Taking your husband's last name

[MN-Investor]

I was really on the fence about what to do re my last name when we got married in '76. Initially took DH's last name. Soon regretted it. I loved my Scandinavian maiden name, I loved my relatives with that last name.

After a couple of years, I went to court to change my name. I hyphenated my last name to my DH's. It's an alright decision, one I've lived with for 36 years. But if I had to do it over again, I would have just kept my maiden name. That's really who I am. DH doesn't care what name I use.

I've gotten used to computers having issues with hyphens. Shoot, I was the one who tested and installed our email program at work in the mid-1990's and discovered how it choked on hyphenated last names. So, in our email program, I only used my maiden name.

BTW, we don't have children. If we had, they would have had DH's last name. Children should not have to deal with hyphens.

My oldest sister was well established in her career when she got married. She kept her maiden name, but will use her husband's last name in her personal life. That's worked for her. It only was a bit of an issue when we children inherited an annuity from our dad. The insurance company needed my sister's legal name and I wasn't sure which was her legal name.

[Sum Dum Gai]

WWBG, you actually got married? I missed that. Please accept my belated congratulations and my wish that you get to have more sex now.

Never been married have you?

[Deleted]

I think compromise is like the dot shortage. If you asking someone for three dots, it better damn well make you more than three dots worth of happy. Just because I love you doesn't mean you can have all of my dots and not appreciate them.

[aliciar6]

May 11, 2012 13:02:29 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

May 11, 2012 12:33:28 GMT -5 @moxie said:

I am old fashioned...take the man's name unless it is something like Schmidlap, Focker, Outhouse, etc.

Ain't gonna happen. My 30+ year professional life is tied up with journal publications under my name, and that is more important then an old fashioned idea.

my friend is the same way she worked hard for her PhD and also is published and well respected in her field.

she wants a better answer than "it's tradition" to change her name and if everything else is perfect then why is that an issue to break up over

[aliciar6]

May 11, 2012 13:35:14 GMT -5 lynnerself said:

Maybe a dumb question.
When you didn't take your husbands name, how did they announce you at the end of the ceremony?
You know the "I now present Mr. and Mrs So and So".

I want us to be announce Mr. and Mrs. B and A H_____

[qofcc]

I couldn't imagine not taking my husband's name after marriage, but then again, I was married at 19 and immediately moved to a new state to start over. With my second marriage, changing my name was a PIA career wise, but I certainly wasn't going to keep the name of my ex when I was married to someone else and even if I still had my maiden name, I would have changed it just because of tradition.

In your friend's situation with so much career history under that name, I think I'd go from Jane Doe to Jane Doe Smith professionally and Jane Smith socially. As far as having the DJ announce her as Dr, that seems a bit pretentious. My mom insisted as being referred to as Dr (she's a PHd) on my and my sister's wedding invitations. She's always freaking out about that even though she's retired. I guess I just don't see why being called Dr in a social situation would be relevant to anything unless you're a MD and are volunteering to resuscitate someone.

[aliciar6]

May 11, 2012 15:34:53 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

I know the real reason why men (that I know or have married) like it when we take their name. It's kind of like why they like it when we ******. (Sorry, but I'm serious.) They feel you have accepted them completely. That's how it was explained to me. LOL!

If I've offended anybody let me know and I'll edit. But the reasoning is the same and many women don't understand that part either.

ding ding ding!
yup, it's showing (according to my FI) that you are all in, no holding anything back, also to him he is big on tradition and he feels it would be disrespectful to not take his name.

now for me, i'm ok with taking his name, i love the way my name sounds with his last name, but i also see my friend's point where there has been no good reason articulated to her...because changing a name doesn't really mean you are all in.

[Poptart]

Oooo I've got this all figured out, if my BF and I marry (which is really the only way we will be able to be together) I'll do the hyphen thing, why? Because my last name reminds of my mother and my Mexican roots, and there wont be too many Mexicans in the UK and if I ever travel thru AZ I might only survive by pretending to be white and his last name combined with my first name will lead people to think I'm white!

