Jokes

[toomuchreality]

Jun 25, 2013 13:00:22 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

No words needed but I bet they live here in Florida. 




link

OMG that seems scary to me!

Just curious, would something like that really be legal?

[toomuchreality]

You don't get a body like mine by just sitting around...
You have to eat lots of junk food too!
                                                      -Maxine

[Genuine GA Peach]

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- where else?!"

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

[Deleted]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Hehehehe - This is MY kind of exercise routine:

[NoNamePerson]

Jun 28, 2013 13:54:04 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Hehehehe - This is MY kind of exercise routine:

I've always wondered how many calories I burn using the mouse? I should be rail thin by now

[Deleted]

Just be yourself that should be good enough!    

[gambler]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.<br> <br>The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably. <br><br>Confused, her husband says: "It is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved."<br> <br>"I know," the blonde says. "But how many is a Brazilian?"<br>

[gambler]

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

Friendship


Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[ZaireinHD]

A cop got the bright idea to park outside of a bar at closing time. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot looking for his car. he tried his key on 5 different vehicles, until he finally found his car, and slide to the ground and sat there for a few minutes.

The officer observed his every move, and couldn't take his eyes off him as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally the man gets up and started his car, switched on his wipers, turned them off, and on again, and off again, turned on and off his turn signals, and used the horn a few times.

Pretty soon everyone was out of the bar driving home as he was the last to pull off. as soon as his car got into the street he was pulled over. The police officer administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all. Dumbfounded, the officer said
I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. The breathalyzer equipment must be broken!!

The man said
I doubt it! it's not broken! I'm the designated decoy!!

[toomuchreality]

Jul 3, 2013 19:56:09 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

This is SO true!   I have know many people like this.  (guilty of it myself once or twice!)



Anything and everything I post on the internet is of GREAT importance! (and 100% accurate!)

[toomuchreality]

Jul 4, 2013 9:05:50 GMT -5 gambler said:

Friendship


Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

shocker!


So very true!
 

[Peace Of Mind]

My FIL sends me a lot of these so read this coming from a much older man:

The situation on getting ammo is getting really tight, but this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
 
  
 
 

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

LOL - Maybe you'll like this one:

"The Barracks Door"

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

[gambler]

Jeff Foxworthy 




by Jeff Foxworthy:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

[NoNamePerson]

Think I should post this one on YM?

[Deleted]

[toomuchreality]

Jul 7, 2013 11:01:14 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Think I should post this one on YM?

In an effort to keep myself from falling in the depths of depression, over my current state of finances, I have decided to call my bologna "Ted". (maybe Bob)   

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

But, TMR... you can't do that.. if it's a no-name brand bologna.

[ZaireinHD]

10 years ago we had Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash
now
we don't have no cash, no jobs, and no hope!