How expensive can a divorce be

[NoNamePerson]

May 9, 2012 7:57:29 GMT -5 wodehouse said:

To get up-to-speed on Carl's issue, I used the feature to read his last 10 (or any number of) posts. He hasn't said much here, but from posts in two other threads over the past few days it seems that he's having a very hard time with a number of family members and others. Possibly the great annoyance he's shown comes from one sole source, his wife (and her mom). But he's one very frustrated guy right now.

Well, I will jump back in and say that "interference and annoyance" from outsiders is one reason my EX and I told NO ONE except our son about divorce until it was final. Of course it took from August 1 to 19th to become final. I admit ours was easy and not everyone can go about it as we did. I told my friends after the fact as well as my Mother. Most folks saw the notice in the paper.

[Opti]

May 9, 2012 7:59:43 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 9, 2012 7:56:47 GMT -5 Opti said:

Unless I missed a post, what I read is the cousin suggested that to her. Nothing at all was said about her reaction, agreement, disagreement to that, etc.

I noted that in a previous post, but based on is reaction, it seems like she was actively participating in the discussion.

But if the cousin was just being crazy, Mrs. C could have just been "smiling and nodding" while the cousin babbled and he overreacted. Who knows?

Given he said it has nothing to do with her, what she has said or done
I'm thinking the stress of his situation has got him over-reacting. I could be wrong, but being pulled away from his support systems and having employees whine to you about their child support issues among other things, the poor guy is just overloaded.

Even the most stable of people can get off their game sometimes.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Carl, thank you for popping in. I too am confused about your example but am trying to respect your right to privacy over my desire to figure out if/how I can help.

you're in my thoughts and I hope you find peace and happiness with whatever is going on.

Beth

[8 Bit WWBG]

Cawiau, now seems as good a time as any to ask for some bodybuilding advice.

I've been looking into the idea of doing some "warmup sets" about 10-13 reps with medium weight, then 2-3 reps at very high weight in order to build bulk. I've already been doing this with bicep curls, overhead tricep dips, and tricep pulls. I want to do it with benching, but I'd need a spotter. Right now, we only go to the gym twice a week, and so I'm doing about 25 minutes worth of weight lifting. I do a 20 minute cardio warmup on gym days. I do power walking or jogging twice a week as well. I want to make sure I build more muscle to help burn fat, and to look like Spartacus or Ricardo Montalban. Actually that Spartacus Workout from mens health is also a great set of exercises. "Mountain climber" and the various plank exercises really kick my ass.

I want to build arms and chest. Legs are a second priority, but couldn't hurt. I suppose its something that comes from just making sure I stick to it.

Annnnnnnnyyyyyyywaaaaayyyyyyyyyyysssss

He said that its not because of his promotion or the distance, its not something she "said or did", that she said she wouldn't contest it, and that an example of the trouble is something idiotic her cousin said (with no mention of his wife's reaction).

In previous threads, he also said that she seemed just as on board with waiting for kids as he was. Sure, neither of them WANT to wait, but since she recited all the reasons for waiting, and seems to be sticking to them, it seems like she was part of the plan too. I think they had their slip ups (leaving the condoms home on vacation) and a few "lets just go for it" threads, but so far they seem to be making progress on paying off debt and sticking to the plan.

I empathize with cawiau a lot since he and I have faced similar problems (vis a vis our spouses financial attitudes anyway). But I've sensed throughout that he really does love his wife and she must love him too. They've grown a lot together and dealt with a lot together. Hopefully they will come through this alright as well.

[8 Bit WWBG]

OK I just used that "last 15 posts" feature, and I'm wondering whether or not its just the culmination of 1,000 little things that has him on edge. So unless there is something serious like the "slip him something so he is none the wiser" is actually to cover up the fact that she is already pregnant, then just grit your teeth, and as you said, get over your PMS.

If its something far more serious, we are all here for you if you need to talk.

The idea of "cutting everything loose and starting over" is always tempting when things get overwhelming.

