How expensive can a divorce be

[happyhoix]

Carl I'm another person that feels like I know you from reading your posts. I also felt there was a lot of love between you and your wife.

Does your work have an EAP program that can refer you to a marriage counselor? Do you attend a church that can refer you to one? I don't know what happened, but even in cases of serious breaches of trust like infidelity, counseling can help sort things out and help you remember why you married your wife in the first place.

Let us know how you're doing. You have a lot of friends here.

[Deleted]

"I care about some of you way more than I should."

[sheilaincali]

My divorce in 1996 cost me $700. We had minimal, no assets, no children and no property. I had an attorney file everything and write it all up. He had his mom (seriously) read it over and then he signed in. In MN there is no waiting period. We were married 12/16/95, I went to the lawyer 3/19/96 and the divorce was approved by the judge and official on 4/16/96.

Other than that hugs to you. I really enjoy reading your threads and hope you are doing ok.

[Deleted]

Carl - take care of yourself.

[Jaguar]

May 8, 2012 11:10:45 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I care about some of you way more than I should.

[CarolinaKat]

May 8, 2012 12:01:32 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

Carl - take care of yourself.

[taz157]

I care about some of you way more than I should.

Carl - Take care of yourself.

FWIW, when my DH and I relocated from MD to FL, we did spend a period of time apart while he was settling things up there while I had be down here for my job. Even after he sold his business, he was still going back-and-forth due to a house we had on the market. After that, it still took time for him to find a job while he was down here. There were definitely arguments and disagreements, but we loved each other and worked through it. In a couple of weeks, our 8th anniversary will be here (together for 13 years). The only time divorce has every crossed either of our lips was shortly after we had gotten married and we had a stupid fight. It was definitely not divorce-worthy and I can't even remember what it was about. Just don't make any rash decisions as many of us here can tell that you love your wife unless she did something totally unforgivable (i.e., abusive to you, cheating on you).

[Peace Of Mind]

I hope he shows up to let us know he is ok. Carl - We won't ask any questions if you can just say "Hello" real quick. And if you just had a bad day/night I can promise to never bring this subject up again unless you want to.

Hang in there and please know you are already missed!

[midjd]

POM, he just posted over in YM. (I feel like a total stalker now, but I was concerned too!)

Cawaiu, I hope everything is OK.

[Peace Of Mind]

Mid, LOL!! Thank you! I use New Topics and saw him. Did you also breathe a sigh of relief?

[Deleted]

Hi folks thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.

We have no kids, no properties and she said she won't contest the divorce so should be straight forward if I decide to go down that road.

Not sure what my next move will be and not sure what I really want. And it's not really her or what she did but other factors.

Ex: walked in on her cousin telling her to slip some things in my drinks so she could get pregnant and I wouldn't be none the wiser.

[Deleted]

Hi. Glad to see that you are okay.

These other factors.... can they be something you discuss with her? I'm guessing you've already done that to some extent. But wow, the example you gave is mind-blowing. Although she wasn't telling her cousin this - her cousin was telling HER.

[Opti]

May 8, 2012 13:46:47 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Hi folks thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.

We have no kids, no properties and she said she won't contest the divorce so should be straight forward if I decide to go down that road.

Not sure what my next move will be and not sure what I really want. And it's not really her or what she did but other factors.

Ex: walked in on her cousin telling her to slip some things in my drinks so she could get pregnant and I wouldn't be none the wiser.

I'm confused if its not her or what she did you would get divorced
over some idiot cousin giving bad advice to your wife even if she had no intention of taking it?

I hope you don't let crazy people in both your families ruin what
is between you two. It probably is complicated by the fact that your wife is living with your Mom and they probably discuss your lives frequently.

[Deleted]

cawaii,

I wouldn't let some crazy comments you heard between two Chatty Kathies cause you to get a divorce. You know your wife.


But if you two are definitely pointing down two separate paths in life then you do need to have a serious discussion about your futures.

[shanendoah]

Carl-
I know I sent you a PM, but given your example of what happened, get yourselves to a marriage counselor, ASAP.
It could very well be that her desire for kids NOW (and a possible willingness to trick you into it) will derail your marriage. At the same time, you know you both want kids, it's just the timing that you can't agree on. Unless she's willing to go the sperm donor route, if you two split, she's not having kids now anyway.

