Invited to shower and not wedding? UPDATE

[Clever Username]

I'm probably a great example of kids vs adults only weddings.
I've got 4 little ones ranging from 3 to 9.
They will behave at your wedding.
But they are also a force of nature. They will change the atmosphere. When the DJ starts, they will be on the dance floor.

IMHO, I think much of the decision comes down to your overall guest list.
I went to an adults only wedding a few weeks ago.
The couple just didn't know many with young kids.
Bringing mine would have skewed the atmosphere away from the majority of their guests.

[973beachbum]

Jun 25, 2012 10:58:04 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

Jun 24, 2012 15:27:27 GMT -5 @hootieman said:

Most people who do that add a note that says no children please.

well you don't actually have to do that. unless the kids' names are on the invite, they aren't invited.

that is the way I alays understood it. It gets a little long winded on the envelope when it is a family of four or more but that is why they can use extra lines.

The last two weddings we went to had all four of our names on the front of the envelope. My nine year old thought it was so cool to see his name on it. ;D

Around here people also bring a present to both if they are invited to both.

[savecents]

hootieman -- Thanks for sharing your stories -- I guess some people just get really thoughtless around weddings. I will find something small to send.

kids at weddings -- They didn't mention anything about kids not coming on the invite I saw on facebook. So it's a bit odd if that's why I'm being restricted. I was planning on a babysitter anyway if invited.

[Clever Username]

Jun 25, 2012 19:43:32 GMT -5 savecents said:

kids at weddings -- They didn't mention anything about kids not coming on the invite I saw on facebook. So it's a bit odd if that's why I'm being restricted. I was planning on a babysitter anyway if invited.

This is my pet peeve.
Yeah, I have kids.
I get it, they're not always invited everywhere.
Heck, I don't want to be around them 100% of the time.

But... who, what, where, when, if, how and why I work around that issue is all up to me.

Start presuming and you start loosing respect.

[skubikky]

Jun 25, 2012 19:43:32 GMT -5 savecents said:

hootieman -- Thanks for sharing your stories -- I guess some people just get really thoughtless around weddings. I will find something small to send.

kids at weddings -- They didn't mention anything about kids not coming on the invite I saw on facebook. So it's a bit odd if that's why I'm being restricted. I was planning on a babysitter anyway if invited.

I think you've jumped the gun on this a bit. You've strung together this theory(a bit far fetched I think) regarding bringing your baby to the wedding....blah blah blah without strongly considering the possibility that there was an oversight in getting your invitation to you.

You've spent all this time and energy discussing it with everyone except the bride. Contact her or the groom and ask. They won't crumble. And, they won't be anymore upset that you already are at being overlooked for the wedding yet invited to the shower. You're so busy worrying that you'll be perceived negatively for asking but the damage has been done. If there was an error, I'd think that the bride would want to know. If not, it's still good for the bride to know that either she's a half-wit or whomever gave the shower shouldn't have invited you.....and that your feelings have been hurt.

[zibazinski]

You don't invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. Not now and not ever.

[Opti]

OP are you going to ask her why or is it time for me to stop checking this thread?

[savecents]

skubikky -- I know I need to ask, but they're still on vacation.

Optimist -- I plan on asking but they're camping. They should be back soon.

[suziq38]

I love it when the bride lists 3 places to buy stuff for her wedding gift, and a lot of it cost OVER $100.00.

[marvholly]

Jun 26, 2012 23:20:49 GMT -5 suziq38 said:

I love it when the bride lists 3 places to buy stuff for her wedding gift, and a lot of it cost OVER $100.00.

That is when I go w/a check or gift card to one of 'those' places for what I want/can afford to spend.

[zibazinski]

I ignore those kind of people and invites. Platinum weddings and attitudes are not my thing.

[mizbear]

I have sang at several weddings- I was supposed to sing at one in November, until the bride informed me that I would have to attend ALL bridal events- a my expense, wear $2000 dress- at my expense, AND (this is the kicker) my payment would be that I would be ALLOWED to eat at the reception.

Hopefully- this will all work out.
Talk about Bridezilla!

[zibazinski]

Uh, they are supposed to PAY you and YOU eat for free! Of course you wear something nice but not what she decides you wear unless she is paying for it.

[Deleted]

Jun 27, 2012 20:53:33 GMT -5 mizbear said:

I have sang at several weddings- I was supposed to sing at one in November, until the bride informed me that I would have to attend ALL bridal events- a my expense, wear $2000 dress- at my expense, AND (this is the kicker) my payment would be that I would be ALLOWED to eat at the reception.

Hopefully- this will all work out.
Talk about Bridezilla!

If you are hired to sing at someone's wedding, then dont' you negotiate your own terms to do so? And, if you are doing it for free as a friend, then you simply tell them what you can and cannot do in order to be there to sing for them.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

AND (this is the kicker) my payment would be that I would be ALLOWED to eat at the reception



That must have been a hell of a catered meal if the price of admission was a $2k dress.

When I hired people for my wedding I didn't get to dictate how much they spent on clothing to wear at my wedding, nor did I have them attend any bridal events outside of the actual wedding.

[zibazinski]

I hope you said thanks but no thanks.

[mizbear]

Actually my answer was Hell No and something about the Zombie Apocalypse and Karaoke.

[savecents]

Okay so they got back from their camping trip. DH talked to the groom -- apparently they did overestimate their budget, and felt obligated to invite a bunch of people from our social circle because they had gone to their weddings. We didn't invite them to ours but that's because we got married before we met them. By the end they were looking for excuses to cut people and figured we wouldn't want to be bothered coming with a 2-month old or make arrangements for the baby.

