cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 13, 2012 11:34:47 GMT -5
We are traditionalist when it comes to division of labor. He never does dishes, cleans toilets or any other women's work. He will do some laundry and buys groceries when he wants something special, he only cooks crab, lobster and fish but makes himself sandwiches so I don't need to feed him if I don't want to.
He does all work that is heavy, hard or dirty. I have mowed the lawn twice this year and maybe 10 times in 26 years. He runs equipment like chainsaws and chippers. He never has me clean the litter box bird cage or clean fish(except smelt), he changes my oil and fixes things, gets moss off the roof and wouldn't ever ask me to climb a ladder even if I am painting he does the high parts. He does expect me to help with things like splitting firewood with the log splitter but he puts the logs on a wagon so I don't need to pick them from the ground and starts the splitter and moves it for me and when they are split I put them in a wagon and he hauls it to the wood shed and stacks it, cleans the machine and puts it away. I took my log splitter to my brother's summer place one day and my brother and I did two cords and even he treated me like a girl the second cord he told me to quit lifting the logs so I didn't get hurt and he did all the heaviest logs.
I like being the girl even if I have to do dishes and clean toilets.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jun 13, 2012 11:35:51 GMT -5
Right. But at some point you need to do the laundry or wear dirty clothes. Same with dishes and cleaning. If you want your deposit back, you clean before you go. You want wifi, you pay the bill. You want to eat, you either need to shop and cook or eat out. I think a lot of people go from having parents deal with it to having roommates deal with it. They're never lived alone and had that come to Jesus moment on "Someone needs to do it and I'm that someone." And then they get involved with someone who DID have that moment and they end doing everything. Living by yourself doesn't solve the problem but I think it would help. Not to mention all the people who'd figure out that they CAN live by themselves and don't need to have a partner to show off/hang on to... Right but I would say that the majority of the "my partner is useless" complaints are really "my partner doesn't have the same standards of when things need to be done as I do" complaints. I completely agree. My standards are MUCH higher than DH's and I know he will never rise to my level. Since I'm a SAHM it works for me to do 95% of the house/yard/child work. If/when I return to work, though, we'll have to have many conversations because I don't plan to be a martyr. That said, DH strongly believes "a happy wife makes a happy home" so I have some faith we'll be able to find some sort of compromise. I'm not looking forward to the process though.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 13, 2012 11:38:33 GMT -5
Were you hiding in our bushes last night? I believe you quoted DH verbatum! The counselor in "can this marriage be saved" stated that opposites attract but when you live together it's the things about them that first attracted you to them that tick you off the most. He/she suggested that if each partner could change 10% of their behavior towards the other way they would be able to find a happy medium...so the perfectionist learns to deal with things being 90% perfect and the slob does 10% more work "the right way". And keeping the lines of communication open and all that jazz...blah...blah....blah....it seemed to work for that couple, anyway. Maybe. One time I screamed "how can your be smart enough to design a bridge but too stupid to load the diswasher right?". Seriously the counselor told me that I needed to ask him to do things in uber specific terms. So now I feel like I am talking to a really slow 8 year old. I say exactly what I want him to do with every part that entails listed. He actually likes it. he said at least then he knows exactly what I mean.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 11:43:17 GMT -5
Were you hiding in our bushes last night? I believe you quoted DH verbatum! The counselor in "can this marriage be saved" stated that opposites attract but when you live together it's the things about them that first attracted you to them that tick you off the most. He/she suggested that if each partner could change 10% of their behavior towards the other way they would be able to find a happy medium...so the perfectionist learns to deal with things being 90% perfect and the slob does 10% more work "the right way". And keeping the lines of communication open and all that jazz...blah...blah....blah....it seemed to work for that couple, anyway. Maybe. One time I screamed "how can your be smart enough to design a bridge but too stupid to load the diswasher right?". Seriously the counselor told me that I needed to ask him to do things in uber specific terms. So now I feel like I am talking to a really slow 8 year old. I say exactly what I want him to do with every part that entails listed. He actually likes it. he said at least then he knows exactly what I mean. Because women can say, "please do this", but what they really mean is "please do this exactly as I would have done it."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 11:44:48 GMT -5
We give the kids very specific instructions when we give them chores to do.
