Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 10:24:53 GMT -5
I found out a couple days ago that an acquaintance of mine has an agreement with her husband - neither of them are allowed to "friend" people of the opposite sex on Facebook except family members. Likewise, they agree not to be alone with any adults of the opposite sex other than family (I don't know what the guy does if he has a meeting with a female colleague... leaves the door cracked maybe?).
A little extreme? I think so, but a few months ago when I went to meet two fellow YMers, one of them male, in the city after work and mentioned it to a friend, she expressed surprise that DH was "okay with that." I replied that he hadn't said anything and that quite honestly, it wouldn't have occurred to me that he might have a problem with it.
Now, I have zero history of either being cheated on or cheating on someone else. So I can understand why people who do would feel differently. It's one of those things that's specific to a couple and their particular relationship.
Do you have a problem with your spouse having friends of the opposite sex? Do you have any yourself, and is your spouse okay with that? Do you think it's a bad idea? Why or why not?
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 10:27:44 GMT -5
...not being alone with opposite sex coworkers (leaving door open) is wisest, imo...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 10:27:51 GMT -5
I have never cheated nor been cheated on either. DH and I both have opposite sex friends and it never occurred to either of us to tell the other that we weren't "allowed" to see these people once we were married.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 10:27:58 GMT -5
That is a little extreme. I admit, though, I would be uncomfortable if my wife had a good friend of the opposite sex and I know she would feel the same way.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 24, 2012 10:28:20 GMT -5
DH has friends of the opposite sex and I have no problems with it. He doesn't have any problems with my friends either.
I think if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat, refusing to let them have female friends isn't going to stop him from banging his secretary or a co-worker. Unless you are going to chain them to the bed and never let them leave they will encounter someone from the opposite sex besides you eventually.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 10:28:21 GMT -5
IF you can't trust your spouse, who can you trust?
A lot extreme.
No.
Yes, and yes. He wouldn't be my spouse if he wasn't.
No
Neither of us are jealous insecure freaks.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 10:29:02 GMT -5
...not being alone with opposite sex coworkers (leaving door open) is wisest, imo... My business partner is male. He's 65 and looks like a walrus, so that might play a role in it though.........
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 24, 2012 10:30:26 GMT -5
Oh shit, my boss and I are alone with the door closed when we do my performance review because it is supposed to be confidential. Should DH be worried?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 10:34:36 GMT -5
I am a little more careful with being friends with men. Facebook is fine. But I don't go out with one man and no one else. The exception is when I'm on a business trip. So, I guess it isn't a 'tempting' thing as much as a time thing. I don't go out often - there are a lot of obligations in my house. I'm not going to ask my husband to pick up the kids and run them around so I can go have fun with another guy. If I'm going to take that kind of time, I'm going to do it with him. I would also prefer to go with my husband than any 'girlfriends' too - but I have gone out a couple nights with a couple of girls.
A group of guys that I work with - some from in-town and some from out of town were going to meet in a hotel room and play cards. They invited me. I was really excited to be included - but I could tell everyone was uncomfortable with the situation. So, I ended up inviting them to my house, and my husband stayed and hung out with us. I think 'the guys' felt a lot more comfortable about that.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 10:36:27 GMT -5
This is nuts
My wife has four real close friends
3 are women, but one is a guy.....
I have zero issue with it...never have, never will
I completely and totally trust my wife...as she i hope does me
She is very independent, and i like it that way
I go on trips to play poker....she goes on trips to buy antiques
If you cant trust your spouse, you are married to the "wrong" person
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 24, 2012 10:44:51 GMT -5
Not married, but I've always had more guy friends than guys. Two of the three people I call my best friends are guys. I'd have a big problem if anyone I was dating told me to stop hanging out with them *gasp* one on one, it'd never get to the point of marriage. In fact, a previous bf had a problem and I told him to get over it or leave.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 10:45:13 GMT -5
...not being alone with opposite sex coworkers (leaving door open) is wisest, imo...
Sometimes it really can't be avoided. There are fifteen people on my immediate team (four women, eleven men). If we need to discuss a confidential issue with someone, we have to close the door. And sometimes it's just two of us. Nothing we can do about it.
I don't think people who don't like their spouse having opposite sex friends are "jealous insecure freaks" because there are a lot of reasons someone might not like it. But I personally don't mind. I've never been a jealous person.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Aug 24, 2012 10:45:46 GMT -5
IF you can't trust your spouse, who can you trust? A lot extreme. No. Yes, and yes. He wouldn't be my spouse if he wasn't. No Neither of us are jealous insecure freaks. Sooooooooo So.Much.This. My thoughts match swamp's so much I fear she is my long lost sister. I have male friends. I even go out to movies etc with them ( in a group of people of course) and DH has never had any problems with it. He would be fine me going and meeting my friends alone too. HE knows there is no hanky panky going on so he has never raised concern. Same is the case with me. In fact I think its healthy to have friends from both genders. Gives one a all round perspective.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 10:48:15 GMT -5
I should add, in the case of the couple in the OP they both have a history of cheating with people that they met online - in fact, that's how they met haha. They were both in relationships with other people (IIRC) when they started chatting online, and things progressed from there.
