:::"But I would've basically responded with "Awww, honey that sucks that you can't afford it." Then, if he straight out asked me to help pay for his trip, I'd say "Sure, pay me back next month." If he can't or doesn't want to pay me back then tough. ":::...
Don't say I didn't warn you when the situation is reversed one day and you are on the receiving end of the BS you are spouting here. For $25 stupid dollars, you are buying yourself a long journey on the resentment railroad.
...:::"If the difference really was $25, I would give it to my boyfriend just to be nice and because I love him. Then he would pick up the check for a nice dinner out, just the two of us, the next month or whenever his next allowance came in, because he is nice and loves me. ":::...
See, THIS is the way to go, because this is what loving couples do. Don't make it about being "right", or about "teaching him a lesson". He ALREADY KNOWS he doesn't have the money, and he probably doesn't want to ask you because he knows you are going to rub his nose in it.
Remember this the next time the "you aren't married unless you merge into one being and watch each other poop" people come home to roost.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 10, 2011 13:59:03 GMT -5
BTW, how do you spend $6 at McD in the morning? We go in, get two sausage biscuits, and 2 senior coffees - $3 for the two of us. And they refill our coffee for us. Do they even have something on the breakfast menu that costs $6? It's probably some kind of breakfast meal deal. I like McD's sausage biscuit w/ egg and the meal deal for that is like $4.50 and inludes hashbrowns and oj.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 10, 2011 14:02:45 GMT -5
...:::"I'm taking the $25 back.":::...
OMG I just read this. BAD move.
...:::"Honestly I think the whole thing bothers me because it shows me he is not good at sticking to agreements. And the situation makes me feel badly that I am some evil overly frugal person that won't let him do things he likes. ":::...
YOU broke the agreement first. You spied on his spending and are judging him for it. He never ASKED you for the money, YOU extrapolated. Now you crapped all over what could have been a nice gesture, and you pulled a power move to boot.
If DF ever did this to me, I would start hiding money behind her back JUST out of spite.
I think he should now get full, interest free, subsidy on the trip for you being such a mean wife.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 10, 2011 14:05:25 GMT -5
[quote author=wewillbackgowron board=finance thread=3184 post=121294 time=1297364565 I think he should now get full, interest free, subsidy on the trip for you being such a mean wife.[/quote]
Lol, wife? She's a gf. Which makes all of the suggestions of "just don't let him.." "only give him..." worse.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 10, 2011 14:06:40 GMT -5
I can't imagine nickle and diming DH to death to the point of where I "loan" him $25. It's easier to just give him the $25 and if something crops up later just remind him the money was already spent.
Everyone talks about her not being his mother, yet doesn't telling your boyfriend YOU are going to give him an 'advance on his allowance" make her into his mother because she is deciding how much money he can have and when?
DH and I get into this sometimes even with a communal pot and I've finally decided we can either fight till we get divorced because I consider his spending a waste or I could make it a line item of our budget. He knows that the money he spends on wastes could go to something else if he wants it to.
We're both a lot happier now that I don't constantly harp on him about it and he is free to choose if he wants to spend money on X or Y without me butting in.
As long aswhe does not go over our budget or interfere with long term goals I stay out of what he spends and he stays out of what I spend.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 10, 2011 14:09:07 GMT -5
...:::"I'm taking the $25 back.":::... OMG I just read this. BAD move. ...:::"Honestly I think the whole thing bothers me because it shows me he is not good at sticking to agreements. And the situation makes me feel badly that I am some evil overly frugal person that won't let him do things he likes. ":::... YOU broke the agreement first. You spied on his spending and are judging him for it. He never ASKED you for the money, YOU extrapolated. Now you crapped all over what could have been a nice gesture, and you pulled a power move to boot. If DF ever did this to me, I would start hiding money behind her back JUST out of spite. I think he should now get full, interest free, subsidy on the trip for you being such a mean wife. While I don't agree with the last statement, I'm exalting you for the rest of it.
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Post by jennml on Feb 10, 2011 14:14:44 GMT -5
...:::"But I would've basically responded with "Awww, honey that sucks that you can't afford it." Then, if he straight out asked me to help pay for his trip, I'd say "Sure, pay me back next month." If he can't or doesn't want to pay me back then tough. ":::... Don't say I didn't warn you when the situation is reversed one day and you are on the receiving end of the BS you are spouting here. For $25 stupid dollars, you are buying yourself a long journey on the resentment railroad. Remember this the next time the "you aren't married unless you merge into one being and watch each other poop" people come home to roost. If the situation would be reversed I'd pay him back whatever I borrowed. Down to the last cent. Just because I marry someone doesn't mean we're the same person. My money is mine and his is his. Whatever we agree to combine is for us...fine. Everyone has their own view of what marriage is and that's ok. If you see yourselves as the human caterpillar more power to you. I do not. I love being me with all my good and bad flaws. I am unique and the only people I can never fully repay are my parents. My spouse would be a partner and if I am physically and mentally able to pay my share I will. I expect nothing less from him. This applies whether I'm the high earner or he is.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Feb 10, 2011 14:15:05 GMT -5
I guess I just don't understand how someone could "nickle and dime" their significant other so tightly. Are you the sole breadwinner?
