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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:10:40 GMT -5
I don't think it's normal to expect one man to be my entire social circle. But different strokes for different folks I guess.
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Post by mox on Aug 24, 2012 12:11:52 GMT -5
"In my mind, the only person who can stop someone from cheating is that person. If DH wants to cheat, he'll find a way to do it, no matter what kind of "restrictions" I put on him. If I wanted to cheat, I'd find a way to cheat. Nothing the other one does can prevent that, so in my mind, not having mutual trust would be much more likely to destroy our relationship."
I agree.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:13:01 GMT -5
No, your spouse replaces half of the meaningful friendships you had.
I can see why they *might* but I don't see why they *must*. There are things I like to discuss with friends that DH doesn't care about, and why should he? There's no rule that we have to share every interest. The reverse would apply also.
I used to date someone who was *really* into gaming (D&D kinda stuff). I tried to go along with it, but I just couldn't get into it. If we had stayed together, and he had a good female friend who liked gaming stuff, I wouldn't have had the slightest problem with them gaming together without me. Like shanendoah said, it would spare me having to do something I didn't enjoy.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:14:26 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure my parents weren't willing to supervise me on dates when I was 30. That might scare teh dudes away too.
Might? I'd run screaming in the opposite direction if I was in my thirties and a potential date suggested we take along a chaperone.
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Post by mox on Aug 24, 2012 12:14:43 GMT -5
Just because I am on a steady diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu though. I am not the cheating type and I would NEVER be a homewrecker. It's just NOT who I am.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 12:16:25 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure my parents weren't willing to supervise me on dates when I was 30. That might scare teh dudes away too. Might? I'd run screaming in the opposite direction if I was in my thirties and a potential date suggested we take along a chaperone. And how does that work when I move away for a job? Do they have to take a road trip to supervise me? Hire a babysitter? Skype during dates. The logistics give me a headache.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 12:17:56 GMT -5
I agree - but we stick with couples events. Not due to any rules, but when my friends and I all got married, I stopped going to dinner with just the 'guy' portion of my friends. Either our friendship drifted away, or we started having dinner as two couples, or, the old gang would get together. But not just me and one other guy. At least not often. I have done it a few times.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:17:58 GMT -5
As a Fundamental Christian you wouldn't be employed outside the home! Isn't the whole premise that wimmen do wimmen's work and men do men's work?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:19:34 GMT -5
I don't think you're required to have every date supervised but the book definitely advocates having parents/family/church members "involved" in your relationship. One example I remember the author suggesting was having dinner with a couple from church you trust and asking them if they observed anything in the relationship that concerned them.
Lots of time with family was also suggested, although I personally don't find that creepy as a stand-alone recommendation. It's one thing if you're forcing it, or NEVER spending time alone as a couple, but as long as it's simply one part of the relationship, I WANT to spend time with my partner's family and I want him to spend time with mine. It would be weird to me if we didn't.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 12:20:11 GMT -5
I didn't say that, nor did I mean to imply that.
I can see that all of you agree that you should just spend as much time as you want with all the guys you want, and there will never be any problems. I disagree.
