Jokes

[toomuchreality]

Here's a helpful tip for winter:
If you call out for pizza enough times, you don't have to shovel your walk.
                                                                   -Maxine

[Deleted]

[Deleted]

[Deleted]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember.

The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt”

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

The Tax Auditor and the Rabbi

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.

[Deleted]

** Delete

[gambler]

Two Scandinavian young men


from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

[gambler]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor


of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff. The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor: "It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

[tigerpause]

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

[NoNamePerson]

Jan 20, 2014 6:53:08 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor: "It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

And he got out of the hospital and was able to walk in a month    And to add that I love Little Johnny Jokes too

[Deleted]

A small boy was lost at the shopping mall........
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa!"
The guard smiled and asked, "What's he like?"

The little guy hesitated for a moment and then said, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[tigerpause]

It must have been a 'pit' bull.

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

 

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[Jaguar]

Jan 23, 2014 18:41:25 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

That's scary, are they twins separated at birth ?

[toomuchreality]

Jan 23, 2014 19:02:18 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Jan 23, 2014 18:41:25 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

That's scary, are they twins separated at birth ?

[NoNamePerson]

Finally The Truth Comes Out:


You probably have been lying awake at night wondering just why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well, here is the low down on the whole thing ---

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can put your mind at rest!!