savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 17, 2012 20:29:09 GMT -5
The fact that you want to go to their wedding is a great thing. I see more people complaining about having to go than not getting to go. And, since you are good friends, i would see nothing wrong with simply expressing disappointment that you won't get to be a part of their wedding. And, maybe it is a family only event. Maybe there is a limit and one of the spouses was pressured to stick to that guest limit or who knows? There could be a million answers. Or, maybe you feel closer to them than they do to you. That is a bummer but i have had that happen to me as well. And, if that is the case, then they might not be as good friends as you think. But, for the wedding "crazies", i know that when we planned our wedding, there were a lot of things we simply forgot. I forgot to set up a table for the inlaws and so forth. Sometimes your brain just quits functioning. Yes I remember completely forgetting some things planning my wedding because there's so much to micromanage. So I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. It just has the potential to get very awkward since we see each other so much, and I want to try to approach the situation to minimize that.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Jun 18, 2012 10:39:34 GMT -5
Well, if they went to your shower and gave a gift, then do the same for them but don't do anything else in the future. If you want to ask about why you aren't invited to the wedding, then do so, or just accept the fact that they really don't feel close enough to you to invite you to the wedding.
ETA: Think of it this way, if she didn't feel that close to you and got your shower invites, then she probably saw it as a shakedown but went anyway to keep the peace. Now, it is her turn, and you can go to the shower, give a decent gift and the two of you will be even. Then you can go on with your superficial relationship.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 18, 2012 11:09:51 GMT -5
Is it possible they're doing a wedding with no kids and assumed you'd bring the baby?
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 18, 2012 16:40:04 GMT -5
Maybe I am just not up to date with the times- but I don't understand the concept of "Please don't bring your child to my wedding"
I would rather have 20 typical children than 1 uppity adult at my event.
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startsmart
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Post by startsmart on Jun 18, 2012 18:42:52 GMT -5
Weird situation. Depending on how close we were and how close I wanted to be I might respond with some snark.
Still want to be friends: "Sorry I can't make it, here's a card." Costs got out of hand and no sympathy is given: "hope the wedding is lovely and everyone enjoys it. Good luck raising cash for the honeymoon!" card Think you're a jerk: "I plan on bringing the check to the wedding, when are the invites going out?" Tired and fed up response: "I realize now that it was my faux pas to invite you to my baby shower but not the birth which is likely the reason I was invited to your shower but not the wedding. Want to come over and watch the video of the birth? I'd be happy to scream along so you get the real feel of the actual event. What time is the wedding?"
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 18, 2012 20:20:20 GMT -5
formerroomate99 -- That is a good way of looking at it, as a reciprocal sort of thing. I just thought we were closer which is why it was a shock. Wisconsin Beth -- It's possible they don't want kids but I'm always saying how I'm planning on getting babysitters so DH and I can go out on a date once in a while without the baby. They should be pretty aware I have no problem with babysitters. mizbear -- I know it's supposed to be a family thing so why no kids? Only thing I can think is people don't want to pay $70 a plate for a toddler that's just going to throw the food about. Or some people have strict ideas that kids shouldn't see people drinking, so if they're having alcohol at their wedding they don't want kids there. startsmart -- "Tired and fed up response" is awesome! Karma button cannot reset fast enough. I love the screaming part.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 18, 2012 20:35:16 GMT -5
I would ask the next time you see her - plus then you get to see her squirm! lol
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2012 7:28:33 GMT -5
Maybe I am just not up to date with the times- but I don't understand the concept of "Please don't bring your child to my wedding" I would rather have 20 typical children than 1 uppity adult at my event. because when you're reception is from 6-11 pm, not too many kids are at their best after an hour or 2. It's the bride and groom's choice to have or not have kids and if someone can't leave their child with a babysitter for a few hours, then they can decline the wedding invite.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 20, 2012 1:11:35 GMT -5
I would ask the next time you see her - plus then you get to see her squirm! lol Probably will ask in some way or other... they're still camping so I have some time to figure out the best way to do it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2012 7:38:23 GMT -5
Not me. I was very clear that babies and children were not allowed to ceremony or reception. Too many weddings and receptions are ruined by unhappy children. And their oblivious parents who, if had a brain, would have left them home anyway.
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suziq38
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Post by suziq38 on Jun 20, 2012 9:15:31 GMT -5
Just go, bring a gift, smile, and be the bigger person. You are right. Someday she will mature and realize how stupid it was to do that. You know your "social graces." She obviously does not.
