Jokes

[toomuchreality]

Apr 29, 2013 6:38:13 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Ew...    [groans]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

LOL    Me playing this game is a joke!    (free - no registration or sign up  - takes 2 seconds per swing approx)

smack the penguin   I got a 148.6  and a 548.8 so far


Me starting a thread is also a joke... (I've never done it!)





-please don't yell at me

[teriblue]

Apr 27, 2013 4:50:35 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Advice From Kids

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8

[teriblue]

Some of the posts here made me laugh

Hi all.   Good to see you again Tiger.  Our birthdays are coming up this Wednesday.  Happy Birthday if I don't get to stop by before then.

Have a great weekend all

[toomuchreality]

May 4, 2013 21:12:40 GMT -5 teriblue said:

Some of the posts here made me laugh

Hi all.   Good to see you again Tiger.  Our birthdays are coming up this Wednesday.  Happy Birthday if I don't get to stop by before then.

Have a great weekend all

Hi teriblue. Nice to meet you!



Happy birthday, you two!       (I case I miss it on Wednesday. I tend to be 'up in the night'!)

I hope you enjoy it.  
-Have a few more of these or these , and I bet it becomes even more enjoyable!

Seriously though, have a good one! 

[NoNamePerson]

May 4, 2013 21:12:40 GMT -5 teriblue said:

Some of the posts here made me laugh

Hi all.   Good to see you again Tiger.  Our birthdays are coming up this Wednesday.  Happy Birthday if I don't get to stop by before then.

Have a great weekend all

Jump right in and post a joke!! Everyone needs a good laugh

[tigerpause]

Hey Teri! You found me, lol (well, just look for the joke thread and Tiger should be on it eh!)  It's great to 'see' you again! Thanks for the b'day wishes; you are so sweet and I appreciate it! Have a Happy Birthday too Teri if I don't see you before then & I wish you all the best Birthday Buddy!!   
~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi toomuchreality  Teri's a super nice person I 'met' on the old MSN boards. (I'm the older one, LOL)Thanks so much!!
I like your sense of humor btw  !

[tigerpause]

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.

The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?

The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.

[tigerpause]

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:


TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [e-mail]
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - [e-mail]
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - [e-mail]
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - [e-mail]
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - [e-mail]
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - [e-mail]
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [e-mail]
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - [e-mail]
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - [e-mail]
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - [e-mail]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

LOL - those are great, Tiger.

[toomuchreality]

May 5, 2013 8:09:49 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:


TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [e-mail]
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - [e-mail]
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - [e-mail]
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - [e-mail]
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - [e-mail]
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - [e-mail]
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [e-mail]
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - [e-mail]
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - [e-mail]
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - [e-mail]

Years ago I worked at a place that used a combination of first and last initials to identify people. After getting married for the second time, mine would have been COW. Luckily the assistant supervisor and I were friends, and she caught/changed it. But even COW wouldn't have been as bad as some of these!

Hi toomuchreality  Teri's a super nice person I 'met' on the old MSN boards. (I'm the older one, LOL)Thanks so much!!
I like your sense of humor btw  !

-Thanks tiger, I enjoy your sense of humor too!
I'm getting to the point where I'm almost always the older one!




It's Wednesday!
Happy birthday to you!

[gambler]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding


in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up".

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid..."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, " Yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replied "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

[tigerpause]

Years ago I worked at a place that used a combination of first and last initials to identify people. After getting married for the second time, mine would have been COW. Luckily the assistant supervisor and I were friends, and she caught/changed it. But even COW wouldn't have been as bad as some of these!

LOL!
...COWorker... no, that's too many initials.

I'm getting to the point where I'm almost always the older one!

I realized I was getting older when "Can I help you, miss?" became, "Can I help you, ma'am?" (Darn whippersnappers...!)
I still have all my parts but if the day ever comes when I put my hearing aid in my mouth and my wooden teeth in my ears then I'll know I'm in trouble!

 

[Deleted]

Hope everyone is having a great afternoon.

[toomuchreality]

May 9, 2013 6:15:55 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Years ago I worked at a place that used a combination of first and last initials to identify people. After getting married for the second time, mine would have been COW. Luckily the assistant supervisor and I were friends, and she caught/changed it. But even COW wouldn't have been as bad as some of these!

