quince
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 23, 2011 17:51:12 GMT -5
Posts: 2,699
|
Post by quince on Jun 13, 2012 18:55:57 GMT -5
My partner is fantastic. I do the dishes, he unloads them. I do laundry, he does the majority of the cleaning around the house. We both do the yard and anything else that comes up. He's firm in that not only will I not be doing all the parenting, even if I leave my job to stay home with the (currently hypothetical) kids, he expects to do a share of the parenting and housework. He's fantastic, and I'm just waiting to stumble across the bodies he's buried in the back yard because he's TOO fantastic.
|
|
sbcalimom
Familiar Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 21:27:25 GMT -5
Posts: 890
|
Post by sbcalimom on Jun 13, 2012 19:42:46 GMT -5
My DH has cycles of uselessness that usually revolve around how much work he as and how recently I've exploded about his lack of help. He has gotten significantly better since the beginning of this year after I got really, really fed up and told him I had a plan in place to leave him. It also helped that quite a few of our friends ended up divorcing over the same issues we're having so I think that finally made him realize how serious this was. The largest part of our issue is that he is really, truly oblivious to the mess. He simply has no concept of when something is dirty or needs to be cleaned and his idea of cleaning is moving stuff from one room to another but never actually putting it away. It drives me batty but I've kind of given up and give him very specific tasks to complete rather than just saying "clean the living room." Right now he is doing next to nothing because he is frantically trying to finish the first draft of his dissertation before the end of June but this time he actually talked to me about it ahead of time and we worked out a plan to accommodate that. This is the first time in the 5 years of his program that he's actually done it before hand so I feel like we're at least making progress.
One thing that irks me to no end though is when I leave for the weekend, everyone is all worried about how he's going to manage or how can I leave him alone with two little ones. You'd think I was running away forever rather than taking 3 days to myself. But, when he leaves 4x in 4 months, no one even thinks to offer to help or thinks there's anything wrong with me being on my own. I mean, how is it any different if it is dad home alone vs mom home alone? In a lot of ways it is even harder for me to be home alone on weekends since that's when I do a majority of my work.
|
|
Malarky
Junior Associate
Truth and snark are equal opportunity here.
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 21:00:51 GMT -5
Posts: 5,313
|
Post by Malarky on Jun 13, 2012 20:07:38 GMT -5
In the grand scheme of things, I think DH and are are running neck and neck. We started out 20ish years ago with me making more money. Craploads if stuff happened over the years. Fast forward to today...he makes almost triple. I get to have a job I love (that would-just barely- support me and the kids, just not in the style I've become accustomed to.) DH is amazing. He was the best with the kids when they were infants and inconsolable-even though he tells you he likes them older and understandable. Random strangers kids are attracted to him. He's just that good. Screaming random kids just stop dead and smile at him. I like him and all, but even I don't get it. He is so freaking reasonable. And helpful. And yet, sometimes I find myself with hands on hips screaming "Am I the only one in this house who needs to waste their entire day off cleaning?" He puts the dishes away and yet doesn't seem to notice the counter is dirty... I meant to only say nice things about him....oh well...
|
|
Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 13, 2012 20:12:17 GMT -5
To answer the OP...
There's a different dynamic to every relationship. Sometimes the guy or gal is just lazy, but sometimes one spouse is a control freak and the other person can't do a good enough job so the control freak ends up doing everything. And even though we live in the 21st century, many women and men are raised with specific ideas about what they are supposed to do (and not do) as far as household chores. Some women genuinelly believe that men can't be parents and are just a paycheck while some men believe that cleaning house, cooking and shopping is "women's work." It doesn't help that a lot of boys don't have a good role model.
