Big wedding when you're already married

[swamp]

Apr 23, 2012 12:11:45 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

Apr 23, 2012 11:24:33 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

If the couple is pretending to not be married that is weird.

I have no problem with a couple getting married and then having a large wedding reception at some other date.

I guess there's a first for everything... I agree with Archie.

For me, a wedding is between my spouse and no one else. Having a party to celebrate my wedding could occur at any time IMO.

I don't see a problem at all with eloping and then having a big party at a later date to celebrate the wedding. I have a big problem with lying to the persons paying for the party that you really aren't married yet.

[Deleted]

Do you know WHY they wanted to be married earlier ? Did one of them need health insurance? Were they 'waiting' and didn't want to wait any longer? ...

Scenario... I've been having recurring stomach pains. I have no insurance. We're getting married anyway. If we go to the JP now, I can get on your insurance. Its really just a clerical adjustment... but my mom REALLY wants to see me walk down the aisle, and has already paid out a bit to do so... isn't going to the JP now and having the actually wedding ceremony later, an acceptable option ?

[swamp]

Apr 23, 2012 12:21:22 GMT -5 oped said:

Do you know WHY they wanted to be married earlier ? Did one of them need health insurance? Were they 'waiting' and didn't want to wait any longer? ...

Scenario... I've been having recurring stomach pains. I have no insurance. We're getting married anyway. If we go to the JP now, I can get on your insurance. Its really just a clerical adjustment... but my mom REALLY wants to see me walk down the aisle, and has already paid out a bit to do so... isn't going to the JP now and having the actually wedding ceremony later, an acceptable option ?

If your mom agreed to pay for a big fancy wedding, it's fine if you tell your mom what's going on. If you do it on the QT and don't tell her so she keeps paying for the big wedding, it's wrong.

[Angel!]

I don't see the big deal. They did a legal marriage & are planning their celebration/spiritual marriage in front of family & friends.

Maybe it doesn't bother me because I did the same thing minus the big wedding because we divorced before we ever got to the big wedding. We did it because he was military & if I was going to quit my job & move across country at the very least I needed access to health insurance & it worked out better being married with the military. He didn't want the big wedding yet & I wanted to do common law, but he thought that would be too much work. So we just settled on marrying ourselves & telling no one.

[The J]

Apr 23, 2012 12:16:57 GMT -5 swamp said:

Apr 23, 2012 12:11:45 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

I guess there's a first for everything... I agree with Archie.

For me, a wedding is between my spouse and no one else. Having a party to celebrate my wedding could occur at any time IMO.

I don't see a problem at all with eloping and then having a big party at a later date to celebrate the wedding. I have a big problem with lying to the persons paying for the party that you really aren't married yet.

So it's ok if you pay for your own wedding?

[swamp]

Apr 23, 2012 12:24:07 GMT -5 The J said:

Apr 23, 2012 12:16:57 GMT -5 swamp said:

I don't see a problem at all with eloping and then having a big party at a later date to celebrate the wedding. I have a big problem with lying to the persons paying for the party that you really aren't married yet.

So it's ok if you pay for your own wedding?

It's not as slimy, but it's a little better. I have a problem with people being deceitful. Nothing wrong with getting married quiety and celebrating it later, but don't lie about it.

[happyhoix]

I don't think this would bother me that much. People live together now and then have a big wedding ceremony - I don't feel like they're lying when they walk down the aisle, since they've already slept together. I do think it's weird that they couldn't wait that one final month to get to the 'real' wedding. Is it possible they were both virgins and they didn't want to have their big consummation wedding night following a big giant party? Maybe they thought a quiet, stress free elopement wedding night would be more romantic, and they would enjoy the big wedding bash if this wasn't hanging over them? Cause really, that's all I got, otherwise this just seems weird.

What I do have a problem with are the people that hold off getting married because they want to save up to have a giant bash. There was a woman on that Bridzilla show a long time ago who was living with her BF and they had a kid together (she was about 7) - I think they'd been shacking up about 10 years - and her only reason for not getting married was that she had to save up enough dough to throw a really lavish party. So it's ok to live with a guy, to have a kid by the guy, to be, for all intents and purposes, a married couple, but don't throw the party because you have to have a giant bash?

I don't care if you want to co-habitate, but if you want to play married and have a kid, go ahead and get legally married, then throw yourself an enormous 10 year anniversary bash. You can wear a white dress if you want.

[swamp]

Apr 23, 2012 12:23:08 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I don't see the big deal. They did a legal marriage & are planning their celebration/spiritual marriage in front of family & friends.

Maybe it doesn't bother me because I did the same thing minus the big wedding because we divorced before we ever got to the big wedding. We did it because he was military & if I was going to quit my job & move across country at the very least I needed access to health insurance & it worked out better being married with the military. He didn't want the big wedding yet & I wanted to do common law, but he thought that would be too much work. So we just settled on marrying ourselves & telling no one.

