Jokes

[Deleted]

Hi TMR.. 

[Deleted]

I enjoy you all's jokes. If I ever come across a great one I will drop one on ya..

[toomuchreality]

May 29, 2013 21:08:33 GMT -5 @heart2heart said:

I enjoy you all's jokes. If I ever come across a great one I will drop one on ya..

Hey there!
It's always a pleasure to see you.  That is you, isn't it?  I wasn't sure with those shades.


I only wear when I'm in disguise. Hiding out or something. No one can see you if you have your super shades on.

In fact I 'bearly' noticed you, with them on.   Very cool indeed.

Wow! You're the spitting image of... of... of someone, I'm sure!

I agree, some great jokes get posted here.
And it's nice to have a place to go to, that doesn't have a lot of debate or drama going on. A nice group of people hang out here. Although as you've seen, they can be a little whacked on occasion!

Just so you know, I am not crazy either. Just old. Losing a few of my marbles possibly. (and dentures!)



I suppose it's time for us all to shuffle on into summer now, eh?


I hope we run in to you again soon!
Now don't go runnin'   off now. Ya hear?

[toomuchreality]

May 30, 2013 10:48:13 GMT -5 @snowbird said:

Hello all you jokers.

  Attractive!



Just for you!

Silly gurl!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

SL, I considered carrying around a lighter/matches for this very reason

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

Bedtimes Virus



>If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.

> >

> >Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only

> >erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything

> >on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

> >

> >It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms

> >your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses

> >subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It

> >will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

> >

> >This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

> >

> >IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

> >

> >It will drink ALL your beer.

> >

> >FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

> >

> >It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting

> >company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with

> >Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98

> >environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer

> >plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove

> >the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill

> >your skim milk with whole milk.

> >

> >******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******

> >

> >And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so

> >hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,

> >sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

> >

> >Send this warning to everyone.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >If you are a blonde, this is a joke!!!

> >

> >

> >

> >THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD

> >

> >Right now, as you read this,

> >17 Million Americans are having SEX!

> >

> >And look at you - you're on the computer!

[toomuchreality]

May 31, 2013 20:09:55 GMT -5 gambler said:

Bedtimes Virus



>If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.

> >

> >Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only

> >erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything

> >on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

> >

> >It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms

> >your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses

> >subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It

> >will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

> >

> >This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

> >

> >IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

> >

> >It will drink ALL your beer.

> >

> >FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

> >

> >It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting

> >company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with

> >Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98

> >environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer

> >plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove

> >the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill

> >your skim milk with whole milk.

> >

> >******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******

> >

> >And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so

> >hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,

> >sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

> >

> >Send this warning to everyone.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >If you are a blonde, this is a joke!!!

> >

> >

> >

> >THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD

> >

> >Right now, as you read this,

> >17 Million Americans are having SEX!

> >

> >And look at you - you're on the computer!

LOL   I sent this to about 47 people before I realized it was a joke! 

[toomuchreality]

I'm not sure how much of a joke this is... Or how much it should be!

[Genuine GA Peach]

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.




Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

[Deleted]

Great Weekend to all jokers.

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

[Deleted]

Have a good one.toomuch

[toomuchreality]

Jun 7, 2013 19:22:26 GMT -5 @snowbird said:

Have a good one.toomuch

Thanks!  You too! 

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

Too true....

[Deleted]

Good day to you toomuch.   And to all the jokers.
 

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[Deleted]

[ZaireinHD]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England, and he asked her,
Your  Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?

Well, the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.
Obama frowned, and then asked, But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent? 

Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. 
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. Please send Tony Blair in here, would you? 
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, Yes, Your Majesty? 
The Queen smiled and asked;
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.  Who is it? 
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered,
That would be me.  Yes! Very good, said the Queen. 

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.
Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.  It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it? 
I'm not sure, said Biden. Let me get back to you on that one. He went to his advisers and asked everyone.
But none could give him an answer.  Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night.
Biden asked, Sarah, can you answer this for me? Sarah Palin answered right back,
That'' easy, it's me!  Biden smiled, and said, Thanks! 
Biden then, went back to speak with Obama. Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. 

It's Sarah Palin!  Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled, No, you idiot!   It's Tony Blair!

[Deleted]

 2 funny.. 

[Genuine GA Peach]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we work hard to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[Deleted]

[MB-NY]

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[Genuine GA Peach]

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in tide?























Because its too cold out tide

[Genuine GA Peach]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath.


This made him ....what?



(this is my new favorite punny)





a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[NoNamePerson]