Jokes

[ZaireinHD]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 12 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the amazed teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
Well, that's great! that's just great! some asshole got my pen!

[Deleted]

Oh my gosh.. These are some crazy jokes!!! 

[ZaireinHD]

After a very busy, tiring day at the office, the young woman settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed the station. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

Hi sweatheart! it's Gerry, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four o'clock; but I had a long meeting and no honey, not with that floozy from accounts office. yes with my boss. Yes sweatheart, you're the only one in my life yes, I'm sure, cross my heart - ect. ect

Fifteen minutes of this goes by and he is still talking loudly, when the woman sitting next to him just trying to get some rest, was obviously so annoyed yelled

Hey Gerry, turn that stupid cell phone off and come back to bed!!

Gerry doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 7, 2013 19:14:12 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

But, TMR... you can't do that.. if it's a no-name brand bologna.

I give TMR permission to name her/his bologna NoName Bout covers it don't cha think

ETA: Just realize that I don't know if TMR is male/female

[ZaireinHD]

Jul 7, 2013 19:35:08 GMT -5 @heart2heart said:

Oh my gosh.. These are some crazy jokes!!! 

yea - at least we got to smile

[Deleted]

Jul 7, 2013 19:37:45 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

After a very busy, tiring day at the office, the young woman settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed the station. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

Hi sweatheart! it's Gerry, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four o'clock; but I had a long meeting and no honey, not with that floozy from accounts office. yes with my boss. Yes sweatheart, you're the only one in my life yes, I'm sure, cross my heart - ect. ect

Fifteen minutes of this goes by and he is still talking loudly, when the woman sitting next to him just trying to get some rest, was obviously so annoyed yelled

Hey Gerry, turn that stupid cell phone off and come back to bed!!

Gerry doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I just copy pasted this joke to someone.. They are screaming. 

[ZaireinHD]

nice!

[toomuchreality]

Jul 7, 2013 19:14:12 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

But, TMR... you can't do that.. if it's a no-name brand bologna.

OMG SL....    I burst out laughing!   
        

[toomuchreality]

Jul 7, 2013 19:44:19 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Jul 7, 2013 19:14:12 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

But, TMR... you can't do that.. if it's a no-name brand bologna.

I give TMR permission to name her/his bologna NoName Bout covers it don't cha think

ETA: Just realize that I don't know if TMR is male/female

Gotta make you wonder, doesn't it??

My guess is that you know.


But I want to call my bologna Ted!   -Although I like the name Xavier too!  Or Michael...  etc  

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

It took you a while to get it, didn't it?

My wit is fast - you have to be quick to catch it.

[toomuchreality]

Jul 7, 2013 21:03:45 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

It took you a while to get it, didn't it?

My wit is fast - you have to be quick to catch it.

I may not have a quick wit, but I know when someone else does!




I'm not gonna start a running regimen anytime soon...  

(I've seen you folding sheets!   )

[toomuchreality]

Jul 7, 2013 20:58:57 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Jul 7, 2013 19:44:19 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

I give TMR permission to name her/his bologna NoName Bout covers it don't cha think

ETA: Just realize that I don't know if TMR is male/female

Gotta make you wonder, doesn't it??

My guess is that you know.


But I want to call my bologna Ted!   -Although I like the name Xavier too!  Or Michael...  etc  

NNP-

It just occurred to me that perhaps you were giving me permission to name my no-name bologna, rather than naming my bologna No-name!

Maybe I should start running after all!

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

Steven Wright Quotes


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

[tigerpause]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Truth is Its Own Reward


While walking down a street, a man passed a house with a little red lightbulb burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Many times a night".

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story: "Always tell the truth, and you'll never get screwed."

[NoNamePerson]

[kent]

Vet hats and morons

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days ago my best friend from High School sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' hat.

I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Ronn was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to WalMart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people (sic) that frequent the establishment. (Me too)

But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, pobably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vet Nam Vet?"

"No" I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that hat?"

Because I couldn't find my one for the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936"

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun.

"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah." he gave me the "don't threaten me look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat..

[gambler]

The Pope decides to visit L.A.


The city is notified, and sends their most Luxurious Limo to meet him at the airport. As the pope enters the limo, he is stunned by the fabulous interior, and amenities. The chauffeur guns the limo out into the busy L.A. traffic, and the Pope feels the raw power of this vehicle to be the most fun sensation he has had in quite a while. He rolls the divider down between the chauffeur and himself, and asks. "My son, I am truly impressed with this vehicle, and since I have some time to spare before I am due at the church, Would it be possible for me to experience DRIVING such an amazing car?"
The chauffeur of course agrees, and they switch places. Now the pope floors it, and reaches 100 mph in a matter of a few seconds, but it quickly pulled over. Smiling widely at the officer, as he rolls down the window, the officer is horrified at the sight of the pope, and offers to lead the way clearing traffic for him. The pope says it's ok, he has had his fun, and they proceed to the church at normal speed.
The officer returns to his station, and excitedly tells his co-workers "You'll NEVER guess who I pulled over today!" the officers begin trying to guess, one says "A famous actor?"
No! bigger than that!
Another officer says, "A politician?"
No, No! Bigger that!"
another officer says, "The president?"
Nooo! BIGGER THAN THAT!

the officers are stumped, and beg the cop to tell them.

He says "I dunno...but the Pope was his chauffeur!!!!!!!!"

[gambler]

I'm going to end up with this problem.....


We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

[gambler]

This ad got 15,000+ responses


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE

Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and Duck shooting, cozy nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours.


The ad, was for a black Labrador Retriever.

[toomuchreality]

These are my favorites:
(I know you were just dying to have this bit of information!)

Steven Wright Quotes


OK, so what's the speed of dark?
(This must be the speed at which I go)

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
(If you get a note written in invisible ink, how do you know?)

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
No one is home.  -Be back soon!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
(You don't want to appear foolish, do you?)

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
(I think this happened before I started.)

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
(Usually many.)

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
(I do a LOT of research!)

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
(Isn't that the truth!)

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
(I've got all the time in the world.)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
(What?!)

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
(I think I'd prefer this one to be above the one, above.)

LOL

[tigerpause]

LOLLL Good ones toomuchreality!!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?
(It's the same as the speed of light but with your eyes closed.)

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
(I thought a conclusion was the last words a person on death row says.)

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
(That's a pile of horse puckey!)

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
(Is it called plagiarism and research if I steal an idea from myself many times?)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
(I forgot what I was going to say!)

[tigerpause]

I don't think he made the team

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A clear conscience is usually a sign that it's ME!!!

[Peace Of Mind]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]