So, I'm out.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:20:13 GMT -5
I don't think you're required to have every date supervised but the book definitely advocates having parents/family/church members "involved" in your relationship. One example I remember the author suggesting was having dinner with a couple from church you trust and asking them if they observed anything in the relationship that concerned them. Lots of time with family was also suggested, although I personally don't find that creepy as a stand-alone recommendation. It's one thing if you're forcing it, or NEVER spending time alone as a couple, but as long as it's simply one part of the relationship, I WANT to spend time with my partner's family and I want him to spend time with mine. It would be weird to me if we didn't. That is how it used to be in the old country.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:20:22 GMT -5
I agree - but we stick with couples events. Not due to any rules, but when my friends and I all got married, I stopped going to dinner with just the 'guy' portion of my friends. Either our friendship drifted away, or we started having dinner as two couples, or, the old gang would get together. But not just me and one other guy. At least not often. I have done it a few times. Well, now that's different than what I first thought! I thought you were saying that you stopped talking to men altogether after you got married! We are the same way about ending up double dating or doing group stuff.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 24, 2012 12:20:43 GMT -5
Rae...this is a serious question and not one meant to offend (I'm not PC so I hope this is coming across right). Legally, is your dh considered a male? I have had clients that have mandated that two co-workers of the same sex share a hotel room, but I have never seen co-workers of the opposite sex be forced to share a room. That leads me to wonder what your husband's legal status is...at one point is one considered a person of the opposite sex? Does that make any sense? I offend a lot but I am really not intending to this time!lol Legally he is male. This isn't a mandatory conference, so it isn't mandatory room assignments. The company provides him with $x a year for CE, and he can use it anyway he wants, so this year he is going to an out of state conference. It'll get a ton of CE out of the way, and he wants a few days away before we're locked into newborn drudgery again. He wouldn't be going at all if his friend hadn't offered to share the room. There is no way we're shelling out a few hundred dollars for a hotel room right now. I've really tried to come up with a reason that this should bug me, and I can't. If he wanted either of these women he could already be with them. Sharing a room sounds embarrassing and uncomfortable since 99% of what a person does is completely not sexy. So, the only other thing I can come up with is that they'll get so drunk that they sleep together, but I don't see that being anymore likely to happen by rooming in, or being acrossed the hall from each other.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:20:55 GMT -5
I didn't say that, nor did I mean to imply that. I can see that all of you agree that you should just spend as much time as you want with all the guys you want, and there will never be any problems. I disagree. So, I'm out. I'll come with you. Alone. With a bottle of wine.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 24, 2012 12:22:39 GMT -5
I can see that all of you agree that you should just spend as much time as you want with all the guys you want, and there will never be any problems. I disagree.
I agree with you Thyme.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:22:54 GMT -5
I agree - but we stick with couples events. Not due to any rules, but when my friends and I all got married, I stopped going to dinner with just the 'guy' portion of my friends. Either our friendship drifted away, or we started having dinner as two couples, or, the old gang would get together. But not just me and one other guy. At least not often. I have done it a few times.
And as I said, I get that. I hadn't really thought about it that way before but when you have significant responsibilities at home, I don't think it's very nice to go out alone with a member of the opposite sex and leave your partner home with the kids (unless there's a real reason, like an emergency with your friend).
It's one thing to have the occasional "girls night" or "guys night" but one on one "dates" with friends of the opposite sex while your partner is home taking care of stuff... strikes me as less than kosher. I probably wouldn't mind it occasionally, but if it was a regular thing I could imagine having a problem with it.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 12:25:26 GMT -5
when you have significant responsibilities at home, I don't think it's very nice to go out ALL THE TIME with someone of the same sex, either.
I used to golf, play softball, bowl, go away weekends to visit friends, take lots of exercise classes, etc., even after I was married. I don't now. I have kids. My responsiblity is to them.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 24, 2012 12:26:40 GMT -5
when you have significant responsibilities at home, I don't think it's very nice to go out ALL THE TIME with someone of the same sex, either. I used to golf, play softball, bowl, go away weekends to visit friends, take lots of exercise classes, etc., even after I was married. I don't now. I have kids. My responsiblity is to them.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:29:44 GMT -5
Kids suck the life out of life.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:32:39 GMT -5
I used to golf, play softball, bowl, go away weekends to visit friends, take lots of exercise classes, etc., even after I was married. I don't now. I have kids. My responsiblity is to them.
Exactly. Meeting a guy friend for a quick drink after work NOW is a very different thing than it would/will be once we have a baby at home. I think part of it is just perception (technically the effect on your spouse is no different than if you left him/her at home to go have a drink with a same-sex friend, which I would also consider rude if done excessively) but hey, perception matters.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:38:33 GMT -5
I used to golf, play softball, bowl, go away weekends to visit friends, take lots of exercise classes, etc., even after I was married. I don't now. I have kids. My responsiblity is to them. Exactly. Meeting a guy friend for a quick drink after work NOW is a very different thing than it would/will be once we have a baby at home. I think part of it is just perception (technically the effect on your spouse is no different than if you left him/her at home to go have a drink with a same-sex friend, which I would also consider rude if done excessively) but hey, perception matters. ... bingo...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:41:36 GMT -5
When it comes to my relationship the only person's perception that I care about is DH's.
