Jokes

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[tigerpause]

Good ones RichardInTN

I found some 'George Carlin-isms'~~~

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.

31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

37. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

40. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

[NoNamePerson]

GC is my all time favorite but I think I have said that before. Thanks @richardintn 

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[uncle23]

....




A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job...



The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"



He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."



"OK, Have you ever been in the military service?"



"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."



The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"



The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."



The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."



The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"



"This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that

[Jaguar]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ I have that one taped on my frig   

[Jaguar]

That is funny.

[NoNamePerson]

[CarolinaKat]

Apr 29, 2014 19:13:43 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

This is exactly why I have a babygate in my house where there are no human babies!

[tigerpause]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration."

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

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[mollyanna58]

What She Says:                            What She Means:
We need                                        I want
It's your decision                            The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want                          You'll pay for this later
We need to talk                              I need to complain
You're...so manly                           You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight!    Is sex all you ever think about?
This kitchen is so inconvenient        I want a new house
I want new curtains                        and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes                     the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there                    No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise                               I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?                             I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me?             I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute                  Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV 
Is my butt too big?                         Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate    Just agree with me
Yes                                                No
No                                                 No
Maybe                                            No
I'm sorry                                        You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe?                   It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it
I'm not yelling!                               Yes I'm yelling because I think it's important 

[Deleted]

[Deleted]

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful"?

"I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"


The pastor fainted.

[Peace Of Mind]

His will:


Mr. Durwood is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his

wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He says to them:


"Paul, I want you to take the Shaughnessy houses."

"Valerie, take the condos over in Coal Harbour and False Creek."

"Mike, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Mildred, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Point

Grey."


The nurse is just blown away by all this, and, as Mr.Durwood slips away,she

says, "Mrs. Durwood, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to

have accumulated all this property!"

Mildred replies, "Property? The asshole had a paper route!"

[NoNamePerson]

Peace Of Mind

[tigerpause]

A great place to raise a family...

[tigerpause]

It must be a very light house if that's the actual size...

[tigerpause]

The 4 languages: Arf, ruff, bark, and woof... 

[tigerpause]

They were asking a stiff price.