|
|
weltschmerz
Community Leader
Joined: Jul 25, 2011 13:37:39 GMT -5
Posts: 38,962
|
Post by weltschmerz on Jun 13, 2012 22:56:04 GMT -5
Any chick that I would shack up with, would be lucky and have it good. -I'm decent looking...you know, serviceable. -I am a gourmet cook and clean up afterward -I do my own laundry and iron if needed -I handle my own finances and bill paying -Do yard work -I can do light house maintenance -I clean the house - I talk about my feeling-I am a great dancer -I am good in the sack The list goes on and on.... I'll have to admit that I am a great catch, it is embarrassing to admit it. You just have the one? (No wonder you attract the psychos)
|
|
❤ mollymouser ❤
Senior Associate
Sarcasm is my Superpower
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:09:58 GMT -5
Posts: 12,857
Today's Mood: Gen X ... so I'm sarcastic and annoyed
Location: Central California
Favorite Drink: Diet Mountain Dew
|
Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jun 13, 2012 23:07:21 GMT -5
My wonderful DH is always willing to help out around the house, when he's home and has time. He's far better at assembling things than am I (OK, I'm hideous at that), and he actually knows how to operate power tools. I am pretty much responsible for most things around the inside of the house (except for repairs/maintenance and killing of scary bugs) ... but when he's gone, everything's my responsibility.
I should note that he works and I stay home, so I am not complaining at all. (I volunteer full time for a local nonprofit, I just don't get paid!)
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Jun 14, 2012 8:32:43 GMT -5
You guys weren't supposed to be impressed with my lazy brother's two dishwasher thing! That is just the tip of the iceberg in his laziness. He lives in a nice neighborhood and has the one house on the block who's entire front yard is nothing but weeds. He NEVER picks up his dog poop from his 3 labs. You can smell his yard from down the street. The city is frequently citing him for his weed problem (as in weeds being too tall and out of control- not him smoking) He refuses to snow-blow his driveway and calls a tow truck to pull him out of his driveway at least 3 times a winter.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 14, 2012 8:42:00 GMT -5
DF is not useless. Theres a lot he chooses not to do now because of his stage of life and that's okay. He lived on his own for many years and even when he was married, pretty much fended for himself. Now I care for him and that's all right with me. I hate yard work so we either hire it done or he does it while I supervise. He hates doing laundry so I do it. But he can do it just like I can do yard work.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 14, 2012 12:51:12 GMT -5
I enjoy reading those "can this marriage be saved" columns from time to time. The only one I saw about a perfectionist though was from 1995 where the guy was an architect.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2012 12:52:18 GMT -5
I got the newest LHJ magazine in the mail this week. Maybe they haven't put it online yet?
ETA: I would be happy to transcribe it for you if you like.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 14, 2012 12:55:58 GMT -5
...:::"I think that's part of the problem. Many people in society today don't ever live on their own, ever. Many go straight from college to living with their husband/wife/GF/BF, or from parents to with their spouse, or from college to roomates. Many never live alone.":::...
I thought living alone was MUCH more common today as people marry later and/or job hop or seek out new areas. My Mom told me she pretty much moved out of my grandparents house and in with my Dad (who also moved out of his Mom's place and in with her). Its just how it was done. No co-habitation. No "I want my own place".
I'm amending a previous statement: DW can be as useful or as useless as she wants to be depending on how she feels at any given moment. It is amazing to me how a person who can spend 8 hours cleaning one room (though admittedly that is as much about her fastidious nature and lofty standards that nobody but her can meet) is the same person who can procrastinate an important task for months on end, but always has time to read and "needs time to relax".
I wager with a lot of these people, its just laziness. Some people just choose not to do something... or are permitted never to have to do it.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,242
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 14, 2012 12:56:11 GMT -5
He lives in a nice neighborhood and has the one house on the block who's entire front yard is nothing but weedsMy poor DH hates our yard. He does his best to make it look good but we just don't have good grass. I'm not too upset about it but it drives him insane. We have out of control weeds we have to battle where our pine bushes used to be. One got so tall and big in just two weeks I was concerned that it was teh plant from Little Shop of Horrors.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 14, 2012 13:03:02 GMT -5
...:::"ETA: I would be happy to transcribe it for you if you like.":::...
I think you already said it, and sometimes it annoys me just how over-simplified the solution is. Either that, or the fact that one party is so oblivious to the problem.
There is one on there about "we haven't had sex in years". Low and behold, the man comes home and dumps his clothes on the couch and doesn't help with the kids and blah blah blah. He doesn't really help out his wife even when she asks. She constantly tells him how tired she is and how she has no energy. What a friggin' moron...
But as if that wasn't bad enough, what floored me is that the FIRST part of the problem the counselor tackled was the sex. She had them rekindle a flame by holding hands and stuff. They didn't mention having him stop throwing his clothes around or actually doing some work.
