Thank you all.

[bean29]

Hi Beth. Glad things are going well. Enjoyed your museum story. Did you go to the Pirates thing too? Sorry about DBIL. We have those too in our family. You got things more together than me. My shopping is not started. Tree is not up and I have been burried in training materials. I am done early next week and will manage a day off .

Sent from my MB855 using proboards

[Wisconsin Beth]

No, we're doing the Pirates thing later on, probably Jan. or Feb. I'm really looking forward to it but I'm hoping to manage to avoid crowds when we do go.

I'm staring at a lit Christmas tree. It has 4 ornaments on it. Keira made some on Friday at school and when she came home, we hung them plus her St. Nick ornament (Sleeping Beauty's castle.) Maybe tomorrow during the Packer game. Go Packers! Thank God Clay Matthews is back, we need the pass rush.

OK, long ramble coming up. May involve venting and large amounts of backstory...
On Friday, DH called me to say MIL had taken FIL to hospital for large amounts blood in his urine. Apparently he'd had smaller amounts but ignored/wasn't concerned about it. They spent 3 hrs. in the waiting room before being seen. MIL called DH to give him a head's up, which he passed on to me, but he didn't want to go to the hospital because "MIL would think I was worried" Um, OK. Eventually he was seen and admitted. Stayed overnight. Saw a urologist. FIL has a fist sized mass on or in (I'm not sure which) his bladder. Urologist has a procedure that is probably TMI but involves scrapping/cutting the mass. Apparently he's done in the past but never on a mass this large. Which I'm apparently the only one this concerns. They will biopsy it. They can't do this now because FIL has asprin in his system and that's a problem. Beats me why. So next Wed. or Thursday he'll under go this. And they don't know how long the surgery/scrapping thing will last, because the smaller masses usually take about 30-45 minutes.

FIL was given 3 things that could have caused the mass. MIL could only remember the 3rd one, which is cancer. I have no clue what the other 2 are and no one else seems to know either. DH and I visited FIL in the hospital today but we had overstimulated, overtired and oversugared kids. You can imagine how welll this worked. I took the kids for walks so DH could talk to his dad. Apparently nothing new was learned from FIL by DH.

We're scared it's cancer. And we're scared that FIL will die. DH and I talked a bit last night about the situation and kinda talked obliquely about what happens if/when FIL dies. I'm not sure MIL can afford to stay in their house on 1 SS check. They don't have much in the way of retirement savings and I don't think she'd do well in a retirement community. And I don't think she can live by herself. Which, God help us, means we could end up having her live with us. Which would likely involve me starting up sessions with Liz again. My MIL is a perfectly nice lady. But she drives me nuts in close quarters beyond 4 days or so (we've vacationed with them, sometimes at their request, sometimes ours.) Please God, it won't come to that. She's a boarderline hoarder, untidier than DH or me, tells the same story repeatedly every time someone new walks in the room and cannot sit with someone without talking. So when I'm reading, she comes along and talks at me. Which means I end up putting my book down and/or moving (and she's followed me to my new reading location....) She would probably take over cooking though. She's a really good cook, most of the time. She has a wierd fondness for making cheesecakes for parties (really heavy ones) and undercooking chicken (well, that's an accident but it's happened several times, so I'm cautious now.)

Oh dear God, I almost lost this post. Stupid laptop. I do NOT want to have to retype it so I'm going to post now.

[Wisconsin Beth]

And the kids did not want to go to bed tonight. So I'm going to have overtired and overstimulated kids again tomorrow. And DH's church is doing a Christmas thing and his niece has a solo. I loathe kid programs. Cabe's got one Thursday night, which we will dutifully attend. Since he's been singing Jingle Bells alot, I'm guessing that his group's song.

[seriousthistime]

Beth, I have several friends whose fathers have had bladder cancer and they came through it (surgery and treatment) just fine. Wait and see what the doctors say. Don't borrow trouble. It may not be malignant anyway.

They are probably postponing the biopsy because aspirin thins your blood and makes you bleed more. He is already bleeding a good bit if he has blood in his urine. They probably want him to clear the aspirin out of his system before they start taking snippets of his bladder. That's the reason why they tell you not to take aspirin for a week or two before any scheduled surgery.