[quotequeen]

Carl said this was an example of what is bothering him. I don't know why anybody would even try to judge whether he should or should not be contemplating divorce. There's no information and he's obviously choosing not to share it. And, he didn't ask for advice about whether he should get divorced, he just asked about the cost.

[Deleted]

we realize that QQ, but some of us are actually concerned about his well-being and state of mind and don't want to see him do something he may regret later.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 9, 2012 9:23:53 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

If its something far more serious, we are all here for you if you need to talk.

The idea of "cutting everything loose and starting over" is always tempting when things get overwhelming.

Hell yes. Before I started on my depression meds, I wondered if my kids would be better off with a different family. I wasn't suicidal but just so overwhelmed that just making it though the day was hard, dealing with additional crap was like staring up at a mountain or a tsunami and not having a clue how to deal with it. I knew intellectually that the kids would miss me and it would traumatize them but emotionally it made sense, if you follow that. I am in a MUCH better place on my meds right now. And I'm dealing with stuff better.

So Carl, please speak to someone if any of this resounds.

[quotequeen]

May 9, 2012 9:26:17 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

we realize that QQ, but some of us are actually concerned about his well-being and state of mind and don't want to see him do something he may regret later.

I care about him too. I just don't see how statements like "You promised to love, honor and cherish this person all the days of your life, through better and worse" and "marriage is for the long haul" are at all helpful when you don't really understand the situation or where the person even stands right now. If it were me, I would read that as more judging than caring.

[midjd]

I agree with QQ, which is why I've been kind of staying out of this thread. A lot goes on in a marriage - nobody but the people involved really know everything. Even as much as Cawaiu posts about his life, his marriage, his family, none of us really know what's up. Speculating is probably unwise.

I do think counseling is a good idea, for many reasons - but other than that, no advice here.

[Opti]

May 9, 2012 9:26:17 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

we realize that QQ, but some of us are actually concerned about his well-being and state of mind and don't want to see him do something he may regret later.

Exactly. I am worried and I have no idea what to do.

Do you think a Doxie, Tloony or similar thread would cheer him up?

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 9:45:44 GMT -5 quotequeen said:

May 9, 2012 9:26:17 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

we realize that QQ, but some of us are actually concerned about his well-being and state of mind and don't want to see him do something he may regret later.

I care about him too. I just don't see how statements like "You promised to love, honor and cherish this person all the days of your life, through better and worse" and "marriage is for the long haul" are at all helpful when you don't really understand the situation or where the person even stands right now. If it were me, I would read that as more judging than caring.

I agree with you about those type of statements.

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 9:50:15 GMT -5 Opti said:

May 9, 2012 9:26:17 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

we realize that QQ, but some of us are actually concerned about his well-being and state of mind and don't want to see him do something he may regret later.

Exactly. I am worried and I have no idea what to do.

Do you think a Doxie, Tloony or similar thread would cheer him up?

it's worth a try! ;D

[Deleted]

Sometimes toe-curling sex just isn't enough..

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 9:52:33 GMT -5 @mmc said:

Sometimes toe-curling sex just isn't enough..

BLASPHEMY!!!!

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 9:53:28 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

May 9, 2012 9:52:33 GMT -5 @mmc said:

Sometimes toe-curling sex just isn't enough..

BLASPHEMY!!!!

Toe-curling + back-throwing-out, now that is another story.

[Angel!]

May 9, 2012 6:10:46 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

I agree with the counseling, i find it odd she said that she wouldn't contest it, so to me that says that there are some serious issues if she is willing to let you walk out.

I don't see that as odd. You can't really contest the divorce, just how the stuff is split. If your DH/DW is seriously considering divorce, do you say you will contest it just to make shit more difficult.

I think it shows she is a reasonable person & doesn't want to make a divorce harder than it needs to be, if things have to go that way.

[Deleted]

May 9, 2012 9:57:52 GMT -5 @mmc said:

May 9, 2012 9:53:28 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

BLASPHEMY!!!!

