Spouses having opposite-sex friends - okay w/you?

[raeoflyte]

Aug 24, 2012 10:55:40 GMT -5 Firebird said:

dh is going on a conference out of state and staying in a hotel room with 2 women.

I'd definitely be weirded out by them staying in the same room... I wouldn't try to stop him or anything but I would raise an eyebrow. That sounds downright strange to me. I can't imagine why coworkers would need to share a hotel room on a business trip.

He has to pay for it out of pocket. He gets some money for work, but the conference fee and plane tickets eat up all but $150 which will be food. So we could pay for a car rental and a cheap hotel room with a commute to the conference, or we could pay a couple hundred a night for him to stay in the hotel the conference is at. Neither of which sound appealing.

Either way he'll be out of state for several days with a bunch of his young hot co-workers. Does sharing a room make him any more likely to cheat on me than not sharing a room?

[swamp]

Aug 24, 2012 10:57:26 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I know people (my sister being one of them) that destroyed all the pictures of them with previous boyfriends/girlfriends. It seemed extreme to me, although I guess I could understand not really wanting a huge photo album with my husband's ex sitting around, but whatever. The weird part with my sister is that she never really had a "boyfriend" - she went on a couple of dates, but nothing really serious. So, she destroyed her prom pictures of her with a guy that I'm not even sure they dated. Prom pictures are such an awesome piece of hilarious, horrible history. I just can't imagine getting rid of those gems. They are perfect time capsules of hair and clothing styles. I love them - even if I don't know the people. But, hers are gone. She couldn't show them to her daughters. We can't laugh about them on her 70th birthday.

I've tossed out some pictures/mementos of one ex, because i'd laugh if he got run over by a truck, but the rest i have fond memories of so I woudln't want to get rid of the pictures. they were a part of my life. it's not like i have a shrine to them or anything, or anything is conspicuously displayed, though.

[Opti]

Aug 24, 2012 10:50:28 GMT -5 swamp said:

Aug 24, 2012 10:48:15 GMT -5 Firebird said:

I should add, in the case of the couple in the OP they both have a history of cheating with people that they met online - in fact, that's how they met haha. They were both in relationships with other people (IIRC) when they started chatting online, and things progressed from there.

So they see this rule as reasonable prudence given their "weakness" in this area.

I'm not sure I'd hop in a relationship with someone I cheated with, because you got yourself a cheater.

I would also think the reason they cheated is they wanted something new and exciting and that tendency won't cease to exist just because they are avoiding the opposite sex on social media.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

Aug 24, 2012 10:57:27 GMT -5 Firebird said:

...I'll admit that I find it surprising that *most* of you find it "extreme" to "leave a door open" when working one on one with an opposite sex coworker...

I don't think it's the worst idea in the world, just totally unworkable for most people. I know it would be unworkable for me. If you're an engineer or something maybe you can get away with that, but in my area confidential stuff is discussed on a daily basis. We can't risk random people overhearing a lot of the conversations we have.

...true, which presumably is why office windows and door glass is prolific in the workplace... iow, imo, it's not just the religious people who recogize the fragility of reputation...

[swasat]

Aug 24, 2012 10:55:41 GMT -5 BeenThere...DoneThat... said:

...I'll admit that I find it surprising that *most* of you find it "extreme" to "leave a door open" when working one on one with an opposite sex coworker...

I do find it extreme. If you work in a office setting keeping the door open during a meeting is not always feasible. There are people working around you who might get disturbed. Sometimes the nature of the discussion is confidential. What do you do then? Tell the male colleague that confidentiality be damned, I'll only work with you if you change your gender? Doesn't work that way. If you work with opposite genders then certain professionalism is expected.

My boss is a male. I have to sit down with him time to time and discuss the employees reviews or some initiatives that are still not open to the rest of the employees. There is no way that discussion can happen with open doors.

[thyme4change]

should the world really be denied this:

[swamp]

Thyme, please tell me that is your own prom picture? Pretty please?

[susanb]

DH is friends with some exes and some women. My only boundary is that he not go to their houses/apartments alone.

I am glad that he likes women well enough to be friends with them. I think it says a lot about the type of guy he is. However, I have noticed that some of his female relationships have naturally grown weaker since we have been married. He just doesn't have as much time for them as he did when he was single.

[Firebird]

I know people (my sister being one of them) that destroyed all the pictures of them with previous boyfriends/girlfriends.

The ONLY reason I would find a request to destroy old photos acceptable would be if the partner in question had them on display all over the house and/or seemed to be carrying a torch for the ex (in which case... not sure destroying the pics is really going to solve the problem but whatever).

But if DH asked me to get rid of photos of my exes just on principle, I'd really have to question his level of trust in me. Those pictures are part of my past. It's not like I flip through them on a daily basis but I do like having them.

I heard a story once where a woman who'd been widowed was about to be remarried, and her husband-to-be tried to insist she get rid of her late husband's photos (which WERE on display in the house). I found that pretty ridiculous. Most of the pics he was complaining about were family photos (late DH with the woman and their kids), representing a chapter and a person in their lives that was gone forever.