Now that's not to say that I am going to go out and have intimate dinners with every guy I know, but if some harpy starts a rumor about me and some other kid's Dad because we sat next to each other at the little league game I wouldn't bat an eye over it as long as DH realizes what the truth is.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:42:47 GMT -5
...fwiw, I view "leaving a door open" much like wearing a seat belt... sure, there's plenty of anecdotal evidence that says sometimes you want to be ejected from the car, or you're an Ice Road Trucker who would have to houdini it out of a sinking semi... but as a general rule for the masses, avoiding one-on-one, out-of-sight interaction with opposite sex "friends" is wise...
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jaya3300
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Post by jaya3300 on Aug 24, 2012 12:44:27 GMT -5
Do you have a problem with your spouse having friends of the opposite sex? Do you have any yourself, and is your spouse okay with that? Do you think it's a bad idea? Why or why not?
No. DH has a childhood female friend that he keeps in touch with. They talk on the phone occassionally and get together 2-3 times a year. Sometimes I join, sometimes I don't. They never dated but even if they did, I'd be fine with that.
I talk occassionally with an ex boyfriend. DH knows about it and doesn't care. Ex is married, I'm married, and there's no romantic feelings.
Is it a bad idea? It depends on the persons and other factors (transparency, honesty, trust, security, and if there are feelings involved)
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:44:46 GMT -5
When it comes to my relationship the only person's perception that I care about is DH's. Now that's not to say that I am going to go out and have intimate dinners with every guy I know, but if some harpy starts a rumor about me and some other kid's Dad because we sat next to each other at the little league game I wouldn't bat an eye over it as long as DH realizes what the truth is. ...and some harpy's rumors can get you transferred, canned, or worse... that's realistic, too...
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:45:34 GMT -5
I used to golf, play softball, bowl, go away weekends to visit friends, take lots of exercise classes, etc., even after I was married. I don't now. I have kids. My responsiblity is to them. Exactly. Meeting a guy friend for a quick drink after work NOW is a very different thing than it would/will be once we have a baby at home. I think part of it is just perception (technically the effect on your spouse is no different than if you left him/her at home to go have a drink with a same-sex friend, which I would also consider rude if done excessively) but hey, perception matters. ... bingo... Yeah, but I still think there's a difference between a spouse's "perception" that hey, maybe it's not fair that my wife is basically on a date with another man while I'm home taking care of our kid and a coworker's (unreasonable) perception that two people of the opposite sex are behind closed doors so there MUST be something going on between them besides work. One is pretty reasonable IMO, the other is just plain weird. I think anyone that would be thinking along those lines based SOLELY on the fact that they are in an office alone with the door closed has too much time on their hands.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:45:44 GMT -5
When it comes to my relationship the only person's perception that I care about is DH's. Now that's not to say that I am going to go out and have intimate dinners with every guy I know, but if some harpy starts a rumor about me and some other kid's Dad because we sat next to each other at the little league game I wouldn't bat an eye over it as long as DH realizes what the truth is. ...and some harpy's rumors can get you transferred, canned, or worse... that's realistic, too... Not where I work. ETA: An office of 20 workers and all of them are related in one way or another.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:47:10 GMT -5
...then you're an Ice Road Trucker... lucky duck...
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 24, 2012 12:47:35 GMT -5
New SIL deleted DB's female friends from his facebook account while he was at work. And he still married her......
Shoot, my husband took his co-worker out to a REALLY nice lunch and got her flowers the other day for her birthday. I told him to give her my birthday wishes as well. But he always tells me beforehand when he's going to do something like that (not asking for my permission, just being courteous).
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 24, 2012 12:47:36 GMT -5
Before we started subletting my boss and I were the only people in our office. We were literally always behind closed doors. eta to fix embarrassing typo...
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