In Mexico children take their mothers last name, so if the dad is Ramirez and the mom is Flores the baby would be: Baby Ramirez Flores and the mom would keep her name and add de and then her husbands last name, so it would be Maria Flores de Ramirez, de meaning of.

[Colleenz]

Has anyone who feels strongly that the wife should take the husband's last name given a reason WHY? I still have yet to hear a justification.

ExDH did not really care. I was torn b/c I was 30yo when we married and had an established career. One of my Admin Asst convinced me to change my name b/c we planned on having kids.

I worked for a Fortune 100 company at the time. Her reasoning was "When little Bobby is sick and they know that Mom works at BigCompany - if they call central switchboard and ask for Mrs. Little Bobby no one will find you."

Pre-Mom guilt made me do it

[greenstone]

I could never buy the 'it's tradition' argument. Not so long ago it was tradition that a married woman stayed at home and raised children. For the woman who wanted to be in the workforce this tradition left them feeling stifled and unfulfilled, and men that wanted to be at home with their children weren't 'real men'. It was a biased and unfair tradition that was best left in the past which is my opinion of most traditions. Now if a woman want to have a career, she shouldn't feel pressure to be a SAHM, it is her choice. Same with changing her name, if she wants to - great. If not, there should be no pressure to do so. The choice should remain, but the tradition needs to fade away.

And to head off an argument I see coming, yes WWBG, I think the expectation that a man buy a pricey (or any) engagement ring because it is tradition is also bogus.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Marriage #1 didnt want to change my name. Added his, no hyphen just a space. Kid #1 has myblas name, kid #2 has both like mine wasby that point. His mom was ticked. Dropped his name PDQ with the divorce.

Marriage #2 changed mine completely...dropped mine, just go by his. I like him more than the first one. Even more shocking, both my kids go by DH's name though we've not legally changed theirs.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Oh, and DH didn't even bring it up, though I don't think it would have been a deal breaker had I not wanted to change it.

My BS and MA have First Middle Maiden XH on the degrees. My potential doctorate will have First Middle DH on it.

[simser]

I changed my name when I got married at 21. I became First Middle Maiden Married. It was 31 freaking letters long! I kept the first name because that's how everyone knew me, the middle because it has very special significance (including the fact that I feel my soul comes from the woman I was named after here) the maiden because that's where my personality comes from, and the married because it was traditional.

I dropped the married so fast after I got divorced your head would have spun. I was very happy that I got divorced before my PhD defense because now my PhD (and the majority of my papers) will be in the name I want to go by. I don't want the reminder of him everyday of my life.

Now as for the Mrs. vs. Dr. debate. You can kiss something of mine if you think it's pretentious. I earned my PhD, I worked my ass off, and as for the record Bob- I did contribute to something that could cure cancer. You can be dang well sure that if there will be another wedding introduction that I will be introduced either by my first name or by Dr. Maiden name. Hell half my friends call me Dr. First name. They know how hard I've worked. I tell people that my PhD is more personal than any other degree that I have- it's a reflection on you more than any other academic accomplishment. And yes, if I get married to someone who doesn't have a Dr. I will expect it to say Mr. and Dr.

[lurkyloo]

I typically only insist on being addressed as Dr by people I REALLY don't like There are times when it's appropriate, of course. But mostly I prefer to be called by my first name, after 4.5 years married it still feels a little weird be addressed as Mrs.

On that topic...I have a strong professional career and continue to use my original last name professionally. Anything legal goes under my married name. I changed it for a number of reasons both practical (shorter, easier to pronounce and spell) and emotional (I kind of hate most of my birth family and dearly value my in-laws; I was proud to become a member of my husband's family).

That said, it was 100% my decision what to do about my last name. If DH had had a strong opinion one way or the other I would have considered that as part of it, but it was still my decision. It's a huge thing to change something so fundamental, as well as being a pain in the ass. While I think it's appropriate for a fiance to express an opinion, to make an ultimatum out of it is obnoxious and controlling. WWBG, this is something you really need to let go of.

