Big wedding when you're already married

[973beachbum]

I know one couple that did something like this. They had been planning on getting married and even had things like the place and caterer set and given a deposit. The bride ended up with visa trouble and was going to be told she had to go back to the country she was born in till it was fixed. Their laywer said that they could fix it but it would take a while and cost more than a few hundred bucks, but that if they go married right away it would be fixed easy peasy.

They decided to have a civil ceromony at the court house right away with maybe a night at the Comfort Inn. Later, on the date wedding had been planned they had a party. They didn't have another ceromony just a big party that they had originally planned to be their reception. Everyone knew they were married and why it had happened. I am pretty sure everyone still brought gifts also.

Just to add though, the bride and groom were paying for everything anyway.

[hoops902]

"If everyone knew I was married, then I wouldn't have bothered to do a big wedding, because it really does come off a big present grab occassion & I look like crazy/selfish bitch-lady. "

I'm not sure "if everyone knew the truth I'd look like a horrible person" is a good reason not to tell people the truth lol.

I'm someone who doesn't see much point to a big wedding anyways. But I can't say going to my wife's cousin's wedding next month is in any way diminished because they're married. I just don't see a point to it either way. I'd probably be more willing to skip it if something else was happening at the same time. It's no longer a real wedding, it's basically a party and gathering...which is still fun, but not the same level of importance.

[Firebird]

If everyone knew I was married, then I wouldn't have bothered to do a big wedding, because it really does come off a big present grab occassion & I look like crazy/selfish bitch-lady.

In your case, Angel, I can sort of understand why you needed to do the legal ceremony first (you needed benefits and couldn't get them if you weren't married). That's reasonable. The part I don't understand is why you wouldn't tell people. Most people would understand that, I think, and still want to celebrate your wedding. And if they didn't want to come because you were already married, well, how much did you want them there in the first place?

[HoneyBBQ]

Apr 23, 2012 12:16:57 GMT -5 swamp said:

Apr 23, 2012 12:11:45 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

I guess there's a first for everything... I agree with Archie.

For me, a wedding is between my spouse and no one else. Having a party to celebrate my wedding could occur at any time IMO.

I don't see a problem at all with eloping and then having a big party at a later date to celebrate the wedding. I have a big problem with lying to the persons paying for the party that you really aren't married yet.

That's true. I would never lie about anything like that. Then again, I would never have anyone pay for my wedding/reception/party but me!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If everyone knew I was married, then I wouldn't have bothered to do a big wedding, because it really does come off a big present grab occassion & I look like crazy/selfish bitch-lady.

I don't think so. I think that makes you honest and if people want to come celebrate then that's awesome.

In the case of Firebird's couple they are deliberately lying because they know their parents want them to wait.

I can't read minds but I am going to assume the parents have a reason for wanting them to wait.

My logic is the parents are paying as a reward for them waiting.

They didn't and are now lying so they can keep up the appearance of being the "good child" and get their parents money.

[Deleted]

Why not just plan a big reception/celebration instead of a wedding. I don't really care what people do, but I don't see the point of a big wedding if you're already married. I do see the point of having a reception to celebrate with your friends and family that weren't there when you actually got married.

[Firebird]

The couple has to make it a yer and have already blabbed to several people. It isn't a secret anymore once everyone knows about it. I am betting someone spills the beans to the parents before they make to their wedding date. Then there will be one heck of a shit storm.

That's what I said!! It's not like this is a super close friend of DH's, and yet the groom told him. How many other people have they told? It's bound to leak

Do we know for certain that the parents don't know?

They definitely don't know. The groom said something about not wanting to spoil the big wedding for their parents, and how it would ruin it for them if they knew they were already married.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The groom said something about not wanting to spoil the big wedding for their parents, and how it would ruin it for them if they knew they were already married

I'm sure their parents will thank them for sparing their feelings.

[Firebird]

But I can't say going to my wife's cousin's wedding next month is in any way diminished because they're married. I just don't see a point to it either way.

Because you don't care about it either way, though, I'm not sure you can understand why this kind of thing would hurt people's feelings.

If you think weddings are silly and just an excuse to party with your friends, then I can see why you wouldn't care about whether it was wedding #1 or wedding #10. But when it DOES matter to you (and it would matter a lot to me if I were close to the couple), then it's very hurtful to find out that you weren't important enough to see the "real thing" but you were important enough to invite to the gift grab.

And honestly, that's probably how I would feel if I was close to this couple.

[Deleted]

God DAMN! How many of you posted at the same time?

As for the OP - I'd just sit back and wait for the inevitable shitstorm.

[Sum Dum Gai]

But if I were very close to the bride and groom (especially if I were, for example, one of the parents that was paying for the big wedding), I would be incredibly upset should I find out that the happy couple was already married and just wanted to have a huge party on our dime.

I guess. To a certain extent anybody who has a large wedding that the parents are helping to pay for just wants to have a huge party on somebody elses dime. We all know we can go to the JP and get married for $50. Legally you're just as married either way. I don't really see that big of a difference between staying unmarried until the big party, and doing the JP thing then having the big party.

