Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:47:42 GMT -5
...fwiw, I view "leaving a door open" much like wearing a seat belt... sure, there's plenty of anecdotal evidence that says sometimes you want to be ejected from the car, or you're an Ice Road Trucker who would have to houdini it out of a sinking semi... but as a general rule for the masses, avoiding one-on-one, out-of-sight interaction with opposite sex "friends" is wise... Coworkers aren't friends, though. It's business.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,271
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 24, 2012 12:48:42 GMT -5
...and some harpy's rumors can get you transferred, canned, or worse... that's realistic, too...And someone running off to HR to report that we were discussing confidential information with the door wide open so everyone walking by could hear it can get me transferred, canned or worse. .. that's realistic too. I'd rather have my delicate reputation as a lady ruined than have a confidentiality breach on my record.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:49:10 GMT -5
Before we started subletting my boss and I were the only people in our office. We were literally always behind clothes doors. Interesting Freudian slip there
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:50:07 GMT -5
... bingo... Yeah, but I still think there's a difference between a spouse's "perception" that hey, maybe it's not fair that my wife is basically on a date with another man and a coworker's (unreasonable) perception that two people of the opposite sex are behind closed doors so there MUST be something going on between them besides work. One is pretty reasonable IMO, the other is just plain weird. I think anyone that would be thinking along those lines based SOLELY on the fact that they are in an office alone with the door closed has too much time on their hands. ...wierd, yes... ...idle hands being the devil's mischief?, yes... ...unreasonable, not necessarily... and an "open-door policy" in this respect is a precaution just like my seatbelt...
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:50:45 GMT -5
Before we started subletting my boss and I were the only people in our office. We were literally always behind clothes doors. Interesting Freudian slip there
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 3:56:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:50:51 GMT -5
You're not going to let this one go, are ya BTDT???
|
|
Loopdilou
Well-Known Member
AKA Mrs. Dark Honor
Joined: Feb 27, 2012 19:41:33 GMT -5
Posts: 1,365
|
Post by Loopdilou on Aug 24, 2012 12:50:53 GMT -5
Obviously, since I let my husband meet random internet womenfolk, I don't put any restrictions on him. He's let me stay a weekend in a hotel room with my bf, Duke, at a conference, so I imagine he has no qualms either. That said, he recently got pissy because I was txting a male coach a lot. He wasn't worried I would cheat, but he gets jealous of the friendship.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 3:56:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:50:59 GMT -5
If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. I don't have any interest in monitoring my spouse. I don't care. If he wants to stray, have at it. You can't stop someone so what is the point and vice versa.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:51:37 GMT -5
...and some harpy's rumors can get you transferred, canned, or worse... that's realistic, too...And someone running off to HR to report that we were discussing confidential information with the door wide open so everyone walking by could hear it can get me transferred, canned or worse. .. that's realistic too. I'd rather have my delicate reputation as a lady ruined than have a confidentiality breach on my record. ...and okay, then... you're an Ice Road Trucker, too... ;D
|
|
Reckless Roselia
Senior Member
Beauty is in the soul of the beholder!
Joined: Jul 12, 2012 6:53:30 GMT -5
Posts: 2,465
|
Post by Reckless Roselia on Aug 24, 2012 12:51:49 GMT -5
Trust is the key thing in the equation. Once the relationship with the opposite sex gets over friendly and way too flirtatious then doubting the spouse does stem - jealousy maybe - but it's natural.
Prevention is better than cure rings to mind re: the case study in #1.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on Aug 24, 2012 12:52:23 GMT -5
I didn't say that, nor did I mean to imply that. I can see that all of you agree that you should just spend as much time as you want with all the guys you want, and there will never be any problems. I disagree. So, I'm out. I've never said that anyone SHOULD spend as much time out without their spouse as they want- whether or not someone of the opposite sex is involved. All I'm saying is that I don't believe I have the right to place rules on DH that would prevent him from spending time out and about without me (whether there's another female involved or not) and that we woudln't still be married if he tried to force restrictions on me. That doesn't mean that either of us chooses to abandon the other on a regular basis. In fact, we both like doing things a whole lot more when the other is around. I love having some one on one time with friends (female or male) because we have different conversations when it's just the two of us than when either of our significant others are involved. But that doesn't mean I'm going out every night with a man other than DH. You actually said it right earlier- it's about desire. And in my case, I believe one of the best ways to keep it so that DH desires to remain married (and faithful) to me is to not give him rules that wouldn't mean anything should he desire to cheat. If he has a desire to cheat (or if I did), then that would mean there were other problems in our relationship. The desire to cheat isn't created by having friends of the opposite sex, its created by having something missing in your current relationship.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 3:56:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:52:21 GMT -5
Obviously, since I let my husband meet random internet womenfolk, I don't put any restrictions on him. He's let me stay a weekend in a hotel room with my bf, Duke, at a conference, so I imagine he has no qualms either. That said, he recently got pissy because I was txting a male coach a lot. He wasn't worried I would cheat, but he gets jealous of the friendship. emotional cheating is worse, to a man, than sexual cheating.