[Deleted]

"While I think it's appropriate for a fiance to express an opinion, to make an ultimatum out of it is obnoxious and controlling. WWBG, this is something you really need to let go of."



And the man and wife thing. It's husband and wife. You guys are Partners.

I did change my name. I'm <first name> <middle name is maiden name> <husband's last name>. I did it for purely practical reasons. I was tired of always needing to spell my last name. My husband's last name is six letters, phonetic, and is the same as a very famous WWII general. At the time I never thought I would ever have to spell it. (You would be surprised though ).

A funnier story is my MIL. Married and divorced 3 times but kept DH #1s name. Totally leveraged on the famous last name. And yes she is a PhD and even has it on her personal checks.

[Deleted]

I only call someone "Dr" when i am addressing them in their professional capacity. If you are my "Dr." i will call you that, but otherwise no. I have friends that have all sorts of Doctorates, PharmD's and stuff like that. I dont' call them "Dr."

[Deleted]

Honestly, i don't care if people call Miss, Mrs., Mizz, hey you, or whatever. They can use my maiden name, first name, middle initial or married name. Don't care.

[Deleted]

OT a little, but I have to say...some men on this board make me REALLY thankful for my DH. I do NOT look good in prison orange or horizontal stripes and I just KNOW there are some here that I would smother in their sleeps, run over with a car, beat with a shovel, have a hunting accident with...etc. I am sure you all get my point...

[Deleted]

Angel!

[Deleted]

What?

[Deleted]

Being "Mrs. So and So" seems to take on greater importance if you are a Beverly Hills Housewife or marrying Justin Bieber or something.

[wvugurl26]

May 12, 2012 10:55:02 GMT -5 @angel33 said:

OT a little, but I have to say...some men on this board make me REALLY thankful for my DH. I do NOT look good in prison orange or horizontal stripes and I just KNOW there are some here that I would smother in their sleeps, run over with a car, beat with a shovel, have a hunting accident with...etc. I am sure you all get my point...

Yeah there are some that I would have to leave or kill them while they are sleeping.

[Deleted]

May 12, 2012 10:36:44 GMT -5 @shooby said:

I only call someone "Dr" when i am addressing them in their professional capacity. If you are my "Dr." i will call you that, but otherwise no. I have friends that have all sorts of Doctorates, PharmD's and stuff like that. I dont' call them "Dr."

But you also don't call them Mr. Smith or Ms. Jones.

You call them Ted and Sue.

My name is Sarah. In any context where I would be called Sarah before I finish my doctorate, I expect to still be called Sarah after I finish.

In any context where I used to Ms. Crafty, I will become Dr. Crafty. Admittedly, if someone messes that up, it is no great shakes, but it is (will be) my title. If someone objects to that being my title and/or messes that up intentionally, then I'm going to think they're kind of a jerk.

[simser]

May 12, 2012 13:00:03 GMT -5 @craftysarah said:

May 12, 2012 10:36:44 GMT -5 @shooby said:

I only call someone "Dr" when i am addressing them in their professional capacity. If you are my "Dr." i will call you that, but otherwise no. I have friends that have all sorts of Doctorates, PharmD's and stuff like that. I dont' call them "Dr."

But you also don't call them Mr. Smith or Ms. Jones.

You call them Ted and Sue.

My name is Sarah. In any context where I would be called Sarah before I finish my doctorate, I expect to still be called Sarah after I finish.

In any context where I used to Ms. Crafty, I will become Dr. Crafty. Admittedly, if someone messes that up, it is no great shakes, but it is (will be) my title. If someone objects to that being my title and/or messes that up intentionally, then I'm going to think they're kind of a jerk.

Very rarely do people in my life call me Ms. whatever. However, if they're going to, they're going to be reminded now that I'm Dr. whatever. This will include the kids that used to call me Miss First name (not that there are many of them now that I've moved from the South).

