Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 11:24:58 GMT -5
In my mind, the only person who can stop someone from cheating is that person. If DH wants to cheat, he'll find a way to do it, no matter what kind of "restrictions" I put on him. If I wanted to cheat, I'd find a way to cheat. Nothing the other one does can prevent that, so in my mind, not having mutual trust would be much more likely to destroy our relationship. I wouldn't care if DH was friendly with his exes. I'm only friendly with one of mine, and we dated for such a short period (~2 months versus 5-6 years of friendship) that I think of him less as my ex and more as my very dear friend who happens to be a guy. He also lives almost 3,000 miles away and I haven't seen him since the end of 2008. Our relationship now is limited to the phone and email, although I am hoping he'll get a chance to come visit us sometime in the near future to meet DH and our baby girl. If this PARTICULAR friend lived in town, I wouldn't have any issue (nor would I expect DH to have an issue) with meeting him for lunch or coffee during work days now and then without DH. But like Thyme said, I wouldn't specifically leave DH with the baby so I could go hang out with him alone - that would be more like a date, and after Babybird arrives I want to save babyless date hours for DH.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 11:25:05 GMT -5
But I ROCKED the 90's. I had the spiral and the bangs!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 11:28:48 GMT -5
I had curly hair in the eighties. It was about two inches long
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 24, 2012 11:29:59 GMT -5
Thyme/swamp: My highschool BFF (who was a year ahead of me in school) is now married to my senior prom date. We were all part of the same group of friends in school. When he decided not to go to his senior prom, I threatened to take him to mine- and then carried out that threat. BFF LOVED it when I posted a senior prom picture on FB.
Other Pictures: My step-mother had a fit because my grandparents didn't remove all pictures with my mother in them after the divorce. My grandparents are the people whose hallway is lined with family pictures, and they have some great ones from when my brother and I were really little. Naturally, those family pictures contain both my father and my mother. Reactions like this might be why my mother would have been welcome at my grandmother's funeral, but my step-mother was not...
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 24, 2012 11:30:22 GMT -5
Either way he'll be out of state for several days with a bunch of his young hot co-workers. Does sharing a room make him any more likely to cheat on me than not sharing a room? No, but I can see where it would make some people uncomfortable. If it's a case of saving money by having a bunch of people bunk in the same room, that's one thing and I could get behind that (nothing's going to happen at the equivalent of a giant slumber party). But sharing a room with ONE coworker is inherently much more intimate (I think) than sharing a wall even if you never touch each other the whole night. Two would be kind of iffy for most people, I think. I can see where it would make people uncomfortable as well, but ONLY because of their own insecurities or trust issues with their partner. There isn't any other reason that I can come up with. As others have said--you want to cheat, you're going to find a way to cheat.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 11:30:50 GMT -5
I had curly hair in the eighties. It was about two inches long HAR-DE-HAR-HAR << walks away grumbling about young whippersnappers >>
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 11:35:04 GMT -5
I can see where it would make people uncomfortable as well, but ONLY because of their own insecurities or trust issues with their partner. There isn't any other reason that I can come up with. As others have said--you want to cheat, you're going to find a way to cheat.
I agree. Like I said, I think I'd be fine with it. But I wouldn't think less of someone who preferred their spouse not share a room with someone of the opposite sex on what is supposed to be a business trip.
I don't think that feeling uncomfortable with certain forms of opposite sex interaction automatically qualifies someone as insecure. It sort of depends on the reasonableness of the objection, the relationship between the spouses, and their history.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 11:36:03 GMT -5
I think the difference isn't opportunity - it is desire. And what so often happens is that you start getting closer to someone, but further away from someone else. It starts out innocent enough, and grows. And then one day you think "I may be married to the wrong person." The desire to cheat isn't binary "Yes, I will cheat" or "No, I will not cheat" but a complicated thought process involving illogical emotions that are based on so many things - how fulfilled you are at work, how exciting your home life is, what your spouse is focusing on, if your kids are making you crazy, body image problems and emotional problems you've carried around since junior high, how your dad treated your mom, etc. etc. Generally, when I spend a lot of time with people, I'm reminded that I am super happy to be married to my husband. But, I can't guarantee that will happen every single time. It is just a path I won't start down. It isn't worth it to me.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 24, 2012 11:40:51 GMT -5
I don't have a spouse, but when/if I ever do, I think those rules are kind of crazy. I'd expect I'd trust my spouse, if I don't then we have far more serious issues than if I have female friends. Likewise, I expect to be trusted to exercise good judgement. If you can't respect my judgement then we also have major issues.