|
|
wvugurl26
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:25:30 GMT -5
Posts: 21,719
|
Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 24, 2012 12:52:27 GMT -5
Yeah, but I still think there's a difference between a spouse's "perception" that hey, maybe it's not fair that my wife is basically on a date with another man and a coworker's (unreasonable) perception that two people of the opposite sex are behind closed doors so there MUST be something going on between them besides work. One is pretty reasonable IMO, the other is just plain weird. I think anyone that would be thinking along those lines based SOLELY on the fact that they are in an office alone with the door closed has too much time on their hands. ...wierd, yes... ...idle hands being the devil's mischief?, yes... ...unreasonable, not necessarily... and an "open-door policy" in this respect is a precaution just like my seatbelt... Do you get though that there are situations in the business world that call for closed doors? It doesn't mean anything's going on and as others have said, refusing is going to cause a whole lot of trouble.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:52:29 GMT -5
...fwiw, I view "leaving a door open" much like wearing a seat belt... sure, there's plenty of anecdotal evidence that says sometimes you want to be ejected from the car, or you're an Ice Road Trucker who would have to houdini it out of a sinking semi... but as a general rule for the masses, avoiding one-on-one, out-of-sight interaction with opposite sex "friends" is wise... Coworkers aren't friends, though. It's business. ...I used quotations...
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,744
|
Post by raeoflyte on Aug 24, 2012 12:52:32 GMT -5
Interesting Freudian slip there Whoops! I've worked with people that btdt is describing, so it does exist, but I don't have time to worry about them or any ridiculous rumor they've concocted this week. That would cut into my pb time. ;D
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:54:33 GMT -5
You're not going to let this one go, are ya BTDT??? ...maybe I need to find some monster red tea... or whatever it was you're drinking?
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Aug 24, 2012 12:55:50 GMT -5
...and some harpy's rumors can get you transferred, canned, or worse... that's realistic, too...And someone running off to HR to report that we were discussing confidential information with the door wide open so everyone walking by could hear it can get me transferred, canned or worse. .. that's realistic too. I'm really trying to picture in my head someone running to HR with a rumor that something was going on between me and the male colleague I met with behind closed doors yesterday based on *nothing more* than the fact that we were meeting behind closed doors for an hour or so. I really think that person's career would take a far more serious hit than mine or my male coworker's. They would be perceived (rightfully so) as a rumormonger with nothing better to do at work than gossip. Not really the image most professionals hope to portray.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 3:56:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:56:08 GMT -5
You're not going to let this one go, are ya BTDT??? ...maybe I need to find some monster red tea... or whatever it was you're drinking? That was thyme. We had a little misunderstanding and she left the thread a couple of pages ago.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:56:14 GMT -5
...wierd, yes... ...idle hands being the devil's mischief?, yes... ...unreasonable, not necessarily... and an "open-door policy" in this respect is a precaution just like my seatbelt... Do you get though that there are situations in the business world that call for closed doors? It doesn't mean anything's going on and as others have said, refusing is going to cause a whole lot of trouble. ...have I said there weren't?
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:57:22 GMT -5
Interesting Freudian slip there Whoops! I've worked with people that btdt is describing, so it does exist, but I don't have time to worry about them or any ridiculous rumor they've concocted this week. That would cut into my pb time. ;D
|
|
Loopdilou
Well-Known Member
AKA Mrs. Dark Honor
Joined: Feb 27, 2012 19:41:33 GMT -5
Posts: 1,365
|
Post by Loopdilou on Aug 24, 2012 12:57:54 GMT -5
Obviously, since I let my husband meet random internet womenfolk, I don't put any restrictions on him. He's let me stay a weekend in a hotel room with my bf, Duke, at a conference, so I imagine he has no qualms either. That said, he recently got pissy because I was txting a male coach a lot. He wasn't worried I would cheat, but he gets jealous of the friendship. emotional cheating is worse, to a man, than sexual cheating. Is it? Or is it just that women tie sex and emotion closer together, so sexual cheating would be both at once for a woman?
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,271
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 24, 2012 12:58:16 GMT -5
I'm really trying to picture in my head someone running to HR with a rumor that something was going on between me and the male colleague I met with behind closed doors yesterday based on *nothing more* than the fact that we were meeting behind closed doors for an hour or so.I work alone so the person who would have to run to HR is either my boss or myself. I think we both have too much on our plates right now to be considering creating a bunch of drama for ourselves. If some random person working in the same building as us wants to start stuff then be my guest.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 12:58:57 GMT -5
...maybe I need to find some monster red tea... or whatever it was you're drinking? That was thyme. We had a little misunderstanding and she left the thread a couple of pages ago. ...oh, okay... I'm already drinking gatorade, anway...
|
|
wvugurl26
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:25:30 GMT -5
Posts: 21,719
|
Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 24, 2012 12:59:06 GMT -5
Ok the way I read it you said don't close the door, its just a good policy. In my world we have a ton of protected and confidential information. Doors have to be shut. The rest of my coworkers appreciate it if we shut the door before doing a conference call on speaker phone.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 3:56:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 12:59:25 GMT -5
My husband has female friends and I am ok with it. I am even friends with one of his ex-girlfriends on FB. She is funny...I like her!
