Taking your husband's last name

[973beachbum]

DH's family calls me and sends me stuff with "Mrs W" on it and I don't say anything. It isn't worth making a stink over.

Plus I wanted to bang my head on the wall when trying to explain to MIL my choice to hypenate. I'd rather not repeat that experience.

This one annoyes me a little. DH's family sends me letters for me addressed to Mrs our son's name. IE Mrs Joe Smith.

I don't say anything because it is not worth it but it is annoying how passive agressive they can be especially since they only send us anything when they want something.

[kgb18]

I took DH's last name. And let me tell you, I went from an easy to say, easy to spell maiden name to a much more difficult married name. My SIL told me she was so happy when she got married to get rid of it!

I don't think DH would have been offended if I didn't. I actually still went by my maiden name at my last job because I was established there. But then it got complicated going by one name to some people and a different name to others. (I was on TV quite a bit, and DH's friends made fun of him and called him Mr. My-Maiden-Name.) Once I switched back to my old job I just went by my married name, largely because DH and I associate with most of the same people at our respective jobs so it was actually less confusing to have his name. Go figure.

[hockeygrl]

Good question Mid. I didn't realize it was such a big deal for some people. I took DH last name and went through the PITA at work to change it. I didn't feel any pressure one way or another, I just liked that DH last name is a simple 5-letter name that doesn't confuse people. My maiden name is an 11-letter monstrosity. My brother can go ahead and pass it down to his kids, I'll stick with something I don't have to spend an hour explaining over the phone, lol!

[midjd]

I just don't get it. It's not like your name automatically changes at marriage - you have to jump through a lot of hoops - so you'd think that the men REQUIRING their wives to jump through these hoops would at least have one plausible reason, other than "My family will think you're weird" or "because it's traditional"...

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Has anyone who feels strongly that the wife should take the husband's last name given a reason WHY? I still have yet to hear a justification.":::...

Oh yeah, that was another one. "But WHY is this such a big deal" (like, if I could list a reason that was good enough, she'd do it). I should have asked whether there was a reason she'd actually accept. Apparently "it just is" or "its important to me" is not good enough. But the next time she wants something 'just because' I'll make sure to remind her that "its important to me" is not a good enough reason.

What I resent about that attitude is also that when I listed reasons, I got to hear why each one shouldn't apply. "Tradition" (I want to be modern). "Its important to me" (well MY name is important to me).

I don't know exactly why it was so important to me. I suppose it makes me get to feel like "the man". It makes me feel like I have a wife. I won't pretend that it isn't hard when most of my other friends wives took their names no questions asked. Then they look at me like I'm some kind of weenie because I couldn't get her to do it.

Or maybe... do those guys wives look at me and say "I wish my husband was as open minded as he was because I'd have rather kept my name".

But just like I said to cawiau, its all SPIN. Does our commitment makes us married? Our ceremony? Our marriage license? A shared name? She could change her name without us having any of the above. We could be wed in ceremony but have no feelings. We could have a legal marriage with no ceremony... Play whatever angle you want because they can all be true.

I'm sure each of us can list a want that we want because we want it.

[Deleted]

if name changes make you married, then I could have been Mrs. Diesel....

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"so you'd think that the men REQUIRING their wives to jump through these hoops would at least have one plausible reason, other than "My family will think you're weird" or "because it's traditional"... ":::...

As I said, "its important to me" wasn't apparently good enough, because there needed to be a reason WHY it was important enough.

Please list for me, the reasons which you would accept in order to change your name.

[quotequeen]

May 11, 2012 14:51:33 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"so you'd think that the men REQUIRING their wives to jump through these hoops would at least have one plausible reason, other than "My family will think you're weird" or "because it's traditional"... ":::...

As I said, "its important to me" wasn't apparently good enough, because there needed to be a reason WHY it was important enough.

But if you can't explain why it's important to you then why should she do it? Why is it being important to you more meaningful than her thinking that keeping her name is important to her? You don't seem to be saying anything here other than "I'm the man, she should do what I want."

My married name is shorter and seems simpler to me, but it gets mispronounced more often.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 14:51:33 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Please list for me, the reasons which you would accept in order to change your name.

There are none. It's dehumanizing and disorienting.

I've kept my name through 2 marriages and one child (who has the last name of his father, my first husband). My son knows who his mother is. My husband and I know we're married to each other.

