Jokes

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I soooo need a coffee mug like this !!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

TEN FUN FACTS

• 1 You can't use soap to wash your eyes.
• 2 You Cant Count your hair.
• 3 You can't breath through your nose with your tongue out.
• 4 You just tried No. 3.
• 6 When you tried No. 3, you realized it's possible, but you look like a dog.
• 7 You feel silly now, because you were fooled.
• 8 You skipped No. 5.
• 9 You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
• 10 You're going to try this test on someone else now.

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[toomuchreality]

  ← Make that two, they're small!

[toomuchreality]

Exercise for those over 50


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[NoNamePerson]

 Gonna try that this morning!!!!!

[toomuchreality]

Jan 28, 2014 8:02:58 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

 Gonna try that this morning!!!!!

I've already done mine for the day!  

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

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[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Love Jeff Dunham the ventriloquist & his "Walter" puppet. Google his videos some time for a good laugh - Theres' more than just "Walter" - he has several puppets:

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[Jaguar]

[Jaguar]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

So True....

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

Henny Youngman Quotes


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2'.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Last night my wife said the weather outside was fit for neither man nor beast, so we both stayed home.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a water bed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
In a blackout, a man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office." Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

For those of you freezing your butts off.

It could be worse.

[Deleted]

Aug 17, 2012 15:51:25 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

How to Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Drain the main vein.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I realize this is old (hey, I'm playing "catch up"... I started reading this thread from page ONE on Feb 3rd of this year!), but I just want to mention that I don't think men "make the woo-woo sound"... I think they do the eyebrow wiggle at her when she looks up at him with the "Really?!?!?" expression.

Other than that... it's pretty "spot on"!