Just as a general comment, I would HATE having a spouse that puts a bunch of "rules" on me. I realize you have to work as a team and you need to consider your spouse. But I would really balk at a bunch of "don'ts." I'm an adult and I expect to be treated like one. Someone saying I couldn't choose who my friends are or even consult with a female colluege would be very stiffeling.
It would be pretty tough to never be alone with a female co worker, especially since my boss is a lady.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 24, 2012 11:47:00 GMT -5
Thyme: Oh, I agree, it is definitely desire. The girl DH worked with in group this last quarter- I met her once, we talked for maybe 5-10 minutes, and I totally knew she was DH's type. When I mentioned it to him, he was surprised, because it had taken him months (they'd been in other classes together before this one) to realize he was attracted to her. But I do think the fact that he and I can talk about that, that we joke about the fact that there's a cute young thing interested in him (and she totally would have broken the "half your age +7 rule), is one of those things that helps him remember that he married the "right" person. Every relationship is different. But I wouldn't stand for DH trying to put restrictions on who my friends are, so I don't put restrictions on who his friends are.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 11:47:11 GMT -5
These rules are crazy - but there is also a norm. Would you think it okay to have your wife go out every night with the same guy? And then the one billion combinations between "Don't ever look another man in the eye" and "Go ahead and date all you want." Do you want the norm to be that there is one guy who she talks to often, and sees several times a week, and dresses up and does her hair and goes out with? One guy who she giggles with, and sends texts and pictures. And maybe that guy doesn't come at the beginning of the marriage, but suddenly starts showing up around year 8, when she stopped wearing make-up for you, and your sex life is (at best) routine, and you know all of each other's stories, so sometimes you sit together and don't have anything to say. This guy appears after she is fed up with your dirty underpants, and the fact that after asking you for years, you never rinse the toothpaste spit out of the sink, and you guys have to fuss at each other every time you discuss money because your goals aren't the same. You know she's been unhappy in her job, but not really knowing what to do - but this new friend, makes her smile, and they are going out to dinner. And you are sitting home eating a ham sandwich, with a toddler who is throwing a temper tantrum and the house is a mess. But, you trust her.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 11:48:23 GMT -5
These rules are crazy - but there is also a norm. Would you think it okay to have your wife go out every night with the same guy? And then the one billion combinations between "Don't ever look another man in the eye" and "Go ahead and date all you want." Do you want the norm to be that there is one guy who she talks to often, and sees several times a week, and dresses up and does her hair and goes out with? One guy who she giggles with, and sends texts and pictures. And maybe that guy doesn't come at the beginning of the marriage, but suddenly starts showing up around year 8, when she stopped wearing make-up for you, and your sex life is (at best) routine, and you know all of each other's stories, so sometimes you sit together and don't have anything to say. This guy appears after she is fed up with your dirty underpants, and the fact that after asking you for years, you never rinse the toothpaste spit out of the sink, and you guys have to fuss at each other every time you discuss money because your goals aren't the same. You know she's been unhappy in her job, but not really knowing what to do - but this new friend, makes her smile, and they are going out to dinner. And you are sitting home eating a ham sandwich, with a toddler who is throwing a temper tantrum and the house is a mess. But, you trust her. Thyme, switch to decaf.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 11:49:05 GMT -5
I'm mixing rock star and monster.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 24, 2012 11:50:45 GMT -5
I'm mixing rock star and monster. Well there's your problem
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 11:51:03 GMT -5
I'm mixing rock star and monster.
Add some ephedrine and you'll really have a fun Friday (and/or your heart will stop).
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 24, 2012 11:51:13 GMT -5
I'm mixing rock star and monster. <<wonders if she can figure out exactly where Thyme before it wears off>>
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 11:51:36 GMT -5
I'm mixing rock star and monster. add some jagermeister and you've got yourself a drink.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 11:52:45 GMT -5
I'm mixing rock star and monster. add some jagermeister and you've got yourself a drink. And the perfect situation to sleep with a co-worker in a supply closet.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 11:54:09 GMT -5
Actually, I've barely started my first cup of coffee. But, what I described isn't "out there" crazy. And I'm not going to do that to my husband.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 11:54:57 GMT -5
add some jagermeister and you've got yourself a drink. And the perfect situation to sleep with a co-worker in a supply closet. sweetie, that's not sleeping, that's fucking.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 24, 2012 11:58:08 GMT -5
I think there's a slight difference between friend of the opposite sex you had from before marriage, or even the relationship, and friend of the opposite sex you meet x years into the marriage. I think the latter deserves much more caution and consideration of your spouse. I still wouldn't like it if I was told not to hang out with them, but I don't think it's a friendship that should operate completely seperate from your spouse unless they are OK with it.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:04:32 GMT -5
I think there's a slight difference between friend of the opposite sex you had from before marriage, or even the relationship, and friend of the opposite sex you meet x years into the marriage.