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suziq38
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Post by suziq38 on Jun 20, 2012 9:16:27 GMT -5
No little children or babies unless they are children of the bride and groom. Especially if it is a formal wedding.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 20, 2012 9:18:36 GMT -5
I realize now that it was my faux pas to invite you to my baby shower but not the birth which is likely the reason I was invited to your shower but not the wedding
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Jun 20, 2012 11:06:08 GMT -5
You can opt to skip the shower, but still send a wedding gift since the groom and your DH are close. If your DH knows the groom well enough, you could go off-registry since it's so small and get something more geared toward the groom. One of my DH's favorite wedding gifts was some type of saw thing from one of his best friends - definitely for him and not me (though I get to enjoy the stuff he makes with it), but most wedding gifts are more for the bride (unless the groom is the cook in the family) so I thought the gift for my DH was pretty cool.
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pepper112765
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Post by pepper112765 on Jun 20, 2012 11:08:50 GMT -5
Have your husband ask the groom since they are pretty cool with each other.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 20, 2012 12:37:03 GMT -5
Reception until 11pm?? C'mon, the pasta salad only holds out so long. Of course most weddings here are held during the day.
And I guess my family is just odd- most of us do not believe in not including children in family events- even formal weddings. We also don't spend $70 a plate on caterers. Most of the time, we make the food ourselves. I can count on one hand how many catered weddings there have been in this family. And they were brides marrying in. But not ostentatious.
That said, I think you should make some gesture think the hubbies are buds- but I think it's tacky to invite to one and not the other.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 20, 2012 12:48:07 GMT -5
My wedding reception went until midnight.
I don't want to spend the time before my wedding prepping food and decorating some place. I paid a restaurant to do it.
To each their own.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 20, 2012 12:48:13 GMT -5
Mizbear, I think every area is different. The convention for the area I grew up in was the actual wedding mid-afternoon to late afternoon with a reception following. Sit down dinners and receptions until 11PM were pretty common. In the area I live now, there are far more fancy receptions like those that have an appetizer/cocktail hour before opening up the reception room. Then there's what happened with relatives in small town Midwest. Held in the church basement or hall or sometimes in the backyard.
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Honeylioness
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Post by Honeylioness on Jun 21, 2012 0:17:00 GMT -5
startsmart - LOL, thank god there are other snarky people around to post things I don't get around to fast enough!! Loved the offer of coming over to see the birth video. savecents - I have no problem with a couple who are already established in their own households not wanting a lot of presents they don't need. Nor do I have an issue with a couple having a smaller wedding because they are paying for it themselves. Like others said though - I do take exception to this "modern" trend of asking for money. And for a honeymoon? Just where is it written that you are OWED a honeymoon? Or that it has to be to some exotic / expensive location? If you cannot afford the trip - then you don't take it .. .DUH !!!!!! Perhaps it is because of my age, or just my inate directness but I would say something directly to the couple. Not because I would feel the need to know what they were thinking ... but so they would know what I am thinking. Her: Hey Jane, so nice to see you. How was your week? You: Not bad. So you have sent out the wedding invitations already I see. Her: Oh .. ummm, yeah. You: Yes. Polly, Elaine and Cynthia posted on FB that they received theirs and what they are planning on wearing. Her: Ah, I didn't know that ..... You: Yeah, one of the bad things about technology. You get to find out you have been snubbed and not invited to the wedding of a person you considered a friend. But hey - at least now I know that the friendship was one-sided. I hope you have a nice day {leave} And I think you should only send a nice card for the wedding and NOT contribute money at all. What are they planning on doing with the money if they don't get "enough" to pay for the honeymoon they want? Pay off bills? gamble it away? use it to buy a new car? mizbear - Things are really different depending on where you live and what your family traditions are. Personally I would hire someone from my church's nursery school to monitor a room for all the children during the ceremony since they are just going to be fidgety and bored. I have no problems with them at the reception. Most parents will be aware f just how long their kids can handle being up past their bedtime.
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startsmart
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Post by startsmart on Jun 21, 2012 11:03:54 GMT -5
On the no kids rule, I actually had friends married in 2005 who had the minister announce the following,
"if your children begin to cry or fuss, please do not feel the need to leave. We knew you had kids when we invited you, we love your kids. We'll all just do what parents do and ignore them for the duration. You've traveled a long way and please, enjoy the wedding."
