Jokes

[NoNamePerson]

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[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them."

"Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

This is (with all due respect) posted for Virgil - and his love of Unicorns:

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[b2r]

  Why did the Governor change his name from Philip to Brian?

              Philip has two I's...Brian only has one.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I'm sooo doing this next time I'm at the store.

[Jaguar]

Nov 6, 2013 17:06:31 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel;
I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right.
The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,
confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered;
( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,
but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

That was fucking priceless.

[Virgil Showlion]

A driverless tanker truck carrying a payload of sulfuric acid was careening downhill towards a school bus full of children. Seeing the vehicle headed for the defenseless children, a local man charged full tilt towards the truck, leaped to catch the lip of the open driver side window, and pulled himself in. Seeing that there wasn't enough time to arrest the vehicle, he turned the wheel hard right, causing the truck to veer off the road, through a fence, and into the local zoo. The hero leaped to safety just as the tanker smashed into the snow leopard pen, showering the cats with acid and instantly dissolving them into evil goo.

When the hero clambered back up to the street, he found himself surrounded by grateful citizens that had witnessed his heroic rescue.

A police officer was among the crowd. He said to the hero, "I can't believe you managed to pull that off!"

Shell-shocked but smiling, the hero replied, "Neither can I. I've been trying for months and the closest I ever got was lobbing gas grenades into their pen!"

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

.... and









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.... and

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 26, 2013 0:45:00 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

A driverless tanker truck carrying a payload of sulfuric acid was careening downhill towards a school bus full of children. Seeing the vehicle headed for the defenseless children, a local man charged full tilt towards the truck, leaped to catch the lip of the open driver side window, and pulled himself in. Seeing that there wasn't enough time to arrest the vehicle, he turned the wheel hard right, causing the truck to veer off the road, through a fence, and into the local zoo. The hero leaped to safety just as the tanker smashed into the snow leopard pen, showering the cats with acid and instantly dissolving them into evil goo.

When the hero clambered back up to the street, he found himself surrounded by grateful citizens that had witnessed his heroic rescue.

A police officer was among the crowd. He said to the hero, "I can't believe you managed to pull that off!"

Shell-shocked but smiling, the hero replied, "Neither can I. I've been trying for months and the closest I ever got was lobbing gas grenades into their pen!"

Virgil, me thinks you need therapy  And what SL said - bad, funny and you still need help!!

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Your Thanksgiving JOTD - ok - I thought it was priceless.

[ZaireinHD]

[ZaireinHD]

Nov 25, 2013 23:49:30 GMT -5 b2r said:

  Why did the Governor change his name from Philip to Brian?

              Philip has two I's...Brian only has one.

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[NoNamePerson]

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[ZaireinHD]

Decoration for your Christmas Tree decorations

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