There are not many situations where I will introduce myself as Dr. Whatever, especially to other adults. But I did grow up in an area in which the honorifics were very very important. I had friends who had doctors as parents and they were addressed as Dr. such and such. My own father is also refered to as Dr. Whatever- and is called Dr. First name by many of my mother's friends. That's why my friends are calling me Dr. First name for the time being- they find it funny.

[greenstone]

May 12, 2012 13:00:03 GMT -5 @craftysarah said:

In any context where I used to Ms. Crafty, I will become Dr. Crafty. Admittedly, if someone messes that up, it is no great shakes, but it is (will be) my title. If someone objects to that being my title and/or messes that up intentionally, then I'm going to think they're kind of a jerk.

I agree with you wholeheartedly that in professional situations the title you have earned should be acknowledged and used. But your social title is and will remain Ms. If you and others choose to use your professional title in social settings - who cares?! But if anyone cares that others don't acknowledge their professional accomplishments in a social settings then they need to get over themself.

I work in a organization where everyone has an advanced degree of one ilk or another. After the initial thrill of earning a title wears off, 99% bristle when someone insists on referring to them by the title because it makes them feel like a pretentious twit. But if it really distinguishes you from your coworkers I can see the value in using it to easily confer your position or credentials to clients/associates.

[Deleted]

Well, in 33 years, I think the only person I have ever insisted call me "Ms. Crafty" was a sleazy mortgage broker who kept calling me darlin' but I'm not sure where your perception comes from that social and professional titles are somehow different.

It would never occur to me to address an envelope to someone with an MD, DO, DDS, DVM, EdD, PhD or whatever with "Mr." or "Ms."

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"While I think it's appropriate for a fiance to express an opinion, to make an ultimatum out of it is obnoxious and controlling. WWBG, this is something you really need to let go of.":::...

But there ARE YM approved ultimatums aren't there? "I won't marry you until you clean up that CC debt". "I won't marry you until you have held down a job" or something similar. If the topic at hand is that ultimatums are controlling, then all ultimatums should be off the table.

If something is truly truly important to somebody, then they really need to marry someone for who agrees. Like I said in my first post, I can "live" with DW not taking my name, but it sure wasn't my ideal outcome.

...:::"some men on this board make me REALLY thankful for my DH. I do NOT look good in prison orange or horizontal stripes and I just KNOW there are some here that I would smother in their sleeps, run over with a car, beat with a shovel, have a hunting accident with...etc. I am sure you all get my point...":::...

Awwwh, I'm sorry you'd murder me. Its not like I don't bring a lot to the table. DW gets almost every meal made and served and cleaned up for her, I do a lot of cleaning of the house I bought us. I'm even insured, so even in my death she is taken care of. I suppose that just makes you want to murder me more.

[swamp]

Oh, but are you handy around the house and good in bed?

[Deleted]

Who said I was talking about you? I could have totally been talking about Dark. We all know I am LOVE his wife and have asked her to leave him and go lesbian with me many times. ;D

But in all honesty, YOU were one of the men I was talking about. I can't IMAGINE my husband saying the things you say about your wife. I can't imagine him treating me like a child and giving me ultimatums. The way you describe things is that you are not happy with the way she is and are constantly trying to change her. You seem to only be happy when she bends to how YOU think things should be. The things you say about women in general shows me that you have very little respect for them. I could never be with a man that thinks that I should change myself to fit what he wants me to be. I don't find the Alpha male crap attractive at all and I would eventually either have to leave him or kill him if he acted like that.

For the record, I am married to a military man. He can be all Alpha Male, beat his chest all day long at work. But it sure as hell better get left at work. He is my partner not my boss or my father. He doesn't get to call the shots because he is the man. We discuss things and we make decisions on what is best for our family. Sometimes he gets his way, sometimes I get my way..but we discuss it and compromise. He doesn't pull passive aggressive manipulations with me and I don't do it to him

He also helps with cooking, cleaning, and makes my toes curl and face go numb in bed. See I am one of those mystical women who really likes sex and likes it a lot. He is a great guy and treats me like an equal in and OUT of bed.

[Deleted]

Did we really need to know the toe curling and face numbing part? That's a bit too TMI! Just sayin'.