savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 15, 2012 15:09:57 GMT -5
Not sure what to do here...some friends we thought we were close to have only invited me to the bridal shower and not the wedding. It's not as though they're having a courtroom wedding either -- they're having a ceremony and a reception nearby, so it's not like it's a destination wedding they're afraid we can't afford to go or something. It's very awkward now that I've found these out. We see these people socially on a weekly basis -- twice weekly sometimes -- , and invite them to all our parties. I'm pretty hurt, I thought we were closer friends.
So that's one issue. The other issue is what I am I supposed to do about this shower? The bride to be did come to my baby shower so I feel obligated to go -- although its the month after I give birth so I might be able to excuse myself on that. Should I send a gift? This just struck me as really rude, to only be invited to the shower. Am I just being old fashioned?
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 15, 2012 15:13:10 GMT -5
Who has done the inviting? If it is a friend of the bride, she might not know you are not invited to the wedding - in which case this is an innocent but embarassing gaffe. If it is the bride herself (or the bride put the invite list together), then shame on her. This is money-grubbing (gift-grubbing) at its saddest. I say don't go and don't give a gift, you are under no obligation to do so.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 15:14:21 GMT -5
Isn't it normal to invite people to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding?
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jun 15, 2012 15:19:36 GMT -5
I would never invite people to a shower if they weren't invited to the wedding. That's like saying they aren't good enough to come to your wedding, in my eyes. I wouldn't go - blame the new baby.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 15, 2012 15:22:36 GMT -5
Isn't it normal to invite people to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding?
NO. That is extremely rude for exactly the reasons redwagon said. People who are invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding.
I wouldn't go. If you want to send a nice card and a token gift or somethign inexpensive off the registry, but that's as far as I'd go.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 15, 2012 15:26:31 GMT -5
Isn't it normal to invite people to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding? NO. That is extremely rude for exactly the reasons redwagon said. People who are invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding. I wouldn't go. If you want to send a nice card and a token gift or somethign inexpensive off the registry, but that's as far as I'd go.
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Jun 15, 2012 15:30:20 GMT -5
I'd say this is a faux pas unless there's some reason for the specific exclusion. ex: it's pretty normal to have a "work shower" for a bunch of lugs who don't come to the wedding. ex: ultra small wedding, etc.
But a friend that close had better state clearly what's up. I know it's not strictly Emily Post approved, but I usually keep in my the wedding costs in mind with the wedding gift.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 15:35:25 GMT -5
I would never invite people to a shower if they weren't invited to the wedding. That's like saying they aren't good enough to come to your wedding, in my eyes. I wouldn't go - blame the new baby. It's not like saying they aren't good enough to come to your wedding. It is saying that they are not good enough to come to your wedding. But the fact is that everyone is not good enough to come to your wedding, but they may be good enough to come to the shower.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 15, 2012 15:35:45 GMT -5
The only other possibility would be if it is a family only wedding. If the bride and groom are not paying- they have no say. Perhaps the maid of honor/hostess is inviting friends of the bride because she believes not inviting them would be more rude. I have seen weddings where you are invited to the shower but not the wedding because it is a family wedding etc. Nothing more is amiss. Sure beats being invited to the wedding and being uninvited to the shower because you don't drink or go to casinos.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 15, 2012 16:05:46 GMT -5
Thanks, I thought something was off. Sometimes it is good to know I'm not just being hormonal. kittensaver -- Bride's aunt did the inviting, but bride-to-be asked for my email some months ago to give to her aunt, so the bride was aware that I was getting a shower invite. I think that might have been before they had their venue/food costs calculated, so she might have still been planning to invite us at that point. redwagon -- New babies are an excellent reason to avoid things. DramaQ1015 -- I will try to find something, but their registry is tiny. They are mainly doing one of those honeymoon sites where people send money to fund your honeymoon.... I can send a little towards that I guess. Not that I'm thrilled about those sites -- it's kind of like asking for money and plus the sites do skim some off the top so the couple doesn't even get everything... but I'm not sure I care at this point. Clever Username -- I've got to think of a polite way of asking what's up before they visit again. It's just getting more awkward. Archie -- Okay well...maybe they do think I'm not good enough for the wedding. I guess that's their decision, but what bothers me is that inviting me to the shower means they expect a gift -- you can't go to a shower without a gift. The whole point is to "shower" the bride with presents. So I'm not good enough for the wedding but my gift is? That's the real problem. mizbear -- I believe they are paying for it mostly themselves with some minor help from family. I know they're on a tight budget and I get that they have to restrict guest lists -- but I know it isn't family only because other friends in our circle have talked about getting the invites (don't you love facebook?). It's just been uncomfortable all around.
