Jokes

[Deleted]

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

It's commonly know that I am dangerous in the kitchen

I learned how to cook from this show.
True story: When I was a teen I made these cookies called Melting Moments. For some reason they all turned out rock-hard. My brother took one to school to show his friends: "Look what my sister made." He and his friends tried to break it by throwing it against the school lockers but they couldn't get a crumb off of it. His buddy took a marker and drew the symbol for radiation on it and they became known as Tiger's radiation cookies. It's probably in some landfill now looking the same as it did 30 years ago!

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[kent]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

[ZaireinHD]

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account
so I just go around at random times yelling out loud what I'm doing!

the good news is I have 3 followers so far!
the bad news is I think they are cops!!

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 31, 2013 22:14:10 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account
so I just go around at random times yelling out loud what I'm doing!

the good news is I have 3 followers so far!
the bad news is I think they are cops!!

[ZaireinHD]

a married woman of 15+ years has lunch with two of her unmarried friends; one is engaged and one is a mistress. They discuss their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet up later in a few days to exchange notes.

here is how it went:

Engaged Friend - when her boyfriend came home; he found her with a black leather bra, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw her and said "you are the woman of my dreams. I love you!"  then they made love!

Mistress Friend - she went to her lovers place with just a rain coat, and underneath wearing only a black bra, and heels and a mask over her eyes. When he opened her raincoat he didn't say a thing, but started to tremble and then they had sex.

the married friend - when her husband came home she was wearing black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over her eyes. When he opened the door and saw her he said:

what's for dinner Batman? 

[Deleted]

[toomuchreality]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

Funny, how differently we can feel, about the same thing...




   











 





So, in this picture, is Daffy excited, or is he horrified?




tee-hee....

[kent]

Four hour erection



What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store in Parry Sound and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the best we can do.

1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed, and $3,000 a month in living expenses"

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

A pregnant woman with her first child,


paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[gambler]

A little boy and his grandfather


are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[gambler]

Three sisters wanted to get married


but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

[toomuchreality]

How've you been gambler?

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

Aug 11, 2013 13:18:07 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Oh, so true!


The thread in which you are posting will be bookmarked and stickied.
What does it mean 'stickied'? Any idea?   I know about bookmarks, but not stickies.

[tigerpause]

Here's some info toomuchreality ~~

Forum Terminology ~ www.a3webtech.com/index.php/forum-terminology-2.html

[tigerpause]

Little Johnny and the Pastor


One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

[NoNamePerson]

Aug 15, 2013 1:01:07 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Little Johnny and the Pastor


One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

I absolutely love Little Johnny Jokes!!!!