Hyphenation is cumbersome and, since the guy usually keeps just his own name, it's still the woman going through the name change hassles. Using your maiden name as a middle name- it usually disappears. Keeping "social" and "business" last names- what a hassle. How do you handle the "holy trinity" of driver's license, passport, birth certificate when you need to replace one and the others (needed to get a replacement) don't match? If you get a passport, do you use your husband's last name so it's consistent if you're traveling with family, or your maiden name in case you travel internationally on business? Too complicated. There are no reasonable compromises.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Then they look at me like I'm some kind of weenie because I couldn't get her to do it.

Dude... really? That's just sad. I'm comfortable enough with my own badassery to let my wife keep her name. I don't have to have my ego stroked like a spoiled kid, or wonder if the guys in the locker room will make fun of me if I don't conform. Those sheep can think whatever they want. I'm comfortable with myself, my choices, my marriage, etc. If they have a problem, and the stones to say something to my face about it, I'll happily discuss it. What they whisper behind my back I don't worry about. I'm a man, not a 14 year old girl.

[midjd]

As I said, "its important to me" wasn't apparently good enough, because there needed to be a reason WHY it was important enough.

Please list for me, the reasons which you would accept in order to change your name.

That's what I'm asking - why it's important. If something is important to you, there should be an articulable reason, right? I'm not trying to bust your chops or poke a sore spot, I'm genuinely interested. (If there are other guys on this thread who wanted their wives to change their names, please chime in).

I changed my name because it was important to DH, even though HE couldn't explain why he wanted me to, either, so I guess I "accepted" that... doesn't mean I don't think it's a little ridiculous that no one seems to be able to provide a reason, though.

But if you can't explain why it's important to you then why should she do it? Why is it being important to you more meaningful than her thinking that keeping her name is important to her? You don't seem to be saying anything here other than "I'm the man, she should do what I want."

I kind of agree with this. If your name automatically changed upon marriage, and it took an affirmative act to KEEP from changing it, that would be one thing - but if you want someone to jump through the hoops of changing a name (and it's a PITA, let me tell you) I think "because I want you to, isn't that a good enough reason?" is kind of a cop-out.

[Deleted]

Under what circumstances would you change your name, WWBG?

I've had this last name for 33 years now. It's *MY* name. All of my legal documents use this name. All of my friends and colleagues know me by this name. I am the last person in my family with this name. I spent a fair bit of time in middle school perfecting my signature with this name. When we line up in alphabetical order, I instinctively know where to go with this name. My name is short, easy to spell, easy to pronounce. It sounds good with my first name.

In academia, you are expected to establish a national reputation in your field - so changing my name would cost me the name recognition I have built up so far. I think there is also a perception that women who change their names aren't quite as serious about their careers - like once you announce the name change people start anticipating the maternity leave, etc. (And God help you if you divorce and change your name multiple times)

So, I don't know if there would be any reason that could convince me to change my name professionally. I might go along with changing my name personally but not professionally - but that invites a whole new level of pain in the neck. Does HR know that my checks go to personal name but my email account should be set up under professional name? If the admin books a flight for me to attend a conference, will it have the right name on it?

If I keep my old name legally, but just start answering to the new name, will that cause a whole different set of problems? I don't anticipate kids, but will they let me pick my dog up from daycare if my driver's license doesn't match the name on the reservation they have?

It's a lot to ask, so I guess I'd be looking for a very compelling reason before I would change my name. And maybe a pony.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"But if you can't explain why it's important to you then why should she do it? Why is it being important to you less meaningful than her thinking that keeping her name is important to her? You don't seem to be saying anything here other than "I'm the man, she should do what I want."":::...

You lawyers....

There were more than enough fair, logical, rational reasons for not spending a fortune on her ring. BUT, I saw how important it was to her, and she is happy every time she looks at it. She is proud to wear it.

So it really upsets me when the situation is reversed, and all my reasons have been blown away with logic, and I'm left with "I really want you to" and she still says "sorry, not good enough".

But whatever... Just don't pretend that if there is ever another "i really want it" request, that I won't say "sorry, not good enough". Maybe at that point I should offer to trade.

[midjd]

So WWBG, it sounds like it's not the name change itself, but your DW's reaction to it that has spurred strong emotions? That for her, "because I want it" is an acceptable reason, but not when you say it? I can see why that would be upsetting.

But I wouldn't worry about the public perception. I don't think of people as any more or less married/committed because of a name change (or lack thereof). E.g. DH's first wife took his name (for the full 4 months they were married) - didn't stop her from cheating on him. She has gone through about 4 ex-husbands' names by now

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I changed my name because it was important to DH, even though HE couldn't explain why he wanted me to, either, so I guess I "accepted" that... doesn't mean I don't think it's a little ridiculous that no one seems to be able to provide a reason, though.":::...

