Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 9:48:11 GMT -5
I just need to ask. I keep on hearing those women bitch and moan about how it is so hard, how they not only have to go to work but maintain a household.
Don't even get them started on parenting/motherhood if they have kids. So me being me, I just always want to ask: where is your husband/boyfriend or partner in all this? Are they useless?
I understand it is hard or harder if you are a single parent but those are people that are in long term relationships or married. Is it the internal need of a woman to feel like she is superwoman or can handle it all? Or is it just for bragging purpose: I do all this, look at me!
Our relationship is far from perfect and we got our issues to say the least, but I could not seat back and just watch my wife work a typical 40 hour job and also handle all the child rearing and maintenance of the house.
Do you have men/women out there that are really that useless? Or better yet, do you have men/woman out that that tolerates this crap?
Or one guy: my wife is always too tired for sex or not in the mood. I ask: - do you cook? No - do you clean? No - do you do the laundry? No - take care of the kids in the morning? Sometimes if she ask for help - and at night? same, if she needs help - Parent teacher meetings? she handles all that
So all you do is wipe your own ass? No wonder she is always too tired to have sex with you.
Or is it the women that drive their man to become just another kid to take care off because they want or have to be the ones that does everything.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 13, 2012 9:50:56 GMT -5
DH was kind of useless for a little while. We had a little talk that consisted of: I bring home 6 figures. I cook. I clean, I take care of the house, I take care of the kids. I am helping you paint the house right now. I'm not crazy. I'm kind of funny. I'm good in bed. If you don't start appreciating what you have, someone else will.
And I think some women are martyrs. Some are control freaks and want it done their way. Some guys are just lazy.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 9:54:06 GMT -5
I am mostly useless.
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quotequeen
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Post by quotequeen on Jun 13, 2012 9:56:44 GMT -5
I'm the one that's useless. I do bring home some money though.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 13, 2012 9:56:54 GMT -5
Yes. There are people out there that are that useless.
We know a couple where the husband is a lazy bum. Completely useless at home. He earns well, but so does his wife. But she is almost entirely responsible for running the household. From grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, child rearing, school work, she does it all. In addition to working a full time job. I never ask them how it works for them. But its a such an unfair division of labor.
And there is this second cousin of DH. His wife works too. But he is the one who does everything in their household. From making a grocery list to actually cooking and cleaning. Laundry, school work etc is all his responsibility. If he doesn't cook, they eat out.
For the life of me I cannot understand how people are able to sit back and see their partner sweat it out while they sit on their asses.
Thank the lord my DH is, and always been, a firm believer in equal roles in a marriage. If either of us are not home the other can manage the household and kids just fine.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 9:57:04 GMT -5
sadly lots of women tolerate this and lots of men are useless - probably because their own parents had no expectations for them in that regard. I told DH when we talked about marriage/kids/etc. that we are a TEAM. We BOTH make sure the house runs smoothly. Yes, I do the cooking and the vast majority of the cleaning, but DH will always pitch in when asked. He completely cares for the bill-paying and finances. I would say he does about 40% of the baby care. He knows I won't tolerate a lazy SOB of a husband, and while he never lifted a finger at his own house, he quickly learned to help out when we moved in together.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 13, 2012 9:57:06 GMT -5
DF isn't useless but he'd rather pay to have stuff done than do it himself. I'm working on that.
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kittypuppymom
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Post by kittypuppymom on Jun 13, 2012 9:58:00 GMT -5
Married to mostly useless. But its my fault. As a kid he had to step up to the plate and support his family. So when we got married I kinda took all the burden onto me. So now I am stuck with it. I try to change him but alas no changes stay.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 13, 2012 9:58:28 GMT -5
DH used to be a real momma's boy when I met him. He let her do everything. At first he did have the mindset that I was going to take over but I disabused him of that notion.
We did have to have a talk after we got married because he expected me to work and keep the house like his mom did. I countered his mom did not work for a living she had the time to make the counters so clean you could see your face in them. I don't stay home so your standards need to be lowered just a tad or you need to get off your ass and start helping.
He tried to get his parents to agree but they sided with me, they said it is different: she works.
So he stepped up more to keep the house more to his standards.
We both have our moments where we are useless, neither one of us is perfect. I've shouldered more of the parenting duties but that is because I EBF-ed for over a year. DH filled in the gaps by doing more of the housework.
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The J
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Post by The J on Jun 13, 2012 10:05:34 GMT -5
DF isn't useless but he'd rather pay to have stuff done than do it himself. I'm working on that. Isn't he rich? Isn't part of the point of being rich that you can pay other people to do stuff you don't want to do?