I read these things and I just roll my eyes. I know its condensed for quick reading since the good old American attention span is so short (*oooh, a shiny thing...***) but some of the problems these couples have are huge. I hate when the solutions are glossed over since often its the little details people overlook, but that make the biggest difference.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 7:30:06 GMT -5
From a ga's point of view, i think what puts us in "the mood" is feeling cared for by our spouse. To me, caring about me means doing your share of chores and working together to make our home nice and working together to get all the "stuff of life" done. And, doing so in a helpful, self starting way so as not to turn us into "nags" or make us just give up thinking it won't get done anyway. You cannot 'infantalize" another person. That person chooses to infantalize themselves. What happens is that the motivated, hard working spouse simply takes on all those things because they have to be done so the responsible spouse just steps in and does it, doesn't mean it is OK to the hard working spouse. And, we need to teach our children that in life, you need to pull your own weight. Our kids are just as responsible to help care for our home and do chores as we are. Everyone needs to get up off their arse and pitch in and work together. It makes for a nicer life for everyone.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 7:54:40 GMT -5
No, my partner is not useless. If she was, she wouldn't be my partner.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 8:31:06 GMT -5
I think it's all about perspective. I see that I have been cleaning the same 4 things over and over again and by the time 9:00 pm rolls around, if it's dirty again it's going to stay that way until tomorrow because I am quitting for the night. Whereas DH walk into the room, sees that "whatever" is not done and then thinks that I haven't cleaned it at all today. I like that the article said that each party has to give a little in order to make it better. THAT is what I am trying to impress upon him without having to resort to applying a frying pan to his head. I wouldn't categorize myself and infantile or useless (kinda lazy, sure). What I actually am is TIRED!! As I said above, I do take care of my house but it is not at the level nor on the timetable that DH would prefer. As far as I am concerned, if my standards aren't up to his then he can pitch in. We're a work in progress.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jun 15, 2012 8:37:31 GMT -5
You guys weren't supposed to be impressed with my lazy brother's two dishwasher thing! That is just the tip of the iceberg in his laziness. He lives in a nice neighborhood and has the one house on the block who's entire front yard is nothing but weeds. He NEVER picks up his dog poop from his 3 labs. You can smell his yard from down the street. The city is frequently citing him for his weed problem (as in weeds being too tall and out of control- not him smoking) He refuses to snow-blow his driveway and calls a tow truck to pull him out of his driveway at least 3 times a winter. There's actually a hint of practicality in the two dishwashers decision. Dishwashers are a lot cheaper than cabinets. His way ensures you don't need cabinets for dishes. ;D
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 8:41:51 GMT -5
It'll free up wall space for one of these ;D
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 8:42:39 GMT -5
I hate to say it but i think we are raising a generation of useless men. I see my sons' friends and many of these boys spend the vast majority of time doing nothing but playing video games. My sons have to help with chores, cooking, laundry and housework. And, if the bellyache, i give them more to do. But, the pull of video games is very strong for boys much more so than girls. And, i do let them play but it is a struggle to limit their time. The saddest thing to me was when we were in the Game Shop looking at games, some 40something Man was talking about how he beat so many levels of certain games and on and on. And, i thought, what a waste of time and how pathetic and glad i am not married to him! ;D
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 8:47:22 GMT -5
DH is the opposite -- MIL made sure her boys knew how to do everything around the house (even sew! ). He has certain ideals on what the house should look like (Better Homes and Gardens would be a good example) but we actually LIVE in it so it is not going to look like a photo shoot even on it's best day!
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Jun 15, 2012 9:52:19 GMT -5
Shooby- I think you are over-generalizing things a little. My DS and DH are both gamers but they do plenty of work around the house. DS has a list of chores every day that I expect him to do. DH does his fair share as well. They both play video games but never once has the lawn not gotten mowed or the kitchen not been cleaned because of their gaming. I will admit that when they start talking about levels on some game or other I tune them out. Their gaming works out pretty well. DH and DS get to spend time together doing something they both enjoy and I get some peace and quiet to read or watch a movie that they wouldn't want to watch with me.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,242
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 15, 2012 9:56:28 GMT -5
some 40 something Man was talking about how he beat so many levels of certain games and on and on
So? Everyone has their hobbies. DH is a gamer but he is far from useless/lazy.
