Jokes

[tigerpause]

I absolutely love Little Johnny Jokes!!!!

Me too. He's such an innocent little brat...   
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The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny’s turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot.

“What’s that?” the teacher asked, puzzled.

“It’s a period," little Johnny replied.

“Well, I see that, but what’s exciting about a period?” asked the teacher.

“Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one… Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself.”

[tigerpause]

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

[tigerpause]

The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his.

It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

[tigerpause]

[gambler]

doctor says I'm doing fine


I just came back from my annual check up. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing recreational drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat a lot of steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much...my former doctor said that too much red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said . . . 'Then, why do you care?'

[toomuchreality]

Aug 15, 2013 1:00:09 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Here's some info toomuchreality ~~

Forum Terminology ~ www.a3webtech.com/index.php/forum-terminology-2.html

  Hi there!  (I couldn't copy/paste this, or copy the location, so I dragged it down from yours, to wave back!    -yikes!)

Thanks for the info!  It was helpful.  (I've never seen that message before/or since.)

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

[tigerpause]

 

[toomuchreality]

Aug 23, 2013 0:08:19 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

 

Hey, how random is this? I come on here to post the two following items, that just happen to go with what you posted! 

[NoNamePerson]

[Artemis Windsong]

Three golfers went to the local pro for a lesson.

The first one hit a ball and it sliced.  He asked what am I doing wrong?  The pro replied, Loft.

The 2nd golfer hit a ball and it went straight but not far.  He asked the pro what happened?  The pro replied Loft.

The 3rd golfer hit a ball as instructed by the pro and it hooked.  The lady asked what she had done wrong.  The pro replied, Loft.

The three golfers chatted among themselves and one asked what does Loft mean?

L = lack
O = of
F = freaking
T = talent

[ZaireinHD]

[NoNamePerson]

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bodle of Baileys, a botle of wum, a pock of Prungles, 1/2 chesecke an a bocs a choclezt.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fel ar in ned ov innr piss.

[tigerpause]

A man went to a psychiatrist because he couldn't sleep for fear of things under his bed coming out to get him. The shrink tells him he can be cured, just go to him twice a week for 2 years.

The man asks how much it will cost and the shrink tells him, "$200 per session."

The man never went back, and 6 months later the doc sees him on the street and asks him how he is doing with his sleep problem.

The man says his bartender cured him for $20.

The doc laughed and asked what the bartender said that cured him so cheap, and the man said, "Cut off the legs on your bed."

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife a lot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

[toomuchreality]

The Pickled Penis

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem.

The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

[toomuchreality]

The Nuns Regret

A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confession to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confession to make, My name is Tom and I'm going to a costume party!"

[toomuchreality]

The Check Up

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

[toomuchreality]

Late Home

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

[tigerpause]

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

"The Laughing Horse"

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,"What's the deal with the jar of money?"
"Well", the bartender says,"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!"

The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.

About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there.

"What's the deal now?" He asks.

"Well",the bartender says,"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop, wins the money!"

The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.

"Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!"

"Easy", he says,"I made him laugh last year, by telling him mine was bigger than his. And today, I made him cry by proving it!!"





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[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

 

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

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[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]