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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 8:25:24 GMT -5
. Probably will just end up sending a card with $30 check. The unfortunate part for them is if we'd received an invitation to the wedding they would have gotten at least $100 even if we decided not to come. Bad job on their part. If there was only some way to figure out who on the guest list was going to give the most and then create the invitation list from top to bottom. Like those cousins you only see at weddings and funuerals who give $20. They are out and the acquaintance from work who feels obligation to give more to keep the business connection up is in.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 5, 2012 10:48:12 GMT -5
Everyone knows that wedding showers are excrutiatingly boring events that are designed to be a gift grab and nothing else. The bride is either insane or just greedy to think anyone they didn't consider good enough for a wedding invite would want to go to the shower. If you're not close enough to the bride to go to the wedding, then she has absolutely no business inviting you to the shower and you should not feel guilty at all not sending anything.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 5, 2012 11:01:34 GMT -5
women are insane. I think that is what we have learned here. It's not so much that women are insane as that we live in a culture where women are considered insane if they don't act insane when they got married. Some examples: DH wanted a wedding. I would have been ok eloping. So we split the task list and I didn't interfere or micromanage what he was doing. Half the vendors DH dealt with absolutely refused to believe that any bride would let her husband make big decisions about the wedding and flat out refused to take DH seriously. Why on earth would any woman want to marry a man who was so utterly incompetent that he can't handle any part of planning his own wedding day? I got flack for not wanting to spend several evenings cutting up tulle fabric, putting candy in the middle and tie it with a bow for wedding favors. Who in their right mind would want to do this, especially when you can get customized wedding favors (in my case, mini chocolate bars) for 50 cents? And really, if you're providing your guests with a meal, an open bar and dancing, why on earth do we even do wedding favors? When the demands for this and that got too much, I started with "Do you want to do this?" "Do you want to pay for this?". With my inlaws, I just mentioned having a friend who was a pharmacist and her son waking up in a hotel room in Vegas with a ring on his finger. I havea full time job and was so not going to take any crap from anyone who so values her playtime that she refuses to work when they can't pay their bills.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 5, 2012 15:58:37 GMT -5
I stand by my previous theory, she doesn't really value your friendship that much, but since she went to your baby shower and gave a gift, she thinks you owe her a gift. So you can take the high road, give a gift for her shower, and write her off as the casual acquaintance she is, or just don't bother to do anything due to the huge slap in the face she just doled out. Either way.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jul 5, 2012 17:13:53 GMT -5
Maybe I feel this way because my grandparents and DM paid for my first 2 weddings and everything was thus and so- but you shouldn't be all the way to bridal shower invites and still figuring out the budget.
I think she's full of it or totally clueless or both.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jul 6, 2012 10:01:42 GMT -5
I know I shouldn't reward their rudeness by sending anything, but we are mostly giving the small gift to preserve the friendship between the groom/DH. And it really is a token -- we're pretty generous gift givers so it would have been a lot more had we received an invitation.
The groom does not seem to have a whole lot of control over any aspect of this wedding business, which makes him spineless but not as rude as his wife. I don't particularly see a need to try to maintain a friendship with her any more. We're definitely going to look into cultivating some new friendships instead of putting energy into this one.
DH is actually pretty upset, because he's closer to the groom than I am.
I'm upset that they went ahead and decided for me what I was going to do with my kid, instead of letting me decide.
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murphath
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Post by murphath on Jul 6, 2012 10:42:52 GMT -5
Let me just say that I think weddings these days have completely gone over the edge! With that said, and currently being part of one of these huge upcoming extravaganzas, I'm going to be the devil's advocate. Who is paying for the wedding? If it's the bride and groom, then shame on them for not inviting their group of friends. If it's her parents footing the bill, then that's another story. My niece-in-law to be's wedding will include 200 of her nearest and dearest: NOT! Why? Because her dad is footing the bill and all her parents' friends and his business colleagues have to be invited. Along with family on their side and family on our side, that list takes up 165 spots. That leaves 35 for the bride and groom to divy up between them. 8 bridesmaids, 8 groomsmen and you get the picture. Many of their "social circle" have been left off the list. Sooo, when they get back from the honeymoon, they are going to host a park bbq to celebrate with who they really wanted there. In my book that will probably be much more fun than this black tie, stuffy reception event.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jul 6, 2012 12:40:50 GMT -5
murphath-
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 6, 2012 12:43:35 GMT -5
I'm upset that they went ahead and decided for me what I was going to do with my kid, instead of letting me decide.