Toe-curling + back-throwing-out, now that is another story.

okay, that's more like it.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I care about him too. I just don't see how statements like "You promised to love, honor and cherish this person all the days of your life, through better and worse" and "marriage is for the long haul" are at all helpful when you don't really understand the situation or where the person even stands right now. If it were me, I would read that as more judging than caring.":::...

With this specific statement, it all depends on how one views one's marriage vows. For one extreme, marriage is "something we can always divorce over", whereas for the other extreme, saying "you made a vow" should end all talk about divorce because its simply not an option no matter what end of story.

I'm pretty sure in past, cawiau has referenced points about his upbringing to outline the situations under which he would divorce. But I was pretty sure that outside of those extremes (and lets hope that one of those has not been violated here), he was there to stay and expected the same of her.

What concerns me most is that it sounds like a conversation has already taken place with his wife where she has agreed not to contest it. Whether what she is saying is "I love you and if this is what it takes to have you happy, then I'll let you go", or if she is saying "I totally screwed up and I deserve this", or if she is saying "if you want to go, lets make this quick and cheap", what is scary is that it is beyond something he is just "considering" or throwing out to get sympathy.

[Miss Tequila]

I agree with QQ as well, which is why I also stayed out of this. I've been there and from the outside, my marriage looked picture-perfect. Only my husband adn I knew what was going on and I didn't even tell anyone until the day we separated. I didn't need or want anyone telling me what was divorce worthy. My husband and I had to figure that out on our own. Luckily for us, after an almost 6 month separation we realized we were able to work through our issues and we came out stronger for having been separated.

Whatever happens, Carl doesn't need anyone giving him shit for what is important to him. There are things that are deal-breakers for me that someone else might be able to work through. And a deal breaker for someone else might seem insignificant to me. We are all different.

All I can and will do is offer a huge shoulder to lean on if you need it.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I agree that we've only heard part of the story. There may be (and probably are) other things besides this one incident that are leading him toward seriously thinking of divorce. Not all marriages can be fixed, especially after the trust is gone.

[Deleted]

We were at her little cousin last Saturday for his first communion. One of the kid vomit and I was helping cleaning it up.

So they were talking and did not see me heading back to them and basically her cousin was telling her how I would be a good dad.

My wife said yes and she was worried she had fertility issue since she couldn't seem to get pregnant (last I check we were not trying). She went as far as getting tested to see if she had fertility issues (news to me).

It seems for a couple of months now she has been telling me she was not ovulating when she was at her peak in a effort to get pregnant.

Her cousin suggested the drug and she did not answer since her mother interrupted then at the time. So we had a huge argument over the weekend.

When we finally talked, her defense was that
A) she was not trying to trick me into knocking he up but more so not trying not to get pregnant. It would be an accident and we would just both accept it.
B) she would have never drugged me
C) she feels that having a baby would make things easier, easier for her to just move, etc.
D) best part: she suggested that I may want to get tested for fertility because she should have gotten pregnant.
E) my cousin that got married a day after us just announce she was pregnant with her third... That did not help.

She wants a baby now, I am not ready for one now and more certain about it more than ever.

It is unfair of her to push it on me and it would be unfair of me to hold her from having one.

And yes I told her the whole trust thing and how could I trust her. Her logic is it wouldn't be really tricking me since we both want kids and just can't seem to agree on the timeline... Her accidentally getting pregnant would solve that and after all she only wants 1.

It would only be tricking if I did not want kid period or she was trying to keep me from leaving her. After all we were both on board to have kids not to long ago.

Cluster fuck!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Carl, I'm sorry.

I'm pretty much stunned speechless here but do think you should find a professional to talk to.

ETA - I have 2 oops babies. But DH knows that they were oops babies. Based on your post, I feel that she lied to you, esp. if she verbally stated "I'm not ovulating." when she was at her peak of fertility. I, personally, feel she is in the wrong. I don't know if this is divorce worthy or not. That's your call.