I'm not a medical professional but have years of being a patient and have picked up a fair amount of knowledge from that.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yep, that's exactly why they're waiting.
*-*-*-*-
And I'm posting this now but may remove it later. It's from my BIL's wife. I've removed names and my response to her is on the end. Any thoughts?

Hey, It's me

I am in sooo much trouble. BIL is not talking to me because I told you he wasn't taking his meds. He is even planning on sleeping in the basement! He took his sleep apnea machine down there and everything He says he doesn't trust me anymore. I have nobody to talk to! He is screaming and yelling all day. There is no peace and quiet in this house anymore. I am going insane and don't know what to do. Now I have to stop talking to you because he threatened me. I am so lost. Please don't tell ANYONE I told anything to you about this. I am in enough trouble already. I have to figure out how to address this. Christmas is the last thing on my mind right now. Just so you know. My family is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

My response:

Are you still seeing your therapist? You need to. Bring this to his/her attention NOW.

And FUCK him. You have every right to talk to anyone you want to, about any subject that's bugging you. You deserve respect and consideration from him. That's basic and every human being is supposed to have that, esp. from their partner.

I'm here BIL's wife. And I'm not going anywhere.

Are you and DN ok?

*-*-*-
And I forwarded my answer and her email to DH with just FYI.

[Wisconsin Beth]

This is the family members that are diabetic, depressed and have assorted issues.

[seriousthistime]

Ugh, just ugh. Do you think that SIL and DN are okay staying in the same house with him?

[swamp]

Dec 17, 2012 8:34:36 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Yep, that's exactly why they're waiting.
*-*-*-*-
And I'm posting this now but may remove it later. It's from my BIL's wife. I've removed names and my response to her is on the end. Any thoughts?

Hey, It's me

I am in sooo much trouble. BIL is not talking to me because I told you he wasn't taking his meds. He is even planning on sleeping in the basement! He took his sleep apnea machine down there and everything He says he doesn't trust me anymore. I have nobody to talk to! He is screaming and yelling all day. There is no peace and quiet in this house anymore. I am going insane and don't know what to do. Now I have to stop talking to you because he threatened me. I am so lost. Please don't tell ANYONE I told anything to you about this. I am in enough trouble already. I have to figure out how to address this. Christmas is the last thing on my mind right now. Just so you know. My family is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

My response:

Are you still seeing your therapist? You need to. Bring this to his/her attention NOW.

And FUCK him. You have every right to talk to anyone you want to, about any subject that's bugging you. You deserve respect and consideration from him. That's basic and every human being is supposed to have that, esp. from their partner.

I'm here BIL's wife. And I'm not going anywhere.

Are you and DN ok?

*-*-*-
And I forwarded my answer and her email to DH with just FYI.

I think what you said is perfect.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I think so. She emailed me last night and I replied this morning. I'm keeping an eye on my email. She teaches and I think she's at work today.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I almost recommended Boundaries and Gift of Fear...

[swamp]

I recommend she put his sleep apnea machine out in the garage with the rest of his belongings.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dec 17, 2012 9:18:34 GMT -5 swamp said:

I recommend she put his sleep apnea machine out in the garage with the rest of his belongings.

Funny you should say that Swamp, he's asking for a propane heater for the garage (detached) for Christmas but she doesn't quite trust him to not burn the garage down...

[taz157]

beth - I think what you said is perfect too.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yeah, I thought about that too.

And the reindeer makes me smile too. One of the things on DH's Honey do list is to bring up the boxes of ornaments for the Christmas tree. Because it will be fun to have the kids help decorate the tree. We'll try to avoid the breakables, been there, done that, but if we lose a few, well, the fun outweighs it. ;D

How are you doing? And how's the dog?

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dec 17, 2012 11:16:30 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Last week we were informed she at the Baby Jesus out of their nativity scene.

So you need to keep her entertained!

[giramomma]

Beth-
If you want to help, you also might consider putting a list of resources together for your SIL. For some reason, I can think non-emotionally in the time of crisis. Most people can't. Maybe you can start researching women's shelters, abuse hotlines, things of that nature, and get that info to your SIL. Perhaps you can assemble a list of things your SIL may need to keep at your house, in terms of paperwork (copies of tax returns, birth/marriage certificates, SS cards, etc). Maybe even suggest a list of things to have packed in her car, just in case. Can you offer to do things like hold cash for your SIL? Are you and DH in a position where you can give her a one time gift, should she need it? If so, perhaps you can communicate that to her? I just wouldn't take any chances that the abuse won't escalate..