I think she did that to save face. It's a lot easier to say "well YOU have a new baby and probably wouldn't want to come" as opposed to
"We blew our budget by a mile and now we have to trim our guest list, BUT we still hope to get a gift out of you so here is a shower invite".
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 6, 2012 12:44:48 GMT -5
Murpath, why didn't your niece in law pony up some cash to get her friends included?
Savecents, yes, the groom is spineless and the bride is a tool. But that doesn't necessairly mean your husband won't be allowed to continue his friendship with the groom. They can just do guy things together and you won't have to deal with this woman very much in the future. Though it wouldn't suprise me if this guy is doing the whole spineless 'Blame the wife' trick to end the friendship either. Time will tell.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 6, 2012 14:03:32 GMT -5
She's doing it for her DH who will probably soon find out that he is no longer allowed to be friends with the groom.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 6, 2012 14:41:22 GMT -5
She's doing it for her DH who will probably soon find out that he is no longer allowed to be friends with the groom. Yeah this is what I see also. OP you & yours need to cultivate new friends into your life.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 6, 2012 16:29:42 GMT -5
She's doing it for her DH who will probably soon find out that he is no longer allowed to be friends with the groom. It sounds like the OP is being smart, not making a stink, being nice to the bride, and letting her husband figure this out for himself. No good can come from getting in the middle of this, predicting what will happen or saying 'I told you so' after things become apparent.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 9, 2012 10:38:44 GMT -5
murphath, who in the world has 8 bridesmaids, 8 groomsmen, and all the other attendants if they aren't super wealthy? If you can't afford to invite the people in your life that are nearest, and dearest, you are having the wrong kind of wedding. Maybe, people see so much on tv, and in magazines that they think they have to have these huge extravaganzas to be one of the beautiful people. You aren't one of the so called beautiful people. Get Real! I have to agree on this. I would rather do a park wedding on a shoestring budget than start my marriage being a puppet on my parent's string. But then again, if the B&G want to continue getting goodies from the rich parents rather than standing on their own two feet, then playing this part is the way to go. I also find it hard to believe that there isn't some extravagance they couldn't have cut to increase the guest list.
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murphath
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Post by murphath on Jul 9, 2012 12:08:05 GMT -5
Murpath, why didn't your niece in law pony up some cash to get her friends included? murphath, who in the world has 8 bridesmaids, 8 groomsmen, and all the other attendants if they aren't super wealthy? If you can't afford to invite the people in your life that are nearest, and dearest, you are having the wrong kind of wedding. Maybe, people see so much on tv, and in magazines that they think they have to have these huge extravaganzas to be one of the beautiful people. You aren't one of the so called beautiful people. Get Real! |
The locale will only accommodate 200 people--that's reason #1. Reason #2: the couple just bought a house and spent all their available cash on a down payment. And yes, her parents have the money to foot the bill. He's an exec with Coca Cola. And she is their only daughter. As for the 8 bridesmaids and 8 groomsmen, that seems to be the norm these days. At least at the weddings I've attended. Now at my own wedding oh-so-many-years ago, we had a maid of honor and a best man. That was it! I also told the photographer he had 15 minutes for church photos after the ceremony and forbade him from coming to my house for the typical "getting ready" pictures. He was to take candid photos during the reception--nothing posed. I hate posing for pictures! But I must say the ones he took are very good.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 10, 2012 9:09:30 GMT -5
If they had money for a down payment on a house, then they could have paid for a formal wedding themselves. Nobody put a gun to their heads and forced them to buy a house. And since they had a house, if inviting all their friends to their wedding was that importatnt to them, they could have had a church wedding and then a backyard reception. These aren't two hapless kids who haven't gotten out from under the thumb of a domineering parent. These are two adults who decided that having a platnum wedding on someone else's dime was more important to them than having all their friends come to their wedding. And if some of the uninvited friends get offended and decide not to put much effort into the friendship, one can hardly blame them.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 11, 2012 7:46:59 GMT -5
murphath, it sounds more like her dad is using it as business entertaining than his daughter's wedding. It seems to have become the norm. My Cousin's husband did that with their wedding. They had a HUGE wedding and under 20% of it was friends and family. The rest were his buisness clients, partners, and connections. Friends and family, while given good seating at the actual ceremony, were given crappy seats at the reception, but we all had a good time anyway, since we were all stuffed in a corner together. We made the best of it
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murphath
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Post by murphath on Jul 11, 2012 10:33:24 GMT -5
Yesterday at 10:40pm, hootieman wrote: murphath, it sounds more like her dad is using it as business entertaining than his daughter's wedding. It seems to have become the norm. |
Exactly. My nephew could care less about this whole thing. He'd elope if his fiance would go along with it. But she is the product of two very strong willed and wealthy parents. She is very nice, and we like her, but she also has a tendency toward the extravagant as well. My DD1 has decided to have a destination wedding in order to simplify things. DD2 will probably go with a church wedding, but on a smaller scale. It will be interesting to see how DS goes. His current GF is also the only female child. She and DS were both theater majors so who knows what they will come up with!