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Jun 13, 2012 10:05:39 GMT -5
I would call my DH semi-useless. He does some stuff, but only if prodded and I don't mind waiting 2-3 days for dirty dishes to leave my sink or laundry to be done. He does all the lawn mowing though, and thinks he should be patted on the back for that. I do all of the grocery shopping, bill paying, dusting, vacuuming, and general cleaning/management of the household. I have been making him clean the bathroom while I do the other rooms though. Oh, and I also work full-time (granted, 2 days from home) while he just graduated and doesn't have a job yet. His response as to why he doesn't do stuff while sitting around all day "you didn't tell me to." I shouldn't have to tell my husband to empty the garbage if it is overflowing or to do his dirty dishes while he is home all day while I am at work. Another one of his favorite responses is that he redid the entire house. True, but redoing the living room five years ago, the kitchen three years ago, and the bathroom two years ago doesn't give you a free pass for the rest of your life. He thinks it does. Yes, it bothers me. But now, if it doesn't get done, I don't care. We have four dogs, the house is dirty an hour after I clean it anyway so I usually don't bother. And he wonders why I am against having a child at this point in life.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 13, 2012 10:06:50 GMT -5
I'm in one of those relationships and am slowly making changes, but after a long time of living the same way it takes time.
22 years ago when DH and I got married, I wasn't good at communicating and he was raised in a very different culture, so had different expectations/assumptions. Instead of talking about those things and solving them, we just muddled through and made a mess of many of them.
For example, when we were first married, I was in college and he was the chief engineer of a company. Obviously, the income was not equal and it was uncomfortable for me, so I did 100% of everything around the house because I felt that was my way of contributing. Bad, bad idea. He assumed I was doing 100% of everything around the house because that's what traditional women in his family did. The problem with that was when I graduated and started a very good, high paying job, I assumed things would change and he didn't. Again, no bad intent on either of our parts, but poor communication mostly.
It's still evolving and it's still really tough. It's even tougher now because we have all those years of baggage from when we just argued about it and said hurtful things. So now, things have to be approached carefully because they trigger the hurtful arguments of the past.
I made the bed and it stinks, but I'm lying in it and doing my best to make it better. But yes, right now, my husband's contribution to the household is putting in 4-6 hours a day at the business, taking the boys to the activities I'm unable to make (usually 2-3 karate/swim lessons a week) and if there's something around the house that I absolutely cannot do every once in a while doing a maintenance issue (last year, that was digging out one tree I couldn't quite lever out and reaching one of the gutters I am too short to reach, even with a ladder.) I do all the stuff in the business he doesn't like to do and every other thing around the house.
It's painful to even type this. There has been some slow progress. Within the last two years, he has started washing the dishes after I cook dinner.
Honestly, I know this is totally wrong but it seems this is the one area of my life that's been very hard to improve.
I know I need to have Swamp's talk: "I bring home 6 figures. I cook. I clean, I take care of the house, I take care of the kids. I am helping you paint the house right now. I'm not crazy. I'm kind of funny. I'm good in bed. If you don't start appreciating what you have, someone else will. " But I'm also pretty sure where that talk will lead and I'm not yet ready to go there with 2 small boys.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 10:07:51 GMT -5
Our problems arise because DH's standard of clean is higher than mine. So I clean according to my standards and then he will bitch that it's not done. So I hand over the bucket of water and mop and go on my way. For a smart man he really is dense sometimes. We had the same conversation as well. It's the execution of the plan that is the problem.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 13, 2012 10:08:48 GMT -5
It's complicated in our house. We're actively trying to make it more simple though.
