How expensive can a divorce be

[Deleted]

Carl, I agree with the people recommending counseling. I consider myself pretty well-balanced but it really helped me during my divorce. It also kept me from venting to my lawyer and using HER as a therapist- an expensive waste of time since lawyers aren't qualified to help in that area and they charge by the hour! Whether you end up staying or going, it will make sure that you make the deciusion for the right reason and are well-prepared to go forward. Keep us posted.

[Works4me]

Thanks for letting us know you are alive - like CraftySarah, I too would post my budget if it would help (gulp!)

[Deleted]

Carl, know that we care about you. We have heard so many details of your life that we feel as though we know you personally. But like the Dark/Loop fiasco, we perfectly understand that you may want to take most of this offline.

My divorce was cheap because we figured out all the details ourselves. I think your MIL's money may work against you since she may help your wife if she wants to "punish" you. But your wife may not want to.

I did a good deed for both of us by asking for a divorce, but I will admit that I love being married again. My husband is facing health issues right now. I picture him alone in his rented house trying to juggle all that is going on. I have definitely helped him, but he helps me in so many ways. I have lunch from the Olive Garden tomorrow (soup and salad) because I had Night School tonight. He ate there and bought food for me.

I suspect you are angry and hurting and are experiencing a lot of other emotions right now. You are welcome to play them out on a message board if that helps. I think the mods only cut Dark and Loop off because they are both posters. But you are also welcome to retain some privacy. If you do that, there are many people on here who would volunteer to be sounding boards in PMs. Dark is definitely close to you in age, etc. I have kids close to your age. You get the idea.

Take care!

[resolution]

I imagine there is more to this than what you have chosen to share, but what you have shared is exactly the sort of weirdness I was worried about when you decided to live apart for a while. If she really misses you and is surrounded by crazy relatives it isn't a big stretch for her to get advice about a crazy plan to get a little piece of you that will be with her forever. I really hope you get some counseling and work things out. You may need to move together sooner rather than later and get her into a more normal environment.

[Deleted]

"If she really misses you and is surrounded by crazy relatives it isn't a big stretch for her to get advice about a crazy plan to get a little piece of you that will be with her forever."

Kari, this is really insightful.

[Deleted]

Great friend of mine just filed for divorce. His facebook post was "I got 99 problems, but a ..." you know the rest. If its not going to work, best to end it before kids come. How many people have you heard of that broke up, gave it another try, had kids, and ended up divorced.

[aliciar6]

I agree with the counseling, i find it odd she said that she wouldn't contest it, so to me that says that there are some serious issues if she is willing to let you walk out.

If you are conflicted at least give counseling a try. My FI says once you no longer have trust, you have nothing, but for some people trust can be rebuilt and a marriage or relationship can be stronger. If you are too far apart on other things that are going to be deal breakers in the long run, best to know now, than later.

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 6:10:46 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

I agree with the counseling, i find it odd she said that she wouldn't contest it, so to me that says that there are some serious issues if she is willing to let you walk out.

If you are conflicted at least give counseling a try. My FI says once you no longer have trust, you have nothing, but for some people trust can be rebuilt and a marriage or relationship can be stronger. If you are too far apart on other things that are going to be deal breakers in the long run, best to know now, than later.

that stood out to me as well.

[Deleted]

Spouses make mistakes. We all do. In order to be married, we do learn to become very forgiving of one another. Both my spouse and i had a a lot of diffuculties for several years and even contemplated divorce. But, through counseling, and maturity, we are both better people and better to one another. But, it did take work.

[NoNamePerson]

How expensive can a divorce be

Depends on who has the best attorney Having said that I will share my experience.

Ex and I decided who got what (not a lot to split up) right down to who got which bedroom suit, etc. But did have a home which had to go on the market and equity split equally. I took this info to attorney and he drew up papers and we both went and signed them.

We used the same attorney but by law he had to represent only one (me) if anything arose after final papers were filed. But this was mostly due to having child support thrown into the loop for at least two years (son 16 at time)

Procedure was short and sweet as attorney took papers to court, presented them to judge and then called me that afternoon to say I was divorced.

This was back in 1982 and I have never regretted the decision and I am better off emotionally and financially than I was married. Not saying the financial part was easy but I dug in knowing I was on my own from that day forward.

[Deleted]

You promised to love, honor and cherish this person all the days of your life, through better and worse. What changed?

