Taking your husband's last name

[midjd]

If I've offended anybody let me know and I'll edit. But the reasoning is the same and many women don't understand that part either.

That makes sense, and I will second my assertion that if the shoe was on the other foot, that practice would be dead within a generation. (And WWBG has a point re: engagement ring - probably the same).

[midjd]

I expect you to be just as chipper when you are denied something you really want on the same grounds.

Well, if I really wanted DH to do something, and he didn't want to, and I couldn't give him a single reason why I wanted him to (other than "because I want you to"), I really couldn't blame him for not doing it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think you are right POM. DH has never made that comparison verbatim but I have been given the "you accept me completely into your life" line.

I wasn't accepting you completely into my life we wouldn't be getting married. So I don't get that argument at all.

DH also kept talking about how I was no longer part of my family, I was a member of HIS family now. At the time I was like EXCUSE ME? I didn't stop being me and cease to be a member of my family just because you stuck a ring on my finger.

Now I know he managed to stick his foot in his mouth, but at the time it made me feel like he was trying to erase my identity and I was going to be absorbed into his family like they were The Blob.

He's managed to articulate himself better since then, I told him if he had shared that with me at the time I probably would have been more open to completely changing my name. He gets where I was coming from better nowadays as well.

DH still dislikes it but I think at the time since it was becoming such a giant issue between us that hypenating was still the best compromise so we could move on and get married.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"It would indicate that he will probably behave like that during the marriage and I don't need that kind of aggravation. Don't ask/expect someone to do something that you will not do yourself (I use this as a general rule in life)...":::...

I think this is close, but a better attitude is "unless you would do the same or similar".

I think that denying your husband a name change because he won't change his is just being stubborn and mis-applying equality. Does that mean your DH doesn't have to earn a salary you can't earn? Doesn't have to do chores you won't do (seriously, why won't SOME [not all] wives not take out the garbage)?

I think that a person who says "I won't do anything you won't do" is ALSO saying a lot about how he/she would act during the marriage. I think we've had more than enough threads which successfully proved that life is not always going to be 50/50 at all times. It would suck to have someone constantly dragging his/her feet over that.

Now if DW did the name change, I'm sure I could give her something of equal magnitude (though I maintain that the 5 figure ring should be a damn good start).

[8 Bit WWBG]

Oh dear PoM... please edit QUICKLY.

[Opti]

Marriage #1: Kept my last name, no engagement ring and only a simple white gold wedding band.

Almost Marriage #2: After much discussion decided we would both add the others last name to our names and in my case I'd probably oust my middle name and put in my lastname. Still didn't care much for an engagement ring, but offered I'd really like a turquoise and silver ring so that could stand in as one if he wanted it to. We were willing to compromise and because of his family and culture adding names was far more acceptable than changing or dropping any. We discussed all sorts of options but dropped hypenating early on.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 11, 2012 15:43:09 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Oh dear PoM... please edit QUICKLY.

Done! Sorry, WeWill!!

[quotequeen]

May 11, 2012 15:32:10 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"Yeah, it's a problem in my life that I generally expect people to make sense and be able to articulate the reasons that they want or expect things. And if I really care about somebody I might, under some circumstances, accept "I really want it" as good enough without more, but it depends on what I'm being asked to do, and how important the opposite is to me.":::...

Again, it means you can't complain when you don't get what you want because you can't articulate it to someone else's satisfaction.

Yeah, but being me, I wouldn't ever expect anybody to do something he had a reason for not doing if I couldn't even come up with any reasons why it was important to me.

[midjd]

I'm starting to think I missed a good opportunity... I changed my name AND bought my own engagement ring. I just don't have much of an extortionist in me. At least DH cooks, I guess...

[Peace Of Mind]

May 11, 2012 15:45:50 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm starting to think I missed a good opportunity... I changed my name AND bought my own engagement ring. I just don't have much of an extortionist in me. At least DH cooks, I guess...

IMO you win!! I'd buy my own ring if DH would cook. He's actually pretty good when I show him how. But it takes him forever and the kitchen is a disaster after. But grilling - I have that man gene more than he does.

Now I know he managed to stick his foot in his mouth, but at the time it made me feel like he was trying to erase my identity and I was going to be absorbed into his family like they were The Blob.

OMG I am seriously LMAO!!!

[movingforward]

WWBG - OMG! Get over the ring thing. You agreed to buy it and that was your decision. If you didn't want to buy it then you shouldn't have bought it and if you not buying a particular ring would have been a dealer breaker for her then you don't need her anyway. You can't just keep going back to the fact that you bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a reason for her to bow down to your machismo attitude.

