Jokes

[Jaguar]

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to laya bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! Wehad the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little sweethearts!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!




13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!




And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!




See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)

[uncle23]

.....







This is exactly the reason I am considering using a Chinese doctor for all my medical needs.


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Too True !!

[tigerpause]

You Know You're Getting Old When...


A 30-year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.

You no longer consider staying under the speed limit a challenge.

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

You know you're a grown-up because you groan every time you get up.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You turn out the light for economic reasons.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, and that bundle you've spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You're proud of your lawn mower.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You learn where your prostate is.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer questions with, "Because I said so!"

You know what the word "equity" means.

You're asleep, but others worry you're dead.

[toomuchreality]

[Peace Of Mind]

The Pastor's Ass:

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next race,
and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
“BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS”.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!

The Bishop fainted ….

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[toomuchreality]

May 8, 2014 22:40:45 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

I thought it said second hand VIRGIN!   

[NoNamePerson]

In keeping with ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ post:

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

Not a joke, but I had to share my Mother's Day Card. Can I say my son and I don't do mushy!!


MOM, What Can I Say?

You Gave Me Life.......



So, really...

You only have yourself to blame!

Happy Mother's Day

Love, D

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Who is Right? Men or Women??

A man sees his wife is busy in the kitchen and says: "Can I help?"
She says, "Sure, take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in a pot to boil."

No matter what men do, somehow, they still get yelled at...

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

ROFLMAO! Posted on my F/B Page Earlier Today..

[Deleted]

IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM, THIS IS A RIOT! Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I'm STILL laughing! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!

STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell fora quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito, please, to go.'
Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.'
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.'

The manager approaches me and says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'
Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?' Manager: 'Please, sir...’
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn’t it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and…
Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Let me see ’em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
At this point I'm ready to say, ’Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.'

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.

He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[Deleted]

May 15, 2014 14:44:06 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

I disagree... how can having a lucky number on a license plate qualify it as "worst ever"?

(I understand the issue with the letters, though)

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I think it's because many women turn into Satan during PMS.


(666 is the number of the "Beast" - or Satan)

[Deleted]

May 15, 2014 18:23:55 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

I think it's because many women turn into Satan during PMS.


(666 is the number of the "Beast" - or Satan)

"666" won the lottery for me one time on one of those "daily pick 3" lottery picks. I got a "quick pick" and it was "666"... and guess what the numbers were for that drawing... yup... "6", "6", "6".

I like "666"!

[NoNamePerson]

 @richardintn and ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ. I use the numbers 666 in lots of user names online and SL is right about the letters!!!

For years my phone number was 666-666# it was so easy to remember 

[toomuchreality]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Another Truism:

[toomuchreality]

May 16, 2014 18:20:54 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Another Truism:

   No,   But I have often wished they would! 

Whatever you do, do NOT read the instructions! I don't care that you have wasted the last 2 1/2 weeks, trying to figure it out. Absolutely do NOT read the instructions!  Lets' waste another 3 weeks, listening to you scream and holler. Can we?

In fact I don't know why they even bother including instructions. No one reads them anyway. Think how much money and how many trees could be saved, if they didn't include the darn instructions!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold up to 3 kg. The length of the penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when standing.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still measuring his thumb.

[Deleted]

May 17, 2014 15:24:35 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold up to 3 kg. The length of the penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when standing.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still measuring his thumb.

Wrong.

(I measured my thumb AFTER I read the whole thing ... and, for the record, that one isn't always true )

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Yes - in some cases, it's the same length.

[Deleted]

May 17, 2014 18:37:58 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Yes - in some cases, it's the same length.

And in others it's more than 3x...

[uncle23]

.....


I'm not telling but I agree it's wrong and you can take my word for it....