[gawgagranny]

Carl, I can't think of anything new to say that hasn't already been said except that like so many others here, I care. Through following your posts on various subjects, I feel like I know you and I can imagine the pain you are in right now. My divorce was after 26 years of marriage (and 2 kids) and it took place 10 years ago--and I can still remember the shock and pain that hit me when I realized what was happening. On the other hand, I have a DS who was divorced approx. 18 months after marrying what turned out to be a total nutjob who was abusive toward him (verbally, emotionally, and even physically on occasion). I am thankful he was able to end that relationship before there were any children involved...and now, both DS and I are married to wonderful people & are happy.

As for you: please take a step back and take a deep breath & ask yourself this question--how do I imagine my life without her in it?

I don't know what the issues are; it really isn't anyone else's business but the two of you what has happened to bring you to this point that you are apparently seriously considering divorce. Just know that there are a lot of people here who care about you and are willing to listen to you if you want to talk--please PM me if you feel so inclined.

[swamp]

May 9, 2012 7:23:04 GMT -5 @daphne87 said:

May 9, 2012 6:10:46 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

I agree with the counseling, i find it odd she said that she wouldn't contest it, so to me that says that there are some serious issues if she is willing to let you walk out.

Not necessarily -- I think it could be guilt for considering the cousin's suggestion. Or even just engaging in the conversation. Maybe she's just acknowledging the mistake she's made and will do anything to get Carl to trust her again. Even give him a divorce if that's what he wants.

Carl, please consider taking some time for yourself. Probably take time off from work as well. A mini-vacation just for you to sort through your feelings. And truly give counseling a try. It can't hurt!

From what Cawiau says, Mrs. Cawiau is very reserved, nonconfrontational, and doesn't like conflict. I don't think it;s an odd reaction.

[swamp]

May 9, 2012 7:33:12 GMT -5 @shooby said:

You promised to love, honor and cherish this person all the days of your life, through better and worse. What changed?

He found that she was going to trick him into getting her pregnant "accidentally" when they agreed to wait a couple of years. I wouldn't trust her again, either.

[Deleted]

so she'd be willing to let him walk out of her life because she doesn't like conflict? We should all have something in our lives that we'd fight for.

[swamp]

May 9, 2012 7:41:12 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

so she'd be willing to let him walk out of her life because she doesn't like conflict? We should all have something in our lives that we'd fight for.

I'm not like that, you aren't like that, but some people are.

Mrs. C also has the cultural pressure to breed yesterday, which I cannot relate to, so I could see her willing to walk so she can get her baby. I think it's stupid, but I've seen it.

[Deleted]

Up until the point you really ARE going to get a divorce, i think it is a bad idea to toss about the D word. I think it interferes with working on your relationship and the notion of lifetime committment, I would be very careful about even speaking that. And, is that what your really want to do? Do you really want to leave and end your marriage? Or, so you want an apology or change of behavior or something you don't feel you are getting? Those are different issues.

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 7:39:24 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 9, 2012 7:33:12 GMT -5 @shooby said:

You promised to love, honor and cherish this person all the days of your life, through better and worse. What changed?

He found that she was going to trick him into getting her pregnant "accidentally" when they agreed to wait a couple of years. I wouldn't trust her again, either.

You don't know the situation and neither do i. Maybe she was joking, speculating, or BSing who knows. That is up to Carl to determine.

But, even still, apparently she wants a baby very badly. Maybe this is the time for her to apologize and for him to really sit down and talk and renegotiate when they do want to have their child. To break the bonds of marriage over that, well he can do what he wants, that is up to him. I do think there are other ways to approach it.

[wvugurl26]

May 9, 2012 7:39:24 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 9, 2012 7:33:12 GMT -5 @shooby said:

You promised to love, honor and cherish this person all the days of your life, through better and worse. What changed?

He found that she was going to trick him into getting her pregnant "accidentally" when they agreed to wait a couple of years. I wouldn't trust her again, either.

Yeah thats a pretty shitty thing to do. And I'd have to agree with alicia's fiancee, if you don't have trust there's nothing to base a relationship on.

They are young, they'd be better off financially if they waited for kids. He'd probably also be more likely to be in one spot and not transferring every year or two. They agreed to all that and now she wants to go behind his back, not cool.

[Opti]

I agree with the counseling, i find it odd she said that she wouldn't contest it, so to me that says that there are some serious issues if she is willing to let you walk out.

I don't find it odd only because I think contesting a divorce just makes it more expensive, it wouldn't change someone's mind.
If for whatever reason the judge didn't grant the divorce, the person
who wanted one could just start cheating or something and get it granted later.

I understand why Carl may not want to let us know what's really going on, but without more information it looks more like the stress of everything is wearing him down and he's not thinking clearly. He has a job at a new location, he is living in a different area, he hasn't been living with his wife for a couple months, and lots of odd and painful drama has happened in the last couple months. Add in he just had his birthday a couple weeks ago and the unexpected death in the family not too long ago it wouldn't be an easy period for most people.

