Jokes

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 13, 2013 16:47:39 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A friend sent me a card with this on it. Love it

[ZaireinHD]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was more the romantic type while the husband was more of a no non-sense guy. One afternoon the wife was out having coffee with a friend when the romantic mood hit her and she sent a text to her loving hubby:

if you are sleeping, send me your dreams
if you are laughing, send me your smile
if you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!

The husband texted back - I'm on the toilet, please advise?

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 13, 2013 22:26:34 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was more the romantic type while the husband was more of a no non-sense guy. One afternoon the wife was out having coffee with a friend when the romantic mood hit her and she sent a text to her loving hubby:

if you are sleeping, send me your dreams
if you are laughing, send me your smile
if you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!

The husband texted back - I'm on the toilet, please advise?

Don't be giving me any of your shit? 

[ZaireinHD]

Jul 13, 2013 22:38:18 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Jul 13, 2013 22:26:34 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was more the romantic type while the husband was more of a no non-sense guy. One afternoon the wife was out having coffee with a friend when the romantic mood hit her and she sent a text to her loving hubby:

if you are sleeping, send me your dreams
if you are laughing, send me your smile
if you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!

The husband texted back - I'm on the toilet, please advise?

Don't be giving me any of your shit? 

me? !! no way!!

Hey POM I just sent your joke out to few email friends and got back some laughs!!

[Peace Of Mind]

I'm glad they liked it! 

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Don't be giving me any of your shit?

LMAO, POM - perfect punchline. Bah dum ching!

[ZaireinHD]

An elderly Marine Sergent Major attended an elegant gala hosted by a local Arts College.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance.
One woman approached him for conversation.

Excuse me Sargent Major, you look like a very serious hansom man! is there something bothering you?
Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and asked has he seen a lot of action?
why YES ma'am, a lot of action.
the young lady continued to try and have a conversation, and attempted one more try, any man likes to talk about.
she asked him in her serious voice, you know you should lighten up, when was the last time you had sex?
The Sargent Major looked her in the eyes in his serious manor and answered; not since 1955!

The young lady said well, no wonder you are so serious. you really need to chill out; and led him to another room for some privacy where she relaxed him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
WOW, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!

The Sargent Major said in his serious voice - I hope not, it's only 2130 now.

(Gotta love Military Time)
 

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[toomuchreality]

[tigerpause]

 

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

A man ordered for a voice automated


robot car that does
anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my
children from school."
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew
something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your
children sir".
In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.
The wife who was angry shouted at her husband, "Don't tell me all these are your children!"
The man asked her calmly, "Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?"

[ZaireinHD]

Jul 14, 2013 3:43:21 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

 

AWH SHIT!!



YES!
to rewind or fast forward the tape!

Good one Tigerpause

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Actually its to get the tape that got jammed in the cassette player, reeled back onto the spool after finally dislodging it. Been there, done that - back in the '70's, that is.

.
.
.
.

The wife who was angry shouted at her husband, "Don't tell me all these are your children!"
The man asked her calmly, "Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?"

Good one, gambler.

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

I knew the answer about the tape and pencil but I waited to see who else would know. You folks are OLD

[toomuchreality]

Jul 15, 2013 7:02:48 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

I knew the answer about the tape and pencil but I waited to see who else would know. You folks are OLD

I still have a cassette player in my car.  (no cd player)

My car is really old, not me!   
Just kidding.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

   -Now there's a surprise!      

[toomuchreality]

[NoNamePerson]

It's commonly know that I am dangerous in the kitchen

[Deleted]

Jul 18, 2013 12:34:35 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

Do they still make those kind of rollers

[Genuine GA Peach]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

[Genuine GA Peach]

this one is for Virgil:

computers are like air conditioners -





they work well until you open Windows 

[toomuchreality]

Jul 27, 2013 6:58:33 GMT -5 Genuine GA Peach said:

this one is for Virgil:

computers are like air conditioners -





they work well until you open Windows 

[toomuchreality]

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.


Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
 A: Because their plugged into a genius!


Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"