LOL!
...COWorker... no, that's too many initials.

I'm getting to the point where I'm almost always the older one!

I realized I was getting older when "Can I help you, miss?" became, "Can I help you, ma'am?" (Darn whippersnappers...!)
I still have all my parts but if the day ever comes when I put my hearing aid in my mouth and my wooden teeth in my ears then I'll know I'm in trouble!

 

LOL

Traditionally the first 2 letters of your first name were combined with the first letter of your last name, where I worked. =COW  In my case they made an exception, using the first initial of my first name with the first two letters of my last name. No problem. I was good with that. Then they hired someone who's initials, combined the traditional way, were the same as the ones I was using. She didn't work in my office, so I don't know how they worked around that.   -Naner, naner! I had it first! 



Ha!  I remember the first time I heard someone say "Go ask that older woman over there." -They were referring to me. I wanted to burst out laughing, at the same time I thought I might burst in to tears.
To be honest, I have never, ever been one of those people that everyone thought was (a lot) younger than their real age. As a teenager, I loved it.  I think I was 16 the first time I walked in to a liquor store and purchased alcohol. They didn't ask how old I was, or for ID. It was easy. As a "mature woman", I would prefer to look somewhat (okay, a LOT!) younger.




I still have all my parts but if the day ever comes when I put my hearing aid in my mouth and my wooden teeth in my ears then I'll know I'm in trouble!

I'm not gonna lie... If you are old enough that you have wooden teeth, you really ARE old!  

[tigerpause]

I'm not gonna lie... If you are old enough that you have wooden teeth, you really ARE old!

I do! My dentist whittled them for me!

Ha! I remember the first time I heard someone say "Go ask that older woman over there." -They were referring to me. I wanted to burst out laughing, at the same time I thought I might burst in to tears.

If someone said that to me I'd cup my hand to my ear and reply, "What did you say, sonny?" 
I don't know what it is but when I'm in a shop I get people asking me questions as if I worked there. "Do you have this in a size so & so?" "What time does your store close?", etc. I should say something like, "Everything is half off!" (I would, if it would get me a discount...)

As a "mature woman", I would prefer to look somewhat (okay, a LOT!) younger.

Don't wear wooden teeth like me!

[tigerpause]

Canadians EH

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start.
· Canadians drive with the windows down.

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes.
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cook-out of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes and makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying, "Cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

[tigerpause]

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

[gambler]

A Pro's Advice



A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.
"Well, what should I do?" asked the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a s wing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson.

The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."

[gambler]

The Sick Nun



In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T EVER SELL THAT COW."

[toomuchreality]

May 10, 2013 5:18:10 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

I'm not gonna lie... If you are old enough that you have wooden teeth, you really ARE old!

I do! My dentist whittled them for me!

Ha! I remember the first time I heard someone say "Go ask that older woman over there." -They were referring to me. I wanted to burst out laughing, at the same time I thought I might burst in to tears.

If someone said that to me I'd cup my hand to my ear and reply, "What did you say, sonny?" 
I don't know what it is but when I'm in a shop I get people asking me questions as if I worked there. "Do you have this in a size so & so?" "What time does your store close?", etc. I should say something like, "Everything is half off!" (I would, if it would get me a discount...)

As a "mature woman", I would prefer to look somewhat (okay, a LOT!) younger.

Don't wear wooden teeth like me!

Maybe I should consider wearing teeth!  Ya think??!

[Deleted]

 Great weekend to all the jokers.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2013 18:58:00 GMT -5 @steve said:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?




It was dead.

                  

 

[Deleted]

[Deleted]

May 11, 2013 18:58:00 GMT -5 @steve said:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?




It was dead.

[tigerpause]

May 11, 2013 18:58:00 GMT -5 @steve said:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?




It was dead.

[toomuchreality]

May 11, 2013 7:58:22 GMT -5 @snowbird said:

 Great weekend to all the jokers.

Hey!  Where did you get that picture of me!  It's a really old one!




Hello everybody!

[toomuchreality]

May 11, 2013 18:58:00 GMT -5 @steve said:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?




It was dead.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

And here you've all been asking the same question for years....


Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?












A. To prove to the possum (or skunk, or gopher) that it could be done.