You shouldn't find it ridiculous at all since you obviously accepted "its important to me" as reason enough. But let me try another idea:

When you agreed to do it, what was his reaction?
When you were announced as "Mr. and Mrs. hislastname" how did he look?
When you were called by your new name, how did you feel.

If anywhere in that process, your husband was blissfully happy about you doing it... THAT is why you did it. Try and put it into words if you can, but maybe it doesn't need words. Maybe its just a damn feeling.

[justme]

Can I just say that I like the board even more now that no one's gone on a tirade about how taking a man's last name after marriage is patriarchal and I'm a feminist? I hate when threads like this go down that path. Not a single one of them can articulate why keeping one man's name (their father) is less patriarchal than taking another man's name (the husband).

Personally, I plan to change my name unless it's something awful sounding. I dislike my last name because it's not fun to write in cursive and even though it's spelled phonetically NO ONE can pronounce it right. They've added W, N, E, O, D, and plenty of other letters that don't go in it. Give me a name no one can pronounce or a name everyone can pronounce, not a name where I have to try my damnedest not to look at them like they're a dumbass for adding in letters that aren't in my name.

[midjd]

I accepted "it's important to me" as reason enough - because I didn't have strong feelings either way. If I had - if I had a work history under my maiden name, or DH had a weird/hard to pronounce last name, or I was otherwise attached to my maiden name - he would have needed a better reason.

You shouldn't find it ridiculous at all since you obviously accepted "its important to me" as reason enough. But let me try another idea:

When you agreed to do it, what was his reaction?
When you were announced as "Mr. and Mrs. hislastname" how did he look?
When you were called by your new name, how did you feel.

#1 - I think my words were, "Whatever, I'll change it, I don't care." And then, after spending 5 hours at the Social Security Office, "You bastard."
#2 - Our wedding/reception were in the same room - no announcement.
#3 - Indifferent... it's a name. Wasn't particularly attached to the old one, same with the new one. It's just a name.

[quotequeen]

May 11, 2012 15:13:02 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"But if you can't explain why it's important to you then why should she do it? Why is it being important to you less meaningful than her thinking that keeping her name is important to her? You don't seem to be saying anything here other than "I'm the man, she should do what I want."":::...

You lawyers....

There were more than enough fair, logical, rational reasons for not spending a fortune on her ring. BUT, I saw how important it was to her, and she is happy every time she looks at it. She is proud to wear it.

So it really upsets me when the situation is reversed, and all my reasons have been blown away with logic, and I'm left with "I really want you to" and she still says "sorry, not good enough".

But whatever... Just don't pretend that if there is ever another "i really want it" request, that I won't say "sorry, not good enough". Maybe at that point I should offer to trade.

Yeah, it's a problem in my life that I generally expect people to make sense and be able to articulate the reasons that they want or expect things. And if I really care about somebody I might, under some circumstances, accept "I really want it" as good enough without more, but it depends on what I'm being asked to do, and how important the opposite is to me.

If your wife didn't actually care about keeping her name and refused to take yours because she was being selfish, well, I'm not that surprised. But if she refused to take it because keeping her name was important to her, then I see no reason that the opposite being important to you would automatically trump that.

If DH asked me to, say, quit my job and take one that pays less because it's important to him that he make more money than I do, then (a) he'd damn well better be able to explain why it's important to him to even ask such a thing and (b) I still wouldn't do it. If he asked me to go with him to his cousin's wedding that I don't really feel like going to because I won't know anybody, I'd do it without asking why he cares.

[midjd]

I suspect that if men had to go through the name-changing process, the tradition would be pretty much dead within one generation.

Seriously, I think you guys underestimate how much of a pain in the ass it is.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 11, 2012 15:04:36 GMT -5 midjd said:

As I said, "its important to me" wasn't apparently good enough, because there needed to be a reason WHY it was important enough.

Please list for me, the reasons which you would accept in order to change your name.

That's what I'm asking - why it's important. If something is important to you, there should be an articulable reason, right? I'm not trying to bust your chops or poke a sore spot, I'm genuinely interested. (If there are other guys on this thread who wanted their wives to change their names, please chime in).

I changed my name because it was important to DH, even though HE couldn't explain why he wanted me to, either, so I guess I "accepted" that... doesn't mean I don't think it's a little ridiculous that no one seems to be able to provide a reason, though.