I only think it's a big deal because they're lying to someone to get their wedding paid for.

[Works4me]

FB - any idea why they wanted to be married now?

I agree that the dishonesty is the issue.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If your mom agreed to pay for a big fancy wedding, it's fine if you tell your mom what's going on. If you do it on the QT and don't tell her so she keeps paying for the big wedding, it's wrong.



Especially in this case when Firebird posted the parents wanted them to wait. So not only did you go against their wishes you are now lying about it so you can continue to get the goodies.

I can't see that going over too well if someone leaks they are already married.

If you don't want to wait and your parents want you to, then own up and accept that they might take back their money.

I find it extremely childlish to do what you want and then lie about it to mommy and daddy.

[Deleted]

A wedding means different things to different people - maybe you are married when you tell your partner you are married, maybe you are married when you tell the government you are married, maybe you are married when you tell you family or your God that you are married. To each their own.

I can see a lot of reasons for accelerating plans for the government piece - most of them involve health insurance and other benefits.

And I don't have an issue with married people having a big party later - its not so very different from people who have been cohabitating for years getting married, from my persepective as a party guest.

But as the others have noted - the secrecy is weird.

[Angel!]

Apr 23, 2012 12:26:27 GMT -5 swamp said:

Apr 23, 2012 12:23:08 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I don't see the big deal. They did a legal marriage & are planning their celebration/spiritual marriage in front of family & friends.

Maybe it doesn't bother me because I did the same thing minus the big wedding because we divorced before we ever got to the big wedding. We did it because he was military & if I was going to quit my job & move across country at the very least I needed access to health insurance & it worked out better being married with the military. He didn't want the big wedding yet & I wanted to do common law, but he thought that would be too much work. So we just settled on marrying ourselves & telling no one.

I only think it's a big deal because they're lying to someone to get their wedding paid for.

But, if you are married & no one knows it, then does it really count? Yeah, LEGALLY you are married, but you aren't married in the sense that you present yourself as married to family & friends.

I guess this is one of the reasons I think govt. needs to get out of marriage completely.

[swamp]

Apr 23, 2012 12:34:13 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Apr 23, 2012 12:26:27 GMT -5 swamp said:

I only think it's a big deal because they're lying to someone to get their wedding paid for.

But, if you are married & no one knows it, then does it really count? Yeah, LEGALLY you are married, but you aren't married in the sense that you present yourself as married to family & friends.

I guess this is one of the reasons I think govt. needs to get out of marriage completely.

Whether or not you present yourself as married, you are and you are entitled to all the legal benefits granted to spouses. I don't really care what people call themselves, you don't lie to your mom to get your wedding paid for.

[zibazinski]

[hoops902]

"But, if you are married & no one knows it, then does it really count? Yeah, LEGALLY you are married, but you aren't married in the sense that you present yourself as married to family & friends.

I guess this is one of the reasons I think govt. needs to get out of marriage completely."

Of course it counts, because the person you are married to sure as hell thinks it counts I would suspect. Whether you present it to other people or not, I would expect that the 2 people involved sure think that they're actually "married". I agree that the government thing is complicating, but it's not as if the people getting married are walking around saying "well legally we're married, but we still consider ourselves single because we haven't told our friend yet". What the 2 people involved consider is more important than both the legality and the announcement to others.

[Firebird]

Did they ask for separate presents for both occasions ? ... Doesn't sound like it... sounds like they just want people to help them celebrate their union...

I'm pretty sure this is how they see it. But "help me celebrate my union" sounds an awful lot like "get me presents" to me (in this context).

I understand that for a lot of people a wedding ceremony is meaningless. But if that's how you feel about your OWN wedding then IMO there's no reason to lie about the fact that you're already married unless you just want to do a big present grab.

Also (this is just my personal opinion), I don't think that wedding parties are ONLY about the couple. If you want it to be ONLY about you, then elope and do it your way. But if you're going to do a big party that also serves as a happy occasion for your family to see each other, then I think you need to take them into account somewhat. It is not JUST "your" day anymore; it's a family celebration.

So I think it's a pretty jerky move to act like they're all congregating for a big wedding (ESPECIALLY if there are spiritual/religious implications to the wedding ceremony) when the actual marriage has already occurred. Because if you're doing the big party, it is not just about you.

[Firebird]

Do you know WHY they wanted to be married earlier ? Did one of them need health insurance? Were they 'waiting' and didn't want to wait any longer? ...

I don't believe there was any specific reason beyond the bride wanting to be married. I got the impression she just wanted him to "prove" his commitment to her and she didn't want to wait another year for it.

[Firebird]

I have a problem with people being deceitful. Nothing wrong with getting married quiety and celebrating it later, but don't lie about it.