- I do most of the laundry. DH will bring help if I ask or specifically tell him that he needs to check loads when he goes downstairs - we're ok with this. - DH has dietary issues so he cooks most of his own food. I help sometimes. But I do the cooking for me and the kids. And since DH's meals are harder to make, it takes him longer to eat. So I get stuck doing kid detail while he gets to leisurely eat and be online... This is a sore point. We're working on it. We're figuring out meals that we can all eat and trying to eat at the table as a family. No laptop for him, no book for me and no TV for the kids. - We're tag-teaming cleaning the kitchen lately. I'd guess it works out to 50/50 over the last month or so. He does more on weekends and I do more during the week. We're ok with this too. If one of us is toast, we let the other one know so the dishes get dealt with. - Cleaning the bathrooms and living room isn't done much. I do a toy pick up and sweep the floors but the scrubbing is up to me and I just don't get to it until it's bad. I don't dust so there's a solid 1/4 inch of dust on the shelves in most of the house. - DH pays the bills. - DH also needs to soak his feet (I think MissR gave him something...) for an hour most nights. So that limits his time too. - we do the kids bedtime together. - lawn/outdoors, gets done by whomever wants to do it or finds the time to do it when we realize it needs to be done. I'm talking mowing the lawn and weeding. - parent/teacher shit we do together come hell or high water. This one is NOT negotiable and DH agrees with me. - I do most of the kids morning stuff (get them up around 6:30, get them dressed, teeth brushing is an act of God, and out the door by 7am) DH does drop off and pickup at dcp 2 days a week. I do the 3rd and the day they're at my Mom's. Thursdays MIL and FIL watch them at our house. - groceries is a divide and conquer deal. DH does specialty stores on his lunch break or after work. I do the Aldi's/Target runs. On weekends we do a Farmer's Market as a family, then I and 1 kid go to Woodman's and DH and the other kid go to Outpost (local co-op for fresh food not available at FM.) We get home and DH works on cleaning his greens while I feed the kids lunch and put them down for naps.
I do feel that I've got more of the kid duty overall. Some days it's a joy, some days it's hideous. Some days I regret that DH is missing whatever it is the kids are doing. I've also realized that our kids are capable of doing more stuff on their own and I'm not helping with that. Because it's easier for me to stick to the status quo/rut. I'm trying.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 13, 2012 10:10:04 GMT -5
DH is not useless at all. He is actually really good at all kinds of things like home repair, car repair, construction etc. He is also a very good father. the problem is that he will only do those things, except the "fun" part of parenting, when I ask. Being completely serious here the absolute worst fights we ever had was over this. It pisses me off to no end when he says he "helps" around the house or will "babysit" the kids. One time I was having a bad day and he was actually making it worse by jacking the kids up with rough housing. I was trying so hard to clean up and do other things when he told me to relax. He would take the kids to the park and babysit them so I could get all the work done. I swear to God I was this close to either my head exploding or beating him to death with a kitchen chair. And I didn't know Swamp back then so there would have been no one to help me with the murder charge. I don't think the judge would have been very sympathtic to me for murdering him for using the word babysitting in regards to his own kids.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 13, 2012 10:11:26 GMT -5
"sadly lots of women tolerate this and lots of men are useless - probably because their own parents had no expectations for them in that regard."
Yes, that's probably a big part of it for me. It is so hard to type this, but I guess if I look deep down I feel like I wasn't important or lovable enough for my parents to love and take care of me and I've spent so long making my life good and overcoming all that that I don't think I can stand the idea that I'm not important or lovable enough for my husband to love me either.
I guess I just don't think divorce is something I am strong enough to do. So I keep trying to make the situation better, even though I know it's not.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 13, 2012 10:12:48 GMT -5
Reading about all of your relationships is making me appreciate my DH more and more I never had to probe him for household chores. He always did them out of his own accord. Then the kids were born and he automatically took 50% of the responsibilities. Without me asking. Probably has to do with his mom being a working mother. I am going to make him real happy tonight.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Jun 13, 2012 10:14:14 GMT -5
Not useless. Just does things on his timeline, rather than mine. Which means they are never done fast enough. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and thank my lucky stars that he's willing to help out, rather than throttle him for not having things done...yet.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 13, 2012 10:15:01 GMT -5
I'm about to go to a meeting. I didn't off myself or quit the board. Back in a few hours.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 13, 2012 10:17:59 GMT -5
Yes, he is, but still... Being rich is no excuse in my book. I'm willing to hire the stuff we can't do but really, the rest, give me a break.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 10:18:28 GMT -5
I showed him this Prudence column ;D
Q. Frustrated with stay-at-home wife: I work full-time, and my wife stays home with our 18-month-old daughter. She is a wonderful, attentive mother and a good wife. She does the laundry, cooks dinner most nights, does the finances, prepares me a balanced lunch to take to work, and irons my clothes. I appreciate everything that she does. However, our house is generally a cluttered mess—clothes strewn about, books, papers, and various miscellany on the furniture. Sometimes the vacuum or a cup will sit in the middle of the floor for weeks. Before we had our daughter, she (justifiably) quit her previous job to stay home. Her housekeeping was the same then, too. I hate myself for it, but I resent her every time I trip over her shoes in the hallway or have to move a pile of books and mail to sit down on the couch. I have brought up the subject multiple times, but nothing changes. I feel stuck and am not sure what to do.
