Jokes

[toomuchreality]

That was a good one, "Z"!      Totally caught me off guard.

[toomuchreality]

Okay, okay...  I was responding to the post on the previous page. Sorry about that! I got a little behind!

Heh.

[Genuine GA Peach]

The pastor decided to preach his anti-drink sermon one Sunday. With great fervor he said, "If I had a bottle of wine here, do you know what I'd do? I'd pour it in the river! And if I had a case of beer, I'd do the same -- I'd pour it in the river. Same with whiskey or rum or vodka -- straight in the river! Now our choir master will lead us in a hymn."





He turned and looked at the choir master who said in a tiny voice, "Our hymn is number 108, Shall We Gather At the River."

[toomuchreality]

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[tigerpause]

Possible right reasons to start an escort service:

1. You like to help people
2. It's a business that is recession-proof
3. You want to network with powerful elected officials
4. It's a chance to blackmail powerful elected officials
5. The most you'll ever be convicted for is tax evasion
6. Heidi Fleiss is your idol

Possible wrong reasons to start an escort service:

1. To raise funds for your church choir
2. To impress your grandmother
3. STD research
4. An angel appeared to you in a cave and told you to
5. Have t-shirt with "Pimpin'" written on it, don't want to throw it away
6. Wanted to start an escrow service, not a good speller

[NoNamePerson]

[Deleted]

Have a great day. You all the jokers!

[Genuine GA Peach]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

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[Genuine GA Peach]

saw this one posted in memory of James Gandolfini



Italian Math

A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men
when along came a guy named Vinny DiGiusto from New
York. "I'm not going to hire any wise-ass New
Yorker" the foreman thought, so he made up a test
hoping Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the
questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job
without getting into a labor dispute.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Widout numbiz? "Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he
proceeds to draw 3 trees.




"What's this?" the boss asks.

The New Yorker replies, "Ain'cha got no brains?

Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine.
Fagheddaboutit......"

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time depict
the number 99."

Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up
the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each
tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."



The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?"

Vinny says "Ay! Stoonad! Eacha da trees is dirty!


So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree.
Dat's 99."

The Boss is getting worried that he's going to have
to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last
question. Same rules, but this time show me 100."

Vinny stares off into space again, then picks up
the picture. He makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."



The boss looks at the picture for a moment and
says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents
100!"

Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the
base of the trees. "A little doggie come along; he
takes a crap on each a dem trees, so now ya got
dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty
tree an' a turd -- which, accordin' to my mat'
teacher, Sister Mary Heavenhelpus -- makes one
hunnert. ......... Bada bing, bada boom. ... So,
when do I freakin' start?"

[NoNamePerson]

[Genuine GA Peach]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

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[Genuine GA Peach]

A little girl came home from her religious education class. Mom asked her what they'd learned that day. The little girl said they'd learned about Moses at the Red Sea. Mom said, "Tell me all about it."

"Well, Moses and the Children of Israel were running away from the Egyptians when they came to the Red Sea. The Egyptians were right behind them, so Moses called in the Israeli Air Force for a peremptory air strike and had the Israeli army engineers build a pontoon bridge across the Red Sea."

Mom said, "They didn't really tell you that, did they?"

"Well, no," the little girl admitted. "But if I told you what they DID say, you really wouldn't believe it!"

[toomuchreality]

[NoNamePerson]

[Deleted]

Jun 22, 2013 8:14:41 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time,attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!’
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

 2 funny!

[Deleted]

Not sure if this one's already been laughed at.. If so, just laugh again! 

[toomuchreality]

↑  ↑  ↑    ↑  ↑  ↑

[Genuine GA Peach]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work?




He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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www.toilette-humor.com/cartoons/pillsbury_doughboy.shtml

www.toilette-humor.com/airplanes/feeling_safe_on_an_airplane.shtml

[NoNamePerson]

[Peace Of Mind]

No words needed but I bet they live here in Florida. 




link

[NoNamePerson]

Jun 25, 2013 13:00:22 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

No words needed but I bet they live here in Florida. 




link

I bet they are old time YM'ers. Saving that money for retirement but feeding granny cat food - which BTW is expensive if you figure the price per can. Oh I guess I should post this on YM DAMN, I can't edit post. figure the price PER LB.

[Deleted]