So they see this rule as reasonable prudence given their "weakness" in this area.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Aug 24, 2012 10:50:23 GMT -5
I should add, in the case of the couple in the OP they both have a history of cheating with people that they met online - in fact, that's how they met haha. They were both in relationships with other people (IIRC) when they started chatting online, and things progressed from there. So they see this rule as reasonable prudence given their "weakness" in this area. It makes sense then. They have a history that bellies their trust in each other.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 10:50:28 GMT -5
I should add, in the case of the couple in the OP they both have a history of cheating with people that they met online - in fact, that's how they met haha. They were both in relationships with other people (IIRC) when they started chatting online, and things progressed from there. So they see this rule as reasonable prudence given their "weakness" in this area. I'm not sure I'd hop in a relationship with someone I cheated with, because you got yourself a cheater.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 24, 2012 10:50:45 GMT -5
IF you can't trust your spouse, who can you trust? A lot extreme. No. Yes, and yes. He wouldn't be my spouse if he wasn't. No Neither of us are jealous insecure freaks. To everything, although dh works with a bunch of young hot girls and I still don't care. They get together every few weeks for margarita breakfast outside of work, and dh is going on a conference out of state and staying in a hotel room with 2 women. Maybe I'm cocky, but I know what I have to offer and if he decides he wants something different he's welcome to go after it. I ran into a highschool friend who mentioned that she couldn't get together with an old ex because it made her husband uncomfortable. (She and I had both dated the ex at different times in highschool). I really didn't know what to say, as that is SO not how it works in our house. My dh hangs with one of his ex's pretty regularly when I'm at work, and is in touch with most of his others at least online.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 10:51:32 GMT -5
I can't think of another reason other than they're jealous and insecure.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 24, 2012 10:52:00 GMT -5
I should add, in the case of the couple in the OP they both have a history of cheating with people that they met online - in fact, that's how they met haha. They were both in relationships with other people (IIRC) when they started chatting online, and things progressed from there. So they see this rule as reasonable prudence given their "weakness" in this area. I kind of see it as more acceptable in their case. Though I personally see staying in that situation as a certain sort of hell.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 10:52:26 GMT -5
dh is going on a conference out of state and staying in a hotel room with 2 women. My wife would definitely not be cool with that.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 10:52:35 GMT -5
I'm not going to ask my husband to pick up the kids and run them around so I can go have fun with another guy. If I'm going to take that kind of time, I'm going to do it with him. I would also prefer to go with my husband than any 'girlfriends' too - but I have gone out a couple nights with a couple of girls.
I get that. Once Babybird arrives on the scene, I think I too would probably draw the line at hanging out with a guy friend one on one. It might be just as platonic as hanging out with a female friend, but there *is* a difference (I think) between "girl's night out" and "coffee date with guy friend out."
But I don't actually have many guy friends anymore, except online. So it's not something that's come up recently, except when I went to meet Dark and Audrey. To be honest I probably wouldn't have agreed to meet Dark alone, not for the first meeting - stranger danger and all that.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 10:53:50 GMT -5
I'm not sure I'd hop in a relationship with someone I cheated with, because you got yourself a cheater.
I think there's some truth to that. Given that they did, though, their precaution makes more sense to me in their case. It's not as arbitrary as it would be if they had no history of infidelity.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Aug 24, 2012 10:54:37 GMT -5
I can't think of another reason other than they're jealous and insecure. swamp, some religions are very conservative that way. It doesn't have to be always about jealousy or insecurity, sometimes its about control too. You know, the disease called just-because-THE-MAN-can-forbid-itis ......
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 10:55:40 GMT -5
dh is going on a conference out of state and staying in a hotel room with 2 women.
I'd definitely be weirded out by them staying in the same room... I wouldn't try to stop him or anything but I would raise an eyebrow. That sounds downright strange to me. I can't imagine why coworkers would need to share a hotel room on a business trip.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 10:55:41 GMT -5
...I'll admit that I find it surprising that *most* of you find it "extreme" to "leave a door open" when working one on one with an opposite sex coworker...
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 24, 2012 10:55:57 GMT -5
I can't think of another reason other than they're jealous and insecure. swamp, some religions are very conservative that way. It doesn't have to be always about jealousy or insecurity, sometimes its about control too. You know, the disease called just-because-THE-MAN-can-forbid-itis ...... Or, themancan'tcontrolhimselfitis............
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 24, 2012 10:57:26 GMT -5
I know people (my sister being one of them) that destroyed all the pictures of them with previous boyfriends/girlfriends. It seemed extreme to me, although I guess I could understand not really wanting a huge photo album with my husband's ex sitting around, but whatever. The weird part with my sister is that she never really had a "boyfriend" - she went on a couple of dates, but nothing really serious. So, she destroyed her prom pictures of her with a guy that I'm not even sure they dated. Prom pictures are such an awesome piece of hilarious, horrible history. I just can't imagine getting rid of those gems. They are perfect time capsules of hair and clothing styles. I love them - even if I don't know the people. But, hers are gone. She couldn't show them to her daughters. We can't laugh about them on her 70th birthday.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 10:57:27 GMT -5
...I'll admit that I find it surprising that *most* of you find it "extreme" to "leave a door open" when working one on one with an opposite sex coworker...
I don't think it's the worst idea in the world, just totally unworkable for most people. I know it would be unworkable for me. If you're an engineer or something maybe you can get away with that, but in my area confidential stuff is discussed on a daily basis. We can't risk random people overhearing a lot of the conversations we have.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 10:58:59 GMT -5
...btw, FB... you might wanna modify your post with the given name... ?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 24, 2012 10:59:57 GMT -5
I'll admit that I find it surprising that *most* of you find it "extreme" to "leave a door open" when working one on one with an opposite sex coworker...
Well like Firebird said sometimes it is unavoidable. While technically there isn't anything in my reviews that I wouldn't want anyone to hear, if there WAS I could make a huge case against my boss if we left teh door open while conducting my review.
Same with some of the studies we do, there is patient information involved and only those approved are supposed to be discussing it, so doors need to be closed.
If having rumor mongers wondering what is going on avoids us getting in hot water with HR, I'll take it.
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