Ultimately, it's going to be her choice as to whether or not does something about the situation. But, you doing some of the basic leg work for her may help her more than just being a sounding point, especially if she herself is depressed or otherwise may be not able to act quickly.

We went to see the pirate exhibit when was at the Field Museum. I got to touch real pirate booty. Sadly, though, it was not attached to Johnny Depp, but I still found it to be a very cool experience.

[Wisconsin Beth]

That's a really good idea gira. I'll talk to her. I was going to take her out for coffee/lunch over the holidays even before this happened.

Bummer on not being Johnny Depp's booty. ;D

[Wisconsin Beth]

I forwarded BIL's wife email, with my response to DH. Since my response was on top, he read that first and his first comment was "you said F him?!" but after he got though everything, he agreed that was a reasonable response.

He's also pretty much in agreement that a. we gear up for Christmas at our house anyway, b. I do what I can/want with regards to her and c. since she asked me not to tell, he's going to play ignorant of the situation.

*-*-*-
She did write back last night. Her therapist is out of the office and she's got no one to talk to. And DN is acting out again. I offered to meet her for coffee/dinner. I think she works until Friday.

[Wisconsin Beth]

So maybe this is how gun control changes in the US.

"Dick’s Sporting Goods suspends sales of modern rifles, takes guns off display at Conn. store" if it starts with the stores/corporate/people. "

A statement posted on Dick’s corporate website expresses sympathy for the victims’ families. It says sales of modern sporting rifles will be suspended during “this time of national mourning.”

It’s not clear how long the suspension will last. A spokesman for Dick’s did not immediately return a call for comment on Tuesday."

Sort of like how companies are dealing with BPA.

[Wisconsin Beth]

God doesn't give us more than we can handle. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

It's hell week at work, Scott's got either the flu or a nastier version of my sinus infection so he's down for the count right now. The kids don't understand what's going on and why Mommy's not around much (hell week at work) and FIL has his procedure tonight. Tomorrow night is Cabe's Christmas thing and I have not had an update from SIL in the past 24 hours, so I'm worried but can't do anything about it right now.

I posted some of this on EE but I'm damn well claiming some of the overtime I'm going to be getting for this week to splurge on me. I spent over 5 hours on conference calls yesterday with my vendor. Apparently we have a unique problem that no one's ever seen before. Thanks, I think. I'm putting in overtime tonight and probably going to have to come back in once the kids are down for the night. I'm definitely coming in on Sat. to do stuff and probably will be in on friday night too. I can't on Thursday night due to Cabe's program. I'm not missing that.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My FIL's procedure went well today. They said they'll know next week but the doctor was positive it was cancer. And that he got it all. It was a smaller mass than thought. The doctor is going to want to see FIL in 3 months but doesn't think chemo or any kind of treatment is necessary.

And DH is feeling better. He definitely sounds much better, that's for sure.

[taz157]

Dec 19, 2012 22:11:28 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

That sounds like encouraging news about your FIL.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yeah it is.

And I just got a puppy fix. A coworker brought in her mastiff. Skinny one. I'm used to fat/chunky/furry Mastiffs. But that made coming in tonight worth it.

[skubikky]

Dec 19, 2012 22:44:54 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Yeah it is.

And I just got a puppy fix. A coworker brought in her mastiff. Skinny one. I'm used to fat/chunky/furry Mastiffs. But that made coming in tonight worth it.

That is awesome. Isn't it amazing how much comfort you can get from cuddling a cat or a dog.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dec 20, 2012 8:01:02 GMT -5 skubikky said:

Dec 19, 2012 22:44:54 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Yeah it is.

And I just got a puppy fix. A coworker brought in her mastiff. Skinny one. I'm used to fat/chunky/furry Mastiffs. But that made coming in tonight worth it.

That is awesome. Isn't it amazing how much comfort you can get from cuddling a cat or a dog.

It really is. And this "puppy" is already taller than the tabletop by a head! Her chin was about level with it. Her owner agreed when I said she's got about 70 lbs to put on. I'm used to big, furry, fat Mastiffs. ;D And she's got a REALLY short coat.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I had a moment last night. My brain was racing (too much caffeine yesterday) and I couldn't sleep. BIL has health issues and isn't really managing them. While DH's focus on his own health is kind of annoying and I do think he uses his research as a shield somedays, he IS doing is his best to manage his health and keep the costs down. He's trying to figure out cause and effect and make changes. As opposed to his brother. So I'm going to tell him that tonight.

