Jokes

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[Deleted]

Oh gosh..  

[Deleted]

[Deleted]

Have a good one!

[tigerpause]

[Deleted]

Have a great day! All the fun people.

[Deleted]

[Deleted]

You too, toomuch.

[gambler]

Philippe the Fighter Pilot


Philippe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Philippe and says,' Philippe, kiss me!'
Philippe grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Philippe?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up little, Marie says,' Philippe, kiss me lower.'
Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.
'Philippe! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,' Philippe, kiss me lower!'
Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,' PHILIPPE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?'
Our hero stands up, grins defiantly, and says,' I am Philippe the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!'

[gambler]

REDnecks; gotta love em


Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can’t touch it until she’s 14.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools?

How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink,” and the front desk person replies: “Go ahead.”

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Alabama? Documentaries.

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75 and said to the driver: “Got any I.D.? and the driver replied: “Bout wut?”

Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced, they’re STILL brother and sister.

Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books–poof!–up in flames. And he hadn’t finished coloring one of them.

[Deleted]

May 16, 2013 12:04:05 GMT -5 @snowbird said:

[MB-NY]

Three ministers and their wives are riding together when their van is involved in a terrible accident. All six find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first minister walks up to St. Peter and says, "I'm sure this is just a formality...my name must be in the book. I dedicated my life to the service of the Lord." St. Peter replied, "I'm sorry reverend. Our records show that although you gave your time to your church, you were actually obsessed with alcohol. You thought about it all the time. You loved alcohol so much, that you refused to marry until you met a woman named Sherry."

The second preacher walks up to St. Peter and says, "I dedicated my life to the works of God. I'm sure you'll just let me right in!" St. Peter replied, "Yes, you did great works for the Lord. However, you were completely obsessed with money. You loved money so much, you didn't marry until you met a woman named Penny."

The third preacher turns to his wife and says, "Fannie, we may as well leave."

[Deleted]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[Deleted]

[toomuchreality]

Ugh. This is so me....  (on a GOOD/Calm day!)

Just the thought gives me the heebie-jeebies!  YUCK!







~Enjoy!  Ü

[NoNamePerson]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

[Deleted]

 NNP.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[toomuchreality]

I also posted this in the What's your weather thread, but wanted to share it here as well.

I hope you all enjoyed a marvelous Memorial day weekend! 

[Deleted]

You folks are CRAZY...

[NoNamePerson]

May 29, 2013 14:24:01 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

I also posted this in the What's your weather thread, but wanted to share it here as well.

I hope you all enjoyed a marvelous Memorial day weekend! 

That's my plan for hurricane season. I just crawl under the bed with a gallon of Vodka and a fifth of Orange Juice!!!!

[NoNamePerson]

May 29, 2013 15:01:49 GMT -5 @heart2heart said:

You folks are CRAZY...

Who you calling crazy - OH that would be us

[toomuchreality]

May 29, 2013 15:23:21 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

May 29, 2013 15:01:49 GMT -5 @heart2heart said:

You folks are CRAZY...

Who you calling crazy - OH that would be us

Heh. You noticed SHE'S here too!      Right?                  

   Talk about CRA zY!                     <laughs even harder...  almost pees pants  >
       

[toomuchreality]

May 29, 2013 15:22:28 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

May 29, 2013 14:24:01 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

I also posted this in the What's your weather thread, but wanted to share it here as well.

I hope you all enjoyed a marvelous Memorial day weekend! 

That's my plan for hurricane season. I just crawl under the bed with a gallon of Vodka and a fifth of Orange Juice!!!!

" a gallon of Vodka and a fifth of Orange Juice!!!! "  


Come to think of it, I think if I lived where there is hurricane season, I'd just take two gallons of vodka!

[toomuchreality]

Hi Mollyanna!
Glad you joined us!

[Deleted]

  

Just so ya know.. I am not crazy. I am cool.