I usually tell him that I am NOT one of the children when he does it to me. I guess I should hear him out instead.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 13, 2012 11:48:11 GMT -5
Maybe. One time I screamed "how can your be smart enough to design a bridge but too stupid to load the diswasher right?". Seriously the counselor told me that I needed to ask him to do things in uber specific terms. So now I feel like I am talking to a really slow 8 year old. I say exactly what I want him to do with every part that entails listed. He actually likes it. he said at least then he knows exactly what I mean. Because women can say, "please do this", but what they really mean is "please do this exactly as I would have done it." No I am saying that I can't imagine that saying "clean the kitchen" can be done without actually doing anything other than move the dirty dishes from the table to the sink. And "load the dishwasher" should end with broken glasses and dishes everytime. I used to say "pick up your dirty laundry". It never occurred to me that a grown man woudl actually pick up the dirty laundry he threw under his desk (don't ask!) and proceed to throw it on the floor in front of the closet instead of into the dirty laundry basket in the closet. I know it was my fault for not leaving the closet door open.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 11:49:33 GMT -5
Because women can say, "please do this", but what they really mean is "please do this exactly as I would have done it." No I am saying that I can't imagine that saying "clean the kitchen" can be done without actually doing anything other than move the dirty dishes from the table to the sink. And "load the dishwasher" should end with broken glasses and dishes everytime. I used to say "pick up your dirty laundry". It never occurred to me that a grown man woudl actually pick up the dirty laundry he threw under his desk (don't ask!) and proceed to throw it on the floor in front of the closet instead of into the dirty laundry basket in the closet. I know it was my fault for not leaving the closet door open. So if you tell him to load the dishwasher without breaking glasses he complies... but if not he breaks glasses..
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 13, 2012 11:49:33 GMT -5
We give the kids very specific instructions when we give them chores to do. I usually tell him that I am NOT one of the children when he does it to me. I guess I should hear him out instead. OMG! Your DH is my psychic twin!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 13, 2012 11:50:26 GMT -5
A friend of mine took photos of all the rooms in her house cleaned to their agreed-upon "specs" and then every time someone's chore was to "clean x room" the job wasn't done until the room matched the picture. But that was more to teach her kids how to clean; not sure how well it would work with spouse training
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 11:52:12 GMT -5
We give the kids very specific instructions when we give them chores to do. I usually tell him that I am NOT one of the children when he does it to me. I guess I should hear him out instead. OMG! Your DH is my psychic twin! LOL! He'll be tickled to hear that his twin is a Mom from Joisey!
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 13, 2012 11:52:28 GMT -5
No I am saying that I can't imagine that saying "clean the kitchen" can be done without actually doing anything other than move the dirty dishes from the table to the sink. And "load the dishwasher" should end with broken glasses and dishes every time. I used to say "pick up your dirty laundry". It never occurred to me that a grown man would actually pick up the dirty laundry he threw under his desk (don't ask!) and proceed to throw it on the floor in front of the closet instead of into the dirty laundry basket in the closet. I know it was my fault for not leaving the closet door open. So if you tell him to load the dishwasher without breaking glasses he complies... but if not he breaks glasses.. No apparently loading the dishwasher without breaking something is just a bridge too far for him. Doing the laundry without turning something pink is also. So I just do those things and ask him to do things like mop the floors or scrub the bathtub/shower and anything else he can't break easily.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 11:55:27 GMT -5
So if you tell him to load the dishwasher without breaking glasses he complies... but if not he breaks glasses.. No apparently loading the dishwasher without breaking something is just a bridge too far for him. Doing the laundry without turning something pink is also. So I just do those things and ask him to do things like mop the floors or scrub the bathtub/shower and anything else he can't break easily. Dammit.. I blame my dad for not teaching me how to get out of chores.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 11:57:04 GMT -5
LOL Arch! I'll blame my Dad too!! ;D
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quotequeen
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Post by quotequeen on Jun 13, 2012 11:59:03 GMT -5
We give the kids very specific instructions when we give them chores to do. I usually tell him that I am NOT one of the children when he does it to me. I guess I should hear him out instead. No, I don't want to be treated like a child either. If the way I do something isn't good enough for you, then too bad. If it's my chore, it's being done my way. Are you sure it's an accident? If you have to do the dishes Such an awful boring chore If you have to do the dishes Stead of going to the store If you have to do the dishes And you drop one on the floor Maybe they won't make you Do the dishes anymore
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:02:56 GMT -5
Maybe that's why HE loads the dishwasher instead of me! I am fine with listening to his instructions to create a harmonious living environment. He will have to learn to deal that it will be done on MY timetable, though.