Sometimes I like to reread books that I read during my Christian fundie days, and one of those was I Kissed Dating Goodbye*. One surprising/unpleasant idea it promotes is that you should have a lot of friends of the opposite sex when you're single (because you're all brothers and sisters in Christ and it's good to learn about the cootie-ridden sex before you get married, etc.) but none after you're married. Same-sex friends only!
So how does that work then? You've spent years as a single person developing friendships with lots of people and then you get married and suddenly you don't see half of them anymore? That struck me as deeply disturbing, like your spouse is supposed to replace every meaningful friendship you've had with anyone else in your life.
*For the uninitiated, it advocates waiting to date until you're ready to get married, refraining from most or all physical contact with potential future spouses and, basically, engaging in "courtship," preferably supervised by your parents, instead of dating. Very popular book/idea in certain Christian circles.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 24, 2012 12:05:26 GMT -5
Rae...this is a serious question and not one meant to offend (I'm not PC so I hope this is coming across right). Legally, is your dh considered a male? I have had clients that have mandated that two co-workers of the same sex share a hotel room, but I have never seen co-workers of the opposite sex be forced to share a room. That leads me to wonder what your husband's legal status is...at one point is one considered a person of the opposite sex?
Does that make any sense? I offend a lot but I am really not intending to this time!lol
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 12:05:59 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure my parents weren't willing to supervise me on dates when I was 30. That might scare teh dudes away too.
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Post by mox on Aug 24, 2012 12:06:48 GMT -5
"Do you have a problem with your spouse having friends of the opposite sex? Do you have any yourself, and is your spouse okay with that? Do you think it's a bad idea? Why or why not?"
*I don't have a problem as long as it is work-related or within our close group of friends. I have friends of the opposite sex within our circle and so does he. My husband has business acquaintances of the opposite sex and I understand that. All of them are quite professional and I don't worry. After all these years, I am beyond the jealousy phase...it comes down to trust. I trust him and he trusts me. I have NEVER emailed with anyone of the opposite sex (except for my brothers)...for me personally, it's just not something I would feel was appropriate. I pm a few male peeps here, but it is strictly platonic/joking around. They would tell you that too.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 12:07:36 GMT -5
No, your spouse replaces half of the meaningful friendships you had.
My social life is pretty different now than it was before I met my husband. I don't find it sad. I find it normal.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 12:09:18 GMT -5
What if I text pictures of me having sex with my new bff? That makes it OK, right?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 12:09:48 GMT -5
No, your spouse replaces half of the meaningful friendships you had. My social life is pretty different now than it was before I met my husband. I don't find it sad. I find it normal. Mine's different too, but it would be weird if the social life didn't involve any men.
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Post by mox on Aug 24, 2012 12:09:56 GMT -5
"I have never seen co-workers of the opposite sex be forced to share a room."
That would SOOOOO not fly with me. I'd be retaining a divorce attorney.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 24, 2012 12:10:12 GMT -5
These rules are crazy - but there is also a norm. Would you think it okay to have your wife go out every night with the same guy? And then the one billion combinations between "Don't ever look another man in the eye" and "Go ahead and date all you want." Do you want the norm to be that there is one guy who she talks to often, and sees several times a week, and dresses up and does her hair and goes out with? One guy who she giggles with, and sends texts and pictures. And maybe that guy doesn't come at the beginning of the marriage, but suddenly starts showing up around year 8, when she stopped wearing make-up for you, and your sex life is (at best) routine, and you know all of each other's stories, so sometimes you sit together and don't have anything to say. This guy appears after she is fed up with your dirty underpants, and the fact that after asking you for years, you never rinse the toothpaste spit out of the sink, and you guys have to fuss at each other every time you discuss money because your goals aren't the same. You know she's been unhappy in her job, but not really knowing what to do - but this new friend, makes her smile, and they are going out to dinner. And you are sitting home eating a ham sandwich, with a toddler who is throwing a temper tantrum and the house is a mess. But, you trust her. That is the beginning of an emotional affair, and if you can't talk to your spouse about it (and if your spouse isn't aware enough to see the issue) you're probably doomed anyway. If I saw that happening with dh, you bet I'd be talking with him about it, my feelings, my concerns for what it meant for us, blah,blahblah. Unless I was so relieved to get rid of him for the night that I preferred the tantrum-ing toddler and ham sandwich. But again, that would mean we were pretty well close to doomed. I agree that you can have boundaries for yourself. You can't make your spouse adopt your boundaries as their own (if they don't want to) to reduce their chances of cheating.
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