A: Since you didn't mention that you have a physical disability which prevents you from picking up a cup off the floor or putting the vacuum cleaner in the closet, I'm stuck trying to figure out why you can't spend some of your precious at-home time tidying up your house. Your wife may be a slob, but she's an iron-your-shirts, make-your-lunch kind of slob, and how generous of you to rate her "good" in the wife department. Here's a little experiment—tell your wife that you want her to have a day off to herself or be with friends. Then you watch your toddler for an entire Saturday, and see how much housework you get done. To relieve some of your wife's burden, maybe you should invest in a monthly cleaning service. Or you could start running the vacuum instead of running your mouth.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 13, 2012 10:21:50 GMT -5
beerwench, that was freakin awesome ;D Loved this line: Or you could start running the vacuum instead of running your mouth.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 13, 2012 10:22:58 GMT -5
I'm about to go to a meeting. I didn't off myself or quit the board. Back in a few hours. Hugs Milee. It's hard to admit some of this stuff to ourselves, much less people we consider friends, if if they are anonymous. I honestly think every person needs to live on their own at least 6 months or longer. No dorms or no roommates, just you. Because then you learn that the are no fairies - laundry, bills, grocery, cleaning and maintenance all need to happen on a regular basis. I know some people learn this while living at home but so many don't.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 13, 2012 10:23:17 GMT -5
Not useless. Just does things on his timeline, rather than mine. Which means they are never done fast enough. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and thank my lucky stars that he's willing to help out, rather than throttle him for not having things done...yet. This is my DBF. He's a decent cook, cleans better than me, can do laundry, is a mechanic (really), does yardwork, dishes, and windows and most minor house repair. It's just on the DBF timetable not the CarolinaKat Timetable The one thing he can't do is plan ahead. I have to do all our scheduling. Which is just fine with him. Drives me batty though
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 10:23:36 GMT -5
Since then I head him off at the pass with "Since you don't have any physical limitations..."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 10:24:44 GMT -5
milee - swasat - you are lucky. Well, you AND your DH are lucky. my background: mom and dad both worked FT, but dad is/was "old school" (women did all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, bill paying). His mother did EVERYTHING for her sons and I guess they expected their wives to pick up where Mom left off. They divorced and my mom remarried. SD was less of a useless slob, but he "did some things" and they divorced about 10 years ago. Mom is semi "old school" too. I was taught to clean and cook simple things, SD/dad never really did housework except if it was out in the yard. SD at least picked me up from school stuff and tried to be a parent. Dad didn't want the dirty work of parenting. He's since remarried and repeated the pattern with his new wife and two sons. I assume they'll grow up to be useless just like their father.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 13, 2012 10:26:22 GMT -5
We split chores, but I would not call it even. I'd say we each do what we are good at:
Our finances are not combined, so we take care of our own bills.
I do laundry. I clean bathrooms and dust. I cook.
He vacuums and does floors. He also does most of the yardwork, though I will put in an hour or so of weeding each week.
We both take out trash/recyclables.
I usually empty the dishwasher, though he will if I ask.
We grocery shop together, which I like, because he has learned to appreciate why I coupon and shop sales so carefully.
He does all our car maintenance, though I do wash and detail my own vehicle.
We make and track our own appointments with doctors, dentists, etc.
He does most major home maintenance - painting, tiling floors, moving furniture, powerwashing the patio and driveway, clearing the gutters, and recently remodeled both bathrooms and our home office.
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aliciar6
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Post by aliciar6 on Jun 13, 2012 10:28:18 GMT -5
XH was useless. He brought home less than 1/2 of what i did, but didn't provide for the household, spent his free time watching TV and playing PS3, did nothing around the house, did not cook, was a worthless leech....totally didn't respect him, hated him, hated sex with him...so he rarely got any...
FI: very usefull. couldn't live with out him, he works hard, helps around the house (does A LOT around the house) will help in the kitchen and help clean. I will help him outdoors too, I've been doing a lot of shoveling rock lately. makes more than i do by about 15K, is great with money, very thoughtful. and i don't care how tired i am, i will have sex with him any time.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Jun 13, 2012 10:29:07 GMT -5
But you can get away with it. We are not pretty boys like you that get waited on hand and foot.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Jun 13, 2012 10:33:37 GMT -5
Any chick that I would shack up with, would be lucky and have it good. -I'm decent looking...you know, serviceable. -I am a gourmet cook and clean up afterward -I do my own laundry and iron if needed -I handle my own finances and bill paying -Do yard work -I can do light house maintenance -I clean the house -I talk about my feeling -I am a great dancer -I am good in the sack The list goes on and on.... I'll have to admit that I am a great catch, it is embarrassing to admit it.
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