Personally, I would have had to seriously rethink the idea of marrying anyone who wanted me to get rid of photos of a previous husband who had DIED. Divorce is one thing, but death is quite another.

[Firebird]

...btw, FB... you might wanna modify your post with the given name... ?

Which one? Audrey? That's her screen name on YM, not her actual name. Let me know if I let someone else's name slip by mistake...

[Miss Tequila]

I am not a jealous person...I'm sure my husband has female friends on his FB page...to be honest, I don't ever stalk his wall to find out. I have a ton of male friends on my wall and my husband doesn't care.

I also travel quite a bit for work and have had to travel alone with male colleagues. Only one time did my husband make a comment about it and that was because my boss asked me to go on a beach walk at midnight...that bothered my husband.

I probably would be uncomfortable if my husband went out with one of his female friends...yet years ago I sent him out to watch football with my bff at the time (a very gorgeous blonde). I never considered them hooking up...the thought honestly never crossed my mind.

On the flip side, I have seen male/female friendships develop to inappropriate levels so I might not be as comfortable now as I was when I was younger. I don't know as it hasn't been an issue.

[susanb]

Aug 24, 2012 11:01:08 GMT -5 BeenThere...DoneThat... said:

Aug 24, 2012 10:57:27 GMT -5 Firebird said:

...I'll admit that I find it surprising that *most* of you find it "extreme" to "leave a door open" when working one on one with an opposite sex coworker...

I don't think it's the worst idea in the world, just totally unworkable for most people. I know it would be unworkable for me. If you're an engineer or something maybe you can get away with that, but in my area confidential stuff is discussed on a daily basis. We can't risk random people overhearing a lot of the conversations we have.

...true, which presumably is why office windows and door glass is prolific in the workplace... iow, imo, it's not just the religious people who recogize the fragility of reputation...

Been there, are you retired or currently in the workforce?

No one I work with has ever had their reputation questioned for having a closed door meeting, but refusing to close the door due to gender would ruin my reputation as a grown woman and a professional in a heartbeat.

[Deleted]

Aug 24, 2012 10:55:41 GMT -5 BeenThere...DoneThat... said:

...I'll admit that I find it surprising that *most* of you find it "extreme" to "leave a door open" when working one on one with an opposite sex coworker...

Not extreme, just unnecessary.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

Aug 24, 2012 11:06:39 GMT -5 Firebird said:

...btw, FB... you might wanna modify your post with the given name... ?

Which one? Audrey? That's her screen name on YM, not her actual name. Let me know if I let someone else's name slip by mistake...

...okay, sorry... I thought maybe you meant loop...

[thyme4change]

Thyme, please tell me that is your own prom picture? Pretty please?

Oh man - I wish! But, alas, it is not. I didn't really ever achieve that hair.

[Firebird]

Either way he'll be out of state for several days with a bunch of his young hot co-workers. Does sharing a room make him any more likely to cheat on me than not sharing a room?

No, but I can see where it would make some people uncomfortable. If it's a case of saving money by having a bunch of people bunk in the same room, that's one thing and I could get behind that (nothing's going to happen at the equivalent of a giant slumber party).

But sharing a room with ONE coworker is inherently much more intimate (I think) than sharing a wall even if you never touch each other the whole night. Two would be kind of iffy for most people, I think.

[Firebird]

Aug 24, 2012 11:08:29 GMT -5 BeenThere...DoneThat... said:

Aug 24, 2012 11:06:39 GMT -5 Firebird said:

...btw, FB... you might wanna modify your post with the given name... ?

Which one? Audrey? That's her screen name on YM, not her actual name. Let me know if I let someone else's name slip by mistake...

...okay, sorry... I thought maybe you meant loop...

No, that's not Loop's real name I still have yet to meet her... thought I'd get my chance a couple weeks ago but FAIL.

I appreciate the heads up, though. I've been known to accidentally post names now and then without thinking.

[swamp]

Aug 24, 2012 11:09:22 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Thyme, please tell me that is your own prom picture? Pretty please?

Oh man - I wish! But, alas, it is not. I didn't really ever achieve that hair.

I didn't either. I was an 80's failure.

[Deleted]

Me three.

[Deleted]

But Tina has been carrying the torch for all of us for 20 years now!

[Deleted]

DH is pretty exceptional. He knows I cheated on my first husband with a colleague and has met the guy at conferences and greeted him cordially. When the guy wanted to have a private conversation with me to talk about his personal problems, DH was OK with it. The discussion took place poolside with people all around, and DH knows that the colleague has some issues that would keep me from getting involved again.

A few years ago I connected with a former college classmate I'd dated a few times- purely platonic. It turned out he had a mad crush on me and had been kicking himself for the last 30 years over losing touch with me. (What can I tell ya- I'm unforgettable.) He's visited the house twice (with DH here) and we exchange e-mails fairly frequently. There's never been anything in the e-mails that either his wife or DH would find alarming. Heck, if DH wanted to do some digging on his computer he could automatically log into my Gmail account and read it all. I don't care.

