Jokes

[toomuchreality]

 


 



This one is me, and I don't like it, at all! 
I get so tired, of being tired. Ugh.

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

 

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

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[sesfw]

What did the snail say riding on a turtle?

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wait for it

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WHEEEEEEEEEE

[toomuchreality]

Jul 13, 2014 16:33:12 GMT -5 sesfw said:

What did the snail say riding on a turtle?

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wait for it

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WHEEEEEEEEEE

<groan> 

[toomuchreality]

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

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[NoNamePerson]

 to the last two. They actually had me LOL!!!

[tigerpause]

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumbass, it's me!"

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists? They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a four-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? This Goes In Front.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

What do you call a blonde with her black motorcycle jacket on? A rebel without a clue.

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

Happy Friday!

[NoNamePerson]

   

[NoNamePerson]

SENIOR TRYING TO SET A PASSWORD


WINDOWS:

Please enter your new password.


USER:

cabbage


WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.


USER:

boiled cabbage


WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.


USER:

1 boiled cabbage


WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.


USER:

50bloodyboiledcabbages


WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.


USER:

50BLOODYboiledcabbages


WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.


USER:

50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!


WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.


USER:

ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow


WINDOWS:

Sorry, that password is already in use











a

[ken a.k.a OMK]

  

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[tigerpause]

Here are the responses from great scientists and philosophers when invited to an international conference:

* Newton said he'd DROP in.
* Descartes said he'd THINK about it.
* Ohm RESISTED the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much PRESSURE.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what EVOLVED.
* Pierre and Marie Curie RADIATED enthusiasm.
* Volta was ELECTRIFIED at the prospect
* Ampere was worried he wasn't CURRENT.
* Edison thought it would be ILLUMINATING.
* Einstein said it would be RELATIVELY easy to attend.
* Archimedes was BUOYANT at the thought.
* Morse said, "I'll be there on the DOT. Can't stop now, must DASH."
* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater FREQUENCY in the future.
* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off STEAM.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a FLIGHT.

[tigerpause]

Good for Nyukin'... 


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
___________________________________________

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since the wife had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.

"What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a two-piece or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a two-piece," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

[billisonboard]

Jul 30, 2014 0:21:17 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

...

He's still in intensive care.

Bill climbs on soapbox:

If this joke ended with "She's still in intensive care" would it be considered funny and appropriate to post or is it only violence against men that is okay?

Bill climbs off soapbox.

[toomuchreality]

Jul 30, 2014 5:47:21 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Jul 30, 2014 0:21:17 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

...

He's still in intensive care.

Bill climbs on soapbox:

If this joke ended with "She's still in intensive care" would it be considered funny and appropriate to post or is it only violence against men that is okay?

Bill climbs off soapbox.

huh?   I don't understand how that would make sense.

Iif you want to post a joke in which "she" ends up in intensive care, if I find it humorous, I'll give you a , if that is what you're asking.
You / it wouldn't be the first.

<tmr gently tries to coax Bill down >

[billisonboard]

Jul 30, 2014 7:26:41 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Jul 30, 2014 5:47:21 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Bill climbs on soapbox:

If this joke ended with "She's still in intensive care" would it be considered funny and appropriate to post or is it only violence against men that is okay?

Bill climbs off soapbox.

huh?   I don't understand how that would make sense.

Iif you want to post a joke in which "she" ends up in intensive care, if I find it humorous, I'll give you a , if that is what you're asking.
You / it wouldn't be the first.

<tmr gently tries to coax Bill down >

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.”No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

When she got home her husband asked if she had seen the remote. She pulled it out of her purse.

She's still in intensive care.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 30, 2014 8:54:21 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Jul 30, 2014 7:26:41 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

huh?   I don't understand how that would make sense.

Iif you want to post a joke in which "she" ends up in intensive care, if I find it humorous, I'll give you a , if that is what you're asking.
You / it wouldn't be the first.

<tmr gently tries to coax Bill down >

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.”No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

When she got home her husband asked if she had seen the remote. She pulled it out of her purse.

She's still in intensive care.

She must have been a blonde!!!