[Wisconsin Beth]

We had a good Christmas. DH bought me a Kindle Fire, said I deserved it. I'm not so sure of that but I'm not turning down my Kindle. Kids are overstimulated and overtired. We do my family Christmas on Sunday. It will be loud and full of chaos but it's fun.

My FIL didn't make any of the Christmas stuff though. He's got a sprained/swollen ankle and I guess is having problems moving. So he's been staying in his recliner. He finally got up yesterday and started moving around, after we ganged up on MIL and told her that he needs to be moving, even if it hurts.

BIL behaved like nothing had happened. SIL wants to go out for coffee today. If I can get a shower in and get someone to watch the kids, I will.

DH got a VERY nice bonus too. I get to deposit it today, along with 2 other checks. And mail the tax bill for the vacation land. So I guess I need to go shower while the kids are parked in front of the TV.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I had lunch with BIL's wife yesterday. We talked a bit about stuff, not much about her home life. It was nice. My Mom kept the kids for me. BIL's wife asked what I knew of how MIL and FIL handled disagreements. She said that HE said that all disagreements were swept under the rug. You'd go to bed angry and in the morning everything was fine. I told her that DH had told me about his dad locking himself in the garage and spending the night (or several) in there at least once. This was news to her.

Later on, she called and we talked briefly. I got to recommend Boundaries and Gift of Fear. She couldn't find GoF so I told her I'd hunt it down. I also encouraged her to get DN to read them too. Both DN and BIL's wife are afraid to talk at home. They were texting to each other, she said. So he wouldn't hear. I reminded her that she needs to protect DN. The kid is going on 13. And neither of them should have to walk on eggshells in their own home. There's being careful what/how you say something and then there's eggshells. I've done both, there's a difference. If I had to explain it, I'd say one is taking care of the relationship by not deliberately saying something vicious/malicious. The other is being verbally abused and trying not to set up the shitstorm by never saying ANYTHING controversial, which is 99.89% of what comes out of your mouth. She also mentioned that she'd told him how miserable the mall was (we drove past it twice, yuck.) and she didn't want to go after Christmas shopping. And while she was making dinner, BIL moved her car (to get his out) and stomped off to the mall because he "waited all day to go" This was NOT the order of the conversation, by the way.

She also said that her therapist thinks she'll be back in a couple of weeks. And she does have her home #. And she said something about feeling like she's dumping on me all the time. I told her it was ok, I was in a place where I can handle it (said as DH was trying to keep the kids from coming downstairs so I could talk to her. I'd bribed them with ice cream and they wanted it NOW.)

The kids love my Kindle too. They find it so much easier to play Angry Birds on it. I suspect DH will too, once he gets on it. I have rules for the Kindle. No eating while using it. And I'm going to lock it down. Not because I have stuff I don't want DH to not see but because I don't want the kids doing anything to it.

FIL got the biopsy results. It was a low level/stage cancer, confined to the bladder walls? and they feel they got it all.

The kids are at MIL's house today. They get Keira tomorrow too. But Cabe's going to dcp tomorrow. And DH is scheduled to pick them up today and tomorrow, so I'll have a bit of me time between me getting out of work and them all getting home.

Edited to fix a pronoun.

[giramomma]

Beth-
Another suggestion would be to make yourself available to role play so that BIL's wife can practice stating boundaries before she gets in the heat of the moment. If not you, she should be doing this with her therapist.

I know, personally, I botched up boundary delivery, and it caused lots more issues.

BIL's wife should also have a plan of what to do when the delivery of boundaries aren't taken well.

I was "punished" with extra verbal/emotional' abuse combined with the silent treatment when I followed through with my boundaries. IMVHO, for me, the punishment has been much worse than the behavior that caused me to make/enforce my boundaries.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yeah, that's a good idea. And I need to read the books I recommended to her too. I did tell her they are often recommended on both the board and by Carolyn Hax and that I hadn't read them yet.

I did tell her how I remembered feeling/the imagery when I was in an abusive relationship. He never hit me but he did a lot of damage.