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 11, 2012 11:37:29 GMT -5
I'm telling you they just didn't want a baby there. they didn't want to take a chance of a kid crying during the ceremony. They figured they had it covered with the shower and that way you could go to something and then they didn't have to worry about a baby crying at their big expensive wedding. that's all it is, they can use all the excuses in the world but its only that one. these thins have turned into productions, not weddings, then in a year or two a divorce. Maybe, but I tend to think there's also an element of greed here. Everyone knows that wedding shower with more than 20 guests is nothing more than a gift grab. The only time these things aren't excrutiatingly boring is when you are very close to the bride. And since wedding showers are a relatively cheap event, you end up getting more in gifts than the cost of the party. So to invite people to the wedding shower and not the wedding is a really good way to get a lot in gifts without layyig out too much cash.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 11, 2012 13:18:23 GMT -5
It's still tacky. I'm okay with no kids/babies at weddings if that is what the bride and groom want but you don't EVER invite someone to the shower that you don't invite to the wedding.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2012 14:54:38 GMT -5
I'm telling you they just didn't want a baby there. they didn't want to take a chance of a kid crying during the ceremony. They figured they had it covered with the shower and that way you could go to something and then they didn't have to worry about a baby crying at their big expensive wedding. that's all it is, they can use all the excuses in the world but its only that one. these thins have turned into productions, not weddings, then in a year or two a divorce. Maybe, but I tend to think there's also an element of greed here. Everyone knows that wedding shower with more than 20 guests is nothing more than a gift grab. The only time these things aren't excrutiatingly boring is when you are very close to the bride. And since wedding showers are a relatively cheap event, you end up getting more in gifts than the cost of the party. So to invite people to the wedding shower and not the wedding is a really good way to get a lot in gifts without layyig out too much cash. since the bride doesn't pay for the shower, any gifts she gets is above and beyond what she paid.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2012 14:56:21 GMT -5
I'm telling you they just didn't want a baby there. they didn't want to take a chance of a kid crying during the ceremony. They figured they had it covered with the shower and that way you could go to something and then they didn't have to worry about a baby crying at their big expensive wedding. that's all it is, they can use all the excuses in the world but its only that one. these thins have turned into productions, not weddings, then in a year or two a divorce. unless they think their friends are complete idiots and don't understand the concept that only those people whose names appear on a wedding invitation are actually invited, then it has nothing to do with the baby and everything to do with them being classless.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 11, 2012 14:59:01 GMT -5
Everyone knows that wedding shower with more than 20 guests is nothing more than a gift grab.
Hmm. ..wonder if that is what DH's entire family thinks of me. His family is rather large. I had well over 20 people at my shower.
Every single person at my shower was invited to my wedding.