The ONLY person I have a problem with him being "friends" with is his ex-best friend who is female. She came unhinged and developed a really unhealthy attachment to my husband to the point where she was calling up MY COUSIN and screaming at her for hogging him because she (my cousin) happened to see us in a parking lot of Starbucks. Then she called my cousin and accused her of having an affair with my husband because she posted a song on his FB page. The ex -friend was seriously mentally ill. He still talks to her on occasion because he feels sorry for her, but he never initiates the contact. He hopes she gets help, but I don't think she ever will.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 3:56:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2012 13:01:00 GMT -5
I should add, in the case of the couple in the OP they both have a history of cheating with people that they met online - in fact, that's how they met haha. They were both in relationships with other people (IIRC) when they started chatting online, and things progressed from there. So they see this rule as reasonable prudence given their "weakness" in this area. Well, that explains everything! Two cheaters hooked up and are (understandably) worried that the other might cheat on them, too... DW and I have friends of opposite genders are are cool with it. Although, I must admit, I was jealous of one of her coworkers at a job years ago - All I ever heard was, "John is so great!" "John is so funny..." I got concerned. I mentioned it a few times in passing about her always mentioning him, but she told me I had nothing to worry about. But, as it turns out, I DID have nothing to worry about. A couple years after she left there -- we were good friends with a lot of people there, even after her leaving that job (nothing to do with John) --he came out of the closet as being gay.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 20,903
|
Post by happyhoix on Aug 24, 2012 13:01:38 GMT -5
One of my old co-workers started dating a guy who was a serial marrier. 3 wives by the time he was 35, he was in a relationship with another woman (but not married to her) when he started dating my co-worker. Once they started having sex he dumped the previous girlfriend.
Soon he starts imposing rules on my co-worker. She used to go running in the mornings with some male friends at her gym. She wasn't allowed to do that anymore - no male work out buddies. She used to go out to eat lunch with me and our male boss - all three of us together, and the boss and I are both very much married - she could no longer do that, because her BF told her almost all affairs start at work. She used to participate in charity walks or runs, or mini bike and road races. This required that she would go out of town for the weekend. Couldn't do that anymore, because her BF stated that the only reason women like to go away for the weekend without their BF's or husbands was that they wanted to cheat.
BF saw her as always just on the verge of cheating on him at all times (beause women are weak), and insisted she had to either be with him or at work. If she went to the gym or out shopping or to lunch, it could ONLY be with other women.
This was a woman who had a masters in engineering, well paying job, tons of friends and outside interests, and I was shocked at how readily she gave in and changed her entire lifestyle in order to please him. Instead of going out on the weekends with girlfriends or her sisters, she began attending events he liked and she didn't (like Nascar and monster truck shows) with him. And that's all she did, outside of work.
To me, it was crazy. I told her this was how abusive men get control over their partners. I told her the reason he was so amazing freaked out about the possibility of her cheating on him was that he had a history of cheating on his wives and GF - remember, he was in a relationship with another woman when he first started dating my co-worker.
Fell on deaf ears. I left that company, I don't know what ever happened, but I hope she woke up and shook free of this guy. If my DH ever tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to go eat lunch with my male boss, I'd either laugh at him or yell at him, I'm not sure which.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 24, 2012 13:04:15 GMT -5
emotional cheating is worse, to a man, than sexual cheating. Is it? Or is it just that women tie sex and emotion closer together, so sexual cheating would be both at once for a woman? ...I'd agree with this... sex can be pretty basic... pretty external... betrayal of the mind is pretty complex and internal...
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,271
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 24, 2012 13:04:41 GMT -5
I had problems with one of Dh's exes that popped out of the woodwork. She was going thru a divorce and called DH up out the blue. All their conversations were about how much she missed him and wished they had never broken up etc etc. She knew he was with me because he had told her during their first phone conversation.
Based on snippets I heard I got the clear impression she was looking for a rebound. DH eventually came to that conclusion as well.
Same thing happened with me and an ex. We went off together alone and it really hurt DH but I thought he was being a jealous butt and he couldn't tell me what to do. Upon reflection DH was totally right that my ex was sniffing around to see if there was still a chance so I let the friendship drift apart again.
I figure if either one of them were honestly interested in being platonic friends with us then why disappear when it is made clear to you we are in a committed relationship?
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 24, 2012 13:05:11 GMT -5
"Obviously, since I let my husband meet random internet womenfolk, I don't put any restrictions on him."
I do think you put restrictions on him...he can't just come here and screw around all day because anything he posts he knows you will see, reply to and possibly kick his ass for. So stalking your husband counts as a restriction, at least to me.
I couldn't care less where my husband posts and certainly wouldn't feel the need to post on teh same board with him...nor would I want him showing up here.
|
|