[aliciar6]

May 9, 2012 9:59:42 GMT -5 Angel! said:

May 9, 2012 6:10:46 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

I agree with the counseling, i find it odd she said that she wouldn't contest it, so to me that says that there are some serious issues if she is willing to let you walk out.

I don't see that as odd. You can't really contest the divorce, just how the stuff is split. If your DH/DW is seriously considering divorce, do you say you will contest it just to make shit more difficult.

I think it shows she is a reasonable person & doesn't want to make a divorce harder than it needs to be, if things have to go that way.

i guess i phrased that wrong, i find it odd that she'd be like "ok, i'll go through with this with no resistance" rather than "let's fight for our marriage"

because that was my take on how he phrased "she said she wouldn't contest it"

[Formerly SK]

WOW...that is a HUGE betrayal of trust. I'm so sorry. #buddies#

I don't understand some women. Having children is so hard...why would you want to have one with someone who isn't 10,000% on board with having one? Otherwise you end up doing the majority of the care and then resenting the person (who wasn't on board to begin with). As for her argument of C....WTF? Does she actually TALK with other parents??? Having children makes NOTHING easier. You do it because you love them, but no way no how have I ever met someone who said "My life is so much easier since I had kids." #rofl#

[Deleted]

WOW, just wow......I'm saddened you are going through this Carl. Just be sure that whatever steps you take going forward are well thought out. Those who have said to get some counselling are correct. If not for you and Mrs. as a couple, then do it for you to be able to make good decisions.

[Miss Tequila]

Oh Carl, I don't know what I would do. I disagree that it wasn't tricking you...you both agreed to wait and she was trying to trick you into something before you are ready.

You are in my thoughts.

Good luck

[NancysSummerSip]

You were both on board when it comes to having kids. It sounds like the issue is the timing. And yes, it sounds like she is under pressure from a variety of sources: the fact that a family member is having kids, possibly she is getting the "When are you two having kids?" question from her family.

But this gets my attention:

<<Her logic is it wouldn't be really tricking me since we both want kids and just can't seem to agree on the timeline... Her accidentally getting pregnant would solve that and after all she only wants 1.>>

Her accidentally getting pregnant solves nothing. It just pushes you to a place you don't want to be right now.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm pretty much stunned speechless here but do think you should find a professional to talk to.

[aliciar6]

May 9, 2012 12:36:37 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

We were at her little cousin last Saturday for his first communion. One of the kid vomit and I was helping cleaning it up.

So they were talking and did not see me heading back to them and basically her cousin was telling her how I would be a good dad.

My wife said yes and she was worried she had fertility issue since she couldn't seem to get pregnant (last I check we were not trying). She went as far as getting tested to see if she had fertility issues (news to me).

It seems for a couple of months now she has been telling me she was not ovulating when she was at her peak in a effort to get pregnant.

Her cousin suggested the drug and she did not answer since her mother interrupted then at the time. So we had a huge argument over the weekend.

When we finally talked, her defense was that
A) she was not trying to trick me into knocking he up but more so not trying not to get pregnant. It would be an accident and we would just both accept it.
B) she would have never drugged me
C) she feels that having a baby would make things easier, easier for her to just move, etc.
D) best part: she suggested that I may want to get tested for fertility because she should have gotten pregnant.
E) my cousin that got married a day after us just announce she was pregnant with her third... That did not help.

She wants a baby now, I am not ready for one now and more certain about it more than ever.

It is unfair of her to push it on me and it would be unfair of me to hold her from having one.

And yes I told her the whole trust thing and how could I trust her. Her logic is it wouldn't be really tricking me since we both want kids and just can't seem to agree on the timeline... Her accidentally getting pregnant would solve that and after all she only wants 1.

It would only be tricking if I did not want kid period or she was trying to keep me from leaving her. After all we were both on board to have kids not to long ago.

Cluster fuck!

I'm pretty sure it's still her tricking you, it's not being honest and if you can not and do not feel that you can be totally open and honest with your SO, then something is really wrong.

I am taken aback by her rationale and her disreguard for your feelings on the issue.