But, in the giving her the benefit of the doubt, and based on what you told us, it could very well be that she was venting her frustration (which we all need to do) to her cousin (not the best choice, but family is family) and her cousin was offering a solution. I don't think your wife is anything like her cousin, so I have a hard time believing she was soliciting advice on how to trick you into have a child.

If this is what your mother was bugging you about (I think you mentioned telling her to back off in a different thread), then you absolutely did the right thing. This is your life, not hers. It took both sets of my parents some time to figure it out, but they did finally get it when I repeatedly told them my kid plans were none of their business. In fact, they were both surprise (and delighted) when I called to tell them we had started the adoption process, as they had resigned themselves to no 2 legged grandchildren.
But this is a message you need to be consistent with. Once you start telling them it's none of their business, that needs to stay the message until you are ready to let them back in, if ever.

[NancysSummerSip]

walked in on her cousin telling her to slip some things in my drinks so she could get pregnant and I wouldn't be none the wiser.

Wow...time for some distance between you two and that cousin, to say the least.


And time for a serious discussion on the future of the two of you. Only you two can decide what is next. I know you love your family, and are close to many of them, despite the years of crazy stuff. But that's just plain wrong.

[kindthatjingles]

Everyone has different deal breakers....

This is something you two need to work out.

When a woman has a yearning for a baby, the pitter patter of those little feet get louder and louder and just doesn't go away.

Has she felt she can't talk to you because you are so focused on money matters( not that it is wrong but sometimes alterign your plan is what may make your partner happy.


If this is the same cousin that is batt sh*t crazy consider the source as well

[Deleted]

May 8, 2012 13:46:47 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Hi folks thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.

We have no kids, no properties and she said she won't contest the divorce so should be straight forward if I decide to go down that road.

Not sure what my next move will be and not sure what I really want. And it's not really her or what she did but other factors.

Ex: walked in on her cousin telling her to slip some things in my drinks so she could get pregnant and I wouldn't be none the wiser.

That is the issue you want to divorce over? Do you have an otherwise good marriage but for some reason that will push you out the door?

[Deleted]

May 8, 2012 14:44:30 GMT -5 @shooby said:

May 8, 2012 13:46:47 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Hi folks thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.

We have no kids, no properties and she said she won't contest the divorce so should be straight forward if I decide to go down that road.

Not sure what my next move will be and not sure what I really want. And it's not really her or what she did but other factors.

Ex: walked in on her cousin telling her to slip some things in my drinks so she could get pregnant and I wouldn't be none the wiser.

That is the issue you want to divorce over? Do you have an otherwise good marriage but for some reason that will push you out the door?

He said it was an example. Maybe it was the only one he was willing to share at the time.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Is ths the crazy cousin tht is giving your wife this advice? If so, you need to consider the source.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Wow I am gone for a day and look what I miss.

Carl after reading all your posts I will be blunt and say you got some fucked up family members with some really screwball ideas concerning kids.

What did your wife have to say (you don't have to post that) to the cousin or did you walk in before she had the chance to reply?

I would not divorce my husband based on a piece of conversation I overheard, especially if I had family that viewed kids like yours does.

If you have not done so please take some time to cool off and talk to your wife about the conversation and what SHE feels.

Then decide what you want to do about it. But don't end your marriage based on what has been a plot on every soap opera in existence.

If your wife actually planned to execute it that is one thing, but if it was her screwball cousin's brilliant suggestion that's not something I'd take out on my spouse. I'd have words with the cousin.

[Deleted]

If you love your wife, i would seriously consider getting some marriage counseling. Please do so to help that sort things out for you.

[Deleted]

Carl - DH and I had to go to counseling to settle the more kids issue. DH wanted to stop, I wanted more. At times I've asked him half-jokingly, half-seriously, what he would do if I ended up knocked up despite his wishes.
I respect him too much to do that but the thought has certainly gone through my head and been expressed. Even good marriages can run into issues that are hard to solve without outside help.

Please talk to a counselor. I've said it so many times but it's worth repeating: counselors are not just for saving a marriage. Sometimes they help you know when it's time to exit. It's worth speaking to one. You guys are facing a lot of stress right now: family with boundary issues, the topic of children, moving and uprooting your lives.