[Bob Ross]

DW actually wanted to take my last name even though I could've cared less because a) she's traditional on the matter, and b) she doesn't like her maiden name to begin with.

However, she did take issue when at the same time, I tried to change "our" last name to Megatron.

[wvugurl26]

May 11, 2012 15:45:50 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm starting to think I missed a good opportunity... I changed my name AND bought my own engagement ring. I just don't have much of an extortionist in me. At least DH cooks, I guess...

Damn mid you screwed up big time!

If a guy wanted to do all the paperwork for me I'd be much more open to it. I have a coworker who's been married and had a baby and the MD CPA board still can't get her name change done. I realize they are blundering idiots and some of the most unhelpful people I've ever had this musfortune to encounter but I still have to deal with them.

If all I had to do was the drivers license/social security office and such I'd do it for sure.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"So WWBG, it sounds like it's not the name change itself, but your DW's reaction to it that has spurred strong emotions? That for her, "because I want it" is an acceptable reason, but not when you say it? I can see why that would be upsetting.":::...

This is pretty close, yeah. I gave her something "that she really wanted" despite plenty of logical reasons not to. She did not do the same for me. I know it was "right" not to make it conditional, and it was "right" to let her choose, vs. trying to bargain or force.

[Opti]

I think that denying your husband a name change because he won't change his is just being stubborn and mis-applying equality. Does that mean your DH doesn't have to earn a salary you can't earn? Doesn't have to do chores you won't do (seriously, why won't SOME [not all] wives not take out the garbage)?

You are pretty old-fashioned for a younger guy. Some men are comfortable enough in who they are and don't have all these hangups about names in their psyche so it isn't a big deal. I admit I've never understood the garbage thing either. My Ex tended to take the garbage to the curb and sometimes told me not to do it, but
I didn't see the big deal and if it was time and he hadn't gotten to it I did it.

The great thing about choice IMO is you can choose whether you want to be old-fashioned, current, or somewhere in between. Choice is a beautiful thing.

[quotequeen]

May 11, 2012 15:45:50 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm starting to think I missed a good opportunity... I changed my name AND bought my own engagement ring. I just don't have much of an extortionist in me. At least DH cooks, I guess...

Sounds like me, only now DH wants more in exchange for continuing to cook!

[movingforward]

"would you agree to the coin flip? heads we both take my name, tails we both take yours?"

That would be interesting. I could consider that if it was suggested to me...

Good thought t-bird I am thinking WWBG wouldn't go for it though...

[Opti]

May 11, 2012 16:09:00 GMT -5 @tbird said:

May 11, 2012 15:50:32 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

DW actually wanted to take my last name even though I could've cared less because a) she's traditional on the matter, and b) she doesn't like her maiden name to begin with.

However, she did take issue when at the same time, I tried to change "our" last name to Megatron.

Oh My God! I would totally go for Megatron!

First born - Optimus Prime Megatron, lol!!!!!

It's like wacky and cool - yet still has that old roman flair to it, ya know?

Not Optimist Prime Megatron?
;D

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 15:36:29 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

I expect you to be just as chipper when you are denied something you really want on the same grounds.

Unlikely to happen, at least in this relationship. DH and I are both very mellow people with similar values. In 15 years together (married the last 9), I cannot think of a single incident where we were on opposite sides of an important issue with neither unwilling to move. In cases where one has really wanted something passionately, the other has been in agreement or else was on the fence and willing to accommodate the one who had the strong opinion. It's a very peaceful existence and we treasure it.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"You are pretty old-fashioned for a younger guy. Some men are comfortable enough in who they are and don't have all these hangups about names in their psyche so it isn't a big deal.":::...

My angle in that post is that equality is fine, but equal doesn't always mean identical. I think that a couple could get themselves very frustrated with each other if they each refused to do something purely because the other wouldn't do it. I also think its childish, and a misuse of that ideal to invoke it purely to get out of something. But to each their own.

...:::"would you agree to the coin flip? heads we both take my name, tails we both take yours?":::...

No, because I'm not changing my name, and thats the same flawed concept I just cited above.

A much more fair question would be something like "would you let her choose the name of your child if she took your name?", (and I personally know at least one wife who demanded naming rights because "her DH already got his name").

[Deleted]

That's only a fair question to you.

I agree that equality doesn't mean everyone must do the same thing. But I'm wondering if you have thought through the magnitude of what you are asking of DW. Why would it be any less of a big deal for her to change her name than for you to change yours?

[movingforward]

"Why would it be any less of a big deal for her to change her name than for you to change yours?"