But if you can't explain why it's important to you then why should she do it? Why is it being important to you more meaningful than her thinking that keeping her name is important to her? You don't seem to be saying anything here other than "I'm the man, she should do what I want."

I kind of agree with this. If your name automatically changed upon marriage, and it took an affirmative act to KEEP from changing it, that would be one thing - but if you want someone to jump through the hoops of changing a name (and it's a PITA, let me tell you) I think "because I want you to, isn't that a good enough reason?" is kind of a cop-out.

WWBG, I'd agree that I'd want some attempt at articulation of WHY it's so important. I hope I'd understand "I can't really explain it." Which is the explanation I just used to FB on her thread... But I'd want a bit of proof that it's something you HAVE thought about, even if it's to come back later and say "you know, my reaction to you not having my name is a visceral, gut wrenching dismay. I feel hurt, confused and sad that you don't want to share a name with me. I realize it's not rational or something I can logically explain - but this is how I feel." Not everything can be explained logically. I can't explain why I'm Catholic. I just am. And I can't/won't change that because I would no longer be me if I did.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Because I wanted to
It sounded better
It was more unique
I liked it more":::...

Not why YOU wanted to. For those who are saying "I need a good reason" I asked for the reasons HE could have given you, that would have made you agree.

...:::"Under what circumstances would you change your name, WWBG?":::...

Ah the flip trick... Flip it around on me, put me in the hot seat to get the spotlight off you. If you can get me so busy floundering about why I shouldn't change my name, I'll give you all the reasons you need to parrot back to me. Would you enjoy having that done to you every time you wanted to discuss something?

The circumstance under which I'd change it is if I wanted to change it, which I don't, so I won't.

[midjd]

The circumstance under which I'd change it is if I wanted to change it, which I don't, so I won't.

So that's an OK reason for you, but not your wife?

For those who are saying "I need a good reason" I asked for the reasons HE could have given you, that would have made you agree.

Well, since I *DID* agree, I think this is moot - but I wasn't asking you why my husband found it important, I was asking why OTHER MEN find it important. We've already established that my husband has no articulable reason for it... I was curious if there were any others out there who DID have a reason for it.

"Because my friends/family will make fun of me if she doesn't" and "because it makes me feel like a man" seem to be the only ones, so far...

[Deleted]

Actually, it was a legitimate question, not a head game. You don't want to change your name, so you won't change it.

What if it was really important to your wife? Could she persuade you? I assume you have a similar level of attachment to your name as I have to mine - otherwise you wouldn't want to share it with DW.

How happy would it have to make her in order to offset the unhappy it would make you?

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I feel hurt, confused and sad that you don't want to share a name with me.":::...

This is a tactical blunder! The counter is that if I'd change MY name, then we WILL have the same name. I thought of that one.

...:::"I suspect that if men had to go through the name-changing process, the tradition would be pretty much dead within one generation.":::...

The same could be said of the engagement ring.

...:::"Yeah, it's a problem in my life that I generally expect people to make sense and be able to articulate the reasons that they want or expect things. And if I really care about somebody I might, under some circumstances, accept "I really want it" as good enough without more, but it depends on what I'm being asked to do, and how important the opposite is to me.":::...

Again, it means you can't complain when you don't get what you want because you can't articulate it to someone else's satisfaction.

[Deleted]

[quote author=wewillbackgowron board=offtopic thread=22821 post=1032514 time=1336768015The circumstance under which I'd change it is if I wanted to change it, which I don't, so I won't.[/quote]

My thoughts exactly! Thanks! ;D

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::""Because my friends will make fun of me if she doesn't" and "because it makes me feel like a man" seem to be the only ones, so far... ":::...

I wasn't stupid enough to use that as a reason. But it is a side-effect.

[Peace Of Mind]

I know the real reason why men (that I know or have married) like it when we take their name. It's kind of like why they like it when we ******. (Sorry, but I'm serious.) They feel you have accepted them completely. That's how it was explained to me. LOL!

If I've offended anybody let me know and I'll edit. But the reasoning is the same and many women don't understand that part either.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"My thoughts exactly! Thanks!":::...

I expect you to be just as chipper when you are denied something you really want on the same grounds.

[Deleted]

Interesting, POM. I wonder if men would be willing to settle for one of those two options?

[Peace Of Mind]

May 11, 2012 15:38:36 GMT -5 @craftysarah said:

Interesting, POM. I wonder if men would be willing to settle for one of those two options?

Sarah, LMAO!!! Why do you think so many take their names?