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nalto
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Post by nalto on Jun 15, 2012 16:09:06 GMT -5
Call me crazy, but I say take the high road. Go to the shower, wish them well, and make them wish they had invited you.
And then leave the baby's diaper in a corner somewhere.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 15, 2012 16:11:38 GMT -5
Thanks, I thought something was off. Sometimes it is good to know I'm not just being hormonal. I believe they are paying for it mostly themselves with some minor help from family. I know they're on a tight budget and I get that they have to restrict guest lists -- but I know it isn't family only because other friends in our circle have talked about getting the invites. Okay so their list might be very restricted due to circumstances beyond their control ($), but it is still totally tacky to ask you for a gift (invite you to a shower) for an event to which you are not invited! Be a good sport if you want (if you do, you're a way better person than me - lol ) and get them something small, but don't feel in any way obligated to do so.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 15, 2012 17:45:55 GMT -5
I would decline the shower invitation and simply send a card to the happy couple.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 15, 2012 19:35:16 GMT -5
Knowing that other friends are invited- ewww- very tacky! And rude! I have unfortunately done the wedding rodeo more than once- but luckily had my DGM to guide me in how to navigate the minefield of invites and etiquette (because I would not have invited certain family members, for instance ;D) and just- ewww. I may not have much in the way of "raisings" (they say I was "slung up" instead of "brung up"- but even I know better. Send your regrets and buy your new baby something nice with the money you would have spent on the gift.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 15, 2012 21:48:57 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies...
nalto -- I wish I could pull that off! ;D DH is better at those sorts of pranks, too bad he isn't invited to the shower.
kittensaver -- It's just very...odd. We're not super close but I can't imagine we're less close than the other people in our social circle.
Miss Margarita -- I'm trying to think of a way to delicately find out from one of our mutual friends before we're supposed to be meeting them socially again. It could have been lost in the mail. I'd be really happy if it were just some mistake or oversight like that. It's possible the bride sent the aunt the email before she realized how tight the budget was going to be, and the aunt just went ahead and invited everyone on the original list to the shower.
sarahjese -- I guess it depends on how close friends I want to keep them. Just sending a card seems rude to me, which will just devolve into "Well you started with the rudeness by not inviting us" etc... Sending a small gift might seem like taking the high road. We have some time left to consider.
mizbear -- I keep having this conversation with myself -- could it really be they don't know this is rude/don't think it's a big deal? They're not the most etiquette savvy people ever -- they have one of those honeymoon registry websites and requested "no boxed gifts" on the shower invite, which is I guess the polite way of saying "Just give us cash, gift cards, or money on our honeymoon registry thanx."
Do they think we'll be too busy with the baby? (Wedding's two months after due date, I should be up to it by then.)
I think I keep making excuses for them because I'll be less hurt if there's some reason like this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 22:19:56 GMT -5
Seriously, just ask the bride if you were invited to the wedding. Say you didn't think so until you got the invite to the shower but once you got that you figured your wedding invitation might have gotten lost in the mail. You have nothing to be self concious about. If they really did do the gift grab by inviting you to the shower but not the wedding they made the social gaffe.
Personally I get pissed off being invited to both a shower and a wedding. Just how many gifts do I have to give for the one event?
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leanna
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Post by leanna on Jun 15, 2012 22:37:41 GMT -5
Well, let's change the circumstance. Let's say it was a teeny family only wedding. Would it bother you then to only be invited to a shower?
I think, if you genuinely like and care about this person, why not go, bring a gift you can afford and wish her/them well? It would be interesting to see what happens when talk of the wedding comes up (which it will, of course.)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 23:51:03 GMT -5
Oh, you should go to the shower with your adorable newborn and steal all her thunder ;D
I'd have to guess that the shower invites were done before the reality of wedding costs set in.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Jun 16, 2012 6:26:08 GMT -5
Tacky!!! Tacky!!! Tacky!!!
Personally, I am enough of a daughter of a female dog that I would decline the shower and send NOTHING as a shower or wedding gift UNLESS you do find out the wedding invite was lost in the mail.