When you are apart from someone for awhile the things they do that annoy you may annoy you more because you have time to think on them. I hope he's spent some time calling sane happy people to talk to and perhaps see if he can find some locally via a church or some other organization. I hope some supportive nice people come into your life soon Carl if they aren't there already.

[Deleted]

It was one incident. I don't think it needs to be blown up into a "sky is falling" event. Chatting and joking with her girlfriend is no big deal. And, did actually Trick him into getting her pregnant or was it just talking? It doesnt mean he can "never trust her again" and all that stuff. I think everyone should calm down and look at reality and then make decisions.

[Deleted]

we don't know if she agreed or if the cousin was just suggesting it. If the cousin suggested it, I don't see how that's DW's fault. If DW agreed, well then that's a whole different ball game. But this is just one situation of several, so we can't put so much emphasis on this one thing.

I'll stop speculating now.

[happyhoix]

Carl I thought I had crazy ass relatives and inlaws, but I think maybe yours are more crazy ass then mine, even.

I think what would matter to me is how your wife was participating in this conversation. Was she merely listening to a crazy cousin ramble? Or were the two of them actively plotting together?

This is what counseling is for. Find out how desperate she is to have kids, and let her know where you need to be in life before you consider having kids, and see if you can work something out. From what you've said about her, I think you really love each other, I would hate for you guys to lose all that.

[wvugurl26]

He shared one incident. He doesn't have to share everything so perhaps there are other issues as well. You never know exactly what is going on in someone's life. He has been through a lot which is why everyone has advised him to take a little time to think about it, get some counseling, get his thoughts together.

[swamp]

May 9, 2012 7:45:59 GMT -5 @shooby said:

May 9, 2012 7:39:24 GMT -5 swamp said:

He found that she was going to trick him into getting her pregnant "accidentally" when they agreed to wait a couple of years. I wouldn't trust her again, either.

You don't know the situation and neither do i. Maybe she was joking, speculating, or BSing who knows. That is up to Carl to determine.

But, even still, apparently she wants a baby very badly. Maybe this is the time for her to apologize and for him to really sit down and talk and renegotiate when they do want to have their child. To break the bonds of marriage over that, well he can do what he wants, that is up to him. I do think there are other ways to approach it.

From the way he described it, I agree, it could have been a joke, her cousin could have been serious and Mrs. C was just smiling and nodding to appease her, or they could have been discussing it seriously. From his reaction, I'd assume they were serious. I could be wrong, though.

If they were serious, I'd contemplate divorce too.

[Deleted]

Yes. I don't know the rest of the story so i cannot comment either way. I would just say that marriage is for the long haul. We live, learn and grow together. And, yes, spouses are going to make mistakes. And, we should want to give our spouse the benefit of doubt and second chance before pulling the plug. Think of the time you have invested in one another over the years good times and bad times then think of not having that at all. Think of not having that person beside you when you wake up or come home from work. Think of the real moments when they are no longer with you. Then, think about whether a divorce is the what you want to do.

[Opti]

May 9, 2012 7:39:24 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 9, 2012 7:33:12 GMT -5 @shooby said:

You promised to love, honor and cherish this person all the days of your life, through better and worse. What changed?

He found that she was going to trick him into getting her pregnant "accidentally" when they agreed to wait a couple of years. I wouldn't trust her again, either.

Unless I missed a post, what I read is the cousin suggested that to her. Nothing at all was said about her reaction, agreement, disagreement to that, etc.

[wodehouse]

To get up-to-speed on Carl's issue, I used the feature to read his last 10 (or any number of) posts. He hasn't said much here, but from posts in two other threads over the past few days it seems that he's having a very hard time with a number of family members and others. Possibly the great annoyance he's shown comes from one sole source, his wife (and her mom). But he's one very frustrated guy right now.

[swamp]

May 9, 2012 7:56:47 GMT -5 Opti said:

May 9, 2012 7:39:24 GMT -5 swamp said:

He found that she was going to trick him into getting her pregnant "accidentally" when they agreed to wait a couple of years. I wouldn't trust her again, either.

Unless I missed a post, what I read is the cousin suggested that to her. Nothing at all was said about her reaction, agreement, disagreement to that, etc.

I noted that in a previous post, but based on is reaction, it seems like she was actively participating in the discussion.

But if the cousin was just being crazy, Mrs. C could have just been "smiling and nodding" while the cousin babbled and he overreacted. Who knows?

[Deleted]

...also I know carl recently lost a cousin (funeral).....Carl hang in there