Just because you are able to beat so many levels of X game doesn't mean you are sitting in front of the PS3 all day, every day.
DH takes months to complete a game because he plays them in his downtime.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jun 15, 2012 9:59:48 GMT -5
Same here, DQ. I have roller derby one night a week and DH races home from work, gives the house a good cleaning, and spends the next 3 hours killing zombies
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,242
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 15, 2012 10:01:26 GMT -5
If he likes zombies has he played Dead Island? I bought that for DH's birthday and he just started playing it. He said it's awesome.
He also has Resident Evil 6 on reserve at Game Stop.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 10:04:54 GMT -5
Shooby- I think you are over-generalizing things a little. My DS and DH are both gamers but they do plenty of work around the house. DS has a list of chores every day that I expect him to do. DH does his fair share as well. They both play video games but never once has the lawn not gotten mowed or the kitchen not been cleaned because of their gaming. I will admit that when they start talking about levels on some game or other I tune them out. Their gaming works out pretty well. DH and DS get to spend time together doing something they both enjoy and I get some peace and quiet to read or watch a movie that they wouldn't want to watch with me. I am not trying to over generalize and by no means do i mean "all". Life is about balance. Of course we all have any number of hobbies. But, as a mom raising boys, i can easily see how Gaming can absolutely take over their lives and has indeed taken over the lives of some of their friends to the point that is all some of these boys wish to do. There is a potentially addictive quality to these games for SOME boys. And, when i removed the Xbox for a period my teen son literally went through a type of withdrawal. I have weaned them off and reintroduced it back into the house. I think he still enjoys playing but is kind of over playing it for hours on end. But, as a form of fun, i see nothing wrong with it and i like to play with them too as well.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jun 15, 2012 10:05:56 GMT -5
I don't think so - he's been stuck on Call of Duty for a while. I'll have to suggest it. He's been a little peeved at this one because he was good - REALLY good - at MW2 and then they came out with the new one right when he started his new job and was going to school/training all the time. By the time he got around to playing it in February, everyone else was really good and he wasn't special anymore
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,242
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 15, 2012 10:07:22 GMT -5
DH was playing Assassin's Creed obsessively. He took a break from video games after III. Now another one is coming out, he also has that one on reserve. I need to stop letting him go to Game stop.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on Jun 15, 2012 10:08:48 GMT -5
Thank you sheila, darama and mid. I decided not to comment there because I decided this was not a thread about video games. I play video games. DH plays video games. We both do our share around the house. Yes, sometimes the dishes don't get done because of a game, but that's a likely to be my fault as DH's. (I mentioned earlier we were both lazy.) I also don't believe that boys are any more drawn to video games than girls are, on their own. But our society expects boys to play video games and girls not to, and yes, they absorb those lessons and then act accordingly (there's even a brand new study out about how a complete stranger telling kids one time that the other gender group is better at something has an immidiate effect on their abilities.) But video games as a hobby don't make a person any more useless around the house than playing golf does. I don't see talking about what levels they beat as any different than talking about their golf score.
And the only people raising a useless generation of boys are the people who were going to raise a useless generation of boys with or without video games. You make your boys do chores. According to your boys (and I don't know that I'd completely trust their word on this) their friends' moms don't make them do chores. That would be the same if they were reading a book or playing basketball in teh driveway as it is with video games. Either parents put their foot down and make kids do chores or they don't. It has absolutely nothing to do with what the kids do for fun.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,242
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 15, 2012 10:11:39 GMT -5
I'll watch DH play video games but I am hopeless with a PS3 controller. DH nearlly peed his pants laughing when I tried to play a game with him and all my stormtrooper did was run around in circles because I couldn't figure out how to operate the controller. I can do the old school games, he bought me Sonic and I happily played that, we've also played Mortal Kombat together. But the games DH plays are just too involved for someone like me who severely lacks hand/eye coordiation.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 20:29:53 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2012 10:12:48 GMT -5
My opinion is my opinion. And, i believe boys are more drawn to gaming and are much fascinated with it than are girls. That is my opinion.
|
|