This is how I feel. It's wrong to lie about something that may mean quite a bit to your family and friends even if it doesn't mean anything to you.

[swamp]

Apr 23, 2012 12:44:55 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Do you know WHY they wanted to be married earlier ? Did one of them need health insurance? Were they 'waiting' and didn't want to wait any longer? ...

I don't believe there was any specific reason beyond the bride wanting to be married. I got the impression she just wanted him to "prove" his commitment to her and she didn't want to wait another year for it.

And planning a wedding with her, living with her, being faithful to her wasn't enough proof?

[Deleted]

I don't see a problem at all with eloping and then having a big party at a later date to celebrate the wedding. I have a big problem with lying to the persons paying for the party that you really aren't married yet.

double

I also see trouble ahead for a couple that is deceptive, unwilling to wait to get married because they want a big party, and unwilling to skip the big party so they can get married today.

[hoops902]

Apr 23, 2012 12:44:55 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Do you know WHY they wanted to be married earlier ? Did one of them need health insurance? Were they 'waiting' and didn't want to wait any longer? ...

I don't believe there was any specific reason beyond the bride wanting to be married. I got the impression she just wanted him to "prove" his commitment to her and she didn't want to wait another year for it.

She probably knew planning a wedding was going to turn her into a bitch, and wanted to make it official before he had a chance to see that side of her.

[Firebird]

I do think it's weird that they couldn't wait that one final month to get to the 'real' wedding. Is it possible they were both virgins and they didn't want to have their big consummation wedding night following a big giant party?

It was decidedly NOT that, haha. They've been living together for a couple years now. And again, they eloped a month ago and their wedding is NEXT spring (still approximately a year away).

[Firebird]

She probably knew planning a wedding was going to turn her into a bitch, and wanted to make it official before he had a chance to see that side of her.

[swamp]

Apr 23, 2012 12:46:47 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Apr 23, 2012 12:44:55 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Do you know WHY they wanted to be married earlier ? Did one of them need health insurance? Were they 'waiting' and didn't want to wait any longer? ...

I don't believe there was any specific reason beyond the bride wanting to be married. I got the impression she just wanted him to "prove" his commitment to her and she didn't want to wait another year for it.

She probably knew planning a wedding was going to turn her into a bitch, and wanted to make it official before he had a chance to see that side of her.

With her reasoning for the early wedding and willingness to lie to have someone pay for their party, I think she was already there............

[Firebird]

If you don't want to wait and your parents want you to, then own up and accept that they might take back their money.

EXACTLY. I feel really bad for their parents who have no idea that they're paying for a fake first wedding. I'm not even sure I would come to the "wedding," let alone open my wallet, if I were one of the parents footing the bill and I found out about this crap.

[Deleted]

Not to mention that most people at the wedding will know the couple is already married. How humiliating for the parents to be the ones out of the loop as everyone parties on their dime. Most parents feel it's a pretty special day when their child gets married.

[Firebird]

But, if you are married & no one knows it, then does it really count? Yeah, LEGALLY you are married, but you aren't married in the sense that you present yourself as married to family & friends.

My point is that if you are married, people SHOULD know. Own up to it, even if the idea that you eloped might upset your folks or your friends. Be a big boy/girl and take responsibility for your decision.

If this makes a difference to anyone, the wedding is going to be a religious ceremony. So the "marriage" actually beginning at the wedding is at least a little big meaningful to some of the people in attendance. In my experience, attending a religious wedding is about witnessing the start of a marriage union. It is NOT just a legal ceremony/big party, especially if you happen to be a member of the religion.

[Angel!]

Apr 23, 2012 12:43:13 GMT -5 Firebird said:

I understand that for a lot of people a wedding ceremony is meaningless. But if that's how you feel about your OWN wedding then IMO there's no reason to lie about the fact that you're already married unless you just want to do a big present grab.

We didn't tell anyone because we still wanted a big (relatively speaking, actually only like 50 people) meaningful wedding to celebrate the occassion with family and friends. It wasn't to get a lot of presents, but because the occassion would seem less meaningful if people already knew we were already married. But, it appears I was right on that count since it appears many here figure if you are already married, then there is no point in doing the wedding.

If everyone knew I was married, then I wouldn't have bothered to do a big wedding, because it really does come off a big present grab occassion & I look like crazy/selfish bitch-lady.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The couple has to make it a yer and have already blabbed to several people. It isn't a secret anymore once everyone knows about it. I am betting someone spills the beans to the parents before they make to their wedding date. Then there will be one heck of a shit storm.

[Deleted]

Do we know for certain that the parents don't know? Maybe the parents don't think it counts as married unless it happens in a church and have asked the kids to keep it quiet until they do things properly? Perhaps mom and dad know, but don't want to tell Grandma or their friends or something?