And I've been traveling with male colleagues on business since before I knew DH. Good thing he's secure.

[Firebird]

No one I work with has ever had their reputation questioned for having a closed door meeting, but refusing to close the door due to gender would ruin my reputation as a grown woman and a professional in a heartbeat.



Frankly, I can't imagine a scenario where two coworkers working alone in an office with the door closed would be cause for concern to anyone.

Most of our conference rooms DO have glass walls, but not the offices themselves. And if you just need to have a ten minute chat with someone to follow up on an interview candidate, you're not going to go find a conference room every single time. It's simply not practical.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

...door/office windows and glass conference rooms do count, imo, as "leaving the door open" in a workplace... yes, every workplace may not offer these... but I said it's wisest to do so... it avoids misunderstandings... why is doing your best to avoid that kind of confusion "extreme"?

...fwiw, my work experience spreads between private, and public service... not retired...



...I guess I should've put my flame suit on for this thread, huh? ;D

[swamp]

He knows I cheated on my first husband with a colleague and has met the guy at conferences and greeted him cordially. When the guy wanted to have a private conversation with me to talk about his personal problems, DH was OK with it.

But your ex husband was such a collosal asshat that you get a free pass for cheating. I probably would have too. If I didn't smother him in his sleep first.

[shanendoah]

Pretty much every meeting I have with my male boss requires a closed door. We are most often discussing budget or personnel issues. Those are confidential and we could both be fired if staff were to overhear what we were saying. It would never occur to me to not be able to close the door when having a meeting with my boss.
If it helps other people feel better, though, our offices all have windows that look out on the work space and neither of us ever closes the blinds- so anyone walking by can see us sitting in either of our offices having our meeting.

At the same time, neither DH nor I would ever tell the other they couldn't hang out with another person- no matter what. Even the girl DH had a relationship with while we were on a break (a real one), he still talks to and used to hang out with before we moved. In fact, after years of not talking to her, they happened to be on FaceBook at the same time just about a month ago and chatted. With her, because of their history, I have one request- that DH tells me when he talks to her. He doesn't have to tell me what the conversation was about or anything, I just like to know they chatted. In this last case, they chatted online at about 1am (I was asleep) and DH told me about the next evening pretty much the first chance he had.
There was a girl in his classes and groups (his college had a lot of group projects) this last quarter who was totally his type. She even told him that if we had an open relationship, she would totally be interested. He still met with her one on one a couple times to work on group projects, had lunch with her, etc.
In my mind, trying to force him to not have contact with other women would make it more likely that he would cheat.

On the other side of the table- both of our last roommate have been male friends. We hang out all the time. Sometimes when DH doesn't feel like doing something with me that I don't want to do alone, the roommie will go with me.
Just a couple of years ago, we took a trip to visit the best man from our wedding- who also happened to be one of my exes. He and I got up in the morning to have a nice long talk while DH slept.

In my mind, the only person who can stop someone from cheating is that person. If DH wants to cheat, he'll find a way to do it, no matter what kind of "restrictions" I put on him. If I wanted to cheat, I'd find a way to cheat. Nothing the other one does can prevent that, so in my mind, not having mutual trust would be much more likely to destroy our relationship.

[Firebird]

...I guess I should've put my flame suit on for this thread, huh? ;D

I'm not trying to flame you, I just disagree. Yes, it would probably be "safest" to have glass walls everywhere in the office but short of going in and replacing all the opaque walls, that's not going to happen. And if your conduct is above reproach, you shouldn't need to worry about the occasional one on one behind closed doors that's necessary for business reasons.

I hate to say it but susanb is right - there's an excellent chance that people at my work would think much less of a coworker who refused on principle to be alone with members of the opposite sex for any reason, ever. I'm sure we'd accommodate the person to the best of our ability, but I think their image as a professional would take a major hit.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

but I said it's wisest to do so... it avoids misunderstandings... why is doing your best to avoid that kind of confusion "extreme"?

Because if someone overheard us talking about patient information and then told HR we could lose our jobs?

I'd rather risk some "misunderstanding" about what is going on in the office than risk both my boss and myself losing our jobs.

I don't care what others think about me, I do care about paying my bills.

[imawino]

Aug 24, 2012 11:04:50 GMT -5 swamp said:

Thyme, please tell me that is your own prom picture? Pretty please?

That's exactly what I was wishing!!!

[Deleted]

In my mind, the only person who can stop someone from cheating is that person. f DH wants to cheat, he'll find a way to do it, no matter what kind of "restrictions" I put on him. If I wanted to cheat, I'd find a way to cheat. Nothing the other one does can prevent that, so in my mind, not having mutual trust would be much more likely to destroy our relationship.

[swamp]

If I couldn't meet with males privately, I would lose half my client base. Probably more since criminal defendants tend to be male.

However, I also get why you may be leery in some situations of being alone. When I was an Asst. DA, one of my jobs was to sit with the DA when he spoke with some of the female witnesses/victims behind closed doors. A few were whacky.