[movingforward]

Carl, I hope everything works out between you and and your wife. I typically find that when something like this happens where one party is contemplating divorce (which seems out of the blue to everyone else) that there usually are some underlying issues that no one else, and sometimes even you, didn't realize. When my ex and I split it was one of those situations where I literally woke up one day and said I don't want to be with you anymore. It was like a light went off one day and I realized we just didn't have the same goals and/or needs. There were several issues (differing opinions on money being one) but I kept putting them on the back burner until they finally boiled over and when it ended it looked like it was over something stupid and small but that was just the cherry on the sundae. There usually are a lot of other issues that other people don't get a glimpse of. My ex and I were only living together so leaving was much easier than getting a divorce. Had we been married I probably would have tried counseling (though I doubt he would have agreed to it - him being perfect and all ). I wish you all the best no matter which way this thing goes.

[Deleted]

May 8, 2012 13:46:47 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Hi folks thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.

We have no kids, no properties and she said she won't contest the divorce so should be straight forward if I decide to go down that road.

Not sure what my next move will be and not sure what I really want. And it's not really her or what she did but other factors.

Ex: walked in on her cousin telling her to slip some things in my drinks so she could get pregnant and I wouldn't be none the wiser.

dude, unless there is more to this, I wouldn't sweat this....you said it's what the cousin said, you didn't say your wife agreed....

and were they drinking? joking around? serious? even if you think you know, you may not know.....I say crazy stuff all the time at work....like I tell my people sometimes "I don't really care about you, I care about the amountof work you can do for me" (but I think everyone obviously knows I am joking because of the way I am at work....except one time there was a new employee that I wasn't aware of .....well that's another story.....long story long- things can be taken out of context)

don't jump the gun

[telephus44]

carl, I'm another poster who feels like I've known you since I've followed your posts for a long time. I just want to add my voice to the many who say counseling, even if it's just for yourself. DH and I also have huge issues that came to a head in Feb, and even though I'm pregnant right now we've talked about getting a divorce. We're both doing counseling and while we haven't fully agreed to stay together, we've at least agreed to give it until the end of the year. It's a tough situation to be in, and if you want to talk feel free to PM me.

[Angel!]

Sorry to hear things have been rough. Consider seeing a counselor just for yourself. Based on your comments on the other thread, it sounds like you have been very stressed or something & can't handle little bumps & annoyances.

Not sure what happened with the wifey, but don't do anything drastic without thinking it through & possibly giving yourselves a chance to work on things. I think the biggest regret you could have is realizing a few years down the road that you gave up too soon & should have tried harder to work things out.

If you do the divorce completely yourself (papers & everything), then there will be a filing fee of ~$250 or so. Our area has free pro se workshops with lawyers that will help walk you through the process & paperwork. If it is uncontested & you don't want to do it yourself, you should be able to hire a lawyer for $1K-$2K to fill out & file the paperwork. If it is contested then you are probably starting at ~$5K & it can go up from there.

I did both my divorces without a lawyer. IMO, it isn't really that big of a deal if it is uncontested, especially with no kids & no alimony. You just agree how to split up your stuff & then fill out the paperwork with that info.

[lexpenguin]

I'm mostly a lurker but thought I would chime in to say that I have never for a minute regretted my divorce. It was difficult emotionally and financially but I feel like I dodged a huge bullet by getting divorced before we had kids.

There was a lot of shock and surprise since I hadn't told people about the issues - and a lot of them were very painful to talk about so most people didn't ever know and I'm sure a lot of them thought that we were treating marriage lightly or not realizing that every day wasn't supposed to be a fairy tale. Ultimately, it's your life and your decision. Divorce (especially without kids) really isn't the worst thing in the world - whatever you decide, you will be ok.

(I did go see a counselor on my own when I was trying to figure out what to do. I thought it would be a total waste of time and was shocked at how much it helped me clarify my thoughts and not judge myself.)

[Deleted]

carl thanks for checking in though, whatever else keep going one day at a time and do some things to distract yourself / channel your energy too

still going to the gym?

[Deleted]

May 8, 2012 19:04:46 GMT -5 @robbase2012 said:

carl thanks for checking in though, whatever else keep going one day at a time and do some things to distract yourself / channel your energy too

still going to the gym?

We're here for whatever you need...

if you want to share, we'll listen...

if you want to change the subject, I can post my budget (gulp)...