I thought it was pretty classy, especially since the couple's siblings would have been standing in the back instead of enjoying the ceremony.
But it's each couple's choice and my cousin just wrote on the invite "no children please" knowing that the venue was small, the party would go late, children would be bored and the budget was small. No hard feelings were had.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 21, 2012 15:04:29 GMT -5
Weddings with children: We ended up not having any children at our wedding, but we didn't restrict them either. But the wedding was at our college which meant an at least 3-6 hour drive for most attendees -- I just don't think they wanted to bring the kids for the trip. suziq38 -- I will probably come up with a small gift, but it's up in the air as to whether or not I'm going to feel up to going physically. New baby is a good excuse. If it were me I would be embarrassed to do this to someone. tcu2003 -- I am going to see if we can come up with something the groom might like particularly. They're generally hard to gift for. pepper112765 -- I would have DH do it but then it feels like I'm just chickening out. But then again with my pregnancy hormones it might be the better option so I don't end up crying or really upset during the conversation. Although that would probably make her feel worse if she isn't inviting us.... mizbear -- It is pretty tacky... I will give some sort of small gift though just to keep the peace. Also I feel it's rude to not send a gift if you get an invite to a shower. No point in me being rude just because she was. Honeylioness -- The honeymoon payment website is a whole different etiquette can of worms. I mean we got a lot of cash for our wedding, you usually do -- but we didn't ask. Also the 'no boxed gifts' seems extra ungrateful to me -- it says that right on the invite too, I know because one of our friends put a pic up of the invite on facebook because they thought it was so pretty. Which is how this all started. It's like you have to give cash. I'm not sure how the site works if they don't raise enough money -- I didn't look at it in detail because if we weren't going, I definitely wasn't going to bother, and if we are then I'd rather just give them a check. Those honeymoon sites skim a percentage off the top for the service, so if you gift that way the couple doesn't even get the full amount.
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startsmart
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Post by startsmart on Jun 21, 2012 17:48:53 GMT -5
"no boxed gifts"
wow, that's a whole 'nother level of tacky! Of course I'm a smarta$$ so I'd probably bring a big something and put it in a bag. Maybe one of those glass Ikea bowls that costs like $2.
Just be honest, greedy people of the world! Put on the invite "give us cash or don't show up" and make it clear that you're only grateful when people do exactly what you want.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 21, 2012 19:32:44 GMT -5
"no boxed gifts"- I would put it in a huge packing box loaded with packing peanuts and duck tape the sucker.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Jun 22, 2012 6:54:14 GMT -5
Jeez: More, More Tacky No Boxed Gifts. Like startsmart I think I may just be perverse enough to bring my gift (IF any) in a plastic garbage bag if I saw that.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 22, 2012 19:32:22 GMT -5
I would feel badly about putting this on an invite.. What if someone wanted to make something homemade -- we got a beautiful quilt for our wedding -- or purchasing something that would be heirloom quality that would last a lifetime. Some of my relatives thought registering was tacky -- I can't imagine what they would do if I had a requirement like this!
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 23, 2012 22:53:16 GMT -5
patstab -- None of our local friends have kids. They're all mostly about 5 years younger and are in the getting married phase, not the having kid phase for the most part. I imagine it's going to be a difficult transition all around.
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savecents
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Post by savecents on Jun 24, 2012 13:04:14 GMT -5
I would bet they are afraid you would bring the kid to the wedding, young people getting married have their priorities all screwed. They will realize later but right now its all about their day, that seems to be all they focus on. I think that last posting explains it all. I imagine the baby has something to do with it. I imagine they're too focused on their visions of the wedding and probably don't want kids there.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Jun 25, 2012 7:26:54 GMT -5
Pat You are being WAAAY too nice. These 'kids' should have parents who guide and teach them right from wrong and propper manners.
What am I saying. It is SOOOO seldom that I see anyone who know how to 'wait their turn' at a 4 way stop sign, right on red or check out line.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 7:32:09 GMT -5
Presents at both is the normal around here, too. The low class part was sending them out on the day of the wedding. Around here, the invitations are sent out around 2 months before the wedding. Anything inside that and you can consider yourself on the "B List".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 10:58:04 GMT -5
I imagine the baby has something to do with it. I imagine they're too focused on their visions of the wedding and probably don't want kids there. Most people who do that add a note that says no children please. well you don't actually have to do that. unless the kids' names are on the invite, they aren't invited.
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