Jokes

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

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Poe was raven mad.

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[NoNamePerson]

March was when my son got an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My Dad's birthday was in November so I got him an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started......
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

iShould be out of the hospital by Thursday.

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[NoNamePerson]

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[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

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It's flooded again!

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Student History Bloopers
History Of The World According To Actual Student Exam Papers!

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.

5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'

9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "Hurray!"

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.

20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[NoNamePerson]

And how many vodka shooters did the author of the above have while composing this 

[Peace Of Mind]

In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in a recent psychological journal. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Your hands are dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Congressman you are holding underwater.

See? It worked. You're smiling. You feel better already

[Peace Of Mind]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel;
I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right.
The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,
confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered;
( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,
but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I can soooo see you doing just that.


<<ducks for cover ----- from flying shoes & wine bottles>>

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Nov 6, 2013 6:56:36 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

And how many vodka shooters did the author of the above have while composing this 

arthur~LOLLL
Arthur was the only vodka shooter, but it took him a few times to hit it. He was an Absolut mess.

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A woman goes to the doctor to get a face lift to remove her wrinkles. The doctor tells her he will implant a new device, a small knob she can twist when a wrinkle appears. Six months later she is back, complaining the knob no longer works and she shows the doctor the bags under her eyes.

"Those aren't bags, those are your boobs."

"Oh, I guess that explains the goatee."

[NoNamePerson]

 And a pox on the person who shot a perfectly good bottle of vodka !!!!!

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Nov 9, 2013 7:36:30 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

 And a pox on the person who shot a perfectly good bottle of vodka !!!!!

I guess it wasn't just the gun that was loaded!

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My neighbor's dog is so stupid their German Shepherd barks in Italian.

[NoNamePerson]

 You're on a roll - thanks for good morning laughs...

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Nov 9, 2013 7:44:09 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

 You're on a roll - thanks for good morning laughs...

I thought I was on my buns!

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

On a recent flight<br><br><br>an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.<br> "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."<br> <br>

[gambler]

A reporter is doing a story


on hillbillies. He comes to this run down shack in a remote area and is talking to the hillbilly on the front porch.

"I got me three sons," says the hillbilly, "one, he's in jail; one got put in the insane asyllum; and one's at Harvard."

"That's amazing," says the reporter, "one son in jail, one insane, and one at Harvard. What's he studying?"

"Oh, he ain't a studying there, they're a studying him."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]