Exactly!!

[Sum Dum Gai]

"Why would it be any less of a big deal for her to change her name than for you to change yours?"

Because he caved and bought her a really expensive ring, now it's her turn to do the same.

ETA - Cave that is, not buy him a frilly ring. He'd look ridiculous walking around with a princess cut diamond on his finger.

[Opti]

May 11, 2012 16:15:42 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"You are pretty old-fashioned for a younger guy. Some men are comfortable enough in who they are and don't have all these hangups about names in their psyche so it isn't a big deal.":::...

My angle in that post is that equality is fine, but equal doesn't always mean identical. I think that a couple could get themselves very frustrated with each other if they each refused to do something purely because the other wouldn't do it. I also think its childish, and a misuse of that ideal to invoke it purely to get out of something. But to each their own.

...:::"would you agree to the coin flip? heads we both take my name, tails we both take yours?":::...

No, because I'm not changing my name, and thats the same flawed concept I just cited above.

A much more fair question would be something like "would you let her choose the name of your child if she took your name?", (and I personally know at least one wife who demanded naming rights because "her DH already got his name").

Agreed. Equal doesn't have to mean identical but it can shed light on issues when tradition might be the only reason someone might not budge whether its engagement rings or last names. I got two engineering degrees so the crowd I used to hang with isn't all that hung up on tradition. Also my Ex and I worked for the same large company in a similar area so I believed keeping my last name was a wise move from a work standpoint as well. We had other married friends in similar situations then and later so I don't think he had any real social pressure like you do.

Perhaps you dreamed of having Mrs. X your wife for a long time and feel a bit letdown. I never fantasized about being Mrs. XYZ and playing with words at a young age realized that when we got cards from Mr. and Mrs. ABC or the more formal Mr. and Mrs. John DEF I had no clue who Mrs. ABC or Mrs. DEF were. They could be anyone.
Mrs. ABC and Mrs. John DEF were just placeholder names used for any woman married to Mr. ABC and John DEF. Didn't sound all that appealing to me.

[quince]

In my relationship, equality kind of does mean having similar expectations of each other, within our abilities.

I don't expect him to nurse or give birth. He doesn't expect me to reach the top shelf without a step stool. We divide chores according to who does it best, or who wants it done the most, or hates it the least, but taking out the garbage takes no finesse, so whoever remembers does it.

I proposed to him. A week later I asked him to wear an engagement ring, because even though there was no logical reason for it to, it would make me feel more secure- so now we both wear tungsten carbide bands that will be our wedding bands in a couple of months. "I want this..." is a good reason, it just doesn't trump the other partner's "I don't want this."

If my name didn't matter to me, of course I'd change it if it was important to him- but my name matters to me. It's my name. it's been my name for a 15 or 16 years (parental remarriage), and I don't want to change it. I also want my children to have my last name.

I'm keeping mine, he's keeping his, and our children will be Hislast-Mylast.

To change my name? Good reasons...

"My father is really rich, and will give us a million dollar wedding gift if you change your name."

[Opti]

May 11, 2012 16:33:15 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

"Why would it be any less of a big deal for her to change her name than for you to change yours?"

Because he caved and bought her a really expensive ring, now it's her turn to do the same.

ETA - Cave that is, not buy him a frilly ring. He'd look ridiculous walking around with a princess cut diamond on his finger.

I'm sure DW can find him a big honking man ring costing 5 figures ya know. (Maybe she can get a super bowl ring off a football player down on his luck or something. )

[Sum Dum Gai]

I'm sure DW can find him a big honking man ring costing 5 figures ya know.

That's not a bad idea. Tell her if she won't change her name, she owes you an expensive dude ring.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Or maybe a nice watch.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Crap, I'm only on page three.
WWBG, you actually got married? I missed that. Please accept my belated congratulations and my wish that you get to have more sex now.

[Phoenix84]

"1) Deal breaker, must change everything and not mention maiden name even on FB in parenthesis.
2) not happy about it but as long as the kids have your name you could deal.
3) don't care at all"

I don't quite fit under any of these, my thoughts are it's preferable and I'd encourage it but I wouldn't go so far as calling it a deal breaker.

I just think it's weird to not take the man's name. That's because growing up my mother took my dad's name as did every adult couple I know. In fact, it's only on this board where I find it's not as common as I thought it was. But even though I think it's weird, I could probably get used to it.

It also depends on how it's done, i'd be fine with my wife using her maiden name for work purposes and my name outside of work, or even hypenating her name. In short, it's preferable but I'm open to compromise.