I agree with Hoops. Unexpected things come up, and if I wanted to take some extra money to go hang with friends on a last minute trip, I would use some of the money that I earn every month with my job and go, and no one would tell me differently. Unless your budget is soooo tight right now that there is no room to budge, I don't see the problem. But I'm not the best saver, so my opinion is going to be different from those who are.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 10, 2011 14:17:35 GMT -5
Our situation is kind of the same, kind of different. First, we are married and all money is "ours". However, we each get an "allowance". Since I set up our budget, I set up the amount. It's not equal and never has been. My DH has always gotten more. He still spends more of his allowance than I spend of mine. I just don't have many things to spend it on. So, usually I have "left overs" and he "might' be short. I say "might", bc I really have no clue how much he has or doesn't have.
Here is the difference. Once in a while, I actually give him my left overs, it actually makes my heart smile bc I know he will appreciate it and G-d knows will find 500 things to spend it on. But those 500 things will bring him joy, so why the hell not.
It seems that the current system is not working for you that greatly, so may be split up all your monies and that way each person is on his/her own. Or whatever.
I would give him $25, tell him to enjoy himself, but tell him that you might have to have a conversation when he gets back, bc BELIEVE ME resentment about money and spending habits NEVER EVER go away by themselves.
Lena
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 10, 2011 14:20:35 GMT -5
Because you thought you and your boyfriend were of the same mind, and even though the agreement was $100/month, you thought he would be like you and save every penny and deny himself everything that you believe is frivolous, and now you have to come to grips with the fact that you are (a) not in total control of what your boyfriend does and (b) he doesn't think exactly like you, valuing the exact same things. So, now you have to struggle with the questions of if you and he are on the same page enough to forge forward or are you going to demand he changes to fit your standard of adequate.
Maybe?
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 10, 2011 14:37:50 GMT -5
...:::"I just wish he wouldn't eat at McDoanlds. But that is a topic for a different type of message board!":::...
This thread was more helpful than you think. It seems you've uncovered the REAL reason for your frustration. Have you tried showing him the "how mcnuggets are made" picture of pink goo?
...:::"Lol, wife? She's a gf. Which makes all of the suggestions of "just don't let him.." "only give him..." worse.":::...
I didn't see that, thanks for the clarification.
...:::"If the situation would be reversed I'd pay him back whatever I borrowed. Down to the last cent.":::...
I'm sure you would, and I'm sure he would too, but you are getting ahead of where we are. At this point in time, he may not even get the money, so we may never know how payback works.
I am merely saying that when one party makes the other jump through these hoops, and tries to attach a lesson to it, the other party WILL pounce on the chance to serve up the same medicine, should the situation arise.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 10, 2011 14:39:41 GMT -5
It seems you've uncovered the REAL reason for your frustration. Have you tried showing him the "how mcnuggets are made" picture of pink goo?Seen it, still not as bad as seeing how hot dogs are made.
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Post by jennml on Feb 10, 2011 14:47:13 GMT -5
...:::"If the situation would be reversed I'd pay him back whatever I borrowed. Down to the last cent.":::... I'm sure you would, and I'm sure he would too, but you are getting ahead of where we are. At this point in time, he may not even get the money, so we may never know how payback works. I am merely saying that when one party makes the other jump through these hoops, and tries to attach a lesson to it, the other party WILL pounce on the chance to serve up the same medicine, should the situation arise. Which is why personally I don't want a common pot with allowances, etc. As long as all the bills and savings goals are covered, I could give two **** how he spends his extra money. But there will be guidlines when money is borrowed from each other. Since this would be dicussed well before any such exchange happened, I don't think it'll lead to any passive aggressiveness later on. Now this whole assuming he'd need the $25, saying you'd give it to him, transfering it over, only to ::gasp:: see he a) doesn't really need it and b) went to McDs twice, and then taking it back. Makes no sense and I think is childish. If I told my BF or hubby I was giving him $ (for whatever reason), I'd give it and not expect it back. If after the fact, I regretted the gift I'd just never do it again not take it back.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Feb 10, 2011 15:28:58 GMT -5
So....I hate to put a dent in the wonderful sterotype that women are huge spenders that don't know how to save, but it seems like there's an aweful lot of MEN who are outspending their WOMEN (and don't know how to save). I'm just sayin...
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