Alright, time to go read past the OP.

[zibazinski]

I feel bad for the parents. What kind of children have they raised?

[Firebird]

To a certain extent anybody who has a large wedding that the parents are helping to pay for just wants to have a huge party on somebody elses dime.

But for a lot of parents, that "dime" is supposed to be going toward a ceremony that has meaning for them (watching their children get married and start a new life, blah blah) first, and a big party second.

In other words, I don't think many parents would be willing to throw a "We've been living together for ten years and we want to celebrate our commitment!" party for their children. Most parents (in my experience) are willing to shell out big money for a wedding, and ONLY for a wedding.

Perhaps our generation might feel differently because we tend to see marriage differently (e.g., less meaningful). But I think for most people who have one or two generations on us, the actual "wedding" is a huge part of the point.

[Firebird]

Does the fact that the big pretend wedding will be a religious ceremony change things for anyone?

[hoops902]

"Because you don't care about it either way, though, I'm not sure you can understand why this kind of thing would hurt people's feelings. "

I can understand WHY it would hurt people's feelings, because some people think things like this are important. But that was specifically in response to Angel's post about not telling them because if they knew then she wouldn't do it. If people think it's no big deal and still want to come, then great. I just don't think tricking people into thinking it is something it's not makes it any better. I'd rather know I was going to a party after they were already married than be tricked into thinking I was going to a fake wedding.


"then it's very hurtful to find out that you weren't important enough to see the "real thing" but you were important enough to invite to the gift grab. "

To use this example, whether they tell you or not, you still weren't good enough to see the real thing. I'd rather be told so I could choose whether to go to this new thing than be lied to about what I was actually attending.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 23, 2012 12:57:14 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

I know one couple that did something like this. They had been planning on getting married and even had things like the place and caterer set and given a deposit. The bride ended up with visa trouble and was going to be told she had to go back to the country she was born in till it was fixed. Their laywer said that they could fix it but it would take a while and cost more than a few hundred bucks, but that if they go married right away it would be fixed easy peasy.

They decided to have a civil ceromony at the court house right away with maybe a night at the Comfort Inn. Later, on the date wedding had been planned they had a party. They didn't have another ceromony just a big party that they had originally planned to be their reception. Everyone knew they were married and why it had happened. I am pretty sure everyone still brought gifts also.

Just to add though, the bride and groom were paying for everything anyway.

I know a couple with visa issues too. They ended up having 3 ceremonies. One "quickie" keep him in the states, one in his home country and one vow renewal/party on the originally chosen date. The out of the US party was apparently huge and the other 2 were pretty small (no extended family and just a few close friends type thing.) I don't think anyone kept it a secret because my friend's Mom was doing everything she could to keep him here and if she thought you'd have a contact with Immigration, she'd contact you. If I recall correctly, once his employer found out he was engaged, they stopped doing their end of the green card paperwork.

[Angel!]

Apr 23, 2012 12:57:32 GMT -5 Firebird said:

If everyone knew I was married, then I wouldn't have bothered to do a big wedding, because it really does come off a big present grab occassion & I look like crazy/selfish bitch-lady.

In your case, Angel, I can sort of understand why you needed to do the legal ceremony first (you needed benefits and couldn't get them if you weren't married). That's reasonable. The part I don't understand is why you wouldn't tell people. Most people would understand that, I think, and still want to celebrate your wedding. And if they didn't want to come because you were already married, well, how much did you want them there in the first place?

I didn't tell people because to me we weren't really married. I still feel like we were never really married because all we ever did was sign a piece of paper & turn it in to the county.

I guess to me being married means you had some event & told everyone. We never celebrated it or shared it with anyone, so to me it felt like a legal marriage only.

If I had shared it, then it would have felt like a real marriage & then it would have felt stupid doing a real wedding ceremony later & then I never would have gotten a nice wedding & gotten to be a bride & I would have regreted that.

Maybe it was just my weird/denial way of looking at things, but that's what it was. Made it easier to split later though because no one really knew we were married, so it was more just like ending a long time relationship.

[CarolinaKat]

Apr 23, 2012 13:10:44 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Does the fact that the big pretend wedding will be a religious ceremony change things for anyone?

It does to me, but this is MINOR compared to the lying part. If they were being honest it would make much more of a difference.

Being married in your faith is a big deal to some people and they want to be married in the eyes of their church. This is DIFFERENT that legally married, although usually both happen at the same-ish time.

I agree with whoever said get the government out of marriage. Let them having unions/partnerships/whatever that qualify for legal protections but SEVER this from a religous ceremony. Let any two adults of sound mind get married and access the legal protections if they wish. If the church wants to impose rules on what they see as a 'fitting marriage' let them. If they want to let some guy marry his ferret, let him. Although this means the poor ferret won't qualify for the spousal SS benefit

[Sum Dum Gai]

Does the fact that the big pretend wedding will be a religious ceremony change things for anyone?