So then I talked to the bride and she thought I'd want to come to the shower because presumably I could leave the baby with DH. And it would still be a way for me to participate somewhat without having to deal with the full day event. I told her I'd have to see how we were both feeling -- the place for the shower is still an hour drive for me so it's looking like a six hour event, which might be too much for me or the baby if I bring him.

So the baby was part of it, but really they were looking for excuses to cut down their list and the baby was a good option.

Probably will just end up sending a card with $30 check. The unfortunate part for them is if we'd received an invitation to the wedding they would have gotten at least $100 even if we decided not to come.

[Jaguar]

Jul 3, 2012 23:27:26 GMT -5 savecents said:

Okay so they got back from their camping trip. DH talked to the groom -- apparently they did overestimate their budget, and felt obligated to invite a bunch of people from our social circle because they had gone to their weddings. We didn't invite them to ours but that's because we got married before we met them. By the end they were looking for excuses to cut people and figured we wouldn't want to be bothered coming with a 2-month old or make arrangements for the baby.

So then I talked to the bride and she thought I'd want to come to the shower because presumably I could leave the baby with DH. And it would still be a way for me to participate somewhat without having to deal with the full day event. I told her I'd have to see how we were both feeling -- the place for the shower is still an hour drive for me so it's looking like a six hour event, which might be too much for me or the baby if I bring him.

So the baby was part of it, but really they were looking for excuses to cut down their list and the baby was a good option.

Probably will just end up sending a card with $30 check. The unfortunate part for them is if we'd received an invitation to the wedding they would have gotten at least $100 even if we decided not to come.

You having a baby was no excuse for their shoddy behavior. It should have been you and your husband who should have made the decision to go or not, NOT THEM. I personally think giving $30 is too much. I would instead send them a box of c.r.a.c.k.e.r jacks and be done with them for good. It's rude, pure, plain and simple.

[Jaguar]

Jul 4, 2012 0:00:37 GMT -5 @hootieman said:

Typical idiots.

& more so.

[zibazinski]

I understand they over budgeted and now have too many guests. Then say so up front and you do not invite to the shower when you don't invite to the wedding. That is nothing more than a gift grab. How embarrassing to be probably the only one there not going to the wedding. Keep your baby, your thirty dollars, and stay home. Sending a card is polite, something she might learn from.

[Deleted]

Jul 3, 2012 23:27:26 GMT -5 savecents said:

.

Probably will just end up sending a card with $30 check. The unfortunate part for them is if we'd received an invitation to the wedding they would have gotten at least $100 even if we decided not to come.

Bad job on their part. If there was only some way to figure out who on the guest list was going to give the most and then create the invitation list from top to bottom. Like those cousins you only see at weddings and funuerals who give $20. They are out and the acquaintance from work who feels obligation to give more to keep the business connection up is in.

[marvholly]

What inept, soccial JERKS!!

They would get NOTHING from me. I would NOT even waste a stamp on them let alone a $5-6 card & check.

[zibazinski]

Me either but the OP is part of that social circle, just not enough of a part to warrant a full invitation.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

So then I talked to the bride and she thought I'd want to come to the shower because presumably I could leave the baby with DH. And it would still be a way for me to participate somewhat without having to deal with the full day event to get a gift out of you without having to cost her anything.

Fixed.

[Opti]

Jul 3, 2012 23:27:26 GMT -5 savecents said:

Okay so they got back from their camping trip. DH talked to the groom -- apparently they did overestimate their budget, and felt obligated to invite a bunch of people from our social circle because they had gone to their weddings. We didn't invite them to ours but that's because we got married before we met them. By the end they were looking for excuses to cut people and figured we wouldn't want to be bothered coming with a 2-month old or make arrangements for the baby.

So then I talked to the bride and she thought I'd want to come to the shower because presumably I could leave the baby with DH. And it would still be a way for me to participate somewhat without having to deal with the full day event. I told her I'd have to see how we were both feeling -- the place for the shower is still an hour drive for me so it's looking like a six hour event, which might be too much for me or the baby if I bring him.

So the baby was part of it, but really they were looking for excuses to cut down their list and the baby was a good option.

Probably will just end up sending a card with $30 check. The unfortunate part for them is if we'd received an invitation to the wedding they would have gotten at least $100 even if we decided not to come.

Interesting. I'm sure there's some back story there, but if she really felt you wouldn't come she would have sent the invitation. She was worried you both would accept and apparently thought pissing you off for the cost of food was a good trade-off. Anyone with sense knows most people would rather go to the wedding than the shower.
She's rationalized her choice well and possibly with her future DH's OK.

My guess is her DH thought your DH wouldn't be all that upset and wouldn't affect their friendship so this is what they came up with.
I'm not sure what I would do, but I'd have a hard time forgetting my friendship and good will wasn't worth risking whatever the cost of food,drinks for two at the wedding would be. Thanks for updating us.
I was curious what the outcome would be.

[zibazinski]

Guys do take this less seriously than women do, but it still was a shitty trick on her/their part.

[zibazinski]

I'm not driving an hour to go to someone's shower who didn't think I was good enough for a wedding invitation. That is a gift grab, plain and simple. The future bride should be shamed at her poor manners.

[Deleted]

women are insane. I think that is what we have learned here.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm glad you have an answer to what was going on.