I've also seen every single one of them many many times in the four years we've been married.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 11, 2012 15:26:09 GMT -5
Yesterday at 10:40pm, hootieman wrote: murphath, it sounds more like her dad is using it as business entertaining than his daughter's wedding. It seems to have become the norm. |
Exactly. My nephew could care less about this whole thing. He'd elope if his fiance would go along with it. But she is the product of two very strong willed and wealthy parents. She is very nice, and we like her, but she also has a tendency toward the extravagant as well. My DD1 has decided to have a destination wedding in order to simplify things. DD2 will probably go with a church wedding, but on a smaller scale. It will be interesting to see how DS goes. His current GF is also the only female child. She and DS were both theater majors so who knows what they will come up with! Clears throat. And the business purpose of this event was what? And what business was discussed? Hope they get audited but I guess it is a little unlikely. Rich people are overtaxed. Yeah right. They don't pay their fair share. Murphath: On the destination wedding you seem to be fine with it. I assume it will not cause you a financial hardship to attend. My SIL was telling me earlier this month that her StepSon is getting married in Jamaica in Feb. It is a couples only resort. The rooms are for couples. They don't care if it is a Man and a Woman or 2 Women or 2 Men but they are for couples. You can not have 3 to a room. So she can not bring her 19 year old and have him stay in the room with his parents. SIL said she needs to come up with $7500 by Feb to pay for just her family. I told her let him get married in Jamaica and have a party for him when he comes back. My brother "eloped" to vegas and we had a party for him when they got back. It was not a "destination" wedding where the guests were invited to share in the expense of the reception. The thing that really drove me nuts about the whole wedding in Jamaica was that they chose an adults only resort. This guy has joint custody of his 4 year old. He is on Active Duty in the Mid east, so my BIL and SIL have the child 1/2 the week. SO daddy and grandma and grandpa and all her aunts and uncles are at a resort for a week and children are not allowed. Who is going to take care of the little girl. If I had a child and was getting married, I would want them to participate. My BIL and SIL live paycheck to paycheck. When we discussed getting passports and how Canada will not allow you in if you have a DUI SIL mentioned bil owes about $7,000 in fines and judgements (and he has a DUI) so she was unsure if he could get a passport. On being invited to the shower and not the wedding, I think this couple is nuts. It was rude and their explanation did not even begin to cover up the rudeness of it. I would no longer consider them friends. I would not send a card or a gift or waste my time attending the shower.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jul 12, 2012 11:14:09 GMT -5
At this point, I've given up trying to parse if they were more "well we don't want the baby at our wedding" or more "we just can't afford to invite you to the wedding, here's a consolation party instead." I'm washing my hands of it.
They're just tacky people in general about the whole wedding, it's not like this is the only rude thing they have done. They just do not care about etiquette at all as far as I can tell, whether out of greed or just thinking it's all old fashioned or just not caring enough. I don't know if everyone recently posting has read the whole thread, but they also have a honeymoon registry and no traditional registry -- and said "no boxed gifts" on the shower invite! Basically demanding all their guests to donate money to go towards their honeymoon.
They're trying to do a big fancy wedding on a tiny budget and a rushed schedule -- they only left 5 months for planning, so I think that is hurting their ability to look for good deals -- and then are trying to cut corners and get people to pay for things they can't afford, like their honeymoon.
The bride is running the show a lot more than the groom, and I've decided I'm not going to bother trying to maintain a friendship with her. DH is close to the groom and DH can figure out how much this bothers him. We're sending the $30 to give DH the option to maintain the friendship....also personally for me, if I get an invite to a wedding or shower I think it's rude to not send a gift. I know it's not good to reward her rudeness but it doesn't mean I have to be rude right back. I'm trying to take the high road.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jul 12, 2012 14:30:09 GMT -5
Savecents - sounds like a good plan but be prepared for her bad-mouthing you for being cheap and "only" giving $30. People like that are awful! They seem to forget what the word "gift" means.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jul 12, 2012 16:10:27 GMT -5
Savecents - sounds like a good plan but be prepared for her bad-mouthing you for being cheap and "only" giving $30. People like that are awful! They seem to forget what the word "gift" means. I don't think even this bride has the gall to call me cheap to my face after the awkward discussions we've had about this situation so far. But if it happens to get around in our social circle I will be truthful: Where I come from, shower gifts are small -- under $25 usually, or something homemade. You bring something small to the shower and save your big gift for the wedding. If she wanted the big bucks, she should have invited me to the main event.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 12, 2012 16:40:55 GMT -5
Heh heh, I love it!
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jul 12, 2012 16:46:07 GMT -5
Savecents - IMHO you are being extremely generous and I think it is great that you are doing all you can to preserve the friendship between your DH and the groom.
Doubtful she would say it to your face but one never knows - some of the things I have seen greedy people say and do amaze even me! Just wanted you to be prepared in case she is a total idiot.
Any idea how many other people were invited to the shower and not the wedding?
ETA: FWIW - etiquette and common sense dictate that showers are given by friends of the honoree, not family or the honoree herself.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 12, 2012 17:11:17 GMT -5
I doubt she has many friends at this point.
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