It's not a pretend wedding. The purpose of the big wedding ceremony, other than getting a bunch of free crap from your friends and family, is to give them a chance to celebrate your relationship with you. This wedding still qualifies as that chance for their friends and family. If the point is just to get legally married, everyone should do that at the JP, and anyone who has a wedding party is doing it just to party on somebody elses dime and get presents.

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2012 13:10:44 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Does the fact that the big pretend wedding will be a religious ceremony change things for anyone?

God/Allah/Buddha/Ganesh/etc. already knows they sinned, so whatevs.

[thyme4change]

My best friend and her husband got drunk with another couple 6 months before her wedding. They hopped on a plane, flew to Vegas and got married by Elvis. 6 months later, I stood there as her maid of honor. She remembers her wedding day as the day in the church. I was hurt that I wasn't included.

[Sum Dum Gai]

For me personally, I was married in my mind, and eyes of god if he exists, when I told Loop that she was stuck with me for life. That happened before our actual wedding day. I guess I tricked everyone into attending a fake wedding. Legally our marriage happened after the ceremony when the minister signed our marriage certificate, and the only people present were Loop, myself, our two witnesses, and said minister (who also happened to be her dad). None of our other wedding guests witnessed it. We tricked everyone twice!!! Take that suckas.

[Angel!]

Apr 23, 2012 13:21:14 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I was hurt that I wasn't included.

Another reason not to tell people. Why tell people something that you did, when you didn't do it to hurt their feelings & when you can't change the past?

Of course, if you are going to have a secret marriage, then you actually need to keep it a secret. It is when the secret gets out that feelings get hurt.

[thyme4change]

Another reason not to tell people. Why tell people something that you did, when you didn't do it to hurt their feelings & when you can't change the past?

True - she actually had no intention of telling me. I knew they had been out with this other couple, and they had made elopment jokes before, so when they weren't home the following morning, I guessed. I went over to her house and put a note on her counter that said "You cantelope" and also left a cantelope. She was so stunned that I had guessed, she didn't have time to lie to me.

[moneymaven]

Interesting thread - DH and I had a two back to back blizzards stop our wedding. We canceled everything but still got married over 5 years ago. We've been talking about having a "wedding" soon. One of my concerns was the general feeling of the invitees.

We had a large wedding planned to make our parents, ahem, actually MIL happy. Now that I am older and wiser (I hope), I absolutely would not do the same thing, nor would I be having the wedding to make others happy. We're actually thinking destination wedding, that's sure to shore up the guest list in no time.

[Deleted]

I went through this last year. Spent money to join my friend in Las Vegas for his marriage and then 6 months later spent money to fly to Chicago to be in his "real" fake marriage. He was married once before and she had a kid out of marriage, so I don't get the need to sneak around about it.

[raeoflyte]

I really don't know how I feel, as dh and I did it all backwards.

We were married as far as we were concerned, but several years in I realized that my family would never understand that until we had the appropriate ritual. So we had a small ceremony on our 8th anniversary. I had never thought much of weddings, but there was something very powerful about having our families with us to celebrate our marriage. I'll never forget how important that was, and even if my grandparents weren't thrilled about it--they were there to love and support me.

We did the legal piece 4 years later just weeks before ds was born because it was way cheaper than hiring a lawyer to make sure that dh had all the legal rights and responsibilities for our son.

So....I guess the lying part to their parents is still the problem that they are going to have to deal with. As a friend/guest I wouldn't have a problem with it since I do think there is a difference between the spiritual/family/legal part of marriage. But it seems pretty silly to keep it a secret--and especially keep it a secret so badly.

[Firebird]

I guess to me being married means you had some of event & told everyone. We never celebrated it or shared it with anyone, so to me it felt like a legal marriage only.

I can understand your dilemma if you felt like that. I guess my solution would have been to have as much of an event I could plan in the time I had. My aunt and uncle threw together a very nice wedding on two weeks notice, with a ton of help from family.

Not telling anyone would have simply felt deceptive to me.

[Firebird]

It's not a pretend wedding. The purpose of the big wedding ceremony, other than getting a bunch of free crap from your friends and family, is to give them a chance to celebrate your relationship with you.

I still disagree with this. If the point is to "celebrate the relationship," then there should be nothing wrong with telling people that you're married and you want to hold a reception so everyone can celebrate with you.

Or in the alternative, have a "five year anniversary" party that people can attend. If the couple's couplehood is all that matters, then it shouldn't make any difference if they're getting married or not.

Except it does. Like it or not, people treat weddings differently than they treat receptions and anniversary parties. So to call one thing something else, IMO, is deceptive no matter why you're doing it.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Not telling anyone would have simply felt deceptive to me.

Serious question for those of you who keep mentioning the fake or deceptive thing; do you attend weddings to witness a bride and groom (which traditionally meant they were both virgins) get married, or are you there to celebrate the relationship of the couple in question?

I always viewed it as the latter, so I don't really care that they've been shacking up in the mean time, already eloped, or whatnot. That doesn't make their relationship, that they wish to celebrate with family and friends, any less valid. To me anyway.