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Jun 13, 2012 12:04:59 GMT -5
I am with quotequeen, I am the useless one, only I bring jack shit into the household in terms of income. Big Sarge is a lot more of a neat freak than I am, but if I don't do anything outside the house, who am I to complain?
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The J
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Post by The J on Jun 13, 2012 12:10:31 GMT -5
We give the kids very specific instructions when we give them chores to do. I usually tell him that I am NOT one of the children when he does it to me. I guess I should hear him out instead. No, I don't want to be treated like a child either. If the way I do something isn't good enough for you, then too bad. If it's my chore, it's being done my way. With XF, she used to bitch about how I did the laundry. The biggest complaint was that about half the time I would put the detergent in after the clothes, instead of before. Never once did a single item of clothing get ruined or damaged in any manner, shape or form, but you would think I had sacrificed a small child and washed the clothes in their blood..... I calmly explained to her at one point that it was pretty clear that I wasn't going to change and that half the time the detergent would go in after the clothes instead of before. If she didn't like it, she could shut up and do the laundry herself. So eventually she compromised and the arrangement was that she would do the laundry and (if I was home) I would fold it. When the first complaint came out of her mouth about how I was folding the laundry, I left it in a pile on the floor and sat on the couch and watched tv. The complaints stopped.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:12:53 GMT -5
Detergent will show up under blacklight! Were you trying to make her look bad on the dance floor??!?!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 13, 2012 12:18:00 GMT -5
DH has gotten on my case about the "detergent before clothes" thing before. I never understood why it made any difference I never did that living alone and all my clothes were okay.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 13, 2012 12:19:18 GMT -5
Any chick that I would shack up with, would be lucky and have it good. -I'm decent looking...you know, serviceable. -I am a gourmet cook and clean up afterward -I do my own laundry and iron if needed -I handle my own finances and bill paying -Do yard work -I can do light house maintenance -I clean the house -I talk about my feeling -I am a great dancer -I am good in the sack The list goes on and on.... I'll have to admit that I am a great catch, it is embarrassing to admit it. how are you good in the sack if they're all "frigid"? lol! Good question!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:20:29 GMT -5
DH is pretty hands on with the kids and will help out around the house. Sometimes I have to ask.. sometimes I don't. I do handle making all of the doctor, denitst appts and registering for sports, etc. He is good at taking them to the appts and the practices, so I can't complain. But something funny happened last night... we signed up our 9 yo for football and last night was the start of pre-conditioning workouts and an additional fee was required for him to participate. DH was going to take him so I gave him a blank check and he asked me to go ahead and fill it out... I handed him the blank check and said "I know.. it's hard to be a grown up sometimes, isn't it?" I did mean it jokingly and he took it in the way I meant it.. and then he said "I'll just pay with cash.. it's easier that way".... DH was whining because he may have to pick DD up from a play date tonight (I will be golfing! ).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:21:21 GMT -5
If my DW is washing dishes and she leaves the water running I always turn it off. You should see the dagger eyes she gives me. lOL
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 13, 2012 12:24:41 GMT -5
DH has gotten on my case about the "detergent before clothes" thing before. I never understood why it made any difference I never did that living alone and all my clothes were okay. I always do clothes then detergent. I've never had a problem with it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:24:42 GMT -5
Thanks, MM! It's about time that he met some of the other parents.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:28:50 GMT -5
Now watch, you'll be the only Mom who didn't go to the next one.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:30:02 GMT -5
It seems like a lot of couples, including me and DH, have more trouble with division of chores after they have kids.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 13, 2012 12:33:13 GMT -5
When doing laundry, I've always started the water, added detergent and then put the clothes in...
Apparently that's the right way. Putting in the clothes, then adding detergent, then turning on the water causes baby kittens to die.
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The Home 6
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Post by The Home 6 on Jun 13, 2012 12:35:29 GMT -5
When doing laundry, I've always started the water, added detergent and then put the clothes in... Apparently that's the right way. Putting in the clothes, then adding detergent, then turning on the water causes baby kittens to die. I have a front loader. The detergent goes in a little compartment that pulls out of the front of the machine. Am I absolved of any kitten homicide?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:35:39 GMT -5
Laundry should be:
water detergent let it fill and start agitating add clothes
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2012 12:38:03 GMT -5
It seems like a lot of couples, including me and DH, have more trouble with division of chores after they have kids. You betcha! We lived together for 5 years before we got married and had kids. Cleaning was never an issue back then....I guess he was either too busy with extracurricular activities to notice or else he was so enamored with me that it didn't matter.
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