Jokes

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

For Iggy aka IG,Chocolate Lover,@beerwench,NancysSummerSip,Peace Of Mind and anyone I may have overlooked  

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Good one, NNP - I may have to take up Wine Yoga. <hic>

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

"Said No Man Ever!"

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[uncle23]

...

www.chonday.com/Videos/funny-mexican-guy-with-groucho-marx#.UfVbmBN44QQ.email

[NoNamePerson]

May 28, 2014 13:13:59 GMT -5 uncle23 said:

...

www.chonday.com/Videos/funny-mexican-guy-with-groucho-marx#.UfVbmBN44QQ.email

I'm old enough that I probably saw that show.  

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I'm old enough that I probably saw that show too - but I don't remember.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Posted by an Anonymous man on Craig's List"

Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my Dachshund, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!
So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her
re-homed!!

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I'm tired of being a responsible adult...

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[gambler]

A psychopath was walking down the street one day


when he noticed a donkey in his stable with a massive erection. The psycho walks up to the donkey, flicks out a large hunting knife, and cuts the donkey's cock clean off. The psychopath keeps walking, with the donkey's cock in his hand, when he sees that he is walking past a convent. So, just for the laughs, the psycho heaves the donkey's cock over the convent wall and runs away. At the same moment, inside the convent, the Mother Superior is walking down the convent patio, when suddenly the donkey's cock lands at her feet. The Mother Superior takes one look at the member, screams, and passes out. The other nuns immediately run to her aid and take her into the convent. They revive her, and she starts to weep uncontrollably.

- What happened, Mother? - asks a nun.

With a quivering voice and just enough energy to answer, the Mother Superior replies
- They've killed Father Matthew!

[NoNamePerson]

[arthurwalker]

Lolx ..That is so cute and wonder full.

[NoNamePerson]

Welcome to Jokes arthurwalker  Enjoy!!!!  

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Poor Mickey...

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

ACTUAL ANSWERS given on the classic game shows Family Feud and Family Fortunes game shows...


Q: What would be the ideal everyday temperature?
A: 98.6 degrees.

Q: Name a bad occupation if you don't like kids.
A: Mortician.

Q: Name an article of clothing that children always lose.
A: Pants.

Q: Name something that follows the word 'pork'.
A: Cupine.

Q: Name a yellow fruit.
A: Orange.

Q: Name something red.
A: My cardigan.

Q: Besides a bird, name something in a bird cage.
A: Hamster.

Q: Name something that dries up when it gets old.
A: George Burns.

Q: During what month does a woman begin to look pregnant?
A: September.

Q: Name a number you have to memorize.
A: 7.

Q: Name something you put on walls.
A: Roofs.

Q: Name a sport that has laps.
A: Baseball.

Q: Name a famous Arthur.
A: Shakespeare.

Q: Name a song with 'moon' in the title.
A: Blue Suede Moon.

Q: Name an occupation where you need a torch.
A: A burglar.

Q: Name a famous cowboy.
A: Buck Rogers.

Q: Name the most romantic-sounding musical instrument.
A: Drums.

Q: Name something you might accidentally leave on all night.
A: Your shoes.

Q: Name something in the garden that's green.
A: Shed.

Q: Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine.
A: A bicycle with wings.

Q: Name something you feel before you buy it.
A: Excited.

Q: Name a popular TV soap.
A: Dove.

Q: Name something you make into a ball.
A: Eggs.

Q: Name something that comes after the word 'double'.
A: U.

Q: Name a part of the body people love to have massaged.
A: Hips.

Q: Name a way of toasting someone.
A: Over a fire.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

"Bless Me Father"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."