Jokes

[toomuchreality]

Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch


Q: What did the tree say to autumn?
A: leaf me alone.

Q: What did one autumn leaf say to another?
A: I'm falling for you.

Q: Why did summer catch autumn?
A: Because autumn is fall.


Q: What is a tree's least favorite month?
A: Sep-timber!

[ZaireinHD]

Um - no, Zaire - you know that "joke" is not PG-13.


ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ - Mod EE

[ZaireinHD]

Ok- OK Scottish Lassie I can understand that!

Whoops my bad!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[irishpad]

What type of kids are perfect for a hockey team?










Orphans  

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I thought the answer would be toothless Septuplets.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

~ Dead Duck ~

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[NoNamePerson]

Oct 7, 2013 6:55:03 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

Ok- OK Scottish Lassie I can understand that!

Whoops my bad!

Don't feel peed on Z. There have been a few I started to post and then thought SL is watching          and I won't get it past her!!!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Bwahahaha - someone here (who shall remain nameless) posted this on F/B - and I had to bring it here - since we have at least 2 of these phrases in our "Cheesipedia".

[/div]

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

Can you find a pair of shoes in this picture?  

[tigerpause]

 

[ZaireinHD]

I'm all like shoes, shoes, where are the shoes!!!

LOL


Tiger !!!

[toomuchreality]

Oct 14, 2013 0:45:22 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Can you find a pair of shoes in this picture?  

Okay...   This is kinda creepy!




(I was looking for the shoes too! )

[toomuchreality]

Boo!



-just sayin'

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[toomuchreality]

Oct 16, 2013 0:01:06 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

  

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

An Irishman finds a sandwich in a gutter with 2 red wires stickin out of it.

He calls the cops and says "Help me bejesus!! I've found a sandwich which looks like a bomb!"

Cop says, "Is it ticken?"

Irishman says, "No, I tink its beef."

[tigerpause]

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?" He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?"

She said, "Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what's three and three."

He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?"

She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five."

Little Johnny put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?"

[tigerpause]

A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean toilets ahead, 10 miles on the left."

She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 toilets to clean.

[tigerpause]

I lent my friend $10,000 to pay for plastic surgery. I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like.

[tigerpause]

A man was complaining to a friend:

"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! It was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

[tigerpause]

[toomuchreality]

Oct 19, 2013 4:27:43 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

A man was complaining to a friend:

"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! It was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

True story: 
I have a neighbor who complains like this all the time (minus the wife), about when he lived in L.A.. It gets SO annoying! I finally started telling him, if it was so great, he was a fool to leave.    He should go back.   He doesn't care much for my reply. 
Guess how much I care.  A little, but not much.

It is not my goal to make anyone feel bad. But sometimes people need a reality check.



That is a funny joke though... 

[tigerpause]

True story:
I have a neighbor who complains like this all the time (minus the wife), about when he lived in L.A.. It gets SO annoying! I finally started telling him, if it was so great, he was a fool to leave. He should go back. He doesn't care much for my reply.
Guess how much I care. A little, but not much.

It is not my goal to make anyone feel bad. But sometimes people need a reality check.

I guess some people complain when they find an ear who will listen. If he's that annoying I might say: "Really? Did you make some wrong decisions?" If it's his fault he might say nothing, so that might keep him quiet!

[toomuchreality]

Oct 19, 2013 5:33:18 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

True story:
I have a neighbor who complains like this all the time (minus the wife), about when he lived in L.A.. It gets SO annoying! I finally started telling him, if it was so great, he was a fool to leave. He should go back. He doesn't care much for my reply.
Guess how much I care. A little, but not much.

It is not my goal to make anyone feel bad. But sometimes people need a reality check.

I guess some people complain when they find an ear who will listen. If he's that annoying I might say: "Really? Did you make some wrong decisions?" If it's his fault he might say nothing, so that might keep him quiet!

That's closer to what I've said 99% of the time. I've stepped it up a bit recently. (Been hearing it for over 5 yrs)   But I agree. That is a good way to answer.

He hasn't actually said it (to me) in about a month now.  Whew!

Thanks!

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]