Having a similar circle friend ask just might be the way to go.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 16, 2012 7:42:10 GMT -5
Well to start with personally I hate all of this crap so remember that when you read my answer. ;D
First of all does she even know about the shower? I know that surpise showers used to be very common. I know that most brides will assume that they are getting one but she may not know the specifics. If you mention it the person giving the shower would probably get pissed that you spilled the beans so to speak.
After that is cleared up I would just speak to her. If she knows about the shower mention you were invited to it, if not, just skip that part and say your feelings were hurt about your not being invited to the wedding. If you are good enough friends to see each other socially every week or more, you should be good enough friends to explain how you feel. Just my two cents.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 16, 2012 7:51:44 GMT -5
I think your baby might be part of the issue but without talking to her you won't know. If money is tight it is possible she's OK with you saying yes to the shower and later not going due to your new baby but would be pissed if that happened where the wedding is concerned.
I like the idea MM had of using a mutual friend. If you are upset enough about this it might be better to have someone less emotionally invested ask the question. FYI, I'd be mad too, but if the doctor is off about your due date and you have the baby later than expected do you think you'd still attend the wedding? Would your DH go without you?
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jun 16, 2012 8:32:24 GMT -5
If you like these folks enough to try and eliminate the awkwardness so you can save the friendship, then take the VERY high road and approach the bride with a conversation along the lines of: "Thank you for inviting me to the shower. Your honeymoon sounds fabulous. Can't wait to hear all about it. Oh, and thank you so very much for not inviting me to the wedding too. You must have known how exhausted I'll be with the new baby. I hope you don't mind that I'll be missing it, but I can't wait to see the video!" Then let it play out however.
If, on the other hand, this is just too hurtful to overlook, take the lower high road, send a token gift and move on. Sometimes we don't really know other people until they have an opportunity to show us their true selves and, sadly, sometimes their true selves aren't people we really want to know.
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dogmom
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Post by dogmom on Jun 16, 2012 9:01:54 GMT -5
If you like these folks enough to try and eliminate the awkwardness so you can save the friendship, then take the VERY high road and approach the bride with a conversation along the lines of: "Thank you for inviting me to the shower. Your honeymoon sounds fabulous. Can't wait to hear all about it. Oh, and thank you so very much for not inviting me to the wedding too. You must have known how exhausted I'll be with the new baby. I hope you don't mind that I'll be missing it, but I can't wait to see the video!" Then let it play out however. If, on the other hand, this is just too hurtful to overlook, take the lower high road, send a token gift and move on. Sometimes we don't really know other people until they have an opportunity to show us their true selves and, sadly, sometimes their true selves aren't people we really want to know. I'm in between. Seeing people socially, as much as OP sees them, I would absolutely be confused, and hurt. I do think it's rude to invite to a wedding shower and not the wedding. I would acknowledge the shower (since it's probably not a surprise) to the bride, thanking her for the thoughtful invitation. Then I would ask when the wedding is. Maybe a little snarky, but, oh well.... I'm guessing there is a little time before the shower and the wedding to do this. Let her explain. I hate awkward moments with friends....(and true friends would be able to respond, honestly.)
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leanna
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Post by leanna on Jun 16, 2012 12:12:43 GMT -5
While I would be hurt, I don't think we always need to express our hurts. Let me give you an example... In college, I had a group of roommates and friends. We all lived on the same floor in a dorm. The college cut the particular program I was in. So I had to switch colleges, as did another friend in our circle. Let's call her "Jane." Well, Jane got engaged within a year, and of course I was invited to the wedding. I had hardly any money, and the wedding was in another city. I scrapped together enough money to buy a bus ticket, a dress to wear, and a wedding gift. It was a lot of sacrifice for me to put together the money to do this. Literally, I had to take it from my food budget. I took a greyhound for about 2 hours to get there. I got off, changed clothes in a restaurant, and then walked a couple miles the rest of the way to get to the wedding location. I was so excited to get there and be a part of her day. When I got there, I saw that all our old group of friends were the bridesmaids! I was so hurt. I'm sure all of you have been in this situation. I can remember my throat welling up and tears coming to my eyes, for being excluded. Especially because I had thought Jane & I were the closest. I had just presumed she had family members as her bridesmaids. But I said to myself, "Leanna, this is HER day. Do NOT say a word or act in any way that anything is wrong." So that is exactly what I did. And I NEVER said anything about my hurt. Well, in the year that followed those "friends" that were her bridesmaids never bothered to keep in contact with her. And she ended up telling me how hurt she was by that. I never asked why I wasn't invited to be a bridesmaid. Chances are she didn't ask me because she would have known I didn't have money and I didn't have a car to get there. I'm not saying you don't need to say anything. But I wouldn't say anything right now. You don't know what's going on. There could be a perfect explanation for everything. Maybe the wedding is smaller than you think. Maybe you are invited and just don't know it. In which case you would find out at the shower, if the Bride presumes you're going to the wedding. Maybe it was an oversight.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2012 12:16:39 GMT -5
Honestly, i find life much easier and happier if you don't try to figure out the motives of people. It just is what it is. Go to the shower, have a good time, give a gift and well wishes and a hug and let it be. People planning weddings are often crazy and really don't even realize what they are doing half the time.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 16, 2012 14:22:25 GMT -5
Thank you for all the advice.
laterbloomer -- They are camping this next week so I have a little time to think about how I want to talk to her about it. It may have been lost in the mail -- our mail carrier is terrible and we frequently get misaddressed mail.
leanna -- No I wouldn't mind if it were just a family wedding. But what bothers me is that I know it's not -- the rest of our social circle seem to have gotten invites, and we didn't. I probably will get a gift, but it's going to be way smaller than what we were planning on for the wedding.
Rock It -- If I do go to the shower the new baby is definitely coming!
marvholly -- It seems really tacky to me too, but sometimes when it's just me it's hard to tell if I'm being overly sensitive. I probably wouldn't send anything if I didn't want to remain friends, but if I want to do that I'm not sure I can just entirely write them off. But the gift will be a lot smaller -- we were going to give them $250 towards their honeymoon but now I'm thinking maybe $25-$30.
973beachbum -- I do like weddings -- we talked about organization and costs earlier, and I gave them a lot of advice as we did our wedding on a tight budget too. She does know there is a shower as she asked me for my email to give to her aunt. I have some time to decide how I want to approach it as they're camping this week.
Optimist -- The wedding is 2 months and a week after my due date, shouldn't problem. The shower is exactly a month after my due date so is actually more problematic. I understand she'd be upset if I didn't show after saying I would -- we wasted about 5 plates of food at our wedding. DH can go without me -- he's great friends with the groom. I will probably try to get a friend to find out what's up before I see them again so I can have some time to decide if and how I want to discuss it with them.
goldenrulegirl -- I'd like to take the high road, but to some extent I'm not sure the bride particularly is worth the effort -- but DH and the groom do more together than we do as a group. I'd like to try to salvage things so we don't lose him as a friend.
dogmom -- Yeah it's just awkward all around, and I hate that too. I am pretty hurt. We are closer with the groom but naturally the bride is running most of the show, so I guess he could have gotten vetoed on inviting us. But that doesn't really reflect on him well if he wasn't willing to go to bat for us at all. And if the bride did make the unilateral decision to not invite us because we're not close enough friends, why in heck am I invited to the shower?
leanna -- Thank you for the story that you shared. I don't want to make such a big deal out of it that it detracts from their day. I would like to give them the benefit of the doubt.
shooby -- I know motives are tough to figure out. But to me why they didn't do it is pretty important to our friendship. But weddings are crazy times so it's possible they're not thinking about it what it means to us at all.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 16, 2012 15:46:49 GMT -5
Savecents - so you know for sure the invitations have gone out yet? Given that the wedding is still 2 1/2 months away, it could be a while before they are mailed.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 16, 2012 21:43:03 GMT -5
We mailed my invitations 3 months prior so that we had a head count for the food (which we had to purchase and cook ourselves). Invitations were asked to be in approximately one month ahead.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 17, 2012 8:38:20 GMT -5
Unfortunately I know some other people in our social circle have received them in the mail already. We also sent ours at about 3 months to get back to the caterers in time with a count. Also we didn't do save the date cards and wanted extra time for people to get off work -- sometimes 6 weeks is just not enough warning time for some jobs.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2012 8:43:08 GMT -5
The fact that you want to go to their wedding is a great thing. I see more people complaining about having to go than not getting to go. And, since you are good friends, i would see nothing wrong with simply expressing disappointment that you won't get to be a part of their wedding. And, maybe it is a family only event. Maybe there is a limit and one of the spouses was pressured to stick to that guest limit or who knows? There could be a million answers. Or, maybe you feel closer to them than they do to you. That is a bummer but i have had that happen to me as well. And, if that is the case, then they might not be as good friends as you think. But, for the wedding "crazies", i know that when we planned our wedding, there were a lot of things we simply forgot. I forgot to set up a table for the inlaws and so forth. Sometimes your brain just quits functioning.
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